Hoshi wo Taguru

Three days after Subaru’s fever had completely gone down, he decided to go to Tokizawa’s bar. Not to help out, but as a customer.

Subaru, showing an innocent expression, saw Tokizawa off. Then shortly afterwards left the house himself. He did some shopping to kill some time before heading to the bar.

Subaru didn’t tell Tokizawa that he was coming in advance, so when the door to the bar opened a bit after eight, Tokizawa was momentarily at a loss of words. However, unlike the first day, it was not a look of complete astonishment. Tokizawa quickly returned to a more neutral expression before greeting Subaru.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming.” Tokizawa said.

“I didn’t tell you on purpose.” Subaru replied with a smirk as he sat down on the furthest stool.

There were no other customers around, so it was just Tokizawa skillfully wiping the glasses.

“Jeez…So what will you have to drink?” Tokizawa asked.
“Hmm, I don’t want something with alcohol.”

“I can make non alcoholic beverages too.”

“Then I’ll have some orange juice.” Subaru finally decided.

“That’s rare. Wait just a moment.” Tokizawa said as he took out a small white plate and put some pistachios on it. 

Subaru opened up the wet towel in front of him. The wet towel felt nice and hot on his cold stinging fingers.

“You know sometimes, there are some pistachios that don’t really have that gap, so they’re really difficult to open.” Subaru said as he tried to pry open a pistachio shell.

“Yeah.” Tokizawa replied, looking through the refrigerator by his feet.

“Clams and mussels too. Sometimes they won’t open even when you put them in hot water. It’s kinda disappointing. It’s not quite like a loss, but maybe more like disappointment or maybe even frustration.”

“If they won’t open though, it really can’t be helped.”

“Oh? Like beans and shells?”

“Yeah.” Tokizawa nodded as he stood up with a big jar of orange juice that he’d never seen before. Additionally, there were also canned mandarin oranges in his hands. Tokziawa took out an old blender and poured the orange juice and the canned mandarin oranges and added some sugar in the blender and pressed the switch. Subaru recoiled a bit at the loud sound coming from the blender and was unable to continue the conversation.

“Sorry it’s so loud.” Tokizawa’s apology was also drowned out by the noise coming from the blender. Subaru didn’t say anything and just shook his head. Even after the noise stopped, the sound seemed to linger in Subaru’s ears.

Tokizawa filled the glass with ice and filled it to the brim with the contents of the blender. He added a mint leaf for decoration and then handed it to Subaru.

“Here you are.”

“This isn’t normal orange juice.”

“…I wonder if I shouldn’t have added anything extra. If you don’t like it, I’ll make a new one for you.”

“No, it’s okay I’ll drink it.” Subaru shook his head hurriedly. 

He picked up the glass and took a drink and gulped it down. There was a bit of mandarin orange pulp left. It had a very thick texture.

“How is it?”
“It’s freaking delicious.”

Subaru realized they also had this exchange on the first day they saw each other. However, this time, instead of being nervous, Tokizawa was so much more relaxed and open.

“I’m glad. My mom used to make it for me a long time ago.”

“This?” Subaru asked as he lifted the glass.

Tokizawa looked a bit embarrassed but he smiled and nodded.

“Well actually, it’s not on the menu. It’s special just for you.”

“That again.” Subaru laughed as he lifted the glass back to his mouth.

Special. Subaru knew the weight of the word that Tokizawa said so frivolously.

“In high school, there was a vending machine that had really pulpy orange juice. I really liked it, but this is way more delicious than that.”

“Ah, yeah you did drink it a lot.” Tokizawa nodded as if it was obvious even though Subaru had just remembered it. 

He shouldn’t have been surprised, but even after all this time Subaru still felt somewhat amazed.

“You were watching.”
“Yes, I was.” Tokizawa easily replied.

Subaru was once again amazed at how casually Tokizawa just acknowledged it, that he just remained silent and started fiddling with the glass.

Subaru looked at the bag he put on the stool next to him and suddenly remembered.

“Ah by the way, this is for you.” Subaru said.

It was something he bought before coming here. Subaru handed Tokizawa a white paper bag with a pearl sheen on it. Tokizawa leaned his head in bewilderment. Subaru got a bit impatient when it seemed like Tokizawa wouldn’t take it, so he stood up and shoved it towards Tokizawa’s chest.

“Huh?” Tokizawa said, still confused.

“It’s for you. If it has some use to you then please use it…”
“For me?”

“There’s no one else here.” Subaru replied sharply.

Subaru ended up having a more curt attitude than intended because he didn’t want to show his embarrassment.

“Ah, thank you…Can I…open it now?” Tokizawa asked in a slightly shaky voice. 

Subaru turned his face away and gave a small nod.

Actually, Subaru decided to go out with the intention to buy something for Tokizawa, however Subaru ended up walking around the department store countless times only to get lost in the unfamiliar floors. Subaru ended up buying something randomly at the drugstore on the way to the bar. Subaru felt embarrassed for buying something arbitrarily at a drugstore, and now his embarrassment had returned.

The paper crinkled slightly as Tokizawa carefully opened it and pulled it out.

“Hand cream?” Tokizawa muttered in a voice like falling rain.

“Because your fingertips look a bit rough.”

“Ah… I’m so sorry!” Tokizawa apologized.

‘“What?”

Subaru did not expect such a reaction and he quickly turned back. Upon doing so, Tokizawa looked embarrassed and was fiddling his fingers.

“Why are you apologizing?” Subaru asked

“I did something that you hated didn’t I…It’s when I touched your forehead, right? I’m really sorry. I’m so careless.”

“You really worry about the strangest things,” Subaru said with a sigh.

Tokizawa, who was gradually looking smaller and smaller, hung his head down.

No. I wasn’t trying to criticize you.

Subaru’s frustration and irritation threatened to bubble over and come out.

Why won’t he get it?

As Subaru thought that, he realized that it was because he was too much of a coward to express his feelings directly and he wanted Tokizawa to figure it out.

Tokizawa on the other hand was always expressing his feelings directly.

Subaru decided that he had to say it no matter what. This time he opened his mouth with resolve.

“…I never said I hated it. I just thought that because you work a lot with water, it wouldn’t be strange if they were roughed up. It just means that you’re working hard. In fact—”

In fact, at that time, I actually—

“Good evening!” A voice suddenly called out.

Almost as if an attempt to obstruct Subaru’s words, the door opened and the bell on the door rang. As the bell continued to ring, there was also a very familiar and cheerful voice.

It was Natsuko, and in a rare sight, she had come along with another person.

“Oh dear, is it possible that I come in at a bad time?” Natsuko quickly deduced from their lack of response to their entrance.

The man who had been silent this whole time suddenly spoke up. “Hey, let’s go to a different place.”

Even though Natsuko was tall, the man with her was clearly bigger than her.

“No, it’s okay.” Subaru tried to hurriedly stop her, “You just surprised us. We didn’t hear any footsteps earlier. You can sit down next to me if you’d like.”

“Really? You weren’t having a serious conversation, were you? Is it really okay?” Natsuko asked.

“Of course it’s okay.” Subaru reassured.

Natsuko kept looking back and forth between Tokizawa’s and Subaru’s face with a worried expression. Tokizawa smiled and nodded.

“Okay… I’ll take you up on your offer then.” 

“Alright.”

Natsuko took a seat next to Subaru and the man she brought along sat down next to her in silence. It seemed that no matter if he was sitting or standing, he was a big man. Despite his sharp eyes, he didn’t look much like the stoic type. In complete opposition to the cheerful Natusko, he had an intimidating air. Despite having been serious and silent the whole time, once Tokizawa said “It’s been a while,” his face immediately broke into a smile.

“Long time no see. Do you have the thing from before?”

“We do. It’s leftover from before though.”

“It’s fine. It’s not something that goes bad, right.”

Based on their cheerful conversation, it was very obvious that it was a customer that he was well acquainted with.

“Subaru-Kun, you caught a cold right? Are you better now?” Natsuko asked.
“I had a fever on the first day but now it’s all better. Did you hear about it from Tokizawa?”

“Yes! Jeez, A-Kun was so restless and fidgety the whole time. His whole aura screamed that he wanted to leave as soon as possible. There were still customers around too. So ruddee.”

“…I’m sorry.” Subaru apologized without thinking. 

That idiot, Subaru side eye hard at Tokizawa’s direction, but Tokizawa was completely absorbed in his conversation with the other man that he didn’t notice.

“It’s not something you have to apologize for. You had a snowball fight right? Sounds like fun, albeit a bit unexpected.” Natsuko said.
“Unexpected?” Subaru questioned.

“Yeah, you look like the calm type so I was surprised when I found out that you want to do those kinds of things.”
“I really wanted to go sledding then, but we didn’t have any sleds.”

“Oh my gosh, you’re like a child! That’s so cute!” Natsuko laughed aloud like she was having fun.

She pointed at the glass that Subaru was drinking from.

“What’s that?” Natsuko asked.

“Uh, orange juice… I think.”

“It looks good. I want the same one, A-Kun.”

“I’m sorry. We ran out of ingredients. I can, however, serve you regular orange juice.” Tokizawa said.

“I’ll take that then.”

Tokizawa nodded and went to prepare the drink. Subaru vaguely watched the exchange but quickly realized that Tokizawa had lied. There was still some canned mandarin orange left and of course there was still sugar. Subaru wasn’t dumb enough to not know why Tokizawa didn’t make the drink for Natsuko as well.

Simply put, it was because Subaru was special.

Subaru’s glass only had some melted ice left but he knew that as long as Natsuko and the other man were here, he would not make another one.

Subaru wanted to treasure the rest of the drink so he went to take a sip when he felt stares on him. He saw Natsuko and the other man exchanging glances. Their eyes crinkled in laughter. Not breaking his gaze, the man took something from the small plate in front of it.

“It’s rock candy.” The man said while picking up a rock candy and holding it up, as if seeing through Subaru’s question.

“Oh I see.” Subaru replied simply.

From the half transparent glass, the sparkling ice-like rock candy that appeared almost like crystals were eaten by that man’s mouth.

“Yea I get them served specially for me.” He continued.

Special.

Subaru felt himself lingering on that word. Without any emotion betraying his face he simply laughed and said, “I see you have a sweet tooth.”

“Not really. But when I drink, I start craving sweets.”

“I see people like that exist as well. I generally start craving spicy salty foods.”

“Subaru-Kun, are you not afraid of this man?” Natsuko inquired rather timidly.

“Huh?” Subaru tilted his head in confusion.

The man replied bitterly, “Don’t say something like that.”

“He’s big isn’t he? He’s always glaring, right? People always decide to stay away once they see him because he looks scary. He’ll only talk to people he’s used to.”

“Oh really?” Subaru said.
Even though it was just explained to him, Subaru still didn’t quite understand. Subaru started to examine the man’s face. The man blinked several times and finally gave a troubled laugh.

“Don’t look at me that much.” The man said.

“Ah, sorry.” Subaru quickly apologized and averted his gaze.

Tokizawa had finished preparing Natsuko’s drink.

“Subaru won’t judge people based on their appearance.” Tokizawa muttered as he quietly wiped a glass.

“Are you two dating?” The man asked with a mysterious expression.

“No.” Subaru replied after he realized Tokizawa wasn’t going to respond.

The man’s expression brightened.

“Really? Alright then, so is it okay if I fall in love with you?”

“Excuse me?” Subaru responded almost instantly and  involuntarily made a bewildered face. Subaru was stunned into silence by what the man said. 

This time, Tokizawa answered in his stead.

“If you’re going to decide to fall in love with a person based on whether or not you’re dating, then no.”

“Why? Is it dishonest of me to want to gamble on it if there’s a chance?” The man questioned.

“I’m not saying it’s dishonest, just that I don’t think you’re being serious.”

“Woah, you’re so serious.” The man laughed as he continued to chew on the rock candy. He took the cup of brandy and drank it in one gulp. When the light brown liquid was gone and only the ice was left, he asked for a refill with a smile.

Tokizawa ignored what he said and began to silently prepare a new drink. He narrowed his eyes and looked at Subaru. When he smiled, his eyes resembled the arc on a crescent moon.

“If you have someone you’re dating then you want to be happy with that person. Since they’re the person that fell in love with you.”

“So complicated.” The man smiled wryly and dropped his gaze towards the counter. He laughed rather strangely.

“I was only half making a pass on you.” The man said.

“Half?”
“Yeah. I mean if some man was seriously trying to hit on you and telling you he liked you, wouldn’t that put anyone off? I was joking at first and thought I would just take it easy－”

“That’s enough already.” Natsuko leaned forward in between Subaru and the man in an attempt to interrupt them.

Natsuko slammed down her cup of juice that she had been drinking from silently up until now and glared at the man.

“This isn’t something to poke fun at.” Natsuko said seriously.

“I’m not.”

“A-Kun, I’m sorry you just made that drink, but these two will be enough for us. You can give it to Subaru.”

“Hey! Don’t just decide this on your own.” The man said.

“Just be quiet already!”

Completely ignoring the man’s complaints, Natsuko forcibly grabbed the man’s arms and pulled him out of the bar. She took out a few notes from her wallet and put them on the counter.

“I’m sorry that we ruined the mood. A-Kun, don’t make that face.” Natsuko said softly towards Tokizawa.

This time she faced Subaru and smiled.

“Next time, let’s have a drink together.”

“Of course.”

“Don’t push yourself too hard just because you’ve gotten better.” Natsuko said with a motherly tone.

“Thank you.”

“Well, I’ll see you around.”

Natsuko, still tightly gripping the man’s arm, proceeded to leave the bar, but Tokizawa went after them.
“Natsuko-San, your change.”

“Keep it. Use it to pay for Subaru-Kun’s drinks as well. As an apology for having this man saying unnecessary things and troubling you.”
“Oh, no no. It’s okay.”

“Just accept it.” Natsuko firmly shook her head.

“She’s offering so why don’t you just accept it.” The man said leisurely as he had his arm pulled.

“Alright then. I’ll accept your offer.” Subaru bowed his head.

“Great. I’ll see you around Subaru-Kun. I’ll stop by again, A-Kun.”

“I’ll come by too.” The man said.

“Thank you very much.” Tokizawa replied back formally as the two left the bar and disappeared.

As the sound of high heels steadily got farther and farther away, Subaru involuntarily let out a sigh.

“Was that Natsuko’s boyfriend?” Subaru finally asked.

“What, no. No way. Don’t let Natsuko-San hear you say that. She’ll get really angry, I’m sure. Besides, Natsuko has someone she likes.” Tokizawa’s eyes moved around the room and he shook his head.

It looked as if Tokizawa was trying to tell Subaru to never say something that terrifying again. Subaru laughed at the thought.

“Ah I see. I’m glad I didn’t say anything.” Subaru sighed in relief.

“She mentioned a while back that they met through work.”

“Oh, what kind of job does she do?”
Subaru could not imagine what she worked as solely based on appearance.

“I’m not too sure but it seems like it’s something to do with publishing.” Tokizawa said.

“Oh, interesting. Next time I see her I’ll have to ask her about it. Oh by the way, what happened to that brandy?”

“I haven’t poured it yet…If you want to have some, I can pour you a glass.”

“Don’t worry about. Instead I want to drink more of that juice.”

“You got it. I’ll make some right away.” Tokizawa said with no hesitation.

So then why did Tokizawa not make it for Natsuko-San earlier. There was no point in asking him about it because Subaru already knew the answer.

Tokizawa put everything in the blender, same as before. Right before turning on the switch, he muttered with a very lonely look on his face.

“Subaru, you’re so kind to everyone.”

The sound of the blender cut out part of the sentence, but his voice still reached Subaru’s ears.

“Hm? What did you say?”

“Just that it’s amazing how you can get along with everyone.” Tokizawa said unconsciously furrowing his brows with a somber expression on his face. 

Subaru noticed that Tokizawa’s expression and realized his words was not what he meant.

“Don’t you get tired of always thinking things like that?” Subaru questioned.

“I do. Very much so. I’m happy that you’re here, but I also half hate it when you talk to other people. I didn’t really think about these kinds of things before you came here so it’s honestly really tiring.”

It looked like Tokizawa had no intention of turning off the blender. The noise was so loud, it felt like the blender might shatter. The blades meanwhile continued to pulverize the mandarin orange. Among all the noise, Tokizawa’s quiet voice mysteriously still continued to reach Subaru’s ears.

“Do you really like me that much?” Subaru asked.

The neverending sound of the blender stopped just as Subaru asked that question. Even though Subaru’s voice was quiet, it looked like Tokizawa heard what he said.

Tokizawa slowly looked up and looked Subaru square in the face and started to speak.

“Yes, very much so.” 

The way it came out sounded almost childish, Subaru wondered about the hidden depths of his words.

“Why?”

“Why what?”
“Why do you like me that much?” Subaru asked.

WIthout breaking eye contact, Tokizawa tilted his head with a rather confused expression. Almost as if wondering why he was being asked that.

“What’s so good about me? Why is it me?” Subaru pressed on.

Subaru always thought it was weird. Why did Tokizawa fall in love with him? Just what drew Tokizawa to him, who was generally so indifferent about things around him, yet he noticed Tokizawa’s ardour for him. Why was it that for the past ten years, Tokizawa’s feelings for Subaru had persisted.

“Why, you say…” Tokizawa tilted his head in confusion over the sudden question.

Upon seeing Tokizawa’s reaction, Subaru was about to say See, you don’t even know why. But before he could say it, Tokizawa made a contented expression.

Why are you smiling? Subaru, a bit angry, was about to ask. But as the words were about to leave his mouth, Tokizawa started to speak.

“At first,” Tokizawa muttered as he poured the contents of the blender into a glass, not looking at his hands at all. A sign of just how long he’s been doing it to the point that this body remembers. 

His light verdigris eyes were brimming with ardour at Subaru.

“At first, it was because you spoke to me normally. You were the only one who did that. You initiated conversation and you just spoke to me normally.”

“Seriously?” Subaru spoke in a low voice, disappointed by the words that had been spoken with such importance.

“Only because of that? Is that the only reason? Anyone could have been like that, not just me.” Subaru’s voice came out sharper than even he expected. 

Subaru wanted Tokizawa to ask him why he was angry, why he was irritated, and what he should have said instead, but Tokizawa didn’t seem to realize that.

In contrast to Subaru’s angry expression, Tokizawa calmly shook his head.

That only succeeded in fueling Subaru’s anger.

“No. Actually even from before then, I thought you were amazing. During the new student representative speech, you got on that stage so confidently. When you read your speech, you never once looked at your paper. You were always looking straight ahead. I was probably imagining it, but I felt like we made eye contact and you didn’t look away.”

Tokizawa wasn’t imagining it. During that time, Subaru was looking at Tokizawa. He was captivated.

“I was surprised when you entered the classroom and that your seat was in front of mine. I was really happy that you spoke to me. So it couldn’t have been any other person. It was because it was you that I was happy.

Tokizawa narrowed his eyes as if remembering that time.

The glass shook a bit as Tokizawa poured the contents inside. He placed a mint leaf on the top and handed it to Subaru.

Subaru took the drink that was specially made for him and kept his mouth shut. Even though it was the same delicious drink, this time it was inexplicably tasteless.

“So then why did you fall for me? I never did anything special.” Subaru continued to ask.

“That’s exactly why. It’s because you always acted normally. You probably think that’s normal. But for me, it was extremely special. I’m sure you know, but I didn’t have any friends… I never thought about wanting them, and after a while people always keep me at arms length anyway…”

Tokizawa was indeed always alone. Everyone always said he was hard to approach therefore he was always isolated. Subaru was the only one who could get close.

“But you were the only one who ever spoke to me normally. And for me that was the most special.”

“Even after listening to that, I still feel unsatisfied.” Subaru spit out in a half exasperated tone.

“That’s not all though.” Tokizawa unexpectedly continued.

Tokizawa sure is talkative today, Subaru thought and didn’t say anymore.

“Subaru, do you remember when you complimented my eyes and told me they were pretty. Just like stars?”
“…Yeah.”

Obviously Subaru remembered that. Just how beautiful Tokizawa’s eyes looked the first time he peered into them. At that time, Subaru was captivated by his eyes, which were so translucent that he seemed to be sucked into them.

“It wasn’t the first time someone’s complimented them, but that was the only time it’s made me really happy. I was complimented by a person who I thought was amazing for being up on that stage and giving a speech so readily…At that time, it really was just admiration. I just wanted to be friends. I was just happy every time you talked to me, and that was enough for me…”

Almost like magic, Tokizawa put away the blender in the blink of an eye and started to wipe the counter. This was the first time he’s seen Tokizawa this lively, putting words together without any trace of hesitation.

“If I didn’t know you liked the stars, then maybe we could still have been just friends.”

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” Subaru unintentionally interjected.

Tokizawa simply laughed and replied, “Makes sense.”

“You know, I’ve always hated myself. I hated being different from others. My looks, my family, I hated standing out. Of course, I’m also like this… But you liked the part I hated about myself. You said they were pretty, like the stars. When I found out that you were comparing what you liked the most to the part I hated most about myself, I was so happy that it felt like my whole body went numb. If it wasn’t you, then I’m sure I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. Being talked to, being complimented, it wouldn’t have been the same if it wasn’t you. It was because it was you, that it was happy.”

Even under the indirect lighting of this small bar, Subaru’s could see Tokizawa’s eyes sparkling. Just like outer space, just like Subaru’s beloved stars. Subaru felt his breath catch just by being under that straightforward gaze. It was almost hard to breathe. Subaru felt intense dislike at just how this person could stare so unwaveringly at him. Tokizawa hadn’t the slightest clue how Subaru was feeling.

“If I were to list everything that I liked about you, then there would be no end to it…but that’s how it started. It’s weird, isn’t it.”
“…Yes.”

“Yeah you’re right. Sorry.” 

And of course it goes back to this. Just when Tokizawa was actually making direct eye contact and speaking so fluidly, he suddenly goes back to being timid.
“Don’t apologize.” Subaru firmly scolded him. Upon realizing that Tokizawa had returned back to normal, Subaru’s breathing became easier.

“I get that is what started it all and it’s really important to you. What I don’t get is why it’s persisted until now.”

“I guess it’s hard for you to see why.” Tokizawa said.

“It’s way too likely that you just think too highly of me. I’m not really anything special.”

In the midst of all talking and eating pistachios, the small plate was silently replenished.

Dissatisfied with Subaru’s bitter smile, Tokizawa countered with “That’s not true at all. You were always being commended for something. And each time, you were never nervous but you were also never arrogant about it either. I always thought that part of you was really cool. And the fact that you could get along with everyone. You were like that back in high school and that part of you hasn’t changed even now.”
“That’s not amazing or anything.” Subaru tried to protest.

“Yes it is. And there’s more. I also thought it was amazing how if you ever disagreed with another person’s opinion, you’d discuss until you could come to an agreement, and if the other person’s statement was correct, you’d properly acknowledge it. You have your own opinions, but you’re not stubborn. I could tell you were always upfront. Oh yeah, and you always had really good posture. I really liked watching you from the seat behind you. Oh, and the way you eat is also really elegant. No matter what you were eating or drinking, it was never sloppy.” Tokizawa spoke delightedly one after another in a clear manner.

His usual clumsiness seems almost like a lie. Subaru couldn’t help but think about the idiom like a fish that has finally found water. Subaru was so dumbfounded that he forgot that he was in a bad mood.

“Ah, but what I like the most is your voice and-”

‘Okay, okay. Stop.” It looked like Tokizawa would continue forever so Subaru forcefully interrupted him.

“But I’m not done yet…” Tokizawa refuted Subaru with a rare display of discontent.”

“You think too highly of me. I’m really not that great of a person. I feel like I actually have a bad personality. And I’m pretty selfish. I don’t think I’m a nice person.” Subaru said.
“I think it’s just that you don’t realize how kind you are. You don’t force anyone and you never say anything unnecessary. I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s been saved by your kindness.” Tokizawa stubbornly insisted.

Subaru sighed. He figured that whatever he said would only fall on deaf ears.

“…Wow. Even if I asked my parents and ex-girlfriends to tell me my good traits, they probably wouldn’t come up with what you just said.”

At best they might say something innocuous such as “Oh you’re smart,” or “You’re nice.”

“I wonder about that. Maybe you might think that but I think everyone feels the same.” Tokizawa replied in a curious manner.

Subaru looked at him and wondered where he gets this confidence from.

Even though from Subaru’s point of view, Tokizawa was a hundred times cooler than him, yet lacked confidence in himself. Despite that, he was so confident in Subaru’s coolness.

“You’re the one that is amazing…” Subaru declared weakly.

Tokizawa shook his head and flatly said. “I’m no good at all. The only thing I can brag about is how in the whole universe, I like you the most.” Tokizawa said. His eyes unwaveringly looking at Subaru.

Subaru wondered just how much of an idiot Tokizawa was.

However, it was most likely the truth.

Up until now, and maybe even further in the future, there would probably never be another person that would love him the way Tokizawa did.

Even if he searched the whole world, or even outer space, there would be no one.

Subaru silently stared at Tokizawa, who in turn looked away for a second, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. However he looked back towards Subaru and continued to speak quietly.

“I still remember when you told me that it takes about 400 light years from here to reach Pleiades. You looked like you were enjoying yourself so much at that time… I still can’t believe that the person who I felt was even further than 400 light years away, is standing right in front of me.” Tokizawa looked at Subaru who remained silent. 

Tokizawa’s unparalleled face broke into a beautiful smile.

Subaru felt dizzy from seeing that frightfully beautiful smile.

“If you want to hear about the things I like about you, then I have a ton. From big things to small things,” Tokizawa lowered his eyelashes a bit despite proudly saying that, “But you know, I also wonder just how I came to like you this much. It’s almost like I couldn’t resist. Like I was being pulled by some tremendously strong gravitational pull. And even after 10 years, it’s never got weaker.”

All the girls that Subaru had ever dated all told him that they liked him. However, none of them every came close to Tokizawa’s feelings.

Subaru didn’t know how to accept or deflect such single minded affection, yet he couldn’t reject it either.

“Since the day we graduated, there hasn’t been a single day that I forgot about you. I loved you then and I’ll continue to love you forever. I don’t think I’ll ever like another person besides you.” Tokizawa continued to talk.

“Don’t say that… It’s scary. Why me? I’m not anything special. You’re a million times more amazing. You can do way more than me, and your looks… you may have some sort of complex about it, but you know what they say, if there’s a hundred people then there’s a hundred beautiful people. No matter how you look at it, you’re the amazing one.” Subaru looked away from the gaze fixed on him.

“I can’t imagine liking that person like how I feel with you. It’s weird, isn’t it. I don’t understand how I could have grown so attached like this. It’s not normal…” 

Subaru looked down. He placed his interlaced fingers on his forehead. He could hear his heart beating very loudly.

Outside was cold enough to freeze things, yet the tips of Subaru’s fingers and ears felt very hot.

“Yeah. I’m not normal. I’m sorry. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this kind of thing.” Tokizawa readily affirmed. He began playing with the bottles on the shelves as if to console the idleness of the situation.

Subaru looked up at the sounds of glass knocking into one another.

“You’re such an idiot.” Subaru quietly muttered.

Tokizawa made a troubled smile and nodded. He looked a little sad.

“Oh yeah, what was it that you were going to say earlier?” Tokizawa said, changing the subject.

“Earlier?”
“Before Natsuko came. You were about to say something. What were you going to say after the ‘in fact’?

“…Ah. I forgot.”

“Oh. Well if you remember, then let me know.”

“Sure.”

Subaru hadn’t forgotten. However they were words that were going to be said in the heat of the moment, and now Subaru no longer wanted say them out loud.

In fact, I like seeing your rough hands.

Not too long after, an unknown customer arrived and Subaru decided to go home.

Natsuko left after paying for Subaru’s drinks, Subaru didn’t even know her contact information so he could thank her. He figured that she would eventually show up at the bar again so for the time being he asked Tokizawa to thank her for him.

Subaru took a shower and got ready to go to sleep. However, sleep eluded him. He kept tossing and turning ruminating about the conversation they had in the bar. 

The words that Tokizawa said. What he liked about Subaru, the intensity of how much he liked him, all those things played over and over until Subaru could hear even the tone in which Tokizawa spoke those words within his chest.

Tokizawa said that he had never once forgotten about him.

Subaru also thought about Tokizawa every now and then.

When he was having a hard time at work, when he felt particularly tired from his girlfriend, when he felt down or sad, when something bad happened, he would always think about Tokizawa.

I wonder what he’s doing now. Subaru would wonder.

When Subaru was in high school, he felt Tokizawa was a little different from his other friends. He considered him to be a special friend.

Every time Subaru would think of Tokizawa, the next day he felt like he was ready to keep going.

Subaru would try to cheer himself up by thinking that Tokizawa would be disappointed if he saw him like that.

And then, Subaru would once again immerse himself in work and forget about Tokizawa.

All the while Subaru was spending his days normally, Tokizawa was in this city, in that bar always thinking about Subaru, waiting for the day to come when he would see him again.

From the last day they saw each other.