Before My Withering

I had a fever once we arrived, probably the retribution of the wind blowing all throughout last night.  

This body of mine had been taken good care of by Zhou Chen, I’d almost forgotten my body was a leaky, tattered plastic bag just flapping, and my sturdy resistance had long since disappeared.  

If he knew I caught a cold, he’d surely scold me. Luckily, he didn’t.  

As I thought about Zhou Chen, I saw a vague figure in front of me, and unconsciously opened my mouth and called out “sir”.

 

 

That was how his butler and his housekeepers addressed him, so I followed suit. 

     

When I called him that for the first time, he dropped the spoon that was stirring the honey water. The second time, he cut off a flower that was properly blooming, and for the third time, he covered his mouth and coughed, and then responded “En” as if nothing had happened.

 

I asked him if he didn’t like how he’s being addressed. He said I could call him whatever I want, it doesn’t matter. 

The back of the person in front of me stiffened. He turned back and pressed my shoulder, then said with gritted teeth. “Take a close look to see who I am.”

My head was throbbing, but my vision slowly turned clear. I then saw Qi Shu’s face. 

 

Oh… It was Qi Shu.

“Senior.” I cried feebly, then turned over and curled myself under the quilt.

My temperature was scalding, and I felt dizzy and weak. He most likely wouldn’t want to sleep with me now. 

But I had underestimated Qi Shu. He actually began to pull my clothes. 

“What are you doing! Qi Shu, you…” I did my best to struggle, but I was still pinned on the bed.

“I’ll take your fucking body temperature! What do you think I’m doing?”

He loosened my collar and his eyes suddenly darkened. I immediately remembered something. I stared at him warily, as I raised my hand to guard the pendant. 

“Where’s your necklace?” he asked coldly. 

Necklace… That coin?

“Threw it away.”

“Threw it away… Okay, you threw it away.” He pointed to where my pendant was located. “What’s this, Zhou Chen gave it to you?”

I don’t know whether it could be considered to be given to me by Zhou Chen or given by Qi Shu. 

He’d probably taken my silence as a concession. His eyes darkened, directly yanked me up by the collar, then grabbed my necklace. 

“Qi Shu!” I screamed out in panic, covering my chest as if death had descended, “Stop it!”

 

“Who gave you permission to keep his stuff? Give it to me!”

  

    ……

 

I was no match for him. 

His elbow had hit me in the face during the scramble. It hurt so much that I saw stars dancing and my whole body gave out, and then the pendant was ripped off and finally ended in his hands. 

Lf rabbv ys atf yfv mieamtlcu atf qfcvjca, abkfglcu bnfg wf.

“Xlnf la yjmx… Hl Vte…”

P tfjgv j wbegcoei mgs bo j vslcu mey, mgefi jcv rbggbkoei.

Pa abbx j ibcu alwf obg wf ab gfjma, atf rbecv tjv mbwf ogbw wf.  

 “P’ii ulnf sbe ktjafnfg sbe kjca….. Tbe ulnf tlw yjmx ab wf…”

“Please…..”

“Qi Shu….”

    …… 

 

I crawled over to grope the end ridge of the lower hem of his jacket, and was dodged before I could touch it. He then threw a cold look at the object in his hand and walked to the window.

“Don’t!”

I had never made such a sharp sound. Qi Shu turned a deaf ear, raised his hand and threw the pendant out of the window. 

The tiny lantern drew a silver parabola in the air and disappeared somewhere in a corner of the courtyard.

I rushed as if chased by death, but was stopped by Qi Shu and dragged back by the waist the moment before I jumped.

 

“Are you crazy!” He snapped at me, his tone harsh. “You don’t want to live?!”

  

I don’t want it, I stopped wanting it a long time ago.

 

To live if there is only suffering, I might as well should’ve died that night.

  

I struggled with all my strength to break away from Qi Shu, stood one step away from him, and said to him with the most resentful gaze and voice I could muster, “I hate you.”

His entire body momentarily shook. He stared at me blankly, as if he’d found that unbelievable, and asked, “What did you say…?”

“I said, I hate you, I’ll always hate you.”

After saying that I pushed him away and ran out. As if in a trance, I saw his absent-minded expression. 

I bumped into a maid at the corner of the stairs, knocking over cups and dishes and breaking them all over the floor. I apologized in a panic, not caring what she said, and continued to stagger along.

 

The courtyard was too big. I crouched on the ground for a long time, and finally found the lantern by the pool.

The small glass cover had been broken into pieces, and the powder inside was scattered on the ground, blown away by the wind, unable to return. 

Perhaps I’d shed too many tears. At this moment, surprisingly, there was only emptiness in my heart.

In the end I failed to keep him…

No matter what I did.

I knelt down, carefully gathered up the fragments, and buried them under a lush camphor tree in the garden, along with the silver lamp frame.  

We were a terrible pair of parents, who left him no peace even after his death.

I had lost all strength to finish everything, as if my entirety had become an empty shell, while my soul floated mid-air, watching numbly. 

 

My pajamas were turned into a mess by Qi Shu. I’d been barefoot when I came down, so my feet were now covered in mud.

I suddenly felt sorry for Zhou Chen. I made myself like this the very first day I left him. 

He’d be disappointed.

The high fever dimmed my sight again. I braced myself against the tree trunk to stand up, but before I took a step, my sight darkened and I collapsed.

I’m tired.

Let me sleep. 

 

I slept for two full days and woke up with a new pendant around my neck – a ring made out of diamonds, which was as simple and as extravagant, resembling the size of that coin.

Qi Shu was trying to tell me in a roundabout way, that I still wanted to return to his beautiful cage.

I was about to reach out and take it off when a cold voice came from the bedside. “Don’t take it off.” 

Qi Shu sat there, looking at me as if I was a criminal. 

“I don’t want it,” I said.

“You want what he gives you, but not what I give you?” His eyes were covered with dark clouds. “We’ve been together for four years, and you’ve only known him for how long?”

I forced a smile. “Together… Do we count as a couple?” 

He didn’t give me respect, nor did he cherish, and kept me company, now he’s actually saying we’re together. 

Qi Shu’s expression changed. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but in the end he swallowed it back.

“…… Anyway, you’re not allowed to take it off.”

“I said no!” I don’t know where I got the strength to yell at him. “I’m already here. What’s the point of doing all this extra stuff?” 

“Xiao Yu, have you done enough!”

He wasn’t a good-tempered man in the end and was easily angered by me. I looked at his raised palm and was ready for it to fall on my face. Unexpectedly, he clenched his fist mid-air, trembling a bit as he took it back to his side.    

 

“Don’t you just want to get revenge? You should already be satisfied with what you’ve done so far, right?” He stared at me viciously. “I don’t believe that you really like Zhou Chen.”

Revenge..? 

He thought I was retaliating against him using Zhou Chen.

“Do you think I’m like you and can sleep with someone I don’t like?”

I was surprisingly calm inside, but truthfully, I wanted to get back at him a little.

“Did Wen Ziqing ever tell you that I accompanied Zhou Chen through his susceptibility period?” 

“What…” There was surprise in his eyes, even a trace of… pain.

I should obviously feel happy at this moment, but when I looked at Qi Shu, I couldn’t even feel the pleasure. 

“You like young, beautiful and clean ones. I’m not like that now. Don’t you mind keeping me, an eyesore?”

“…Where did Zhou Chen touch you?” Ignoring my words, he leaned over and grabbed my arm. His eyes were frighteningly red. 

“How can you let him touch you…”

I didn’t answer.

The atmosphere was quiet and oppressive, and Qi Shu’s entire body was trembling. I don’t know how long it took, but he finally let go and sat back.

“It doesn’t matter…” The edge of his lips twitched slightly, and finally turned into an arc. “We….still have a lot of time.” 

I hadn’t understood why he had such an attitude, only to see him propping up his chair and slowly standing up, his gaze drifting. “Get some rest, we’ll go see the ceremonial dress together tomorrow.”

As if thinking of something, he suddenly relaxed and smiled again, looked at me and said, “We’re getting married. Are you happy?”

Get married?

I felt a lump on my throat, and my heart ached.  

Qi Shu wants to marry me….

“It’s too late…”

 

“It’s not too late!” he hostilely interrupted me, changing his face similar to turning a book. “It’s never too late.”

How am I going to tell him, that the pendant he’d thrown away, contained the ashes of our child? 

If I were to marry him like this, then I’d be too cheap. 

“Qi Shu, I can’tー”

“Don’t ever let me hear you refuse again.”

He caressed my face, his touch crawling like a cold, venomous snake.  

“I’ve heard enough for today. If you dare to upset me again, I can’t guarantee what I’ll do.”

As expected, the tenderness he’d shown was but a pretense, this was what he truly is. 

The fear that I had of Qi Shu had already turned into an innate instinct, and the words I’d wanted to say were stuck in my throat, forced back by his ghastly gaze.

“Be obedient.” he kissed the corner of my lip, satisfied. 

I had a fever once we arrived, probably the retribution of the wind blowing all throughout last night.  

This body of mine had been taken good care of by Zhou Chen, I’d almost forgotten my body was a leaky, tattered plastic bag just flapping, and my sturdy resistance had long since disappeared.  

If he knew I caught a cold, he’d surely scold me. Luckily, he didn’t.  

As I thought about Zhou Chen, I saw a vague figure in front of me, and unconsciously opened my mouth and called out “sir”.

 

 

That was how his butler and his housekeepers addressed him, so I followed suit. 

     

When I called him that for the first time, he dropped the spoon that was stirring the honey water. The second time, he cut off a flower that was properly blooming, and for the third time, he covered his mouth and coughed, and then responded “En” as if nothing had happened.

 

I asked him if he didn’t like how he’s being addressed. He said I could call him whatever I want, it doesn’t matter. 

The back of the person in front of me stiffened. He turned back and pressed my shoulder, then said with gritted teeth. “Take a close look to see who I am.”

My head was throbbing, but my vision slowly turned clear. I then saw Qi Shu’s face. 

 

Oh… It was Qi Shu.

“Senior.” I cried feebly, then turned over and curled myself under the quilt.

My temperature was scalding, and I felt dizzy and weak. He most likely wouldn’t want to sleep with me now. 

But I had underestimated Qi Shu. He actually began to pull my clothes. 

“What are you doing! Qi Shu, you…” I did my best to struggle, but I was still pinned on the bed.

“I’ll take your fucking body temperature! What do you think I’m doing?”

He loosened my collar and his eyes suddenly darkened. I immediately remembered something. I stared at him warily, as I raised my hand to guard the pendant. 

“Where’s your necklace?” he asked coldly. 

Necklace… That coin?

“Threw it away.”

“Threw it away… Okay, you threw it away.” He pointed to where my pendant was located. “What’s this, Zhou Chen gave it to you?”

I don’t know whether it could be considered to be given to me by Zhou Chen or given by Qi Shu. 

He’d probably taken my silence as a concession. His eyes darkened, directly yanked me up by the collar, then grabbed my necklace. 

“Qi Shu!” I screamed out in panic, covering my chest as if death had descended, “Stop it!”

 

“Who gave you permission to keep his stuff? Give it to me!”

  

    ……

 

I was no match for him. 

His elbow had hit me in the face during the scramble. It hurt so much that I saw stars dancing and my whole body gave out, and then the pendant was ripped off and finally ended in his hands. 

Lf rabbv ys atf yfv mieamtlcu atf qfcvjca, abkfglcu bnfg wf.

“Xlnf la yjmx… Hl Vte…”

P tfjgv j wbegcoei mgs bo j vslcu mey, mgefi jcv rbggbkoei.

Pa abbx j ibcu alwf obg wf ab gfjma, atf rbecv tjv mbwf ogbw wf.  

 “P’ii ulnf sbe ktjafnfg sbe kjca….. Tbe ulnf tlw yjmx ab wf…”

“Please…..”

“Qi Shu….”

    …… 

 

I crawled over to grope the end ridge of the lower hem of his jacket, and was dodged before I could touch it. He then threw a cold look at the object in his hand and walked to the window.

“Don’t!”

I had never made such a sharp sound. Qi Shu turned a deaf ear, raised his hand and threw the pendant out of the window. 

The tiny lantern drew a silver parabola in the air and disappeared somewhere in a corner of the courtyard.

I rushed as if chased by death, but was stopped by Qi Shu and dragged back by the waist the moment before I jumped.

 

“Are you crazy!” He snapped at me, his tone harsh. “You don’t want to live?!”

  

I don’t want it, I stopped wanting it a long time ago.

 

To live if there is only suffering, I might as well should’ve died that night.

  

I struggled with all my strength to break away from Qi Shu, stood one step away from him, and said to him with the most resentful gaze and voice I could muster, “I hate you.”

His entire body momentarily shook. He stared at me blankly, as if he’d found that unbelievable, and asked, “What did you say…?”

“I said, I hate you, I’ll always hate you.”

After saying that I pushed him away and ran out. As if in a trance, I saw his absent-minded expression. 

I bumped into a maid at the corner of the stairs, knocking over cups and dishes and breaking them all over the floor. I apologized in a panic, not caring what she said, and continued to stagger along.

 

The courtyard was too big. I crouched on the ground for a long time, and finally found the lantern by the pool.

The small glass cover had been broken into pieces, and the powder inside was scattered on the ground, blown away by the wind, unable to return. 

Perhaps I’d shed too many tears. At this moment, surprisingly, there was only emptiness in my heart.

In the end I failed to keep him…

No matter what I did.

I knelt down, carefully gathered up the fragments, and buried them under a lush camphor tree in the garden, along with the silver lamp frame.  

We were a terrible pair of parents, who left him no peace even after his death.

I had lost all strength to finish everything, as if my entirety had become an empty shell, while my soul floated mid-air, watching numbly. 

 

My pajamas were turned into a mess by Qi Shu. I’d been barefoot when I came down, so my feet were now covered in mud.

I suddenly felt sorry for Zhou Chen. I made myself like this the very first day I left him. 

He’d be disappointed.

The high fever dimmed my sight again. I braced myself against the tree trunk to stand up, but before I took a step, my sight darkened and I collapsed.

I’m tired.

Let me sleep. 

 

I slept for two full days and woke up with a new pendant around my neck – a ring made out of diamonds, which was as simple and as extravagant, resembling the size of that coin.

Qi Shu was trying to tell me in a roundabout way, that I still wanted to return to his beautiful cage.

I was about to reach out and take it off when a cold voice came from the bedside. “Don’t take it off.” 

Qi Shu sat there, looking at me as if I was a criminal. 

“I don’t want it,” I said.

“You want what he gives you, but not what I give you?” His eyes were covered with dark clouds. “We’ve been together for four years, and you’ve only known him for how long?”

I forced a smile. “Together… Do we count as a couple?” 

He didn’t give me respect, nor did he cherish, and kept me company, now he’s actually saying we’re together. 

Qi Shu’s expression changed. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but in the end he swallowed it back.

“…… Anyway, you’re not allowed to take it off.”

“I said no!” I don’t know where I got the strength to yell at him. “I’m already here. What’s the point of doing all this extra stuff?” 

“Xiao Yu, have you done enough!”

He wasn’t a good-tempered man in the end and was easily angered by me. I looked at his raised palm and was ready for it to fall on my face. Unexpectedly, he clenched his fist mid-air, trembling a bit as he took it back to his side.    

 

“Don’t you just want to get revenge? You should already be satisfied with what you’ve done so far, right?” He stared at me viciously. “I don’t believe that you really like Zhou Chen.”

Revenge..? 

He thought I was retaliating against him using Zhou Chen.

“Do you think I’m like you and can sleep with someone I don’t like?”

I was surprisingly calm inside, but truthfully, I wanted to get back at him a little.

“Did Wen Ziqing ever tell you that I accompanied Zhou Chen through his susceptibility period?” 

“What…” There was surprise in his eyes, even a trace of… pain.

I should obviously feel happy at this moment, but when I looked at Qi Shu, I couldn’t even feel the pleasure. 

“You like young, beautiful and clean ones. I’m not like that now. Don’t you mind keeping me, an eyesore?”

“…Where did Zhou Chen touch you?” Ignoring my words, he leaned over and grabbed my arm. His eyes were frighteningly red. 

“How can you let him touch you…”

I didn’t answer.

The atmosphere was quiet and oppressive, and Qi Shu’s entire body was trembling. I don’t know how long it took, but he finally let go and sat back.

“It doesn’t matter…” The edge of his lips twitched slightly, and finally turned into an arc. “We….still have a lot of time.” 

I hadn’t understood why he had such an attitude, only to see him propping up his chair and slowly standing up, his gaze drifting. “Get some rest, we’ll go see the ceremonial dress together tomorrow.”

As if thinking of something, he suddenly relaxed and smiled again, looked at me and said, “We’re getting married. Are you happy?”

Get married?

I felt a lump on my throat, and my heart ached.  

Qi Shu wants to marry me….

“It’s too late…”

 

“It’s not too late!” he hostilely interrupted me, changing his face similar to turning a book. “It’s never too late.”

How am I going to tell him, that the pendant he’d thrown away, contained the ashes of our child? 

If I were to marry him like this, then I’d be too cheap. 

“Qi Shu, I can’tー”

“Don’t ever let me hear you refuse again.”

He caressed my face, his touch crawling like a cold, venomous snake.  

“I’ve heard enough for today. If you dare to upset me again, I can’t guarantee what I’ll do.”

As expected, the tenderness he’d shown was but a pretense, this was what he truly is. 

The fear that I had of Qi Shu had already turned into an innate instinct, and the words I’d wanted to say were stuck in my throat, forced back by his ghastly gaze.

“Be obedient.” he kissed the corner of my lip, satisfied.