Julius Caesar

"See?" Samara gasped, shaking her head vigorously. "No, no, Caesar, I can't-" she started frantically and I frowned.

"You will, Samara. This isn't an option. I have to get you undercover so we can meet without anyone having suspicions-" I said urgently, clenching my teeth.

"You're being followed?" Her lips parted and her face paled.

I sighed wearily. "Not really, but that could be possible."

"But I can't-" she repeated, her voice quavering as her shaky fingers reached her lips to brush them.

"But why?" I asked perplexedly. I didn't see it logical that she -or anyone for all that matters- would refuse to regain their vision.

"I'm too scared-" she then murmured, wiping away silent tears. "There'll be no one for me-"

"Nonsense. I am here for you," I asserted, feeling slightly irritated.

"Are you really?" she asked, pursing her lips and slightly tilting her head. "I don't even know you. I don't know how you know all that. I don't even know how I'm still here despite all those revelations. I don't know if any sane person would've done what-"

Alright. That was it. A change of gears was in order. I cut her off.

"Samara, love, we are not in a very good position here and the worst thing you can do is be uncooperative. We haven't got time. You have to overcome any-" I stated reasonably and she interrupted.

"I might be permanently blind! Besides," she paused, gulped. "-I -uh- don't want to see," she dropped the bomb and my eyebrows shot up to the bloody North Pole.

"You what? What do you mean?" I breathed aghast. "You cannot be-"

"I like my life. I like my cards. I mean, what if I don't survive the operation?" She asked, facing me with horror written all over her face.

"What?" I screwed my face in disbelief. "Of course, you'll survive it! What are you saying? In fact, if you don't do that, you might actually die-"

"There's nothing worth seeing. There's nothing worth all its pain. I don't think blindness is a total curse. I think it protects you from the world's cruelness in its own way," she said sadly and I raised a brow.

I needed a new tactic. I couldn't let this go.

"But don't you want revenge from the person who killed your dad?" I asked quickly and her head snapped to me.

"I do."

"Then you have to be strong enough to tackle him. You have to be able to see. At least," I explained softly and she gulped.

"I'm too scared-"

"Amanda and I are here for you. Please think about it. Samara. Please. What I'm doing now -just talking to you, dammit- could be risking both our lives. So you have to be fast in deciding," I pressed.

"Okay," she whispered after a long pause.

"Oh, and Samara?" I inhaled sharply, suddenly remembering something important.

"Not a creature on Earth should know what we talked about. Especially Amanda. The last thing I'd want to deal with is a concerned guardian, okay? Of course, you'll have to tell her about your surgery, but be smart about your reasoning. Please."

"Okay," she repeated. "I have to go."

She got up and I immediately followed suit, my heart still on my tongue's tip "Are you sure you're alright?" I asked, stopping her in her tracks.

"I will be," she breathed.

She then walked relentlessly away from me as my heartbeat slowed. Feeling like she didn't believe me and that she wouldn't consider what I said, I disappointedly made my way to the café to supposedly meet Augustus.

...

I examined a new waitress in the café as she leaned flirtatiously to take a guy's order. I looked at her big arse and unbuttoned V-necked shirt; thus revealing her cleavage and a cross necklace.

I stared at the lady holding the baby in awe. She shifted her and her baby's weight from one leg to the other as she conversed animatedly with the cashier. I let my eyes travel along her length until they stopped on the baby- a girl in a pink dress and a baby-blue ribbon, no older than six months.

By now, I thought, Audrey would've given birth. I shook my head and looked away.

After fifteen more minutes and two more cups of coffee, Augustus still didn't show up. I tapped my feet in impatience. Where the hell was he? Was this some stupid joke?- was all I could think about as I eyed the door in disp.l.e.a.s.u.r.e.

I heard the 'ding' of the entrance bell and looked up but it wasn't him. Feeling beside myself with ferocity and humiliation that I showed up in the first place, I took out some bills and instantly left.

I was soon out in the cold, crisp wintery breeze. The sun had already set and people littered the damp streets. I couldn't deny my disappointment, but I shouldn't have forgotten that I was waiting for a son of a bitch.

Time was torturing me, I realized.

It was painfully slow and mundane. It beat the seconds and minutes out of me as I awaited a change to occur. A climax to be reached. Days passed pathetically uselessly. Every day was a day closer to my death that I solely believed would be due to the abuse of time.

Augustus called me almost twenty times a day and I never answered. He didn't deserve my acknowledgement after what he did. Any hope that I had got a back was obliterated. I guessed Father was right, I'd never want to see him again and that nothing tied us but dirty blood.

Samara never called, and to add to my fright, she never showed up at the park either. And my imagination was quite limited. I had no idea what took her so long.

Add to that, my Father giving me two delightful surprise visits when I would just idly stare at him, while he blabbered about how 'proud' he was of me for returning to who I 'really' was and remembering my 'duties'. And I would just stare and gnaw my cheeks as he patted my back.

I realized I hadn't talked for days. Nothing to talk about, nobody to talk to. It was okay. I was accustomed to this silence that hugged me in my loneliness.

I was doing some push-ups to strengthen my left arm when the doorbell rang out of nowhere. I pushed myself off the ground with a grunt and made my way to the door. It was probably Father, gratifying me with his presence again.

I glanced at my watch. Eighteen-hundred-hours.

I wiped the sweat off my face with my shirt before boredly yanking the door open. Then there I was, standing and staring at none other than Augustus.

He looked ashen, I thought. He was hollow-cheeked with blood-shot, dull eyes and a weak, defeated posture. Even the way he dressed was different. A black hoodie and black pants. Not dashing as usual.

I sized him up angrily.

"Rom-Julius-"

I immediately cut him off. "Why the hell are you here?! Who the hell sent you? How dare you? Leave!" I bellowed angrily and he winced.

"No-one sent me, mate. Please, just list-" His eyes were pleading and truly sad. But I ignored that. I had to ignore that.

"Go back to your daddy and let him do the listening, you son of a bitch!" I barked and was shocked when he leapt at me and threw a punch in my face.

I held my jaw in anger and glared at his suddenly livid face. But to his immense horror, I clutched his shirt with both my hands and forcefully dragged him inside after kicking the door shut.

I didn't want to disturb the neighbours.

I pushed him into the living room where he stumbled on a couch and collapsed on it. He looked up at me petrified as I approached him dangerously. I was about to obliterate him when he just... burst into tears.

I stared blankly, stepping back and lowering my fist as my angry energy dissipated in the air.

"It wasn't her fault, Julius. It wasn't-" He gasped, wiping his eyes with his hoodie's sleeves.

I sized him up again but faltered when I saw how defeated and vulnerable he was. He wasn't here to harm me.

I scowled nevertheless at his words. "She f.u.c.k.e.d a married man, for God's sake!"

He sniffed before adjusting himself on the couch. I stared down at him, waiting for an invalid excuse. Nothing could ever make his mother's situation any better in my eyes.

"But it wasn't! It wasn't her fault that she fell in love! That couldn't have been a mistake! Dad loved her!" He argued defensively with a thick voice as he peered up at me through his platinum-blond hair.

"I don't give a damn! That's what he told Mum too! That he ′loved' her," I ridiculed wildly.

Augustus looked away and I frowned.

"What did you come here-" I started impatiently but he interrupted.

"Was it her fault then?" He sniffed and caught my eyes. "Sam?"

He whispered her name as tears came rolling down his blood-shot eyes. I was about to open my mouth but the intensity of the emotions swirling under the blueness of his irises shut me up.

"It wasn't, was it?" He continued, wiping his tears with the heels of his hands. "It's not fair that she died in my arms before I could do anything to help her. It's not fair that the last thing she said was how much she loved me for-for years. It's not fair she left me alone after that! It's not fair that I haven't had enough of her-" He sobbed his heart out and I stood, staring at his status in shock.

"It's also not fair-" He gasped for air. "-that the person behind my heartbreak is my dad. The person I thought cared the most about me-" He said, his breath hitching. "It's also not fair that when I turned to my only friend, my brother, he blocked me out and simply cut me off. That's not fair."

He looked away and my heart sank involuntarily. I surprised myself by the grief that touched my heart at his situation. I didn't even know what to do- Should I go and comfort him? Or should I block him out for his mother's and our father's mistake?

I sighed heavily and approached him slowly before sitting next to him on the couch. He sniffed more and I felt his sadness seep so easily and readily through me. I looked at him but he still looked away. I hesitantly wrapped an arm around him with a heavy sigh. He didn't give in.

"Look, Augustus," I started with difficulty, furrowing my eyebrows and ransacking my mind for any good-natured words that'd accurately describe the mixture of feelings I felt. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say, really." I breathed out honestly. "I have my doubts too, you know? I, for a second, thought you sold me out to Father. And I was angry, okay? I -uh- was very angry," I s.u.c.k.e.d in my lower lip then released it.

"I know-" I continued. "I know I shouldn't blame you for something you weren't really responsible for but I just couldn't help it." I finished artistically, but he still wouldn't give in as he sniffed more.

I sighed and clenched my teeth in irritation. Not only was this conversation uncomfortable and emotional, but it also exhausted all my communication skills. I was forcing the words out despite the fact that I really meant them. I simply wasn't used to being nice. And actually meaning it.

"And about Sam-" I continued, nevertheless. "-I honestly don't know who to blame this on. Myself, because I got her caught up in something that she wasn't really a part of? Or Father, who uselessly wasted her life?" I breathed out softly but solidly, not knowing the answer. "And for that, I'm sorry too."

He didn't turn to me and he even shrugged off my arm. I then clasped my hands between my legs, elbows on t.h.i.g.hs, and sighed, irritated by my ineffectiveness. I wanted to see him talk and laugh, despite the bitterness I still carried toward him. Because this bitterness was much more merciful than the bitterness stirred by his despondency.

So I decided to open up to help ease his pain.

"Look. I know what you're feeling because I went through what you're going through and maybe even worse," I turned my head toward him. His figure was slumped on the couch, not facing me, leaving me his hair to stare at. "It took me almost a year to retrieve myself from the grasp of misery. And I'm not sure if I've really succeeded in that," I pointed out, staring at the coffee table in front of me. "I think I recovered when I believed that they were in a better place, without me.

"I mean, look around you, Gustus," I frowned. "Look at our world. The world we're living in is dark. It has this haunting darkness to it. And it's getting worse. We're constantly lying to ourselves by ignoring all the misfortunes that are happening around us and engrossing ourselves in some shallow p.l.e.a.s.u.r.es. We don't really want to look. We're too scared to start believing that we're living in a sinister place we call home. Who told you what could've happened if she lived? You never know, Gustus. But now she's safe and in much better hands," I finished, feeling my eyes water at the harshness and reality of my words.

"They're all safe now," I whispered finally and turned to him to find him glaring at me with his raw, ice-blue eyes. He then frowned deeply before just breaking down in more tears. I shook my head sadly before instinctively wrapping my arms around his shaking body as he sobbed between my arms. I felt my heart break for him because I had nothing more to give to help him. I'd done my level best, considering the fact that every time I looked at him, I remembered Father's betrayal to Mum.

I remember my brother crying for a long time before he simply collapsed in deep sleep on my l.a.p.s.

I left Augustus sleeping and decided it was time to do some 'grocery shopping'. It was naturally the most insipid process ever, but I was in grave need of some tissues, bread, jam, and cigarettes. I walked down the canned food aisle where I usually found my jam- strawberry jam, picked two jars and was about to turn and leave, when my name was called.

"Romeo! Long time, no see!" The cheerful voice came and I turned smiling- actually sincerely smiling because I guess I was very grateful to see her -Caroline- alive. She stood straight with the widest beam on her face, in a red sweater and black jeans, with her golden hair up in a neat ponytail.

"How are you?" I asked importantly, eyeing whom I guessed was her mother who was observing the contents of some canned beans with one hand while the other hand held onto a trolley.

"Better than ever!" She exclaimed, her hazel eyes glistening with glee.

"That's the best news I've heard all day," I said truthfully as my eyes wandered over the different cans surrounding us. Today was all about Sam and her death, and Augustus and his grief. It was very vexatious, so seeing her, untouched from Father's wrath was a great relief.

"Oh!" She said, suddenly clutching my arm- I'd already given up on the ′do-not-touch-me' case with Caroline. "Come and meet grandma!"

Before I had a chance to protest against this vile action, I was dragged toward her 'grandmother' who stood in a floral dress, still engrossed in reading the can's contents.

"Nana!" Caroline's squeaky voice pierced my ears. "I want you to meet someone!"

Immediately, her grandma turned to me with a huge, friendly smile. I observed her lightly wrinkled face, blue headscarf and grinned.

Be polite- I reminded myself unnecessarily.

"Good evening, ma'am," I said, extending my arm for a handshake.

She laughed and shook my hand. "Good evening! Such a good boy! Who is he, Caroline? Your boyfriend?" She asked, glancing at Caroline's hand that clutched my arm with a grin.

Lord.

Caroline laughed and shook her head. "No, Nana, he's just a close friend of mine."

Her grandma looked at me and I nodded smiling. "Such a loss. You don't get to meet a lot of handsome and polite boys, nowadays, anymore." She sighed wistfully and I raised my eyebrows, laughing.

Because that was ironic, grandma. I'm a murderer.

"I know right!"

Good God, I wanted to sublimate. Because I was being discussed, in a grocery shop, by an old lady and a forever-thrilled girl. And all I had to do was ′ha-ha-ha'.

I despised this.

"Nice to meet you, son!" Her grandma exclaimed.

"Nice to meet you too, ma'am," I then smiled, before turning to a grinning, dreamy Caroline. "Sorry, Caroline, I have to go. I have some visitors."

"Oh." She snapped out of her state and smiled. "It's okay you can go."

"Call me, if you need anything," I finally added before smiling one last time at her grandma and leaving the shop.

What a pleasant surprise.

I returned to the hotel to find Augustus still curled like a fetus on the comparatively tiny couch, sleeping.

I shrugged and prepared myself some jam sandwiches. I realized I fancied jam. Strawberry jam. It was quite amusing because I just found out about it two weeks ago. I mean, I knew jam. In fact, I used to eat apricot jam when Mum was still alive before my diet had to change to incorporate more protein to build a fit body.

I finished eating and decided to wake Augustus up. It was already twenty-three hundred hours and I wouldn't want him late. Maybe Father was waiting for him or something.

"Get up," I commanded, sitting on the couch in front of his and nudging him with my boot-clad foot.

He jolted up immediately, alertly before he stared at me and let out a long breath, releasing the tension from his shoulders. I watched him curiously as he pushed back his hair, adjusted his now crumpled, black sweater, and rubbed his eyes.

"What time is it?" He rasped.

"Twenty-three hundred hours."

"Oh, okay." He muttered disregarding, lying down.

I raised my eyebrows. "You have to leave," I stated as he stretched on the tiny couch that hardly fit his body.

"I don't want to." He replied lazily and I rolled my eyes.

"And I don't want Father to come, breaking down my door looking for his sweetheart," I retorted bitterly as he laughed humorlessly.

"Oh, no. I'm not his sweetheart. Don't worry." He said, glancing at the coffee table.

I smirked. I knew Father the most and I knew that Augustus was his only weakness. The way he talked about him, even in his surprise visits, was quite haunting.

"You have to go," I repeated monotone and he sighed.

"Dad will think I went out to get laid. Not come to you, stupid." He said, sitting up and facing me. I raised my eyebrows. "Besides," he paused. "-he thinks we're enemies now."

"Aren't we?" I was quick to voice out this particularly oppressive thought as his eyes snapped up and caught mine. His eyes, I thought, were blue and dark as the bottom of the ocean under those dim lights. They were very calm too.

"Do you want us to be?" He asked, tilting his head and I stared at him in silence. He then rolled his eyes, sank back in the tiny couch, and spread his arms as if to hug it. "But damn, Julius," he said, massaging the couch. "-you're one friendly arse enemy, aren't you?"

He said unsmiling and I looked away irritated.

"Don't be so harsh on yourself, brother." He continued as I snapped my neck back toward him. "I need you," he said, widening his eyes. "-and you need me. But your dramatic arse is, as usual, in...denial-"

"I don't need you." That was a lie. Obviously.

He stared at me, pursed his lips, and nodded. "Okay, fine-" He then said, getting up suddenly. "-if it'll make you happy that we become enemies, if it'll satisfy you to point your pistol at me one day, if you think that that's right, I'll leave." He told me, looking me dead in the eyes. "And I can promise you that you'll never hear from me again."

I stood up to face him. "Then, leave," I stated flatly, feeling my heart tug me apart as I looked in his disappointed eyes.

He was still looking at me before he silently picked his boots and headed to the door. I stood watching him, feeling miserable. It was like I had a reservoir of emotion that was bottled up and hidden away from me, behind curtains, in a dusty corner in my heart. And it seemed that Augustus' leaving, pulled apart those dr.a.p.es and revealed every and each one of them. All my emotions.

I realized it really saddened me to extricate him from my life. So I questioned myself: Why am I doing this? Why am I preventing myself from a luxury like a brother?

But he wasn't only my brother. He was my father's son. He was another woman's son. His loyalty didn't lie with me. And, thus he wouldn't be of any use to me when I'd really need him. I couldn't simply trust anyone. Not even my brother who appeared by 'coincidence' in my life.

So I stared at his back as he took my favourite, jade scarf from the chair next to the door, and frowned before approaching him.

"Hey-" I started and he turned to me surprised.

"You gonna finally confess-?"

"What are you doing with my scarf?"

We both said at the same time and I raised my eyebrows.

His eyes diverted away from me before he cleared his throat. "I'm feeling...cold?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Oh, really?" I deadpanned, not comprehending his weird behaviour.

He didn't reply but instead wrapped it around his neck and turned to leave.

"Augustus," I called, stopping him in his tracks.

He turned to me sighing and slightly raising both his arms in exasperation. "What-?"

"You lied," I stated simply. "You don't hit me as the type who feels cold. I mean, remember in that party, you were shirtless and I was the one complaining about the cold. Rings a bell, Augustus?"

I didn't even know where I was going with this conversation, but it made me feel slightly better.

He raised his eyebrows. "Well, aren't you bloody observant, Julius?" He said differently and I smirked.

"Very."

He then sighed, his shoulders dropping as he tightened the scarf around his neck. "I-" He started, looked away, touched the scarf then looked at me. "I might -just might- miss you, okay?" He rolled his eyes then sighed. "Might as well have something to remember you with since you're the type who holds grudges against people. Against your brother actually. Obviously. You might want to become friends maybe thirty years later when you feel old and guilty for-"

And that was all it took for all the strings of constraint and self-control to snap cut as I succ.u.mbed to laughing at his response. It was very amusing and so oddly nice and heart-warming.

"What's so funny, Julius? I'm giving you my goodbye speech." He said, looking sincerely hurt.

Well, weren't we different?

I tried to recompose myself but failed and simply laughed more. I didn't remember laughing that much at once.

"You're a d.i.c.k, you know that?" Augustus snapped, yanking open the door and I stared at him in disbelief and great amus.e.m.e.nt.

"Wait-" I said, raising an arm toward him after composing myself. "Wait, I'll come with you," I said quickly and studied his surprised face.

"Wha- hell, you will?" His voice dropped and his head inched forward in disbelief.

"You don't want me to?" I asked, raising my eyebrows playfully.

"Hell, no!" He said and broke into a wide smile as his red, teary eyes crinkled. "Of course I want you to, but like aren't you mad at me? Please tell me you aren't. I hate making people mad at me. Just tell me-"

"I'm currently having a hard time doing that-" I cut him off and he grinned.

"Where will we head though?"

"I don't know," I shrugged lightheartedly and raised a brow. "I don't live in London."

Only then did his eyes widen in anticipation. "Okay, then, I got you, fam. I so got you on that!" He then banged the door with his hand and I winced at how the 'bang' echoed in the hotel's empty hallway.

I found myself smiling despite myself as he stepped back into the suite, grasped my arm, and dragged me outside with him.

I laughed at his sudden liveliness and decided to myself that maybe not everyone was bad.

Just maybe.