Hessian Does A Thing

It was another normal day as Hessian casually napped on his bean bag while the T.V was left on for background noise. The young magician truly was taking his sweet time doing nothing as he lightly snored. Unfortunately for him this wouldn't last as he immediately popped out of existence.

"Wut?" the magus said as he groggily awoke from his slumber.

Hessian took a moment to look around, taking in the familiar scenery of an incredibly tacky room design.

"Oh great, this again." he sighed as he noticed Onyx wasn't responding.

"Onyx?"

"I've disabled him for the duration of our meeting." a voice sounded out near him

Hessian turned to look at the odd looking R.O.B that he met years ago. He guessed every conceivable reason for this meeting in his head. Finally deciding that it was ultimately going to be too much work, Hessian nodded to himself as he opened a way back towards his home to NOPE the f.u.c.k out of there.

"Not this time!" The R.O.B exclaimed as the exit disappeared without a trace.

"Well that was rude" the young magician commented

"Not as rude as it would have been to leave before hearing me out." the R.O.B said smugly as he foiled Hessian's escape

"Anyway, you of course know of Fate Grand/Order correct?" he asked getting back to business

"Ah, you want me to mess with that? Pretty sure Solomon could kick my a.s.s." Hessian said as he was familiar with the game

"Well Chaldea's gone" he dropped the bomb

"Wut?"

"It seems due to your abrupt entrance into your 2nd dimension, it caused waves which ended up having multiple small effects which lead to it's destruction." the R.O.B explained

Hessian took a moment to process the information. He guessed that the observatory of Chaldea just straight up got destroyed by the main villain instead of only taking out most of the staff.

"Woops" was all he said. What else could he say? It's not like he meant to cause it's destruction. Then again it was also partly the R.O.B's fault for bringing him here anyway.

"Woops indeed" R.O.B nodded "Well since you caused the mess, you need to fix it." Hessian sighed at the fact his vacation would be getting cut short but he nodded anyway.

"Fine but I'm doing it my way." he said as the R.O.B opened a portal for him allowing him to step through.

"Oh right, before I forget!" Hessian said as his head popped back out of the portal startling the R.O.B

"Can you help me deal with Alaya? I need to get back to my first timeline for a bit." Hessian remembered he needed to figure a way to get back to his first reality.

"Very well, but you have to deal with this Solomon first" It wouldn't take much for him to scare off Alaya

"Thanks!" the young magician yelled as he disappeared back into the portal

∞

"Yo, are you still alive there eggplant girl" She heard a voice call out

The last thing she remembered was an explosion and then pain. She didn't understand what transpired, it all happened so fast. Was she still alive?

"Fou!"

She felt a familiar sensation of l.i.c.k.i.n.g on her cheek.

"Maybe she's really dead. Kinda weird to die with your eyes open."

"Fou! Fou!" That's right Fou was here. Was she still at Chaldea?

"Alright, fine I'll heal her. Enough with the threats, you might just scare me to death." the voice said helplessly.

She felt a warm hand on her c.h.e.s.t. From that touch, a warm sensation spread throughout her body. It felt... nice. The hand started moving slowly around her c.h.e.s.t.... was she being fondled? If she remembered correctly, doctor Roman taught her that this would count as molestation.

"Ah, well nice to see you're still alive." She looked at the owner of the hand still fondling her c.h.e.s.t. His hair was raven black and he looked pretty average. The thing that stood out was his turquoise eyes on his calm face.

Immediately she felt her face heat up as she took in the fact that he was still fondling her.

*SMACK*

He was immediately sent flying from her instinctual slap.

"Eh?" she was startled by her incredible strength

"I DESERVED THAAATTT!" she could hear him yell as he was still flying through the air.

∞

"Master! Enemy is engaging." the demi-servant said as Hessian admired the enemy's fine figure

"Fou!" his musings was cut short by a fluffy kick to the face

"Gah! Oh right, no worries I got this." Hessian let Mash continue blocking the lancer medusa as he took a deep breath before howling "▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!"

The sound was distinctive and loud enough to stop the battle between the two girls as they turned to look at the young magician staring up into the air.

The sound of wind breaking exploded in the air as Hessian had an insane smile on his face. To his right, a hulking monstrosity of pure muscle broke the ground on landing startling the girls.

The ashen berserker turned his glowing red eyes towards Hessian.

"Hey Heracles! That bitch said ▅▅■■■■▅▅▂▂!about you." He said while pointing to the dumbstruck enemy lancer.

"Wait wha-"

"▅▅ーーー!!" she didn't get to finish as the berserk hero flew at the speed of sound at the unfortunate servant.

"Come on mash, let's get going" Hessian called out to the demi-servant while casually walking away

It took her a moment to snap out of it and ran after her new master.

on top of a building a few blocks over, a certain blue caster was stupefied as he stared at the events that just transpired.

∞

"PREPARE YOURSELF SALTER!" Hessian yelled as he pointed his finger at the enemy alter "FOR THIS IS MY ULTIMATE ATTACK!" the young magician raised his hands to the air.

The black armored saber looked to the sky noticing the sky darkening. Her eyes widened as she took in the sight of the mile wide bun in the sky.

"THIS IS A NOBLE PHANTASM! THE FIFTY THOUSAND POUND CHEESE BURGER!" The cheese burger looked exactly like your average burger. Except that it was impossibly large

"THIS IS THE CRYSTALLIZATION OF GENERATIONS OF OBESITY AND HEALTH PROBLEMS!" Hessian roared as he allowed the giant cheeseburger to drop onto them

"MASTER GET DOWN!" Mash cried out as the insanity of the moment forced her to use her noble phantasm out of desperation at the falling burger.

miles away, the battle of the blue caster and tanned archer subsided as they took in the sight of the over sized burger crushing the mountain.

"That can't be healthy" Emiya sighed as he thought of the possibility of saber devouring the whole thing

"Ay, the amount of flames needed to cook the meat all the way would be too much." Even caster Cu wouldn't be able to cook that much meat in a short amount of time.

The two slowly disappeared as the singularity came to an end.

Salter died due to health issues as she tried to consume the fifty thousand pound burger.

∞

"Senpai, how are you planning on summoning?" the eggplant girl asked as she watched Hessian read a manual with a burger in his mouth.

"Mmmph mmm mmmph" due to the burger in his mouth, it all came out as mumbles

"Please chew your food first."

"Mmm mmm" he waved his hand as he threw down some saint quartz

The shield lit up as the two waited for the summoning to complete. Oddly enough there was some background music during the whole process. The light exploded into a white pillar forcing them to shield their eyes.

Immediately Hessian noticed a familiar saber alter bite down on the other end of his burger. The two narrowed their eyes as they didn't give up on the beef. They both attempted to assert their dominance through taking aggressive bites towards the center until their two lips met.

And that was how Hessian ended up banging the tyrant version of the king of knights.