Crimson Instinct

*Xin Lei*

Bai Li…

I buried my face in his chest. I felt him resting his chin on my head. After a short pause, Bai Li said,

"But it was bright, Xin Lei. I asked Su Weiyuan to make me sit outside on the bench under the sunlight. I didn't listen to him matter how much he tried to talk to me. I insisted. And then I stayed there for the entire twenty-four hours, but I failed to see anything. I didn't see the brightness of the sun. I didn't see the sky. I didn't see anything. And the truth that hit me hard finally started to sink in. I really couldn't see. I will never be able to see again."

I slowly rubbed his back. I sensed Bai Li wanted to say something more, but there was a beat of silence. I didn't urge him.

Then he softly whispered,

"I knew it was for the country. It is inevitable that when you are fighting for the country, a soldier sometimes has to make many sacrifices. He or she can get hurt in any of the missions. There is always so much to lose."

I slowly caressed his face to keep going. I wanted him to let out that pain, and something told me that he might have never shared it with Lin Zihao or Su Weiyuan.

I wanted to know the vulnerable side of Bai Li behind his strong demeanor. I wanted to see his fears behind his tough facade.

I couldn't be there for him then. But I wanted to be for him now.

"But...why my eyes? Do you know how terrifying it is when you don't know where you are walking? Maybe a normal man can still go on, difficult, but still manageable. But for a soldier, he has enemies. And you never know when any of them just shoots you or stabs you, not even realizing where the shot or attack came from."

Bai took a deep breath. "Why not an arm or leg? Perhaps I could have got a prosthetic. But my sight, Xin Lei. Why on earth did it take my sight away? From my childhood until then, I only knew how to fight. I had beaten and punched and broken bones all the time. But how was I supposed to do that when I could never see my opponent now? And when those thoughts raided my mind, that was the time when I had my first anxiety attack."

I felt Bai Li tightening his grip around me.

"The doctor said that it was PTSD. It wasn't surprising because, after such major accidents, it was common to suffer from bad dreams, anxiousness, and stress. I did undergo therapy, and to a point, it helped me too. Slowly I embraced that undeniable fact. It was hard. But after a certain point, I still couldn't let go of that lingering fear in my heart. But I ignored it. I shrugged it off. And I was tired. I wanted to go back. I was a soldier. My place was in the frontlines. For me, I had recovered."

"When I returned to the base, I was told that I could not continue my service anymore. After all, how could a blind soldier fight? Plus, I had just recovered from PTSD. Maybe staying there could trigger it again. But I didn't want to give up. So I insisted on undergoing training so that I could fight even if I cannot see. It was hard to convince the authorities, but I was as stubborn as hell. And that's when I met Cocoa."

I raised my head to look at him. I could see a swirl of emotions in his gaze.

"Cocoa was supposed to be my guide dog. If I had to fight, I needed help too. And I was hell against it because I didn't want any help. I wanted to be on my own. That just made me feel that I was such a burden. So initially, Cocoa and I never got along mainly because I was too stubborn to accept him. But the trainer told me I had to do that; otherwise, he won't train me. I was pissed off."

I had no idea that Bai Li and Cocoa had a rough start. With their camaraderie, I thought that they always got along well.

"We started the training, but most of the time I pushed him away. I didn't let him do or help me with anything, and he would also run off away from me, sensing my hostility. Sometimes he would even pounce on me and scratch me everywhere with his claws if he got too mad at me."

I faintly smiled.

"…Then one day, without telling the trainer, I went on my own to practice firing targets. I had mapped out the place, and I was confident that I could make it. But along the corridor, when I took a turn to climb down the staircase, Cocoa barked, and he suddenly jumped out of nowhere in front of me, and I fell back."

I furrowed my brows.

"I didn't know he was there. I cursed him. I was annoyed by him. But I sensed that Cocoa was still standing silently beside me. I got up and was about to step ahead again, but he bit my trousers and began to pull me back. Then when one worker passed by, she told me that apparently, my mapping wasn't so perfect. I thought the stairs were three steps ahead, but it was one, and I was going to stumble down and hit my head had I kept on going further."

I softly chuckled, and tears rimmed my eyes.

"And then I came to know from her that Cocoa was always silently walking behind me and guiding me from a distance. He was so quiet that I didn't even realize his presence, and at that time, I was just learning to sense that so I couldn't detect him."

I felt his heartbeat drumming louder and louder. I could hear it. I could feel it so clearly.

"I always rejected him, and it didn't feel like he was attached to me either, but even then, he always did his job. He always quietly had my back. So...so Xin Lei…"

I widened my eyes as I heard him choke. I saw a tear trickling down his left eye.

B-Bai Li…He-he is crying...

"Xin Lei...if anything happened to Cocoa, I will never be able to forgive myself. I want him safe. I...cannot lose him, Xin Lei...It's all my fault. If he gets hurt, it is all because of me. I..-"

But before he blamed himself any further, I cut him off as I pressed my lips on his.