Hero Or Villaness

This is the first time I wish I could run away from my son.

At this, I could feel tears forming inside my heart, signaling a dam that is soon to come.

Please tell me this is all just a dream...

Please, I am begging you...

Please tell me that this is all a dream...

Pinching myself, I took a deep breath as I held back all the tears that are developing before me.

At this point, reality struck me, telling me that I have failed.

I am so sorry, Athan... I am so sorry...

I am so sorry that my best was not good enough.

At this point, I could not look at my son at all. I tried to just focus on the cold floor that is touching my long white dress. Now that I stared closely at the floor, I could see clearly how all the floors in the palace, connect with one another. These floors have seen everything, yet it seemed so calm.

What should I do?

Should I tell him?

No, I can't do that because if I do-

"Mama... please answer me. Is the Emperor, my father?" Athan stared at me with eyes filled with fear yet it wasn't like my eyes. Because my eyes had nothing but fear unlike his for, it also had a mixture of determination and sadness.

Thank goodness he didn't get my cowardliness.

I gave a small nervous laugh and tried to say something but, all that came out is a single tear. Just a single tear... And this single tear, brought henceforth, the waves of the ocean. Deep emotions stirred within me at this very moment crying out loud:

'I am so sick of crying. So sick of carrying this burden...'

Still, this is what I wanted, and if I could ever go back through time, I would do the same thing over and over again. My choice would unmistakably not change because it all meant that everyone except me will be laughing.

And that is absolutely fine with me for in the first place, it is impossible to protect everyone and not have anyone to sacrifice.

Despite the inner turmoil inside of me, I showed my son the most genuine smile I could muster at this moment.

I can't even lie in front of him right now, I know that.

Times like this, I think that he should have been born a little dumber like many kids however, my son from birth was never a normal child. Because he is the Crown Prince, so just imagine if Amaranthos finds out...

I wonder if the dream I had from long ago will come true? The dream of Athan, and I along with Amaranthos laughing happily without any care in the world.

How can I even face him after everything I have done to make sure all is peaceful within the Empire?

Nonetheless, I bit my lips and said to Athan with all the courage I could muster, "Yes, my handsome son. You are Athan Da Valde Dragosten, the heir of the Dragosten Empire. And your father is none other than the Emperor himself."

"I know, mama so I won't ask more if you are uncomfortable with it and you just woke up t-"

"Athan..." Finally, saying his real name, I gave out a deep sigh.

Of all things, I acknowledge very well that I am a cowered but, I know that it will wholly disappear for the people I cherish.

Fl.i.c.k.i.n.g his head as lightly as I could to gain his attention, I laughed, "A child should not act like an a.d.u.l.t. So you can ask me all you-"

"THEN! Then..." Athan lowered his voice, fiddling with his fingers.

I wonder since, when did he start adapting my habit? It seems like his personality might be more like mine.

I hope only my good points at least. But I think I kind of forgotten all of my good points.

Shaking my head from the distracting thoughts, I saw my son, crying, and I embraced him as he whispered:

"Just now you said the Emperor is my father and that means you are mother and if that is true... how? Why? Don't tell me you are the Emperor's ex-wife, the Evil Empress because I heard all kinds of things about her when you were asleep. So please tell me you are not her, mama. I will be fine if you are not my real mother, or you might have been his side lover....."

As Athan kept on questioning me, the more I noticed his voice started to falter before me.

Should I laugh at what he said? Or cry? Cry that he knows too much already.

Nonetheless, all I could do is whisper back gently:

"You are right, Athan. I am the Evil Empress....."

At once, Athan pushed me, and his eyes widened so much as if it would pop any moment.

"That is why we can't leave Athan..." I continued to give him a huge smile to comfort him, but I guess it isn't working because all I could see is his tears racing all the way down to his face.

"NO! WE HAVE TO LEAVE!!! THIS JUST GIVES US MORE OF A REASON TO LEAVE! I DON'T CARE MAMA ON WHAT YOU DID IN THE PAST...I-i... I don't c-care at all... I-i j-just w-want t-to b-be with y-you..."

Then and there, I embraced yet again him, whispering against his ear, "Because I love you and I want you to be safe, I will tell you at least two things. Alright?"

Taking a deep breath, I continued, "So listen to mama thoroughly. Firstly, we cannot leave because your father and Catherine will know something if anyone uses their powers inside the palace. And I am sure your father will know it is me. "

Feeling my left wrist, I saw the old tattoo Amaranthos, and I made to promise on another as I further continued to tell my son. "Additionally, by the law, if you ever disappear, there will be an extensive search. Also, truth be told, I hoped you weren't the boy the prime minister found. That is why I did not prepare for a plan b which was quite stupid on my part. "

"Then how, does the Emperor know it is you?" Athan asked me, and I gave a small laugh, gazing at my left wrist.

Releasing my tight embrace of my son, I showed him my wrist.

"Can you see a mark on my wrist?" I asked him as he shook his head slowly, staring at my left wrist. "Well, of course, you wouldn't because your father and I made a connection with one another in the past."

"Huh?"

Smiling even wider at Athan through all the tears falling from my eyes.

Even though it looked like I was looking straight at him, I wasn't for all the tears made everything around me blurry. Still, I held my ground and laughed as I choked on my tears. "Hehe~ Well, we used our powers, Athan. He implanted some of his inside my wrist, and I did to his so it glows to indicate if we ever use our powers because when we do, it means the other one might be in trouble. Now, this leads me to the second one..."

P-please c-come out voice...

Please...

Suddenly I heard something within me, ripped open, causing my c.h.e.s.t to cry out loud in pain. Yet again despite the pain, I am feeling, I smiled.

The old scar opened, I see. Well, my own emotional and mental health does not matter anyway now.

"Mama," I heard my son called as he took the silence as an opportunity to ask something. "Wait... can you please tell me how you became the Evil Empress and why? I am sorry if this seemed-

I stared at my son but more, particularly his eyes. The rest of his words went in and out of my ears as I just stayed silent as he frantically explained.

"Pfft... you don't have to be so concerned. And I will answer those questions." Wiping the tears falling from my face, I gazed at my son's eyes. Eyes that are covered and masked under a mere illusion.

I don't want to do all of this truthfully. Yet who drove her to the brink of madness? It was me.

Still considering that Athan won't stand still, I spoke: "I-i will t-tell you at least one thing about that Athan. And that is... I became the Evil Empress to protect not only the entire kingdom but you and your father from my mistake."

"What is that mistake-"

Undoubtedly knowing that I have said too much, I recalled the very same words the Ex-Emperor told Amaranthos when the people were protesting.

Ahhh, right now, I can see more clearly what he had felt at that moment.

His heart must have been in so much pain.

He must have thought that he would just forever have days like this... Days filled with pain, Days filled with grief, Days filled with fake laughs; Days filled with neverending tears, Days filled with so much regret.

The Ex-Emperor's skin must have felt that it was inside out as it froze in the middle of winter. His sharp ears must have suddenly become deaf to all the things around him.

Lastly, his heart must have rugged his throat dry until he could only say one thing, and that is: "Sometimes it is better to not know the truth and live in a beautiful lie, Athan... So do you understand what I am trying to say, Athan?"

"... 𝘠-𝘺𝘦𝘴..."

"𝘕𝘰... 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘈𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢." Amaranthos cried silently from the other side of the door as he eavesdropped the entire conversation.

Now that he discovered that the person he loves yet hates so much is alive, how should he even act?

What should he do?

This is absurd! Laughable even!!!

And since when he had a son?

Even though millions of questions are in his mind, he could only say, "What's with this messed up world?"