Chapter 8 – Why Teary?

Edited by: umamin

Why are you leaving?

Why did you break up with me?

Why did you avoid me?

Why don’t you love me anymore?

……

Qi Qianze had many, many questions to ask him, just like that day many years ago when they broke up.

Fu An’s side was turned towards him and his expression couldn’t be seen straight on, but Qi Qianze could feel that his movements had paused slightly.

These questions had actually already been answered by Fu An.

They broke up before Qi Qianze had graduated. It happened to be on Children’s Day. The weather was very good, with clear and boundless skies. It was the kind of day where just waking up, opening the curtains, and seeing the sunlight was all you needed to be in a good mood for the rest of the day. A feeling completely unlike that of those cloud-blanketed days where people break up in television shows.

They had long planned to visit the amusement park one day, because Fu An had always said that he wanted to ride a rollercoaster, wanted to pretend to have a fated encounter with Qi Qianze in the maze, wanted to share a single ice cream cone, wanted to take countless pictures as a couple…… but as Qi Qianze’s graduation approached, his thesis took over his entire life and he had no time to accompany him. Fu An himself also had a lot of schoolwork that he couldn’t get away from. Just like this, they had never gone.

That day at breakfast, Qi Qianze was dazzled by the sunlight. He suddenly had a feeling like “this is the day”, that it was just perfect to do what Fu An had always wanted to do but never actually done. So he said: “Fu An, let’s go out today.”

Fu An seemed to have not slept well and wasn’t very interested. He sat there at the table staring at his soymilk in a daze. After hearing Qi Qianze’s voice, it took him a while to respond, and he asked him, “What did you say?”

Qi Qianze was very patient and repeated it. He said, “I want to go out for a while, to some place, will you accompany me?’

Qi Qianze didn’t tell him where they were going or what they were doing. He wanted to let Fu An think about it first, then give him some hints along the way. If Fu An guessed it, he’d look forward to it, and if he couldn’t guess it, then it would be a surprise.

No matter which way it was it would be good, no matter which way it was it wouldn’t be wrong.

That day, everything would go smoothly. Qi Qianze could have fun with Fu An all the way till dark, enjoy themselves wholeheartedly, until they couldn’t even walk. At the right time and the right place, he would have a heart-to-heart talk with Fu An. He would say what he’d thought about for a very long time but never told him before, then confess to Fu An.

That’s right, confess.

Qi Qianze liked Fu An.

Indeed, Qi Qianze’s hatred of Fu An when they were younger was real, because he’d always blamed Fu An for his own inability to make friends. He’d thought Fu An was arrogant and mean, and not a good person.

But as he gradually grew up, he could also see other aspects of Fu An. For example, lots of times when he said unpleasant words, it was merely bravado. For example, his like of Qi Qianze was genuine and sincere. For example, he was very filial to his own parents. For example, Fu An had many, many good aspects that others didn’t know about……even though Fu An didn’t have enough good points, he wasn’t unforgivable.

If he thought about it carefully, seventy-five percent of Qi Qianze’s life before the age of twenty had been spent with Fu An. They went to school together, left school together, and had each other’s contact information. Every day, no matter if it was one sided or not, a little or a lot, they would always say a few words to each other. Not only that, but Qi Qianze also had some areas where he relied on Fu An. No matter what the process was, the results showed that Fu An had resolved all his loneliness. Aside from Fu An, there wasn’t a single other person who could do this.

When Qi Qianze realized this in hindsight, he found that he’d already stopped hating Fu An long ago, otherwise Qi Qianze wouldn’t have agreed to be with him when he had confessed. 

Fu An’s unpleasant way of speaking didn’t matter, when it happened it could be fixed, apologized for, and changed bit by bit. Having a troublesome and fussy personality was also OK; Qi Qianze could just remember what his likes and dislikes were and keep things Fu An didn’t like out of his sight. It wouldn’t matter if their social circles weren’t big, friendships could always form slowly if Fu An was willing to make them. If not, forget it. Qi Qianze wouldn’t beg him to.

There wasn’t anything that wasn’t okay, and there was nothing that wasn’t good. Because of love, Qi Qianze had felt that nothing could be a problem.

But that day hadn’t gone smoothly. Not only had everything gone in the opposite direction, but it had also spiraled out of control.

Somehow, Fu An wasn’t like his usual self that day. Before they left the house, he’d said some words that came out of nowhere. He said that he was disappointing, he was really no good. He listed off his own shortcomings, then turned around and talked about Qi Qianze’s grievances. After Qi Qianze jokingly said, “So you know, ah”, Fu An was silent for a very long time. In the end, he said, “Let’s break up.”

Qi Qianze was stunned, but he didn’t feel very hurt. It could even be said that there were no waves in his heart at all1, because he hadn’t reacted at all and was completely out of sorts.

He asked Fu An, “Why?” His expression was very confused, as if he was asking why one plus one didn’t equal two.

At that time, Fu An said, “Qi Qianze, I suddenly feel like this relationship is really meaningless.”

“You should think so too,” Fu An’s voice was gentle and low, like a senior worrying about Qi Qianze’s life, “Unlike a normal university student, you have no freedom, no friends, no one to hang out with, no youth or happiness. Qi Qianze, you can’t be like this.”

“Then what about you?” Qi Qianze asked him, “Aren’t we together? Won’t you accompany me?”

Fu An just smiled, as if hearing it had made him very happy or moved. He rarely revealed this kind of expression. He said, “Qi Qianze, you’re truly, really good.”

He thought to himself, why do I accompany you, ah? What use is there for me to accompany you? I’m just the rope that prevents you from being free. You’re this good of a person, so you shouldn’t be tied down by me, right?

But Fu An didn’t say these things. He only said, “Today my mood isn’t good, I want to go out and take a walk.”

Alone.

Qi Qianze finally nodded. But even after he waited until nightfall, Fu An hadn’t come back home and when Qi Qianze called him, his phone wasn’t in service. Then, Qi Qianze realized that Fu An had been serious when he’d said to break up.

Besides the identification that Fu An carried with him whenever he went out, he hadn’t taken a single thing. He’d even resolutely abandoned the game console that he’d saved up so long for, as if he’d never liked it.

Fu An said he would leave, so he just left.

Now, it was still the same house, the same living room, and the same foyer. Qi Qianze asked the same question.

“Fu An, why?”

Fu An was held by the wrist and couldn’t leave like last time.

Qi Qianze also wasn’t as easy to fool as before. He wanted an answer to the question that went unanswered back then, wanted to say all the things that he couldn’t at that time.

This is a literal translation of a figure of speech, essentially meaning that he didn’t feel much emotional agitation.