I Don't Love You

As sunlight enters raindrops and emerges as rainbows, so love enters the soul of each person and emerges as our passions in the arts, in science, in nature... in whatever sparks our curiosity and drive. It is how we find our truth and purpose. It is how we give of ourselves to others.

Love is what makes us who we are, it is the energy that brings us to life. I lie awake on the big bed; I've been awake for quite a while now but I'm scared to move. I know my body is aching with every breathe I took but did I regret what I did last night? No, not at all. I finally know and felt Jungkook's passion and d.e.s.i.r.e for me; I feel like that's all I need.

I slowly push myself up, groaning with every movement until Jungkook walks into the bed with a tray of breakfast like a scene from a movie. My jaw hung slackly as if this is was an awesome dream, well I hope it's not because this does not happen often.

Jungkook run his hands through his hair, quite aware that his attractiveness was enhanced by his more rugged qualities while I just stare with my heart pounding. "Good Morning, why are you looking at me like that? Do you really love me that much?" When he winked, I felt lightheaded, ready to faint. I cover my c.h.e.s.t with a realisation that I am n.a.k.e.d, "Don't cover yourself, I've already seen everything" Jungkook smirks as he helps me wear his oversized T-shirt.

"Yum Jungkook, this is so tasty" I m.o.a.n tasting the food on my plate. "Don't" Jungkook says seriously, I look over at him with a puzzled look on my face, "Don't m.o.a.n like that baby." He moves closer to me, "Your m.o.a.ns are turning me on." Hearing his comment, I blush hard as he smirks, seeing his effect on me.

What is happening to me? Why am I feeling all the butterflies in my stomach? Jungkook holds my wrist softly, "Did I really do this?". My wrist was purple and swollen, "It's okay. It'll heal" I quietly confirm but he was in range, his eyes widen with the shock of what he did to me.

"It's fine, really. Baby-", "Baby, get up" Jungkook cuts me off with a big sigh. Jungkook picks up the tray and place it on the table next to the bed, he stands a few distances away from me. I pull myself off the bed, biting my lips so I wouldn't groan in pain but that didn't help as I slump back down because I was too weak.

"Does this look okay to you?" Jungkook stares deep in my eyes, "You won't be able to walk for a couple of days and that's okay for you?" his voice was now a little louder which my body quickly reacts to, tensing in fear. "Jungkook, I'm fine… really. Don't worry." I force a smile. Next thing I know, I was being flung in the air as Jungkook carries in bridal style to the bathroom, "Here, take a long bath" he whispers as he takes off his shirt on me.

"F.u.c.k baby…. Why didn't you stop me? Look at you…." Tears were clearly visible in Jungkook's eyes but he manages to hide it from me, I know I'm in pain but it's okay. It's okay if it means Jungkook will stay with me, if it means he'll touch me and love me. That morning, Jungkook carried me to the living room, made me any food I asked for and watched movies with me.

We cuddled all day. I've never felt so happy in my life, he is finally mine. I don't want anything to change anymore, I want to hug him and kiss him all I want. I want to have kids and grow old with him. But the fear that still lingered inside my heart came like the dark clouds; clouding us… again. Maybe, I was asking for too much? He dramatically changed again after a few days, wearing his gloves. He didn't even kiss me goodbye before he left for work. We didn't cuddle that night either.

I am starting to ask myself if he really is bipolar or something. It is a cold Friday night, I was cleaning Jungkook's office and when I saw his suit, I smile softly to myself as I slowly bringing it close to my face. I take a deep breath in and out as his cologne rushes through my nose but this time, his cologne smelt different. This cannot be Jungkook's.

I was deep in thought until I heard a soft 'Bing' coming from his tray. Being the curious me, I open the tray to see a Jungkook's phone with a heart shape beside a name. 'Lisa' My heart sinks in my stomach, I was confused but what I just saw explains everything at the same time. No… this can't be. He loved me; I know it. He showed it to me with his warmth, facial expression, his kiss and passion for me. If so, what is this then?

I heard the door swinging open and at that moment, my tears were already staining my cheeks with puffy eyes and block nose. Jungkook said something but my brain couldn't make out what it was, I don't like this Jungkook in front of me. I want the other one; the soft and sweet Jungkook from a few days ago.

What happened? Where did he go? I am already a crying mess in front of him, "This is all you wanted? To take my v.i.r.g.i.n.i.t.y and leave me for her?" tears were streaming down my face and Jungkook's facial softens immediately pulling me into his warm embrace. I was confused again. What the f.u.c.k is with this man?! Next minutes, he doesn't even touch me and then all of a sudden, a hug? A hug?! He was too scared to even hold my hands!

I gathered my strength to push him away, "Don't touch me! You monster! You never loved me." With that, I manage to get out of the room as fast as I could and lock myself in our room. Jungkook didn't even came to comfort me that night and that's when I decided that my love for him a waste and to not love him anymore.

It felt as if I cried every day and every hour, hugging my legs close to my c.h.e.s.t and staying in the same exact place for weeks not moving or eating at all. I watched as the sun went up and the moon came up the same over and over. My mouth felt dry along my throat and I feel so weak. Jungkook didn't come knocking on my door or anything, maybe I should just die like this? I mean, he wouldn't even know because he'll be with that Lisa girl.

A few days later~

So… There goes my lovesick session. It's finally over and I want to be a new person. I became really skinny after that day, I guess pain really is the consequences of love. Well… I won't be wasting time loving that cruel man anymore. He doesn't deserve my love and I wish I don't see him anymore but sadly; I have to. Tonight, we have a party that we have to attend together since we are married after all. I'll have to stick with him, even if I hate him from the bottom of my heart because that's the reality of a force marriage.