Avatara

Pixel and I stood in front of the gravestone.

"Thanks for coming," I said to Pixel.

"No problem. But do you think it's a good idea, us being here, next to his grave?" said Pixel.

I laid some flowers down by the tombstone of Robert Ash aka Knightmare.

"I'm sure they are watching me all the time now," I said. "At least being at a cemetery will distract them a bit. Remembering the loss of Knightmare keeps me in touch with my feelings and my sense of responsibility for what has happened."

"Do you think you will move on now?" Pixel said.

"What choice do I have?" I put my hands back in my pockets, as it was cold with a wind chill.

We didn't say anything for a while and just stared at Knightmare's tombstone. I ran a hand through my dyed hair.

"Black hair is a different look," said Pixel. "You did that recently?"

"Just a week ago, I doubt it will help make me less obvious though. I also haven't opened the flower shop for a week. I just need time to think." Pixel looked exactly the same as she did four months ago.

"It's hardened you, hasn't it?" said Pixel.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"The experiences of the last year or so, have changed you. You seem less friendly."

"The world is a harsh place," I said. I winced as I felt pain in the skin of my left arm. I rubbed the coat sleeve with my right hand.

"The scar is still there?" said Pixel.

"Yeah, it never fully heals," I said.

I kept having the feeling that Pixel was being careful with her words around me, just like Jazz did last week.

"I worry about you," said Pixel. "You know you're like a big sister to me."

"Please don't," I said. "Worry about your own future, especially if you're going to be taking over Kawakami industries one day. When are you going back to Tokyo?"

Pixel had already been back in Japan for the past few months, she just came back to check in on me. She spoke to me like someone who had a chronic illness. But I stopped myself from questioning her about it. I appreciated that she cared.

"My flight is tomorrow," said Pixel. "And I got to tell you, I don't fancy a battle with Snow Globe's sons over the future of the company."

"He has sons?" I said.

"Two of them, both silly spoilt playboys, who know nothing about technology or business but they will have a stake in any inheritance."

"Gosh, why is life so complicated," I said. I wanted Pixel to stop talking about it and this was an indirect way of saying it. I felt so overwhelmed and tired from hearing about problems constantly.

"I wish I had Yi to ask for help," I said. Pixel looked away at the mention of his name. Perhaps she was still grieving from his loss. I guess we were all sad that we would not be seeing him again.

"Maybe he is still with us in our hearts," Pixel said. The comment sounded trite to me.

"How did Snow Globe cope?" I said.

"He cried," Pixel replied. That did not make me feel better about the old man.

"I can't believe Yi made us kiss, so that we could escape the servers back to our bodies," said Pixel.

"Well I can't remember any of the details of that," I said.

Pixel and I walked down the outskirts of the cemetery towards the exit and talked some more.

"Jazz is going to work for Kawakami" Pixel said.

"He told me already," I said. "They must be looking for some kind of security personnel or something right? He would be great and he's fantastic with computer code as well. I think it's a perfect fit for him."

"You won't miss him?" said Pixel.

"Me and Jazz don't talk anymore," I said. "I kept to my word on that."

"I still think he may have some moral objection to working with a private company like ours," said Pixel.

"I wouldn't blame him," I said. "What about Qwerty and Byte?"

"Oh they run by their own agenda those two, inseparable as always. You know they are two failed kids of the fostering system in this country. They're so intelligent and streetwise that they get away with being mini a.d.u.l.ts. They are currently at a skateboarding expo in Berlin. Then they will come and stay with me in Tokyo for a month before running off somewhere else no doubt."

"Hmm," I replied.

We reached the exit. Outside of the cemetery the pavement was uneven and covered in old chewing gum marks and the odd bird excrement.

"Please take it easy Grace and allow yourself to get over the pain," said Pixel.

"How did you get over it?" I asked. "The deaths of Snow Globe's men?"

"It's been very hard, especially Takeshi's death," she said. "It's been really hard for Snow Globe as well. He cries a lot and tears are often in his eyes, but it's the cultural norm for men of his generation to remain stoic."

Rain drizzled down around and on us, a very light precipitation, almost imperceptible. Pixel looked at me with kindness in her eyes. I really had found a sister. Even though she was eight or so years younger than me, I didn't see it. Her intentions were true and I felt assured that she would be fine with Snow Globe. Even though I didn't like him.

"You will be alright?" I asked.

"Yes," said Pixel. "I'm more worried about you. We will ask Diamond to look out for you."

"Who's Diamond?" said Grace.

"Remember the one with the purple hair who you saw when we met at the skatepark," said Pixel.

"Oh yes," said Grace. "She's a good person of good character?"

"Yes," Pixel laughed. " I'll ask her to get in contact."

A luxury saloon with blacked out windows car pulled up by the pavement with its hazard lights flashing.

"That's my ride," said Pixel. "I better go."

She gave me a big hug. "Say hi to your mum for me."

"I will," I said. "Be careful Wanda." I gave her a cheeky smile. Remembering that Snow Globe told me Pixel's real name when we were in Byzantium.

Pixel laughed. "I still can't believe that Snow Globe told you my real name."

"It's a beautiful name," I said.

"It's a weird name," said Pixel. "No telling anyone else," she said wagging a finger and smiling cheekily. Then she trotted off the car. The chauffeur came round and opened the rear door for her. She gave me a final wave before she entered the vehicle and I watched it go down the road and disappear in the distance.

And then I walked. Time to go back to my shop. Mum would be moving down in two weeks and I had to decide what I was going to do next with the shop; with everything.

The future scares me. But what scares me more is myself. My ability to tolerate this chaos and despairing situation is weird. And I feel a seething rage growing within, something very visceral and ruthless has developed within me. I feel strong and able to cope. I feel independent and heroic. I still care for people, my mum, Pixel, Qwerty, Byte, Snow Globe and Jazz. I still love Jazz. But my naivety and innocence are gone.

Hopefully, I can come to terms with all the things I have been through. Maybe I can see a therapist who will help me search my psyche to see if there are any anomalies. I have no idea but I guess that's the kind of thing they do. Just need someone to help me with the aggressive feelings I now have. I should tell Pixel I am feeling this way. I'm sure I can trust her now. Who else can understand? Jazz is gone and Escape Key has disbanded. Could I tell my Mum?

And all this thinking makes me tired. For tonight, I hope I can sleep and have a good dream about something. A dream where people are connected to things in real life; where meaningful stories are not fragmented by all the distractions of modern gadgets and where people can form relationsh.i.p.s that last a lifetime.

But until those times return I'll deal with the world as it is.