I Loved You In Order To Survive

After resolving her hunger to some extent, Lily spoke carefully.

“I looked ugly, didn’t I? I barely ate enough to keep from dying. It’s been a while since I ate something delicious, so I couldn’t control myself…”

“I will bring more next time.”

“Thank you very much. Really.”

Lily, who had repeatedly been saying ‘thank you’ over and over again, asked soon after.

“Why are you helping me?”

Why did he help Lily? It was so complex that it could not be expressed in words. In the end, Giles gave a simple answer.

“I want to.”

“I wish I could give you something in return. I feel like I’m in debt.”

“Don’t think you’re in debt. Just stay alive. That is enough.”

“I will definitely repay you next time. If I had the ability to do that now, I would.”

But Lily was already reciprocating. Giles was satisfied with the fact that she survived. He wanted to save Lily and her music. If that was the last thing he could do, he could die with no regrets.

“Can I play the piano for you?”

“You don’t have to pay me back.”

“No, it’s not like that. It’s because I want to play. And you like to listen to me playing the piano, so…?”

Lily sat down at the piano and opened the lid. Fearing that the keyboard might get dirty, she rubbed her hands on her dirty clothes.

Then she pressed the keys. It really couldn’t have been more strange. She was a survivor in the ruins, but as soon as she sat down in front of the piano, she was transformed into a completely different person. It was as if she casted a spell.

Lily thought that since Giles had saved her life, she would have to pay for it. Giles hoped she wouldn’t. It wasn’t that he was hoping for something in return. But it wasn’t that he didn’t want to hear Lily play, nor did Giles stop her from doing anything.

Lily’s playing brought back old memories that he had buried in the deep darkness of his heart. The days when he wore nice clothes, ate good food, and was treated well. Like many children his age, Giles received a liberal arts education. Among them was piano.

Every note resembled the familiar memories of days that could no longer return. The sound of silverware clinking. The violin Celeste played. The stories people shared and laughed at during balls…

Giles, once a boy who grew up in aristocracy, ruthlessly broke and trampled those days with his own hands.

He had to pay any price to live.

But what was left?

He believed he could escape death, but the blade at his neck did not leave. It was just that the speed was slower than others.

In the end, what was left…?

Giles remembered his mansion engulfed in flames, burning black. It was the very mansion where he spent his childhood. How did he feel as he looked at the loving home he had burned with his own hands? 

Sadness? 

Woe? 

Guilt?

Before he could remember, Lily’s voice woke him.

“Officer?”

Giles came to his senses and looked at her. Lily had a concerned expression. It must have been because he had been lost in thoughts for too long.

“What were you thinking?”

The complexion of Lily, who asked carefully, was unusual. Giles immediately relaxed his expression to clear up the misunderstanding.

“Nothing. Sorry.”

Lily looked down at her clasped hands.

“I was worried that you might not like my performance.”

“It’s not like that.”

“It is important to me. The only way I can show my appreciation is by playing. I don’t know how to do anything else…”

“Lily, you don’t have to worry too much. I’m just…”

“Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve had an audience.”

Giles was speechless for a moment. Lily smiled, albeit weakly. The smile on her face was unfamiliar to him. She was a different person now than the woman who looked up at him in fear. During that brief moment, Giles saw the image of Heloise Bismar in the portrait.

“Didn’t you come again because you liked my performance?”

He couldn’t say it was because of that, but he couldn’t deny it, so Giles nodded his head helplessly.

“I may never be able to perform on stage again, but I’m glad I can still be heard by someone. It’s been a while, so I have many shortcomings…”

“Did you stop playing the piano?”

“I thought someone might hear and report it. I had to live like a rat, dead. Because I wanted to live.”

Giles opened his mouth, then closed it again. A lot of words swirled in his head. He also wanted to live. He wanted to live more earnestly than anyone else. So he killed his friends and burned the house he grew up in. He believed that those things would save him.

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“You will not die.” 

He did not want to end his life as a servile murderer. He wanted to leave behind something valuable in this world.

Lily was an opportunity for Giles. He wanted to save Lily all the more because he had no hesitation in putting bullets in the heads of people in his town, torturing them.

He needed new inspiration. He did not want to die sitting still and waiting for fate to come, like a death row inmate.

“Come to think of it, I haven’t learned your name yet. Can you tell me?”

It was a late introduction, but Giles was happy to answer.

“Giles Hessen.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hessen.”

“Just call me Giles. That’s more comfortable for me.”

“Giles.”

Lily spoke his name a few times.

“I like it because it feels nice in my mouth.”

“I’m glad.”

“I will also introduce myself. I am Lily Belmore. Please take good care of me.”

“But your real name is…”

Lily laughed out loud. Her cold hand mischievously grabbed Giles’.

“Don’t you remember? Heloise died. Long ago.”

Before she could say anything more, Giles squeezed Lily’s hand. It was cold. 

Did she press the piano keys with these hands?

“Why are your hands so cold?”

He removed his gloves and put them on Lily’s hands. These were leather gloves lined with faux fur. Lily couldn’t say anything and just blushed.

It was cold, but Giles left the mansion without a coat or gloves.

Far from being cold, his body felt light as if it were going to fly.

***

From that day on, Giles often went to see Lily. Deep in the abandoned mansion, Lily appeared before Giles, always the same.

The fear and vigilance that had consumed her when they first met had receded. Lily was like an innocent girl with a lot of laughter. She listened to what Giles had to say earnestly. It had been a long time since he had departed from his sister forever, so it had been a long time since he had a comfortable conversation with someone.

Perhaps thanks to Giles bringing food, Lily’s body began to gain weight, and he could see her complexion glowing. Giles liked seeing her get better. Lily, the woman saved by his hands. Lily was also grateful for that fact.

He thought that his life, which had been stained with red, was being dyed another color.

It was a beautiful experience. To the point where he forgot what kind of person he really was.

Perhaps he could have forgotten forever.

***

“Are you having a good day?”

Giles’ superior, Harrington, asked casually. He was seated across from Giles, a cigarette in one hand and papers in the other.

“Your complexion has become much more comfortable.”

“It sounds like I was miserable until recently.”

“Do you even look in the mirror? Every time I saw you, I was worried that you would return the next day as a corpse. I went around thinking you’d die soon.”

“I was tired from work.”

“Or, maybe you let go of your lingering feelings. It feels that way. If you empty your mind, peace will come, like a reward. A person with a lot of luggage on his back cannot see wildflowers blooming on the roadside.”

Harrington stopped flipping through the files and stared at Giles. The cigarette in his right hand burned slowly, drawing an opaque arc through the air.

“Tell me, Hessen. What the hell are you thinking these days?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Your complexion has improved, but to be honest, it looks like everything that was filling up inside of you has drained out. Even if I look into your eyes now, there is nothing. There is nothing you want to achieve, nothing you want, no goals, no aspirations. Now, in a different sense, I’m worried that you’ll come back as a corpse tomorrow.”

“I am fine.”

Harrington decided to take a straightforward approach.

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“Hessen. The fact that leadership said they wouldn’t protect you…”

“It’s like saying they’re going to throw me away when everything is sorted out.”

Giles responded immediately. He did not dare lie to Harrington.