A Cheat's Survival Journal

I continued sitting on my porch, swinging back in forth with a cigarette in my mouth which I took an occasional puff. I was thinking about me and the family that I want, 'Can I continue to hide what I am? Not just the me being a monster who sprouts tentacles from their lower back and eats people. But can I continue to hide how much I want to shout out and scream that I am broken and toxic to the people who I don't hold a bond with?' I stared at the stream, seeking an answer but for this particular occasion, the chat was silence from my thoughts. The thoughts of a man who's breaking from fear of what those he cares about sees.

Noah and Beth knew that I used manipulation to stabilize the hospital and that I killed a couple of extremely corrupt cops, but they never seen the madness that lurks deep beneath my visage. The madness that I want to be cleansed with family, I live my life alone without family; leading me to this very moment. I have family even if it's just one member for now; yet I fear them seeing the ugliness of me that can engulf their entire view of me.

While I was taking a puff of my cigarette, Edin came out dressed up and ready for another day. She sat down next to me and asked, "When did you start smoking?" I smiled and said, "I've smoked since I was 16. I tried it and got addicted, I am still far from being mentally strong to fight back the withdrawal. Instead of just beating myself over it, I simply continued and I can't stop in these times since I won't be in my peak." Edin listened closely since it included my life before the apocalypse, but in my case my life before coming to this world.

Edin stated as if it were a fact, "You sound a bit troubled and depressed." I looked at her and gave her a smile and said, "I am. I am very troubled, after all I've gotten you; someone to call family, something that I wanted for a very long time. But I'm scared of revealing the ugliness of me, fearing that you'll only see the ugliness and not the purity that I once had." Edin hugged my side gently and said, "You've been out there, alone with no one. But the moment you came here, you sought something that you wanted and something that I wanted. You want family to bring back the good that you had before and I want family who won't leave me. We both have one thing to lose and that is each other."

I chuckled and teased, trying to hide the fact that I'm a bit fl.u.s.tered, "Look who's so poetic, ever thought about becoming an author?" Edin slapped my back and said firmly, "Stop avoiding the inevitable and just tell me what it is you want to hide so bad." I paused then opened my mouth, just to close and open it repeatedly. When I finally mustered the courage to tell her, a sound of shattered glass was heard. I got up and immediately thought, 'Rick and Pete!' I immediately ran towards the sound and got there pretty quickly since I didn't restrain myself much.

Arriving with Edin shortly behind, we saw Rick and Pete beating each other bloody. I separated the both of them, only to receive two punches to my face. I was expecting Pete's but not Rick, causing me to pause slightly. It hurt a bit since I was still straining myself but it felt like a pinch while their knuckles weren't broke but they were quite in pain. I sighed and looked at Pete, "You both are fighting over a situation that has been settled by me. Pete, you're angry because you and your wife were separated so Rick was the perfect outlet from him demanding answers on why you were hitting Jessie." I paused and looked over towards Rick, continuing my conclusion, "And Rick, I feel like this isn't your first love triangle; this would be a square but Pete is already faded out of the picture. You wanted answers and you despise someone who hits their girlfriend, wife, whatever. That's not the reason why you hit me though, right?"

Rick looked at me and said in a calm, insinuating tone, "No, it's not. I did fall in love with her at first sight but I didn't take the leap and you beat me to it." By the end of it, Rick cracked and sat on his knees; he didn't crack at me or that I beat him towards love first. He cracked because this place is filled with children who can't defend themselves. Rick looked at Pete who was standing and said, "If you touch them or Jin, I'll kill you." Pete began to get filled with rage and yelled as he went to attack Rick, "Who do you think you are?!" I quickly knocked him on his a.s.s, disabling him. Deanna shouted as the men went to grab Rick and Pete, "Stop it, Rick! Yo-" Before Deanna could continue, Rick pulled out his gun and said, "Or what?" Causing everyone to stop in place.

Rick, cracked began to spiel his pent up frustrations, "You gonna kick me out?" Deanna calmly said, although a bit tense, "Put that gun down, Rick." Rick sighed deeply and continued, "You still don't get it. None of you do! We know what needs to be done and we do it. We're the ones who live!" He paused for a moment and looked at Deanna in the eyes and said, "You, you just sit and plan and hesitate. You pretend like you know, but you don't." Shortly after a small lengthy spiel that lead to Deanna thinking about her decision of letting Rick in, at the end of it all, Rick said, "I'm not gonna stand by--"

Swiftly knocked out by Michonne, I sighed and looked at the sky.

I looked at everyone and working my specialty, saying, "He's right, with how everything is going right now. This place will be led into the ground, you people need training. You need to be AWARE of what's outside and I want to see progress, you can fear Rick but don't fear his words. They-" Michonne cut me off and said, "Shut up, or do I have to knock you out?" I smirked and said condescendingly, "No one here can stop me; you of all people should know that. After all you know what I am, a monster who eats people, right?!"

Everyone looked towards me, shocked and I realized that I broke. I looked around and saw their faces, I gave a hollow laugh. "See? Everyone here is in their own little world. They can't accept the change that happened outside these walls much less me, someone who's something that should fear." I continued to look around and my sights landed on Edin, I gave her a smile that was filled with familial love and tenderness. "You already know I ate someone, you said you're fine with knowing the ugly of me since we have each other. But can you accept me if I have to eat human flesh to live? Can you accept me if I will murder everyone here just to protect family?"

After a few minutes of silence and no answer, I turned around and began to head towards the gate. But I felt someone hug me from behind and say in a low voice, "Yes, I can still accept you even then." I said hollowly, "You know that I meant that I can't eat normal food, right?" The one behind me, Edin, hugged me tighter and said, "I don't care, I still accept you."

"I'm happy then." I said in a croaked voice.