Before My Withering – 1

MAY 25, 2021~EYLJEE

Translator: Hiraeth

I’ve been suffering from insomnia these past two months. 

Along with loss of appetite, dizziness and palpitations, my outward appearance increasingly shriveled; even my face slimmed down. 

I didn’t want Qi Shu to catch sight of those two rows of my unappealing ribs. Recently, I’ve always begged him to turn off the light. 

Despite that, he told me last night as he held my waist, “Why are you so thin?”

Not bad, he could still notice that I turned thin.

I reassured myself that at least he didn’t care about me at all.

But that’s all there is to it. After that, he buried his head inside me and rammed it in.

A top alpha’s physical strength was truly frightening. I wasn’t a natural-born omega, so it was painful for me every time we did it.

After it was over, he fell asleep. I used the wall to guide myself to go to the bathroom to wash myself when I accidentally slipped at the doorway and passed out.

Having passed out so many times for no apparent reason, I’ve gotten the hang of the pattern and know I’ll wake up in about two or three hours.

Before I fainted, I thought it was time to see a doctor.

But I hate hospitals.

The surgery half a year ago caused me so much pain that for the first few days after the artificial gland was implanted, every cell in my body clamored in rejection, wanting to tear my body into a million pieces.

It felt so painful that I turned delirious, crying and begging the doctor to give me morphine. 

But the doctor just looked at me sympathetically, shook his head and said, “You have to endure.”

I have to endure.

I implanted a fake omega gland into my body for Qi Shu’s sake.

It was out of my own free will, so I had to endure it. 

Technology and science has advanced to the point where people could surgically remove or implant glands for certain unspeakable purposes, even though they’re still unable to change their gender.

But fake is fake in the end.

Qi Shu could take the pleasure of dominating and possessing me by tearing into my glands, but he couldn’t really mark me.

He didn’t want to mark me either.

It’s dawn. The sunshine of the early spring has always been a pleasant sight.

Everything under the sun was alive except me.

When I woke up, Qi Shu had already left. He was extremely self-disciplined and would show up at the office on time at nine o’clock the next morning, no matter how intense he was the night before.

Without him, the house was desolate and cold.

I’m like a prostitute who comes and goes when called. I have to be dressed at dawn and get away.

I loved him for seven years.

He fucked me for four years.

I have the key to his house.

I could also get in and out of his company as l please.

But I still feel like a prostitute.

Just because he doesn’t love me.

The first time we slept together, he called me Xiao Yan.

The affectionate murmur made Xiao Yan and Xiao Yu sound very similar.

It’s a pity that I’m excellent at listening to music.

More than one person said I resembled Wen Yan.

Maybe I should be glad that if it weren’t for the resemblance, I wouldn’t be able climb on Qi Shu’s bed in my life. 

Each of Qi Shu’s bed partners would more or less resemble Wen Yan. 

I was the most alike, so I accompanied him the longest.

So long that I almost forgot that I was a substitute.

The first time I saw Qi Shu and Wen Yan was on the first day of high school. Their photos were pasted side by side in the highest column of honorary alumni.

Qi Shu was six years older than me. At that time, he had inherited the huge fortune of Qi’s financial group and became the youngest person at the helm of the business empire that controlled the financial lifeline of the whole country.

In the photo, Qi Shu’s eyebrows were sharp; he was openly handsome.

And Wen Yan, who was beside him, was just like his name. His eyes were soft and his lips resembled pink roses in the early morning.

One month later, I fell in love with Qi Shu. He went back to school to attend the library’s completion ceremony. As a freshman representative, I went on stage to present flowers for him.

The real Qi Shu was much more beautiful in person than in the photo. With just a glance, I fell in deep.

I still haven’t come out so far.

Face dogs always have to pay the price for their blindness.

Thinking of this, I don’t want to go to the hospital anymore.

Half a year ago, I heard that Wen Yan would return to China after finishing his doctorate. Due to panic, I went to do an artificial gland transplantat.

Counting the days from now, Wen Yan should be back next month. By that time, Qi Shu probably won’t need me anymore. So what does it matter if I’m healthy or not?

I sent a message to Qi Shu: 【Senior, I went back to school.】

After waiting for more than 20 minutes, he only replied “En”.

Nearing graduation, there was nothing to do back at school. Most of the senior students have already moved out of the dormitory. I don’t have many things in school, so it doesn’t matter whether I move or not.

When I handed in my graduation work last month, my professor asked me, “Do you really want to turn down the invitation from Conservatory of Music?”

I didn’t dare to look at her and responded vaguely with my head down, “I don’t really want to go abroad…”

The teacher sighed, “That’s too bad.”

I could only apologize. “Sorry…”

I’ve said sorry to a lot of people.

Guilt and self-reproach would constantly weigh me down.

I’m so tired.

In the first two years, I had delusions that I shouldn’t have. When I was in a bad mood or encountered  trouble, I would always have the urge to tell Qi Shu.

Not to ask him for help, but just to take the opportunity to act coquettish, expecting to get a little sympathy and even heartache from him.

Until he teasingly said to me, “Xiao Yu, I think you’re mistaken?”

I froze in place and looked at him in disbelief.

Qi Shu gave out a light laugh, “I’m not your boyfriend, and I’m not obligated to bother with your petty chicken shit. I’m busy.”

Yes, pampering is a privilege only for those who are loved.

Who am I to do that?

Qi Shu poured cold water on me. From then on, I learned to hide all my negative emotions and would smile at him tenderly.

In his heart, I’m probably a well-behaved and obedient bed partner. Someone who would allow him to plunder without ever refusing.

Once after doing that, Qi Shu satisfactorily praised me for being a beta, and that my waist was even softer than omegas.

Only at this time would he treat me gently. I boldly buried and rubbed myself in his arms and then asked, “Do you like me?”

He didn’t answer. He leaned over to kiss my hair, pulled the quilt and said, “Go to sleep.”

And so I never asked again.

The people in his bed come and go. It’s too tiring to like each and every one of them. 

Before My Withering – 1

MAY 25, 2021~EYLJEE

Translator: Hiraeth

I’ve been suffering from insomnia these past two months. 

Along with loss of appetite, dizziness and palpitations, my outward appearance increasingly shriveled; even my face slimmed down. 

I didn’t want Qi Shu to catch sight of those two rows of my unappealing ribs. Recently, I’ve always begged him to turn off the light. 

Despite that, he told me last night as he held my waist, “Why are you so thin?”

Not bad, he could still notice that I turned thin.

I reassured myself that at least he didn’t care about me at all.

But that’s all there is to it. After that, he buried his head inside me and rammed it in.

A top alpha’s physical strength was truly frightening. I wasn’t a natural-born omega, so it was painful for me every time we did it.

After it was over, he fell asleep. I used the wall to guide myself to go to the bathroom to wash myself when I accidentally slipped at the doorway and passed out.

Having passed out so many times for no apparent reason, I’ve gotten the hang of the pattern and know I’ll wake up in about two or three hours.

Before I fainted, I thought it was time to see a doctor.

But I hate hospitals.

The surgery half a year ago caused me so much pain that for the first few days after the artificial gland was implanted, every cell in my body clamored in rejection, wanting to tear my body into a million pieces.

It felt so painful that I turned delirious, crying and begging the doctor to give me morphine. 

But the doctor just looked at me sympathetically, shook his head and said, “You have to endure.”

I have to endure.

I implanted a fake omega gland into my body for Qi Shu’s sake.

It was out of my own free will, so I had to endure it. 

Technology and science has advanced to the point where people could surgically remove or implant glands for certain unspeakable purposes, even though they’re still unable to change their gender.

But fake is fake in the end.

Qi Shu could take the pleasure of dominating and possessing me by tearing into my glands, but he couldn’t really mark me.

He didn’t want to mark me either.

It’s dawn. The sunshine of the early spring has always been a pleasant sight.

Everything under the sun was alive except me.

When I woke up, Qi Shu had already left. He was extremely self-disciplined and would show up at the office on time at nine o’clock the next morning, no matter how intense he was the night before.

Without him, the house was desolate and cold.

I’m like a prostitute who comes and goes when called. I have to be dressed at dawn and get away.

I loved him for seven years.

He fucked me for four years.

I have the key to his house.

I could also get in and out of his company as l please.

But I still feel like a prostitute.

Just because he doesn’t love me.

The first time we slept together, he called me Xiao Yan.

The affectionate murmur made Xiao Yan and Xiao Yu sound very similar.

It’s a pity that I’m excellent at listening to music.

More than one person said I resembled Wen Yan.

Maybe I should be glad that if it weren’t for the resemblance, I wouldn’t be able climb on Qi Shu’s bed in my life. 

Each of Qi Shu’s bed partners would more or less resemble Wen Yan. 

I was the most alike, so I accompanied him the longest.

So long that I almost forgot that I was a substitute.

The first time I saw Qi Shu and Wen Yan was on the first day of high school. Their photos were pasted side by side in the highest column of honorary alumni.

Qi Shu was six years older than me. At that time, he had inherited the huge fortune of Qi’s financial group and became the youngest person at the helm of the business empire that controlled the financial lifeline of the whole country.

In the photo, Qi Shu’s eyebrows were sharp; he was openly handsome.

And Wen Yan, who was beside him, was just like his name. His eyes were soft and his lips resembled pink roses in the early morning.

One month later, I fell in love with Qi Shu. He went back to school to attend the library’s completion ceremony. As a freshman representative, I went on stage to present flowers for him.

The real Qi Shu was much more beautiful in person than in the photo. With just a glance, I fell in deep.

I still haven’t come out so far.

Face dogs always have to pay the price for their blindness.

Thinking of this, I don’t want to go to the hospital anymore.

Half a year ago, I heard that Wen Yan would return to China after finishing his doctorate. Due to panic, I went to do an artificial gland transplantat.

Counting the days from now, Wen Yan should be back next month. By that time, Qi Shu probably won’t need me anymore. So what does it matter if I’m healthy or not?

I sent a message to Qi Shu: 【Senior, I went back to school.】

After waiting for more than 20 minutes, he only replied “En”.

Nearing graduation, there was nothing to do back at school. Most of the senior students have already moved out of the dormitory. I don’t have many things in school, so it doesn’t matter whether I move or not.

When I handed in my graduation work last month, my professor asked me, “Do you really want to turn down the invitation from Conservatory of Music?”

I didn’t dare to look at her and responded vaguely with my head down, “I don’t really want to go abroad…”

The teacher sighed, “That’s too bad.”

I could only apologize. “Sorry…”

I’ve said sorry to a lot of people.

Guilt and self-reproach would constantly weigh me down.

I’m so tired.

In the first two years, I had delusions that I shouldn’t have. When I was in a bad mood or encountered  trouble, I would always have the urge to tell Qi Shu.

Not to ask him for help, but just to take the opportunity to act coquettish, expecting to get a little sympathy and even heartache from him.

Until he teasingly said to me, “Xiao Yu, I think you’re mistaken?”

I froze in place and looked at him in disbelief.

Qi Shu gave out a light laugh, “I’m not your boyfriend, and I’m not obligated to bother with your petty chicken shit. I’m busy.”

Yes, pampering is a privilege only for those who are loved.

Who am I to do that?

Qi Shu poured cold water on me. From then on, I learned to hide all my negative emotions and would smile at him tenderly.

In his heart, I’m probably a well-behaved and obedient bed partner. Someone who would allow him to plunder without ever refusing.

Once after doing that, Qi Shu satisfactorily praised me for being a beta, and that my waist was even softer than omegas.

Only at this time would he treat me gently. I boldly buried and rubbed myself in his arms and then asked, “Do you like me?”

He didn’t answer. He leaned over to kiss my hair, pulled the quilt and said, “Go to sleep.”

And so I never asked again.

The people in his bed come and go. It’s too tiring to like each and every one of them.