Crocodile Tears

It turned out to be a slip of fate, quite literally too.

As Brother Liu was heading out, a stray rock tripped him, and he was sent flying across his yard. He never even made it to the door, much less arrive at my uncle's house. Much to the horror of my guardians, the engagement was called off.

Hurt flesh takes but months to heal, but something deep inside told me that this marriage was to be postponed indefinitely. But from pure camaraderie and the natural obligation of a medic, the next morning, I still knocked on the Liu manor with a basket of painkillers, bracing myself for the best. Nothing could prepare me for the onslaught.

A few moments passed without an answer, so I knocked again. This time, the door swung wide open to reveal a furious Madame Liu.

"You still dare to show yourself here after what happened to my poor son?" A vein was protruding from her forehead. "I tell you, taking you into the apothecary was the worst mistake my family has ever made! You know what you are—A curse! A vile curse! You brought your parents to their graves, and now you're coming for my son's life!"

I wanted to say it wasn't my fault, but the words were stuck in my throat, silently choking me. I was never good at expressing myself, preferring the comfort of writing instead, but obviously, there was no time for me to compose an essay expressing my apologies now.

"Do you know what my husband said? My son will walk with a limp for the rest of his life! Are you happy now?"

At a loss for words, I tried handing her the basket of freshly picked herbs that I gathered.

She struck it from my hand, screaming for me never to set foot near her family again. "You may have learned how to save people with medicine, but those numbers will never match the amount of people you bring ill fortune to! So rip that mask of being so kind and generous from your face. At your core, you're just a curse."

The door slammed shut.

For the longest time, I stood there, motionless. Maybe I was a bane, and my parents should have left me to wither as soon as I was born. One death could be a coincidence, but my whole life, all I've done was to bring misery to others. Now, it's Brother Liu. Who's next?

You stop an infection before it ends, so maybe I should take my own life before more people are harmed.

I walked back home calmly, smiling at my aunt as I passed her. Yet when I finally reached my room, I near-sprinted inside, rushing to close the door. Tears were already pooling at the edge of my eyes.

I collapsed, crumpling as I hit the hard ground. There was no time for me to even hide my distorting face in my l.a.p. Stop crying and don't give yourself this edge of vulnerability, I told myself. But the tears were unstoppable, being suppressed for much too long.

There were so many who lived in worse conditions than me, and it was my destiny to help them as best I could. I tried to remind myself once more. But the very dream that pushed me onwards was now deflating, punctured by my guilt and helplessness.

It wasn't my fault. I had done nothing. But why were people around me suffering when they shouldn't be? All the childhood wounds from being bullied came crashing back.

The pain hit again…harder than ever…

"You killed your own father!" A boy threw a rock at me.

"Your mother too!" someone else added.

"Get away from me! You're not a noble. You're just a murderer who had someone to birth you but no one to take care of you! Tell your uncle to watch out," the little girl sneered. "He might fall asleep one day and—"

She never was able to finish her sentence. My fist moved faster than her mouth could.

"Blood! Blood! She's going to kill us all!" They ran away, leaving me to weep alone in the empty clearing with a newly-bruised hand.

"Little girl, did you get into another fight?" A raspy voice sounded from behind me. It was a homeless man dressed in mere rags. He waved his arms in the opposite direction of me, as if to sense where I was, and then it hit me. He was blind. We were both defects of society.

"If you don't want people to hurt you, then don't reveal any weakness to them. Emotions are frail things, abused more often than they cause joy. So hide them and turn into the perfect child that no one can find fault with," he coughed, pausing to catch his breath. "No matter what you feel on the inside, always wear a smile on your face."

He had been a fortune teller. But because he refused to tell the future for a high lord, his eyes were taken from him. When I came out to play, he would teach me the rules of divination, but I was no good.

"If you were a real fortune teller, couldn't you have predicted the actions of the lord and not be blinded?"

He only smiled, responding that destiny was not straightforward. "For example, my little YouShi, you will see many deaths but also bring the highest honors to your loved ones."

I hadn't understood. Today, I still do not. Disgrace after disgrace, what honor was there?

He was my first friend and also my last. He couldn't afford medicine for his lung disease, and even when I salvaged some coins, no doctor would treat him once they saw that he was a beggar. So from apothecary to apothecary, I begged to become a medic's apprentice.

Only when I was finally accepted, he had already passed. As I was bowing to my new mentor, he took his last breath, quietly as if he had never been. When I went to find him again, I was told by the guards that his body was tossed into the mass burials outside the city.

Though I never mastered the art of divination, I perfected the practice of hiding my true thoughts and feelings. I wove a cocoon around my heart and wore it as my armor. Ever since hearing the news of his death, I hadn't shed a single tear. Well, up until this morning…

When I woke again, it was already past supper. A throbbing headache dulled whatever logical thinking remained within me. Even if what he said was right, I would not live to see the day. Tonight, I was going to end all of my misery.

I waited for the moon to rise and seize the sky. It was so beautiful yet so lonely. I suppose the most straightforward way would be to hang myself, but just the thought of my aunt and uncle seeing my corpse was too selfish. It was better to fall into the river and let the current carry me to the underworld.

An eternity seemed to pass. Finally, darkness took over the world. My aunt came by to check on me, worried that I had missed supper, but I was only feigning asleep, lying sleeplessly on the hard wooden bed and waiting to meet my end.

"My poor darling," she whispered, pulling up my blankets. I almost couldn't control my tears again.

After hearing her footsteps fade away, I got up. With one hand, I carried with me an unlit lantern so I could find the way to the river once I left the house, and with the other, I opened my bedroom door for the last time.

"Goodbye." My whisper was near inaudible. Their room was still lit, and silhouettes danced behind the paper walls. I could see them, but they couldn't see me leave. After all, death gives no notice.

"Don't worry. I just checked that she's asleep and no one is around." My aunt's voice could be heard clearly through the paper walls. "Whoever marries the princess is destined to become emperor. Who is she to marry, her own brother?" I stopped.

I had no brother.

"The South has a lavish pig. If YouShi marries the Emperor of Chen, she'll be swept up into the court affairs and trapped in the palace. It won't be before long that the North invades, and her life will be ruined along with the rotting kingdom." My uncle sighed. "But Sui has just replaced Northern Zhou. The current emperor, though competent and full of ambition, is much too old."

"What about his Crown Prince?"

"The empress forces all males of the family to have only one spouse. The Crown Prince is already wed. If YouShi marries as a mistress, she will be instantly seen as a blemish by the empress and disposed of."

They were taking the false prophecy to be much too true. How was I, living as a commoner, ever going to even be married to a noble, much less a future emperor?

"That leaves only us, the Liang kingdom." My uncle turned to the window. Seeing him approach, I ducked under the windowsill, my heart racing.

Seeing no one outside, he proceeded to talk. "The current emperor is her father. The future emperor will be her brother by blood. Who can she wed?"

The lantern slipped from my hands, kissing the dirt floor with a dull thud.