Chapter 10 – Heart Moved

Deep at night, twenty minutes after midnight.

Inside the house that Qi Qianze and Fu An had lived in for four years.

On the sofa, two people sat side by side.

After Fu An haltingly explained the thoughts that were in his heart at that time, they began to talk like old friends.

At the start they fixed each of their incorrect assumptions. Then later, they poured out words at great lengths. There were things that had happened when they were very young, nostalgic recollections from when they’d been passionately in love, and also many little details that they’d even almost forgotten……these feelings that should’ve always been known by them both, after years of separation, finally flowed through lips and teeth, and came to light.

Thinking of it now, what had happened really was a comedy of errors, but at that time neither of them understood the other’s thoughts. They seemed to never have had the habit of sharing their feelings.

And the one time that Qi Qianze decided to express what was in his heart, he was stopped by a sudden breakup.

After finally explaining everything clearly, they were silent for a long time. These happenings and emotions that messed with them made them unsure of what was appropriate to say. They found it extremely ridiculous, but at the same time they felt at a loss, probably because they didn’t know what to do next.

Qi Qianze’s voice was a bit hoarse, he hadn’t said so much in a long time, after sitting for a while, he quietly went to the kitchen and brought out two glasses of warm water.

Fu An drank half a glass, then put it on the table. After a while, he debated leaving.

After all, after everything was said, he wasn’t in a position to stay in this house.

What Qi Qianze said was right, all of it was Fu An’s fault.

If Fu An hadn’t entangled them together when they were young, if Fu An hadn’t confessed, if Fu An hadn’t gone to the classroom to see him, if Fu An had had the patience to wait a little longer, or if Fu An hadn’t made his own arbitrary decisions……regardless of which of these were changed, the result certainly wouldn’t be like it was now.

The more Fu An thought, the more he felt that this was the case. The fault always lay with him. Even if it was thought of as some sort of meddlesome fate, fundamentally, wasn’t it all because of his own bad personality?

This was a fact that couldn’t be changed, and it was also the prime culprit that had caused it all.

Fu An let out a sign, that once arrogant and reckless youth seemed to have changed yet again this night. He wasn’t even the same person who had dared to block the door of the bathroom this afternoon.

But it doesn’t matter, Fu An thought, I’ve already gotten a lot.

At least he had had the opportunity to hear Qi Qianze say that he loved him for once. It was truly worth it.

Fu An stood, straightened his clothes, and said hesitantly: “Qi Qianze, then……. it’s not early anymore, I’m going to go now.”

He spoke very normally, like a friend, not like a lover who was about to confess to Qi Qianze, to start over and pursue Qi Qianze again. Qi Qianze could also tell that he had no such intention.

Qi Qianze watched him for a long time, about five minutes, all the while staring at him. He didn’t agree nor did he disagree, and his expression was also very bland.

These two had clearly just explained all those old things that were hidden deep in their hearts, but not even a quarter of an hour later, those emotions were completely buried again under their [deep] expressions. As if saying these things hadn’t lifted weight off of their shoulders, but instead added new shackles.

No one wouldn’t regret such a relationship.

But after feeling that regret, could they go back to the past?

No one knew.

They could only be held back by these feelings. In the future, love wouldn’t be love, hate wouldn’t be hate, and if they loved anyone else it would feel like something was missing.

Finally, Qi Qianze drained the glass in one go, cleared his throat, and said: “Fu An, you’re not staying at home?”

His tone was very similar to that from many years ago. It was ordinary, normal, and very natural, like Fu An staying at home was a matter of course.

Fu An’s heart felt a warmth, and he thought that it was really good, that all the absurd things he’d done hadn’t turned the person in front of him pitiful or hateful. 

Thankfully, Qi Qianze was just as he was in the past.

Fu An nodded his head, but his gaze was always directed downwards, looking at the rug under the sofa. This rug was one that he’d chosen. He even clearly remembered why he’d picked it at that time. It seemed to have been because when they were looking at pictures. Qi Qianze had looked at this style a little longer than the others.

Fu An remembered these nostalgic things, and the corner of his lips twitched. He said to Qi Qianze: “No, I’ll go back, I–––”

He stopped abruptly.

Qi Qianze had grabbed hold of his hand.

Fu An gently struggled once, very gently, really gently, like the nerves in his fingers had slightly twitched. His voice was similarly soft, like he was muttering to himself, because Qi Qianze’s gaze was truly deep, bearing something that made Fu An reluctant to continue talking.

“My things are still……”

“Alright.”

Qi Qianze squeezed his hand. The dry warmth between their hands seemed tender. He said: “Fu An, you can go back, but I still have some things I want to say to you.”

At this time, Qi Qianze wasn’t like he was at the reunion, nor was he like he was when they broke up. He was a little similar to when they’d been passionately in love, but still with some differences. Fu An couldn’t describe it.

Qi Qianze said: “There’s still something I haven’t finished talking to you about.”

His fingers made trouble, calmly and steadily intertwining with Fu An’s. This action was done very naturally, as if their hands were always like this, and not being this way would be extremely strange. Qi Qianze said slowly, probably while he was still thinking: “Fu An, I think you’ll leave.”

“If I don’t say it now, you’ll do the same as before, leaving and never coming back.”

Fu An was taken aback. His thoughts hadn’t reached this point yet. Right now, he had only thought to go back. For one, he felt that it was strange to stay. He thought it was too embarrassing, that it was truly too difficult to calmly interact with Qi Qianze. They hadn’t seen each other in many years, so they weren’t not estranged. Another was that he felt that at this time he wasn’t fit to be a person of this house. It was unsuited in all aspects.

So he needed to leave. It was also to give himself time and space to think about what had happened.

But he hadn’t expected Qi Qianze to say what he had. It was really strange, he himself hadn’t thought of it. But because of it he also calmed down. After Fu An carefully thought a bit, he felt that he probably would have done this kind of thing.

He might not have even reached his house. While on the road he would realize, the way it was now wasn’t bad. Although their explanations to each other were very late, in the end nothing was missing. It could be considered that this was them giving their younger selves an explanation, and now their love was finally completed. And after all this, each of them had their own new lives. These three years also proved that they could still live without each other, and probably live even better. It seemed that there was no reason for them to be together from now on.

As for the future……

Fu An didn’t know.

“Fu An, you’re a paper tiger.”1

Fu An was stunned for a moment, and didn’t understand what Qi Qianze meant.

Qi Qianze: “You only dare to be like this towards me, because I’m the closest to you. You run whenever you want, you leave whenever you want. Is it because you think I’ll forgive you that you’re so fearless?”

What fearlessness are you talking about?

Fu An was completely unlike this description. He opened his mouth and wanted to argue against it for himself, but his mouth was suddenly covered by Qi Qianze’s outstretched hand. 

Fu An: “……”

Qi Qianze took his hand and covered his mouth. When Fu An leaned away from him, Qi Qianze simply followed along. Then, Fu An backed into the sofa and plopped down, allowing Qi Qianze to trap him firmly between his body and the sofa.

Fu An couldn’t move.

“Fu An, you only know how to bully me.”

As if he couldn’t help but say that fact that he couldn’t but forgive, Qi Qianze lowered his head and looked at Fu An for a while, then leaned down and kissed Fu An’s forehead. Then, looking down from a height, he said to him very gently: “Let’s start over, okay?”

He probably already knew that Fu An was entangled yet hesitant. He also knew that if things went according to Fu An’s thinking, there was a very large chance that Fu An would let him go just like this, and wish him well from afar. So Qi Qianze wanted to strike first and firmly take hold of Fu An before anything happened.

Fu An could feel like he had done wrong, and he could feel that he was unworthy, but these thoughts should be fleeting and shouldn’t affect Fu An for long.

Let’s start over, okay?

Fu An sank into the sofa. He was trapped by a big animal called “Qi Qianze”. That big guy’s breath was very warm and strong, and bound him up entirely, until he couldn’t breathe. His hand was still on his face, covering what was under his nose and above his chin. It was as if temperatures were flowing, slowly heating Fu An’s entire body. A thin layer of sweat dampened his back.

Qi Qianze…… when had he ever been like this?

Had he ever expressed affection so strongly?

And when had he become different from what Fu An thought?

This person had a much more mature appearance compared to in his youth, but his emotions had only increased from then, and had become rather strong. It seemed like if Fu An didn’t answer, “Okay,” then he would be trapped there forever, but he also wouldn’t let Fu An speak, for some unknown reason.

But–––no matter what that reason was, at this moment, like all the times before, for him, Fu An’s heart moved.

Saying, meaning that he seems fierce but really isn’t.