I Told You I Won’t Love You Anymore

It would be okay to fill the last moment of my life with good memories, but why am I constantly thinking of Leopold?

Is it a lingering attachment to an unfulfilled love, a deceit toward myself to pretend to be noble in an ordinary crush, or an insistence to love him to the end alone….?

I asked seriously once. It was a forced marriage, but nonetheless, we became a family.

‘Leopold, do you have any affection for me?’

After eating quietly the whole time, he stopped moving and frowned.

‘……You are talking a lot of nonsense.’

‘I didn’t ask you a question to hear a criticism.’

‘Tell me what you want to hear. I’ll answer whatever you want.’

Sharp words like fragments of glass flew into my heart without fail. Perhaps because I had vague expectations unconsciously, I even felt like my whole body was hurting.

‘That doesn’t mean anything. I’m just curious about how you feel.’

‘Don’t you know it’s a useless curiosity? It is a quality that I had to have even when I was still an academy honor student.’

‘Don’t be sarcastic. I’m just… I just want you to think about it—”

‘Alright, I’ll think about it. Okay? Let’s eat now. I’m getting a headache.’

My voice, which was gradually increasing, was still clear, as if it were annoying to cut off the end of my words.

Stupidly, I ask that question knowing what my husband is like.

He, who couldn’t disobey his mother, must have felt like he’s in hell during this marriage as much as I felt.

No, maybe it was more painful than mine.…. That’s why he’s never shown me a smile in five years. For someone who can  fake a smile in a beat.

In fact, five years ago, I thought there was no one in the world who was luckier than me.

I thought I would wander on the street as an orphan all my life, but I never dreamed of becoming a duchess.

Mrs. Lawrence, the mother of her husband and the mistress of the Duke of Lawrence, took care of her wandering young self without her parents and eventually became their daughter-in-law.

Of course, I was excited at the time, and Mrs. Lawrence, who would have drawn a hopeful future, had no expectation that this would come to an end.

What if she hadn’t seen her? If only I had wandered around the street, even if I starved or suffered in the harsh seasons. If so, would I have been more at ease? Maybe there’s never been such a death on the horizon.

“Whoo.”

The more I fell into my thoughts, the more frequent the sensation of stabbing near my heart became. I had already been suffering for three years, but neither medicine nor magic treatment worked.

There were times when I thought about telling my husband, but I didn’t think there was anything he could do.

This was a mental illness.

Even if I tried to fall asleep again, my nerves only became sensitive, so I gave up and turned to the window.

Judging by the faint light leaking in, it was clear that it was a hot time. But the room was dark because of the curtains surrounding it.

“Leopold Lawrence.”

I lay alone in bed, reciting my husband’s name quietly. I did it every time I missed him.

Would he shudder if he found out about this habit?

But my husband never came into my bedroom, so I didn’t really care. He’s been staying abroad for quite a long time, using the excuse of being busy to avoid me.

“Leopold Lawrence.”

My husband, whose name alone made my heart beat, was an ecstaticly handsome man.

His height, stiff shoulders, sharp eyes, and smooth mouth, which were incomparable to those of his academy colleagues, were impeccable as a statue of a master. Not only that, his sharp jaw and straight nose highlighted his masculinity indefinitely.

At the age of 18, I was immature and young, and I laughed with my friends, saying, “I think I can live off his face forever.”

“Leopold Lawrence.”

Listening to his name in a dry, cracked voice, I realize that this place was not mine from the beginning.

Even though you hate to hear this, what about you? Are you fed up every time I call you?

As soon as I was about to fall into my thoughts, I suddenly felt suffocated like a drowning man.

“Heok.”

The sadness that turned into pain bothered me every minute. Perhaps because it was a disease that began in the mind, the pain also worsened whenever my emotions became intense.

Sometimes I felt like I was being strangled, sometimes I felt like something was tearing my lungs, and sometimes my whole body was burning. It was a terrible feeling that I couldn’t get used to even though it was something I often experienced.

Sometimes I was rather happy when various pains came together. I don’t think there’s much time left for me.

If I leave this body and am held in God’s arms, I will no longer have to hang on to his affection that will never be returned.

I felt sorry to Mrs. Lawrence for showing me kindness, but if the shackles in the form of myself disappear, Leopold will be able to breathe more freely compared to now.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes slowly.

It would have been better if we saw each other’s faces and said goodbye.

Even if I asked him to come, I would have been rejected.….

I wrote a letter so that he wouldn’t be surprised, so it wouldn’t be a problem.

If there is a next life, I will live in peace, cultivating a small garden alone, buried in my favorite books without love. Even if Leopold is reincarnated at the same time.

Hello, Leopold.

My first love, my last love and my everything.

“…… Hazel?”

Is the afterlife made up of imagination?

I gently opened my eyes to the distant voice. The soft, low echo that I had missed for quite a while tickled my ears.

When I blinked and stared at the person coming into view, he bent his upper body toward me and I met his eyes.

“Leo……pold?”

“Hazel.”

His slightly trembling voice was awkward, unlike my husband, who always kept his cool.

His expression wasn’t the kind I knew at all either. He looked too sad for me to assume that he was angry, and he seemed to be holding back his anger to assume that he was sad.

Anyway, he seemed to be suppressing his rising emotions, but it was difficult to take my eyes off him because it was a strange face that I had never seen before. The original Leopold always expressed raw feelings without holding back as if he wanted me to be hurt.

Seeing me face a strange man, it certainly didn’t seem real.

“I’m imagining you even when I’m dead. I’m a woman beyond redemption.”

Leopold twisted his eyebrows sharply this time, as he muttered to himself. I stare blankly at his beautiful green eyes resembling the fresh summer forest.

“Even when you die? What do you mean—”

“But I’m glad you’re the last face I see.”

In the past, when I always claimed to be in a relationship, I would never have cut him off, but this is the afterlife, so it’s fine.

I scanned Leopold’s face with the intention of deeply capturing his every long eyelash that came down. Then I gently extended his right arm and touched one of his cheeks. It was an act that I had never even thought of trying in my life.

“I think all my lingering feelings will disappear.”

“…… lingering feelings?”

Accepting my touch, he asked back with a slight gap. His straight brow had narrowed as usual before I knew it.

I had hoped so much that he would not frown, but I was rather glad to see that familiar expression, perhaps because his attitude I just saw was too unfamiliar.

There was a strange sense of relief, so I began to say whatever I wanted to say.

“Things like scraps for you. I had a hard time alone because I had an unrequited love that didn’t fit me.”

Now I wondered what would change by complaining like this, but I didn’t want to block the words that came out of my mind like an old core that melted.

“It’s okay because I saw your face in my imagination like this. We shouldn’t see each other any more. In the next life, until forever.”

This is how it feels to be lighthearted. Somehow it was satisfying. I feel like I’m back to my strong academy days.

After twisting his face relentlessly, he slowly loosened his expression. Then he shook his head slightly and said as if sighing.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about from our first night. I thought you would have fallen asleep first because I came so late, but seeing that you kept dreaming, I woke up a sleeping person for no reason.”

I stared at him with my eyes wide open at his mysterious words.

If it’s our first night, does he mean the miserable day I waited for my groom with my eyes open all night? I waited for him endlessly when I knew he was not coming. After seeing the bright sky, I fell asleep, deeply hurt through the night.

When I woke up without much sleep and asked the butler about his whereabouts, all he said was that there was a call from His Majesty.

The mysterious wait ended with a short answer from another person with no excuses or apologies, and the lingering snatch in my heart did not heal for a long time.

I stared at Leopold, speechless due to the old memories that naturally came to mind. He slowly opened his mouth as he approached without shaking his eyes.

“I won’t disturb you, so sleep tight. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. And… I’m sorry I was too late.”

You’re sorry?

Leopold, to me?

The words that leaked through his neat lips were bizarre. But the pronunciation was too accurate for me to mishear.

Soon after, a strange sensation touched my forehead.

I was so embarrassed by the sudden kiss that I only opened my mouth like a carp. Is the afterlife a place that shows unfulfilled desires?

My whole body stiffened with embarrassment. Leopold didn’t care at all, swept my cheek affectionately with a big hand, put the blanket up to my neck, and immediately left the bedroom.

I tried to ponder this ridiculous situation step by step, but with the sound of the door closing, I fell into sleep helplessly.

And the next day, it wasn’t until something very strange happened that I realized that I had returned to five years ago.