It's My First Time Being Loved

Chapter 6
 

***

 

I should have thought about it a bit more before doing it.

 

I seriously thought as I saw people coming and going in front of my cradle.

 

‘Am I being too relaxed?’

 

Maybe I was being complacent because there was no one pushing in a blade.

 

No matter how cute it was to see my sister smile.

 

Let’s not get attached. That was the number one principle I’ve learned in my many lives.

 

It was partly because I won’t make it past 20 years old, but also because I knew that one-sided affection is only painful.

 

Because when I lived my single-digit lives, I tried my best to live with hope.

 

‘For those who already consider me a monster, I know that no matter how hard I try, they won’t look after me.’

 

No, rather, I would face a harsher situation with affection as collateral.

 

Therefore, it was a serious principle in its own way not to give or receive (affection).

 

However………

 

‘I’ve never seen anyone so affectionate like this before…..’

 

Even though I was born being wary of this and that, I didn’t know about this.

 

The fact that my older sister saw me smile through “Peek-a-boo” seemed to spread quickly.

 

“My lady, look here! Peek-a-boo!”

 

“I can make an even stranger face! Look at me!”

 

The maids made extraordinary faces as if they were challenging themselves.

 

No, it wasn’t just the maids.

 

The doctor who came to see me regularly.

 

“Hmm, hmm. When my daughter was young, when I made a face like this, she would burst into laughter even after crying.”

 

With a face full of anticipation, he made a funny face with his whole body.

 

Of course, my father also participated.

 

“Our youngest, look at dad~!”

 

Wasting a dignified and handsome face to the fullest.

 

Of course, everyone failed to bring laughter out of me.

 

‘………I didn’t mean to trouble you.’

 

Of course, I held back a bit of laughter.

 

Because we need to be less affectionate.

 

I originally didn’t express my emotions that much.

 

It was like that in my first life, and the more I lived, I became even more dull.

 

I thought that they would let go of me even before the reincarnation was over if I slowly became sorrowful.

 

[—let go as in end her life]

 

I didn’t want to live long, but I also didn’t want to give up (on my own).

 

So there were times when I wanted them to harass me more persistently.

 

Anyway, to me, the people here were all unique and fascinating.

 

‘Usually, people get angry when they try and the results don’t follow.’

 

They expect however they want and get angry however they want.

 

I’ve seen so many people like that.

 

But the people here are……

 

“As expected, I’m not as good as Lady Laurentia! I’ll practice more!” (maids)

 

“Hmm, hmm. I’ll have to see my daughter to understand even more.” (doctor)

 

“I’ll have to ask Laurentia to teach me again.” (dad)

 

Far from being disappointed when I didn’t laugh, they studied more funny faces.

 

Thanks to that, it was getting harder to hold back my laughter.

 

‘Is it even possible to tell these people not to be affectionate?’

 

As I struggled to hold back my smile, I also had the thought that it didn’t seem to have that much effect on them.

 

I wriggled my hands and feet to the fullest, I might have to make different plans, it wasn’t like me to begin having hope.

 

* * *

 

I heard a low voice.

 

It was a tone that sounded similar to my mother’s, but it sounded both young and gentle.

 

When I slowly opened my eyes as if possessed, I realized who the owner of the voice was.

 

“Are you up, Anastasia?”

 

It was Damian, my older brother who was five years older than me.

 

His neat, rose-gold hair and olive-green eyes, a little darker than my older sister’s or father’s, matched his unique calm atmosphere.

 

“You didn’t cry even after waking up. How can our Anastasia be so kind.”

 

My older brother smiled in a manner that didn’t look like a six-year-old, and stretched out his small hand to my forehead.

 

“I was very worried, because mother said you had a fever yesterday.”

 

It was a short slight fever common in babies.

 

Of course, the whole house was a mess all night long.

 

The doctor rushed to me at once and gave me fever reducer, and my mother wouldn’t leave me all night.

 

“My baby, you’re having a hard time like this, what should we do. Mom would rather be the one in pain instead…..”

 

Along with kind words that I heard for the first time in my life.

 

‘Really, the people here are so overprotective…’

 

Overprotective with my life.

 

I thought that it was a word that didn’t go well with me.

 

‘I’m never going to die just like that…’

 

I liked the word that didn’t suit my life, although it’s a bit awkward.

 

Even more so, considering that it’s an experience that will probably never happen again.

 

It has already been more than a month since I was born and started living in this house.

 

At this point, I decided to just accept the good things I have now.

 

I’m not that persistent enough to continuously be wary and doubt them.

 

‘I’ll just think of it as celebrating the 100th.’

 

Maybe I was being given a break after being crazily pushed into a trashy life 99 times.

 

No, I don’t know what’s going to happen in this life either.

 

All of this could be a prelude to great misfortune.

 

‘That’s why, it’s better to let the good things be left as they are.’

 

So I don’t regret it later.

 

It was also a rule that I carved into my bones throughout my many lives.

 

Misfortune will always happen, so we shouldn’t be relieved too much, but let’s enjoy the good things when it’s good.

 

‘Cause there’s always been too little to count as luck.

 

Even if it’s a hero’s name, or a ducal family.

 

Although buried, it’s somehow a sign of misfortune.

 

‘The fact that my father is such a good person… seems to be limited to my family.’

 

When I saw him do that to the doctor, I thought that I wouldn’t have to worry too much.

 

Family….

 

As expected, I can’t believe that I’m inside that fence, either.

 

“Our Anastasia, what are you thinking about?”

 

As I pondered over my life plan for a long time and wriggled, my brother slightly smiled as he asked.

 

“With such a serious face.”

 

My brother said as he tapped my soft cheek with his knuckles.

 

“Brother brought a present, will it be alright?”

 

Present?

 

I blinked and stared at my brother.

 

Perhaps he accepted that as an expression of expectation, my brother raised the corners of his mouth and held out the present forward.

 

“It’s your big brother’s tiger doll.”

 

Huh?!

 

I was very embarrassed when I saw my brother shaking his doll shyly.

 

‘That’s my brother’s favorite doll…..’

 

Of course, he didn’t always carry it around like my sister.

 

My brother was very mature, unlike his age, and he was already being educated as the duke’s successor.

 

He was so mature to the extent that when my older sister scribbled in brother’s book, he didn’t get angry, but asked why.

 

“Why did you want to scribble on the book your older brother read?”

 

“Brother seemed to be having a hard time with books so…… And then, brother can rest, too.”

 

“So our Laurentia wanted her brother to rest, didn’t she? But that’s alright. Because I like books. So if you want to play with your brother, can you ask him to play instead of bothering the book?”

 

I could hear everything vividly because it happened next to my cradle, but I couldn’t help but doubt my ears.

 

Like how in the world could a six-year-old have such a broad heart.

 

No, even a 16-year-old would find that difficult.

 

That tiger doll was the only thing that such an older brother had a childish attachment to.

 

‘My sister couldn’t sleep, so she even took the deer doll back….’

 

For your information, I also had an attachment doll prepared by my parents.

 

I just wasn’t very interested.

 

‘Just why on earth would you give it to me?’

 

Should I cry? If I do, my brother will be ‘Were you scared of tigers?’ I’m sure he’ll take it back.

 

‘Instead……Unlike my sister, I feel like he’ll really be hurt….’

 

At that time, my sister’s innocence worked well.

 

However, since my brother is a considerate person, it was clear that he would prioritize soothing me when I whine.

 

In addition, forget about being detached, my brother was sure to do that.

 

Since I’m young and I’m his sister.

 

‘It’s obvious that I won’t be able to achieve my goal, but to hurt a child’s feelings would really make me a bad guy.’

 

But that doesn’t mean I can just take it.

 

While I was confused, as if my brother noticed my serious expression, with a clear laugh, he said.

 

“Laurentia said so. About Anastasia laughing when she made a funny face, but she also talked about my tiger doll.”

 

What, don’t tell me right now…….

 

“I also tried to make a funny face, but it didn’t work out well…..”

 

The reason why he’s giving me his attachment doll–.

 

“Brother will give you this, so can I see our youngest’s smiling face?”

 

Then he carefully put the tiger doll on my bedside.

 

‘What on earth are these siblings……’

 

It must have been determined to shake my soul.

 

‘How on earth do I refuse this…..?’

 

He even put out his precious doll and said he wanted to see it, but is it more important to not smile?

 

‘That can’t be true…’

 

I smiled bitterly inside.

 

I might regret these choices one day.

 

But……

 

‘I’m protecting a child’s world.’

 

Even though I knew it was sophistry, I just waved the white flag.

 

[sophistry— the use of false arguments, especially with the intention of deceiving.]

 

[waving the white flag means surrendering]

 

“Kyaa.”

 

Without realizing it, I was even making this strange sound characteristic of a baby.

 

However, there was no shame or regret.

 

“Wow, she really laughed. Our Anastasia did……!”

 

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Because the older brother, who always smiled as if he was restrained, had an innocent face like a child.

 

And I made one resolution.

 

In this life, these people, as long as my family does not turn away, let’s live a little bit more motivated.