A Fungal Dream

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"… How. The sweet hell. Do you work?"

"It's not that difficult! I just go Puff and then Gyuuu!"

"Please… Just, Shut up."

This place is madness. This whole world has no logical sense!

All day, I have been checking up on the wives and the offspring's of the Toad King, and with each visit, I was slowly falling into insanity

The fact that most of them weren't even a decade old made my mind freeze. It seemed like monsters grow up very fast, and when they reach adulthood, they sort of stop.

The punk who tried to kill me. Not even a month old. Her mother? Twelve years old.

Other than several legal questions, what annoyed me was the various nonsensical races the King banged.

The beast-people were easy, humans with animal features can work with them.

The twin elves (yeah, the king nailed the two of them), were silent and kept on looking at me with very uncomfortable eyes.

A cyclops, big lady with bronze skin, one big eye in the middle of the forehead, and dumb as hell.

She almost broke the table when she sat down and my back, trying to hug me.

Her kid, a boy, was slightly smarter, but still not the sharpest tool in the shed.

The dryad girl didn't come, not that I cared, I was happy for the extra free time.

The insect demi-human, albeit hard on the eye, was more comprehensible. It ground my gears that her thin limbs shouldn't be able to work properly with her weight, but I kept quiet.

The golem almost broke me, I admit. 2 tons of pure pink marble, shaped like a high school girl, capable of walking like a normal one, and wearing silk clothes that didn't get ripped apart. 

Oh, and she was pregnant of course, A pure stone-based organism was pregnant. I had so many questions for that girl and for the Toad.

But the thing, the creature which broke me into little, tiny pieces, was Sue.

She was the youngest wife of the King. Her species was a slime, A Ground Slime to be exact, whatever that meant.

On the outside, she looked like a normal human teenager, with brown hair and eyes, wearing an expensive-looking dress.

But on the inside, for the lack of a better world, she was mud.

No organs, no bones, no muscle, no blood, no nervous system, just…mud.

Her mind seemed to be linked to the stuff itself, since she could detach parts of her body, grow a new one and make a compactly identical clone out of it.

A pile of sentient mud capable of cloning…who was also pregnant!

How!? How the bloody hell is that possible!? Toad, or the love of God, keep whatever you have, in your pants!

"Just tell me, do you even feel pain?"

"Kinda! Sue is strong, so not a lot of things hurt her, Gyuu!"

I wrote down some data on the notepad, my brain slowly vaporizing out from my brain.

"Right, I meant to ask. That sound you make, is that compulsory, or does it act like a catchphrase?"

"What, Gyuu?"

"That? That 'Gyuu' sound. Can you say a sentence without making it?"

The girl acted distressed as she looked worriedly around herself.

"I never thought about that… Gyuu."

So, it is compulsory.

"You don't need to be afraid. Having a habit isn't something to be ashamed of. I myself start to sing when I am thinking or nervous. You have no idea how many songs are stuck in my head because of this. Just… be careful, some people might look at you all weird."

"Right. Thank you, Gyuu."

"You are welcome, Gyuu."

Copying her sound, she lightened up a little.

"Now, I think we are done. I will check your…soil sample to see if you are sick. If you have any problems or questions, just come to me and I will help to the best of my ability."

"Thank you, Gyuu!"

Once she closed the door behind her, the smile faded from my face, as I put the sample of her mud next to the others.

"Alright friend, think this through, breathe in, and work those brain cells of yours. Slowly figure out what to do."

I was lying the whole time. I had no idea what I was doing.

The books the Toad gave me didn't help me at all. They were made for adventurers to kill these monsters, not how to cure them. The anatomy charts were messy, the descriptions were vague, and for the love of god why the hell should I need a book with different sex moves?!

Am I working in a sex dungeon? I haven't seen the outside of the castle yet, so it can be.

"Yes, a walk. I require some fresh air. But before I do that, I need to take another sample."

I lifted the knife and cut my palm.

It seemed like in this new body I had blood; albeit darker than the one I used to have when I was human.

I filled the container to the brim, sealed it, placed it with the others, put a purse full of gold coins in my pocket, left my room, and started to walk around.

There were surprisingly more guards around today, patrolling the corridors.

I should ask one.

Stopping a dog-headed guard, I asked for directions outside, which he happily gave me.

What a nice guy, I should remember him.

Following his instructions, I passed through another gate, finally seeing the sunlight.

"Ah, the sun! How I missed you!"

As I walked down the stairs leading to the castle, I took in the scenery before me.

From what I could tell, we were in a crater of some sort, with the castle in the middle of it as a huge gray toothpick-like thing.

"They built the castle into a meteorite. I can't decide if it's amazing or stupid."

Deciding it as both, I looked at the city.

It was still being built, its edges spreading up the walls of the craters.

The houses themselves were quite simple, some were built with wood, with others from stones or bricks, lining up before the cobblestone streets.

What surprised me was the variety of residents, some beast,  some fish, some other combinations of being.

It was a scene that I could only describe as magical.

"So many species… So many anatomies I need to study. Ugh, I hope there is a bar somewhere. Are cigarettes a thing here? This is a new body, so it won't harm me to pick them up again."

Walking through the streets of the city, I saw several shops selling different things.

First, I stopped at a cloth shop, where I bought some new clothes since the ones I was wearing were quite baggy, with my reduced size. I also asked for a special item, which was immediately made for me in order, in case something would happen.

After that, I went to a weapon shop, to buy the means to protect myself.

With my previous experiences, I decided to specialize in knives, but I also bought a short sword, which seemed like the easiest to use.

The knives I bought were special, they had a hidden compartment in them which could be filled with any type of liquid.

If I stab or cut somebody, they would be injected with poison! Oh, I could dilute some of my spores in water and make some special knives!

Excited, I rushed to a nearby pharmacy, buying several poisons, which I used to fill up the knives, making them ready for action.

"Damn, I'm almost out of money, but there are still some left for a nice meal.

I entered the tavern called 'Black Lick' and sat down in a corner.

It was around noon, so the place was filled with people drinking and eating.

God, I haven't eaten anything for such a long time. I want steak with beer!

"Hello sir, welcome to the Black Luck. Here is today's menu! For elves, I recommend our famous 23 herb salad, the best in our kingdom. It's divine with our Red Crab Wine!"

The waiter gave me the menus as she spoke with a smile on her face.

"Thanks, it sounds great, but I would prefer a…' Rock Bull Stake', with bacon-filled mushrooms and fried potatoes. Also, if you have some beer, that would be great."

The waitress's eyes almost fell out from her eyes as I said my order, but she nodded and took off.

Are elves universally vegetarians? I pity them, there is nothing better than a good stake!

"… What are you doing here?"

Hmm, oh, not him.

It was that half-wolf brat, the one who tried to kill me.

He was accompanied by a group of beast-man, his gang, probably.

"Why can't I be here? This is a tavern, and I am a paying customer, who is waiting for a meal."

"Then eat at the castle."

He sat down before me, his ragtag standing behind him, trying to look intimidating.

"I already paid for it, and it would be rude for me to just leave. You haven't ordered yet, so you are free to leave."

The wolf boy groaned, showing his sharp teeth.

Slowly I grabbed my new sword, ready to fight, when the waitress put the plate of food before me with a mug filled with a foaming brown liquid.

"Thank you for your wait. Please enjoy!"

"Thanks."

I smiled as I cut a small amount of meat off, and bite into it.

"Damn, this is good."

Finally, being able to taste things in their full glory, was true bliss.

As I continued eating, more and more people were looking at me, with a clear shock in their eyes.

"Okay, what is it this time? Are my manners not up to your standards?"

The wolf kid looked at me disgusted as he leaned backward from me.

"You are a disgrace. Elves are bound by  a sacred oath which bans them from eating meat or drinking alcohol."

"Really. Well, I just evolved into this body, haven't put down any oath, so if you would excuse me, I have a stake to finish and a beer to drink."

I took another bite, then I washed it down with some beer.

"Ahh, this is great! Can't understand why anyone would give up on this!"

My comment seemed to make an uproar in one of the parts of the tavern.

It was a group of beautiful, pointy-eared people who looked shocked and disgusted at me.

"Hey, you do you!"

My remark seemed to make them even more furious, I could distinctly hear the sound of a sword being unsheathed.

Oh, boy.

Knowing that if I stayed here any longer, things would turn ugly, I drank my beer and stood up.

"Well, it was a pleasure, but I still have things to do. I'll leave the bill to you."

Before he could say anything else, I quickly left the establishment, heading to another shop on my list.

It was a small shop with the name  ' Auntie's Books'  painted on the front.

Its insides were dark, dusty, and crammed with shelves and books.

I walked to the clerk; a mole-headed old man who seemed half dead.

"Excuse me, do you have books about different monster anatomies and medicine?"

Bored, he pointed behind me.

"' This is all we have. If I were you, I would talk to the king, there is a huge library in the castle."

"Library. Of course."

Mental note: find and pillage the shit out of it!

"May I check them quickly before I buy them? To see if these are the ones I'm looking for?"

"Suit yourself. Not a lot of folk come here anyway."

I brazed through the books, finding even more abstract and useless stuff, when something caught my eye.

On a shelf, tucked amongst countless books, there was something.

A small diary-looking thing, glowing a bluish light.

Is that a magic book?

Curious about what it was, I pulled it out.

The second it was in the air, the letters formed in my head as the world around me started to spin.

[Congratulation]

[You found a drifter item]

[[Blessing of Nergal] is activated]

[Commencing dimensional dive]

[Prepare for reality shift]

[User is set to be transferred into:[Regul, The Capital of Steam]]

[

Name: Phil Smith 'Plague Father'

Race: [Molded High Elf] Lv: 1/100 (0/100)

Main Class: [Life Scholar]

Sub Class: [Runner]

HP(Health Points): 240/240

SP(Stamina Points): 260

MP(Magic Points): 160/160

TMN (Tamed Monster Numbers): [231.810]

Blessings: [Blessing of Nergal]

Active Skills: [Basic Steady Hand] [Formula Creation]] [Hive control] [Hive Absorption] [Hive Repulsion] [Mold Field] [Basic Spirit Voice] [Aether Vision]

Passive Skills: [Basic Body Knowledge] [Basic Plant Knowledge] [Basic Medicine Knowledge] [Basic Stamina Enhancement] [Basic Movement Enhancement] [Basic Reflex Enhancement.] [Basic Sponge Mind] [Perfect Stomach] [Hive Mind]

Affinities: [Basic Farming Affinity] [Basic War Affinity] [Basic Pestilence Affinity][ Basic Fire Affinity.] [Basic Life Affinity] [Basic Death Affinity]

Titles: [The One Who Saw A Thousand Worlds] [Knowledge Driven] [Chosen by Flies] [Medicine Pioneer] [Hive Master]