I Don't Trust My Twin Sister

“This pendant isn’t mine, and it’s not something I should have. The people who should remember these two are your grandfather, Viscount Ajstain and Miss Lawrence. So I’ll return it.”

My gaze went down at the sound of the chinking pendant. Duke Safeldrick’s hands gently wrapped around mine.

“Thank you. For supporting Viscount Ajstain and growing like this. Viscount Ajstain is more than a teacher to me. I am also quite satisfied as your guardian.”

“Guardian?”

The Duke laughed without saying anything. With a puzzled look, he glanced at the carriage.

“It’s too late, go back now. Regarding the matters related to the contract we shared today, I will prepare a document and send it to you as you said.”

His hand, slightly pushing toward the wagon, came up gently and brushed my hair. It was somehow similar to when my grandfather stroked my hair.

“Goodbye. See you next time.”

The carriage departed behind Duke Safeldrick, who smiled and saw off.

I sat across from Ian in the wide carriage and looked down at the pendant for a moment. It was a familiar face. Traces of the long past that have been forgotten.

“Lawrence.”

I raised my head slightly at the voice calling me. He was looking at me with concern. He didn’t open my mouth directly to ask about the story, but I could feel his heart reaching out.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I let out a low breath and lifted my head and glanced out the window. I slowly opened my mouth while watching the scenery passing by quickly.

“You know, Ian. My grandfather is a parent and teacher to me. I learned a lot from him, and most of all, I learned that even the most cool-headed people have feelings.”

When life was difficult and exhausting, I always went to visit his grandfather. For me, my grandfather was my parents and blood relatives.

“On the other hand, my memory of my parents is fuzzy. They were always busy. Even when they came home, they always worked. I can count the number of times they hugged me. I just looked at the back of them leaving, saying they had to do it.

I let out a sigh and couldn’t hold it in.

“To be honest, even looking at the pendant right now, I’m feeling a bit flustered. It’s nice, sad, and happy. I thought there would be some kind of feeling, but now that I’m calm, I wonder if I’m being too cold-blooded…”

The scenery outside the window passed quickly. Looking out at the scenery in the small frame containing the life, I slightly closed my eyes.

“Am I being weird?”

Then I opened my eyes and looked directly at him. Ian looked at me without answering, bit his lip slightly, and then shook his head.

“People’s emotions are easily blunted. After a difficult and painful period that seems like they’re going to collapse right away, at some point, they become calm as if they never did. After that, you’ll live again.”

“Is like that for Ian too?”

“I was born into the Berdian family and have been on the battlefield since I was a child. It may sound cruel, but I killed my first man when I was fifteen, a barbarian taken prisoner. He was the same age as me. He was crying, begging for help. Watching his spill, I swung my sword. That was my first kill.”

Ian paused his words and looked out the window as I did. His eyes narrowed.

“When I looked at the child who was struggling without resistance and swung my sword to take his life, it was like a small dot was stamped in a corner of my heart. You can see it when it’s apart, but two drops, three drops… When it dyes the entire paper like that, you don’t know where I dropped the first drop.”

“Do you know why I killed him? He was a prisoner who didn’t even resist. Couldn’t I have saved him? No, I had to kill him. He led soldiers and he was the heir to the barbarians who brutally tortured and killed my men. So I killed him regardless of whether the boy killed our soldiers or not, I swung my sword. I had to do that role.”

“You don’t regret it?”

“I regret it. Every time I kill someone, I regret it. We should have a conversation one more time. It would have been nice if I could recognize this person’s true self… I thought about it a lot, but in the end, there is only one answer. Killing them. That’s all. So I got used to it, became dull, and calmed down again.”

He lowered his upper body to level with my eyes. The red eyes twinkled softly.

“I have never lost a parent or family member. But I have seen countless people who lost a brother, parent, or family member. Even if I don’t have enemies, I know how they hurt. And I also watched how they live after that.”

A large hand gently gripped my hand. After looking down at the hand that conveyed his warmth, I raised my gaze. At sunset, when I met his glowing eyes, he opened his mouth.

“So even if Lawrence looks at the pendant indifferently now, I can understand your feelings to some extent. Everyone lives in such a dull and cut state. You and me too.”

“Grandpa will be like that too.”

The pain of losing a child was unimaginable. I could understand the pain, but I couldn’t empathize with the depth. That’s why I was hesitating whether I should give the pendant to my grandfather.

Ian grinned as if he knew my troubles.

“You’ll like it.”

There was a certain laughter in his voice.

“I hope so too.”

* * *

It was evening when the long-running carriage stopped at the entrance of Ajstain’s main castle. Ian got back into the wagon and disappeared. Maybe it was because I wanted to have a conversation for more time, so I blankly stared at the carriage leaving. I tried to catch him once, but since he had already left the duchy, I couldn’t catch him any longer. I tilted my head, hugging a slightly confused feeling.

“You’re here.”

Passing through the main entrance and entering the hall, a soft and warm voice rang out. As I lifted my body, I saw my grandfather approaching with a caring smile.

“Good job.”

“Yes…”

Somehow, the voice didn’t come out well. I didn’t know how to say it, so I needed time, but I thought we met too soon. I lowered my head, feeling my body heat above my head. It was the touch of a soft hand.

“You must be tired. Go get some rest.”

There was no question about performance, such as whether I did a good job or if I did have any problems. His words always contained kindness and warmth. I looked up and saw my grandfather’s face. 

He was neat as always. He looked quite young for his age, but the fine wrinkles here and there made it possible to guess his age. I bit my lip.

“Why?”

Maybe my face was strange, so I leaned over slightly and closed my eyes at my grandfather’s gaze looking at me. Was it right to give this pendant? Wouldn’t it be better to just keep it? But…

“Grandfather.”

“Huh?”

I quietly reached out my hand to my grandfather who answered my call. The pendant snapped. For a moment, my grandfather’s expression hardened. The moment I saw that expression, I closed my eyes tightly and turned around.

“I’m sorry. I’ll go ahead and load it up. Good night, Grandpa.”

I left behind my grandfather, who was standing around with the pendant in his hand, and walked as if running away to the room. I bit my lip hard. I returned to my room, closed the door, sat down on the bed, and covered my face with my hands. I was worried that the insignificant pendant might reveal the scars of my grandfather. Was it a worthless act? Was it for nothing? I looked up at the ceiling, embracing countless worries and concerns.

“He’ll like it.”

Ian’s voice seemed to echo. When I closed my eyes, Ian’s face was drawn. I thought it would be nice to have him by my side. It’s not that I’m weak…

“I hope so, Ian.”

I hoped my grandfather liked it too.

* * *

It was a sunny day. It was a daily routine to start the morning by washing lightly as usual and then sitting face to face with my grandfather for breakfast. But this morning was particularly gloomy and quiet. Grandpa didn’t say anything, as if he had a lot of thoughts, and I, too, just rolled my eyes anxiously, wondering if yesterday’s incident was causing unnecessary anger on myself. My heart was heavy when my grandfather, who always gave me a soft and kind smile, moved only the spoon with an expressionless face. I didn’t know what to say, but he stopped. It didn’t make much sense to force a smile. Besides, it’s usually not a bad thing. It must be very heavy on the heart to see the portraits of the children who have now become chilly widows.

I couldn’t fathom the depth of it, so I quietly finished my meal and got up from my seat. And I passed by my grandfather, who was staring blankly at the table, as if he hadn’t noticed my actions. Grandpa’s always well-groomed hair today seemed to show his distraught mind. He bit his lip, opened the door, left the dining room, entered the office, and sat down when butler Fiebel came in and handed him the papers. Normally, I would have opened it right away and started working, but with a heavy heart, I put the papers on the desk and looked at Fievel. The butler, who met my eyes, bowed slightly.

“The butler.”

“Yes, lady.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Ask me.”

After hesitating for a moment, I felt that butler Fiebel’s expressionless face was somehow encouraging, so I slowly began to hurry.

“Have you seen Grandpa today?”

“Yes, I saw him. He had a very heavy expression.”

“What do you think?”

Yesterday, he also knew what had happened yesterday because I had made a note to Butler Fiebel to take care of my grandfather. But I knew that no matter how much help he gave around, it wouldn’t mean much. It’s a problem I had to endure.

“The Viscount will be able to endure it. But I think we need some time now.”

“It’s time…”

“Although it has been more than 10 years, losing a child is not something to be forgotten. It is more painful and difficult than any other sorrow in the world. It’s no wonder that the Viscount was lost in thought for a moment.”

“But when you’re there…”

Fievel smiled softly as if he had read my anxious mind. He paused at his usual smile.

“There is no way that the Viscount hates the lady for this or gives up everything. No matter what anyone says, Lady Lawrence and Lady Ersia aren’t you two blood relatives of the Viscount? As much as he values his family, he will come back. You just have to give him a little time until then.”

“…is that so.”

Butler Fiebel’s words made more sense than I thought, and there were grounds to convince me. It’s funny to make a rational decision even in this situation, but my grandfather was a precious person to me. That’s why it was difficult to see my grandfather in his grief. I just bit my lip in nervousness. The butler quickly changed the subject, as if not to give me hesitation.

“I have prepared the materials you mentioned earlier.”

“Which one?”

“Look.”