I’m Back in the First Grade of Elementary School, so I’m Going to Live Well

The girl I like.

I’m not so insensitive that I can’t see the true meaning of what Mizui-san asks about that.

“It’s…”

There is no way I could have said that so easily.

Whether I like a girl or not, I can’t say it easily.

It’s not that I’m too embarrassed to tell you.

I’m long past the age where I’m embarrassed to say who I like.

There are other reasons why it’s hard to say.

“……”

I’m at a loss for words.

It’s not unusual for me to get stuck for words because I’ve never been a good communicator, but at this moment, it doesn’t matter how good or bad I am at communicating.

“It’s not fair to let Sho-kun speak alone, after all.”

“What does that mean――”

“I’ll say it too.”

What? I didn’t ask anything tactful.

She doesn’t care about such things, but this is her way of making a decision.

It’s not about cheating or anything like that.

She’s telling me this because she decides it’s the right place to tell me.

Mizui-san is still lying in my lap, and she doesn’t want to get up.

There was no sign of her looking at me.

Only she can know her state of mind when she does so.

Her determination and anxiety are things that only she knows and feels.

It’s not something that I can easily understand, nor should I.

Mizui-san’s right hand lightly grasps the hem of my shorts.

With all the courage she can muster, she opens her mouth.

“I like………… Sho-kun.”

“I like you, Sho-kun. No, I love you. I love you more than anyone, I swear.”

“……”

“For me, Sho-kun is a prince. He’s the one who accepts me and acknowledges me.”

A prince.

I took the word as a kind of metaphor.

“I’m not that great of a person.”

I’m not being modest.

I’ve lived for almost thirty years.

I think I know myself well enough.

I’ve always known that I’m not much of a person, and I’ve always known it.

That’s why I’ve decided to start over.

“No, that’s not true. At least for me, Sho-kun is a great person. Because it’s not possible for someone who’s not a great person to be liked by someone else. I’m proof that you’re a great person.”

“……”

I stopped being self-deprecating at those words.

Any further self-deprecation would be insulting Mizui-san.

“Sho-kun, do you remember what you said to me in the library?”

That must have been the first time Mizui-san and I had a proper conversation.

It was there that I learned about her hobby of picture books.

It’s only recently, and I remember the thoughts she said and the many painful actions I took.

…… But my memory is a little hazy when it comes to what Mizui-san says she said in the library.

The other things were so impressive that I didn’t remember much of what I said.

It may just be that my memory is terrible… 

“Don’t you remember?”

“I’m sorry.”

The fact that she was digging into it here and now meant that I might have said something important to her.

As a last resort to forgetting it, I apologized.

But I don’t think I said anything important.

“Fufufu, I see.”

For some reason, she was in a good mood, even though I had forgotten.

“Really, Sho-kun, you’re amazing.”

“……?”

I don’t know why I’m so amazing at this point.

“You should be honest with yourself and live your life freely. That’s what you told me.”

She recited the words I had said to her in the past, without mincing words.

If you ask me, I do remember saying something like that.

But I didn’t mean it as a childish thing, or with any deep meaning, I just said it because I thought I should.

“I’m sure it was just a casual remark for you, Sho-kun…… But those words saved my life. It was a word that saved me from being trapped in the eyes of the people around me, the image, and all sorts of other things.”

“But anyone can say that――”

“No, it’s because you’re Sho-kun that you could say it. It was because of what you said, Sho-kun, that I was saved and fell in love with you.”

“……”

That’s not true. I still feel the same way.

In that situation, anyone but me would have said so.

But she denied it so strongly…… she bent my opinion.

“It’s not something anyone can say. That’s why you’re so great, Sho-kun.”

“……”

I know I’m repeating myself, but it still doesn’t add up.

I just can’t see myself as a great person.

I can’t stop thinking about this……

“――I like you, Sho-kun.

He’s kind to listen to me when he found out that I liked picture books, he’s open-minded to recognize my love for picture books, he’s cool when he’s studying hard every day, he’s a little bit ditzy, but he’s cute in that way, and he’s serious and keeps his promises to me.

There are many other things I like about it. There are too many to list.

And I like all of them. I love it.”

“But it doesn’t have to be me……”

As if afraid of something, I deny it.

“That’s not it. It’s not like that, Sho-kun.

I’ve said a lot about you being kind and good-looking, but that’s not what’s most important.

I don’t care about logic or reason, I like you, Sho-kun.

I don’t like gentle people, I like Sho-kun.

I don’t like good-looking people, I like Sho-kun.

All reasons for liking someone are just an afterthought.

I fell in love with Sho-kun not because he was kind or good-looking, but because it’s Sho-kun.”

“Because of me…”

“So, Sho-kun. Don’t say “anyone” or “even if it’s not me”. I love you, Sho-kun, not anyone else.”

A bit of sadness leaked from her voice.

Mizui-san was just as pained and saddened by my demeaning her as she was by her entrapment, if not more so.

…… Have I ever been cared for so much by someone other than my family?

No, I have not.

I’ve never been worthy of that.

If you ask me if I’m worth it now, I’m not confident enough to nod yes.

But if I thought that way, I would make Mizui-san sad again.

I’m not the one who determines my value.

It’s a strange idea, but that’s the truth.

My value is determined by whether or not I am needed by others, and more importantly, how much I am needed.

I don’t like the idea of putting a value on people, but you can’t talk about a person’s existence just by saying nice things.

Now I’ve been told by Mizui-san that he likes me and sees value in me.

I’m both happy and…… heavy.

I’m not sure if I’m worthy enough to have you like me.

… No good. I can’t help but think negative thoughts.

The negative thought has stuck in my personality and won’t leave.

The way I am as a person is not going to change just because of a time leap.

“Thank you…… I’m glad you said that.”

It was a flimsy thanks, I thought to myself.

It seems that I was never able to like myself the way Mizui-san did.