In Search of Love

Su Xiaopei angrily glared at Ran Feize. 

Why did he have to go and act all cute and insist on playing hide and seek in the forest? They’ve all abandoned us now! What if we end up being lost? And why on earth does he not seem embarrassed about this at all?

“You…you…you…” Su Xiaopei’s voice trailed off as she flailed her finger at him, exasperated and partly annoyed by the fact that she could not think of any more words to scold this shameless man.  If she had a child that was as wilful and stubborn as him, she would definitely punish him severely, even more so if her child embarrasses her too!

Oh, yes, he did mention that when he was young, he was such a troublemaker that his father often had to chase after him with a stick, causing a huge ruckus in the village. I could fully sympathise with those villagers now. He is living proof of the saying, “a child’s personality truly reflects what kind of person he or she grows up to be”. She let out a frustrated sigh. Where did the mature, calm, and collected Warrior disappear to? 

Su Xiaopei placed her hands on her hips, still deliberating on how to berate Ran Feize further. But, Ran Feize suddenly burst out laughing after looking at her face. He lifted his arms, used one of his sleeves to dab away the sweat that gathered on Su Xiaopei’s forehead, and fanned her with his other sleeve. 

“You’re sweating, and your whole face is as red as a tomato.” 

“Whose fault is it?” He was the one who ran around, asking her to chase after him!

Ran Feize’s grin became wider. “Don’t scrunch up your face further. You’re even more likeable that way.” 

Su Xiaopei glowered at him. “Stop fooling around then. You’re even more unlikeable that way.” 

“Unlikeable?” Ran Feize cocked his head to the side childishly. “That’s terrible!”

Su Xiaopei rolled her eyes. What’s a grown adult acting cute for? Although he does look rather adorable…

Abruptly, Ran Feize’s expression changed. “Miss.” 

“What?” Su Xiaopei asked. She was always more wary when he seemed serious. 

“We are in the middle of nowhere, with no villages anywhere nearby. No one else in this vast, quiet forest except for us.” 

“So?”

“Since we have some free time to ourselves, without anyone else around that may disturb us, I have something to tell you, Miss.” 

“Okay.” Su Xiaopei gulped. The way he spoke with such seriousness began to make her feel slightly nervous. 

Ran Feize cleared his throat, contemplating which version of the script that he had previously prepared he should choose for this moment. But, when he was just about to speak, their private tranquility was racked by loud noises of horse hooves beating against the earth.  

Su Xiaopei turned to the side, her eyes widened with relief, whereas Ran Feize scowled menacingly at the same direction. 

He couldn’t believe his eyes! Why did they come back if they decided to leave in the first place?! Did they think that leaving them with nothing was insufficient to annoy him? So, instead, they just had to return at the worst time possible!

These idiots are going to frustrate me to death! 

Jiang Weiying was at the front. He quickly jumped down from his horse and placed his hands together as a show of respect. “Miss Su, Feize,” he greeted. “I apologise on behalf of my young, unruly disciple. The prank was out of line. I sincerely apologise.” 

Sect Leader Jiang had led the group forward for quite a while until he suddenly heard Ji Jiawen hollering and panting from far behind, begging for his shixiong to give him back his horse. Only then did he realise that Xiao Qi had left Ran Feize and Su Xiaopei behind, and deliberately took another horse with him as well, leaving poor Ji Jiawen running at the back, trying his best to catch up with the group. So, Jiang Weiying immediately turned around to search for the two of them.

Su Xiaopei mimicked Jiang Weiying by placing her hands against each other and said, “No worries, Sect Leader Jiang. It was Sir Warrior here who is the unruly one for making everyone wait for him. It’s alright if all of you depart first. It is not your fault, Sect Leader Jiang.”

“No, no, it is none of your faults. I will teach my young disciple a lesson for sure.”

“You are too kind. I will definitely scold Warrior as well.” 

Ran Feize and Xiao Qi stood by the side, watching the two overly polite adults bow to each other, like two parents promising to teach their own troublemaker child a lesson for their mischief. So, the two ‘troublemaker children’ shot each other a glare, and scoffed. 

Xiao Qi grumbled under his breath, “Leaving you jerk behind is not something to be regretful for, at all!” 

“Well, you should just not come back then. What’s the meaning of turning back after leaving us behind? How lame is that? If you’re really that smart you should leave us with nothing! Why leave that carriage behind? Just to annoy me? This is exactly why you are unlikely to become someone of considerable capability.”  

“Hmph!” They gave each other a dirty look and scoffed again. 

Jiang Weiying and Su Xiaopei turned to the two of them, each looking at their own ‘troublemaker child’. 

“Xiao Qi.”

“Warrior.”

“Mm.” The two of them responded nonchalantly as if their childish banter had not occurred just a few seconds ago. 

The other swordsmen stood far away from the four of them, pretending they were merely innocent bystanders with no knowledge of what was going on. Noble swordsmen would never act like them after all!

Due to their interruption, Ran Feize could not continue to speak his mind to Su Xiaopei. He was silently fuming for the rest of the journey. It was so obvious to the point that anyone could see the words “I’m very unhappy” written on his face. He felt even more miserable when Su Xiaopei did not try to cheer him up. 

Su Xiaopei was deep in her own thoughts. She did not want to coax him because she had a bad feeling about what he was about to say back there, but she refused to believe her instincts were true. It was probably because she got too close to him over time and it wouldn’t be the best if this went on further, but neither could she leave him, nor did she want to. Stuck in a dilemma, she decided to sweep all these thoughts under the rug and convince herself to focus on other matters.  

When they arrived in Wu Town, Su Xiaopei asked Liu Xiang and Bai Yulang about Luo Ling’er’s death. Bai Yulang brought over Hao Wei, the constable of Ping Zhou City, and explained the clues they found around Luo Ling’er’s corpse. There was not much out of the ordinary, only the letter that Luo Ling’er held, detailing Su Xiaopei’s murder. 

Bai Yulang did not understand why Su Xiaopei was still asking about this when they had all been through this previously. So he said, “We will find out why Luo Ling’er wanted to kill you, Big Sister. Do not worry.” 

Su Xiaopei nodded absentmindedly. She could not share her worries with anyone, much less Bai Yulang. Fu Yan’s dying message was a constant thorn in the back of her mind, sending chills down her spine every time she thought about it. Although she was not afraid of dying and then coming back alive again, she could not feel relieved when someone spoke of her death with such conviction like it’s a curse. 

Later, Su Xiaopei suggested that she wanted to visit the place where Luo Ling’er died. 

Hao Wei instantly agreed to help. Before his superior, Head Constable Du Chengming, left Linglong Mountain to deal with work matters in Ping Zhou City, he had instructed Hao Wei to help out the fellow constables of Ning’an City and Miss Su as well. Hence, Hao Wei led Su Xiaopei, Ran Feize, Bai Yulang, and a few others to visit the house in Ping Zhou City where Luo Ling’er died. Coincidentally, Du Chengming and Head Constable Qin were also in Ping Zhou City, so all of them went together to investigate. 

The house was beyond shabby. Hao Wei dutifully informed Su Xiaopei of the owner’s name, his identity, and the exact date when he rented this house out to Luo Ling’er.  

Ran Feize, despite being aware that Su Xiaopei was purposefully keeping a distance from him, put his emotions aside and focused on the task at hand. He glanced around the house interior and suddenly had an idea. He moved the table that was placed against the wall, only to find a hidden compartment behind the table. When he opened it, he realised it was empty. 

He immediately looked at Su Xiaopei, who also met his eyes. For a moment, they held each other’s gaze in silence. 

Bai Yulang noticed Ran Feize’s actions and went over to investigate as well. “I wonder what was hidden here.” 

Not long after, Hao Wei went out to bring the house owner here for questioning. The owner claimed that he did not know about the hidden compartment behind the table. He told the group that this was a new table that Luo Ling’er made, to replace his old table, so he would not know what was placed inside. Su Xiaopei also asked him several other questions and confirmed that he was not lying at all. 

It was a fruitless investigation, so everyone went back to Wu Town, except for Du Chengming and Head Constable Qin who stayed behind, as they were heading to Ning’an City the next day. 

The next day, Su Xiaopei was writing her diary early in the morning. 

Abruptly, she heard a few knocks on the door. It was Bai Yulang. 

“Uncle Ran, hurry and take a look at the noticeboard in town.” He urged. 

“Why?”

“There is a new notice up on the board, with strange glyphs, similar to Big Sister’s writings. A crowd had gathered there to check it out already.” 

Su Xiaopei froze for a second, while Ran Feize frowned. They glanced at each other before rushing out the door. 

There was a huge wall in Wu Town that was designated for official notices, erected behind the fight arena. The arena itself was an ordinary stage made up of slate stone panels. In the past, there were often incidents of townspeople quarreling over various matters which escalated into violent fights. In order to settle the fights in a fair and just way, they would meet up at a specified place to hold a match. Over time, the fight arena became the hotspot for the townspeople to gather around. Then, people began to use this place to spread information. Notices were also put up on the wall behind the fight arena from time to time. Gradually, this area was turned into a place where official information was announced and where gossip was spread. Many people came here to put up notices for various reasons, such as to find a lost item or a missing person, to challenge another group of people, or even to publicly protest about something. Various sects that were recruiting disciples also put up their recruitment notices here. 

Now that there was a strange notice with writings similar to that of Su Xiaopei’s, she had to go take a look for herself. 

Ran Feize accompanied Su Xiaopei to the noticeboard. With just one glimpse, his heart sank. He glanced at Su Xiaopei anxiously. He did not know what it meant, but he had seen these glyphs before. It was something he would never forget. 

Who are you

Colour drained from Su Xiaopei’s face. 

Is this your doing, Cheng Jiangyi?

“Who put this up?” Ran Feize asked. 

Bai Yulang shook his head. “Not sure. No one saw. Someone probably did it in the middle of the night.” 

Ran Feize quickly glanced around at their surroundings. There were many people who came over to check out this strange notice, including members from various sects. Ran Feize inched closer to Su Xiaopei. He would never forget the previous time when Su Xiaopei had received the same message. She disappeared soon after. 

But, in the previous time, a letter was delivered secretly. Why was this same message placed here for everyone to see? 

“What is written on it?” Ran Feize asked in a low voice. 

“He is asking who I am.” Su Xiaopei’s eyes were glued to the notice, her voice almost a quiet murmur.

Ran Feize wrapped his hands around hers. In response, Su Xiaopei’s fingers curled tightly around his and she placed them over their joined hands as well.

A chill trickled down her spine as she repeated her words. “He asked who I am.” 

These three words…were like a curse…

After they returned to their house, Su Xiaopei sat down and stared into nothing. Her chest was weighed down by anxiousness and unease. 

Ran Feize gave her some time to be alone. But, as she had sat in the same spot for too long, he strode over and squatted down before her. 

“Warrior.” Su Xiaopei’s eyes flitted over to his face. “I got it wrong the last time.” 

Ran Feize gently asked, “Got what wrong?”

“I thought he was trying to test me. But, now, when I think back on it again, I don’t think that is truly the case.” 

Ran Feize held her hand and squeezed lightly, attempting to comfort her. 

Su Xiaopei lowered her head, looking at his larger, calloused hands that wrapped around hers, and whispered, “He wasn’t trying to ask who I am, instead, he meant…who do I think I am.”

T/N: This is the difference between a normal question of “Who are you?” and a taunting sentence with the phrase “Who are you to …”. or “Who do you think you are” eg. Who are you to think you’re good enough / Who do you think you are to say you’re good enough?

He was taunting me. But why? Did he develop a superiority complex after transmigrating to this place because he had the knowledge of modern civilisation? Was he repulsed by the fact that I am here as well? Just like the old saying, “two tigers cannot reside together on the same mountain”? I don’t understand…Cheng Jiangyi shouldn’t have such a personality. Besides, he should be just like her when she just arrived here—helpless, weak, unfamiliar with the local dialects, and unequipped with survival skills. Even if he had vast modern knowledge, he wouldn’t be likely to do anything he wished here. The people in this here have their own set of rules that we have to abide by to survive, so anyone from the modern world who comes here would suffer greatly in the process of adapting. 

Besides, patriarchal values are deeply rooted in society here. Although people looked down on me for being a woman, they do not have much expectation of what I should do. I was fortunate to have Ran Feize taking care of me, and Constable Qin supporting me in my work as well. But, Cheng Jiangyi is different, he is a man. If he was as helpless as her here it would be tougher for him to survive. 

So, why did he taunt me? Why is he acting all mysterious like this, expressing his repulse indirectly? 

Could it be Cheng Jiangyi that was responsible for her death the previous time? But, what about Luo Ling’er then? Why was Fu Yan so sure that she had died before? What is the connection between all of them? I analysed Cheng Jiangyi’s character once. There was no chance he could turn into someone like this!

T/N: The mention of the FL analysing Cheng Jiangyi’s character was during her third transmigration back to the modern world where she did an in-depth research about Cheng Jiangyi’s life in the modern world in Chapter 54. 

“Miss.” Ran Feize took in the changes in Su Xiaopei’s expression, his eyes filled with care and worry for her. He liked it when she scrunched up her face as she retorted back at his jokes and teases. She was beyond adorable when she was annoyed at him, with her pursed lips and furrowed eyebrows. She would also tug at his heartstrings when she spoke with brimming confidence. Although she often used strange, unfamiliar words, her eyes sparkled radiantly with intelligence, inspiring others with her wisdom. 

It pained him to see her like this. Helpless, lost, and perplexed.

“Miss.” He was right beside her, but he couldn’t shield her from the darkness that was closing in, causing him to feel helpless as well. 

“Warrior.” Su Xiaopei’s eyes flickered from Ran Feize’s toes up to his face, and then back down again. This repeated several times as she hesitated to tell him what she was really thinking. 

She couldn’t care less about the rest, but when it comes to Ran Feize, she needed to explain everything in the least hurtful way. If any uncanny incidents occur again, she would not want him to feel despondent for her.

“Warrior, if I suddenly went missing, or… I mean, no matter what happens…just like the previous time, with blood splattered everywhere, or perhaps anything weirder than that…and I am no longer to be found, do not worry. If I disappeared, that means I had no other choice, but I will be safe.” 

Su Xiaopei didn’t dare to say whether they would meet again, but she hoped that her words could make him worry less about the unexpected. She knew that anyone else would assume Su Xiaopei had gone insane for saying such bizarre words, but if it was Ran Feize, he would accept them with open arms for sure. 

“What would happen?” Ran Feize reacted just as how she expected, calmly and unsurprised.

“I’m not sure either.” 

Ran Feize gazed at Su Xiaopei with deep, earnest emotions swirling in his eyes. “I could hardly stop worrying when you catch the slightest cold or if you had to starve a second longer, much less if you went missing.” 

Su Xiaopei widened her eyes slightly. There was something in his voice that touched her heart. But, she felt anxious as well. He made her feel an unfamiliar emotion, which had been bothering her all this while. It caused her heartbeat to quicken, yet made her feel deeply conflicted at the same time. Part of her was looking forward to it, but the other part of her was afraid, sad, and at a loss for what to do about it. 

Now, she could do nothing but stare at Ran Feize with a blank expression.  

Is he really going to say the words that I think he’s going to say?…

But, instead of saying another word, Ran Feize pulled her into his arms into a warm embrace. 

Su Xiaopei felt her heart thump loudly in her chest and her mind went completely quiet. At that moment, she could not believe that all she noticed were the well-defined muscles on his chest, his wide shoulders, his pleasant scent, and his heartbeat that raced just like hers. 

“Miss, my surname is Ran, whereas my name is Feize. When I was a child, a terrible flood destroyed my home village and I lost both my parents. I was born on the thirteenth day in the first month of the lunar calendar and currently, I am over twenty-nine years old. I am healthy and strong, I do not have any bad habits at all and I am a man of honour. I am also rather skilled in making furniture and other basic items. Although it would not be anything extravagant, I could provide Miss with a comfortable home. There is a limited variety of dishes that I could cook, but I could make sure all of them fit your taste. Although I do not have warehouses filled with gold and silver, I could earn enough money to provide you with everything you need, as much expensive tooth sticks, cleaning pastes, and bath soaps as you want.” 

As Su Xiaopei listened, her face flushed a bright red colour. But, she felt increasingly anxious and nervous as well. She wanted to lift her head up, but Ran Feize merely tightened his arms around her. “You see, Miss, it is not hard to find a priceless treasure, but it is difficult to find a loving man. My feelings for you are genuine, and I wish to stay with you as your husband and grow old together. Do you?”

Su Xiaopei felt her heartbeat going out of control. What’s going on? I was in the midst of telling him that I might disappear and he…proposes?! I was trying to stop him from saying stuff like this, but I didn’t expect him to just skip over everything and go straight to play the ‘checkmate’ move.

“I-I…” Su Xiaopei stuttered for a while before she gritted her teeth and said,  “I can’t.”

Abruptly, Su Xiaopei could feel his arms around her body loosening slightly. She did not dare to lift up her head and see his expression. 

Would he blame and hate me? He was so kind to me all this time, and I relied on him, wholeheartedly. But…no! Su Xiaopei bit her lip as she persuaded herself. It’s impossible for them to be together. 

Once she had decided, she lifted her head and met his eyes. 

“You’re so cruel, Miss.” He raised an eyebrow at her, speaking in a calm tone. 

After looking at his expression, Su Xiaopei felt tears prickling in her eyes. “Warrior…” Her voice quavered, so she immediately stopped talking.  

“Mm.” Ran Feize smiled, lifting a thumb to smoothen out the crease in between her eyebrows.  “I’m the one being rejected here. You cannot cry before me, Miss, that would not be right.” 

His tone was lighthearted. She knew he was joking and that she should respond with a laugh. However, more tears gathered in the corner of her eyes. She hurriedly sucked in a deep breath and blinked the tears away.

“Please don’t resent me, Warrior.” 

“Oh, but I have to. I’m at this age already and I got rejected after proposing for the very first time in my life. How could I not resent you?” He played along with her words and gave her another smile. 

“Warrior.” Apart from calling his nickname, she was at a loss and did not know what else to say. This was also her very first time being proposed to! But, she would never have expected her to become like this. In the past, she was forced to go on countless blind dates and was able to deal with each and every one of them perfectly with her wittiness and quick thinking. Yet, when it comes to Ran Feize, she was at a loss for words, and worse, her heart was filled with sadness. 

But there is no chance for us to be together…

“Warrior.” Su Xiaopei could not bear it anymore, so she hugged him. “I’m sorry.” She was going to leave someday, not of her own volition. She had no right to any relationships in this world, nor did she have the right to promise him anything. She did not even dare to deliberate further about why her heart still couldn’t keep still. She had no right after all. 

“You should say ‘I apologise’,” Ran Feize corrected her. 

Su Xiaopei laughed softly, but tears fell from her eyes. She buried her face in his shoulder, not wanting to let him see her crying. 

Ran Feize gently stroked her hair. “If you dirty my robes, Miss, I would have to punish you to wash them. Unfortunately, the clothes that you wash are always not clean enough. How concerning.”

“You’re still being childish at this age. I am concerned for you too, Warrior.”

“I am rejected by my beloved lady, that is truly concerning.” 

The conversation went back to the earlier topic again. Su Xiaopei contemplated for a while but was still unable to think of anything else, so she said, “I’m sorry,” then instantly corrected herself, “I apologise.”

Ran Feize continued to stroke her hair while asking in a soft voice, “Why?”

“I cannot stay here forever.” 

“When I first met my master, I never expected that I would become his disciple in the future. So, Miss, nothing is fixed in this world. How do you know what will happen in the future?”

“I’m not sure about the rest, but I know this for sure.” 

“Then, we will deal with it when the time comes. What is important is the present. Leave future matters to another day.”

“But, I already know I was bound to leave one day. Why waste your time too?”

“It is not a waste when you have not left yet. Your firm rejection is a waste of time.” 

Su Xiaopei fell silent. He truly has a way with words…

”Warrior.” Su Xiaopei attempted to persuade him again, to not leave any regrets in his heart. “You do know that there are many strange, inexplicable things about me…”

“Are you a demoness, Miss?”

“No.”

“Even if you are, what is the problem?”

“No.”

“So, there are no problems at all.”

Su Xiaopei parted her lips, trying to think of something to refute him before falling silent again. 

I seem to be losing against his quick wits…

“Warrior.” Su Xiaopei tried again. “Warrior, I have to leave in the end. This is not up to me to decide. I will leave, for sure.” 

“I left you too, Miss. Do you remember? My heart longed to stay, yet I had no choice but to leave as well.” 

Su Xiaopei felt her heartbeat quicken again and her cheeks felt hotter than seconds ago. 

My face must be flushed again… Su Xiaopei parted her lips again, then she gave up and bit her lips. I really can’t win…

“You have feelings for me, and I like you very much. Since our feelings are mutual, we should stay together, until our hairs turn grey.” 

“Wait.” Su Xiaopei finally found something to say. “I’ve never said I had feelings for you.”

“Do you need to, though?” Ran Feize looked into her eyes earnestly.  “Miss, if you can look at yourself right now, you would not have said that.” 

Look at myself? Su Xiaopei understood what he meant instantly and her face turned beet red. 

“Your eyes and your facial expression are telling me ‘I like you very much, Warrior!’.” Ran Feize mimicked her. 

Su Xiaopei felt her face was going to burn up into flames sooner or later if he kept this up. So, she glared at him, until he blushed as well. 

He muttered, “You personally taught me the tricks to reading people, Miss.” 

Hah! I don’t see you using it for proper reasons. Su Xiaopei thought sarcastically. 

“How about I make a mirror for you to analyse on your own?”

Ugh! How shameless can you get! I don’t see you trying to stop blushing!

Su Xiaopei did not want to retort, so the two of them ended up staring at each other silently for a long while. 

In the end, Ran Feize cleared his throat before asking, “So, what do you think? Miss.” 

Su Xiaopei also cleared her throat, trying to make her voice sound stern. “Anyhow… regardless….it’s a no.”