I’m the Pay Thief at the Winery

In the sight of Kudo Shinichi, Nan Ling was caught off guard.

"...Sometimes I really hope that you can be a little bit stupid, or learn to pretend to be stupid." After a moment of stupefaction, his expression instantly became tired, "But since I have already said it, I will answer you honestly... okay .”

Kudo Shinichi didn't expect him to say that.

"Don't you think that you suddenly become so warm, which is different from your previous style?" He said sarcastically.

"Everyone has many faces." Nan Ling skimmed over the topic lightly, "Now listen to me tell you about the first person who died under my hands."

He paused, and then his expression turned cold for a moment. As if remembering the incident was enough to offend him in itself.

"He's a scum." Nan Ling said indifferently, "a wretched, despicable scum. He used the money he got from embezzlement to disguise himself beautifully, and secretly seduced/raped and even raped underage children. He did it from the age of 30 until he was 50, and the number of children who died in the basement of his house in those 20 years is beyond count. If you get there, detective."

He sneered, but it wasn't directed at Kudo Shinichi, "Their cries can probably kill you."

Kudo Shinichi also frowned, "This kind of person..."

He thought that Nan Ling's first murder was for organizing, but...

"Will you judge me for him, detective?" Nan Ling turned to look at him. Maybe it's because the moonlight tonight is as pure as fine snow, and the inorganic silver-gray pupils are filled with saintly piety, "Before that, I never killed anyone. Maybe I'm better than the one on the cross." Jesus, is more innocent than the lamb slaughtered at Passover. And he is a heinous sinner, the embodiment of the most twisted and disgusting side of human beings. Are you going to condemn me for him?"

It was hard for Kudo Shinichi to describe what was contained in that look. Being watched like this, he felt like he had inexplicably turned into a priest who was listening to the confession, but the believer was not only separated from him by the curtain of the confession room, but also separated by the long-gone time.

Whatever happened then, has happened.

He was not silent for long.

"Even if someone is going to convict you, it's not me," he said. "I'm a detective and my job is to find the truth. Your trial should be in the hands of the law. I'm not qualified."

He paused.

"Neither have you."

Nan Ling looked at him and sighed softly.

"I wish I didn't," he said, "but if the law works, why did he get away with it for decades? You know what I was thinking when I saw my sister's body? I thought, just let me kill him , even if I have to go to the eighteenth level of **** after I die-I should have killed him ten years ago."

"Your sister... sorry." Kudo Shinichi apologized sincerely, "I didn't want to force you to think of such a thing."

Nan Ling replied silently. He didn't blame Kudo Shinichi, but it didn't make him feel good to think about the past.

"...Do you think this is justice?" Kudo Shinichi asked softly.

"Of course I don't think this is justice—revenge is not justice, it's just catharsis." Nan Ling said calmly, as if discussing someone else's life, "The problem is with you, detective. Do you think this is justice?"

Kudo Shinichi gave a negative answer almost without hesitation.

"Of course the law is not perfect. But we need law just as we need reason," he said slowly. "No matter what you say, I always think that life has weight. Perhaps you are right about one thing, our Existence may be just a coincidence of evolution, and human beings have no innate purpose and meaning, but this is the meaning of our lives, isn’t it? We give meaning to ourselves-this is the meaning.”

Nan Ling said gently, "What does this have to do with justice?"

"Because life is meaningful, morality also has the meaning we give it—then deprivation of life becomes a matter that requires extreme caution. The law was born because of this." Kudo Shinichi said more and more Quick, "Humans have gathered all the rationality of human beings to create a rule as fair as possible. Only those who cross this rule need to be punished. The power to judge others should not fall into the hands of individuals. The law is not perfect, Just as human beings are not perfect. But this is our best choice, and it is also the most moral and rational choice - this is justice."

Nan Ling looked at him with a kind of relief that he didn't know where to come from, but it was more of pity.

"The hardest thing in the world to be is to be good," he said. "It's a good thing that you still believe in the good and the good. I've never been as lucky as you—but that's also your misfortune. You must always be on your toes, you must always Examine yourself, you must restrain your instincts, you must endure the wailing of innocent people. You must crucify yourself, and you must suffer eternally. Because you chose the more difficult path."

Kudo Shinichi looked at him.

"It's not the harder road," he said. "It's not an option."

These words are like a battering ram smashing open the city gate, or a shooting star that hits right in front of you. Nan Ling stared blankly at Kudo Shinichi, with a surprised expression as if he had never heard him speak before.

"You...you always surprise me tonight, detective." He realized his gaffe, turned his face and said, "forgive me, people will always feel ashamed in front of a nobler soul."

Kudo Shinichi frowned, "I don't think any of our souls is more noble than the other. The value of a person should not be determined by this. I believe you are not inherently evil. Maybe you didn't choose before and you did something wrong. But it’s too late to turn around now!”

"That's because you forgot something in my narrative. Not having killed anyone doesn't mean I was as innocent as a lamb at that time." Nan Ling said softly, "I didn't lie to you. But you shouldn't sympathize Me, sympathizing with me is insulting me."

Kudo Shinichi was taken aback. He retorted automatically, "I didn't—"

"—The first person I killed was a villain. That's true." Nan Ling said, "But I may have killed more innocent people. Killing a villain does not prove that I am righteous, and the **** experience does not prove that I am righteous." No. There is no natural justice in my world, any more than there is natural villainy in yours. None of us are wrong, detective, but when I see you teetering on the precipice of light, you see I stand in the shadows at the foot of the cliff in the dark, and we'll just feel like we're incorrigible for each other."

"I didn't think you were incorrigible!"

"I think."

Together they fell silent.

After a long time, Kudo Shinichi asked, "You won't turn yourself in, will you?"

"Look, you always ask such unsightly questions." Nan Ling sighed, "Do you want me to explain this to you?"

"Then explain it clearly." Kudo Shinichi said persistently.

For a few minutes, Nan Ling didn't say anything. Kudo Shinichi looked at his expressionless side face, under the illusion that he would remain silent like this.

Nan Ling was thinking.

In fact, the reason is also very simple - he doesn't like being locked up. Who would like to lose their freedom? What's more, after everything that Nanling has experienced. It was the most unbearable thing in the world for him.

It's not that he thinks he shouldn't be punished. It's just that there is a huge gap between "thinking I should be punished" and "voluntarily accepting punishment", which is as big as looking up at the world from hell.

But **** and earth may be equally far from heaven.

"...The world in my eyes is different from yours, Detective." Nan Ling said softly, "When I woke up on the operating table of the organization, I also wondered if I did a lot of evil in my previous life and deserved to suffer in this life , Later I found out that it was not, I was no different from those who died under my hands, we were just unlucky, because this world is so chaotic, indifferent, and disorderly. We all live in a wilderness.”

Kudo Shinichi felt his chest heavy. He licked his dry lips, "You...you are wrong. No matter how much you attribute the cause of the crime to the outside world, the person who committed the crime is still you. It is you. You choose to degenerate, but more People choose to be good people, even if there is no order in this world, we have created order, this is the meaning of human existence—we pursue a better world.”

If it were the former Kudo Shinichi—the savior of the Japanese police, the Sherlock Holmes of the Heisei era—it would not be able to say these words anyway. At that time, he knew that the law is justice, the truth is justice, and saving people is justice. However, he didn't understand why, and he didn't want to think about the reasons behind it. Satisfied with the sense of accomplishment of solving the puzzle and the fame that comes with it, he ignores the truth behind the truth.

Until that joking accident.

The experience of being "Edogawa Conan" is still vivid when I think about it. Shinichi Kudo has to admit the experience has changed him forever. Those dangerous experiences, spiraling mysteries, life-and-death challenges and moral dilemmas are a painful transformation. He also asked himself tossing and turning in the middle of the night, whether his will to pursue the truth was just some kind of despicable desire for voyeurism to satisfy his own preferences? When he brazenly peeled off the appearance layer by layer to seek the truth, did he look back and see what he peeled off? — Is what he did really right?

No one has an answer.

He just hopes that he can do better from now on.

Nan Ling turned his head and cast his gaze to the sky.

The night sky is a still black, like a bolt of soft black velvet. The stars that dot the night sky shine like diamonds.

If a person is told that all the stars are destined to go out, all traces of existence will be erased, and the universe is destined to return to eternal darkness before seeing the starry sky, can he still appreciate the beauty of the starry sky?

It is difficult for Nanling to answer this question. He has long known how complex the human brain can be, so complex that it can be ecstatic at the same time in pain; rational at the same time and emotional at the same time; UU Reading www. uukanshu.com's answer to this question is as vague as the question itself.

For no reason, he suddenly thought of a sentence from Lijian—"Everyone in this world either has a bullet in his body, or a whip scar, or a leg that was blown, or a dead baby in his heart." *

Does he have a dead baby in his heart too? Maybe, but that doesn't matter anymore.

Someone once told him that the world was a bad joke, a crude play, that all men were clowns on the stage, and that God was watching the world laughing. Nan Ling didn't think so. He feels that the world is just the world, without any kindness or malice, and he just wants to try his best to live a better life.

A pathetic, blind impulse, a Sisyphean struggle. The instinct of life.

"I really envy you, Kudo Shinichi." Nan Ling finally said, "Some people can't climb up after falling from heaven to hell. You can climb back up after falling down and seeing these things. A great thing. But you're wrong about one thing: I didn't choose to fall, because there will always be people who are not only born in hell, but never see heaven—and I didn't choose." (End of chapter)