Julius Caesar

The blaring of my phone alarm woke me up with a heart leap.

I sat up immediately, crumpling the bed sheets in my right fist before I looked around and reminded myself that it was just an alarm. That everything was okay. That I was okay. I sighed heavily, sighed then sank back in my bed taking deep, calming breaths.

It was eleven in the morning already.

I reached for the cigarette box from my bedside table and flipped it open only to find it empty. I clenched my jaws and threw the empty box angrily at the door.

Feeling my blood boil, I got off the bed, washed up then dressed up hastily. I threw on my jacket and scarf and headed out, hastily pushing my sunglasses up my nose bridge.

I made my way to a shop and grabbed a cigarette box that I immediately ripped open with shaky fingers. I took one out and felt myself almost relax the moment I placed it between my lips. I picked two bottles of beer and headed for the cashier- a lady in her mid-thirties.

She was staring at me as I reached for my lighter and shielded my dangling cigarette. Her upper lip curled in disgust and I tilted my head before shoving my lighter back in my jacket and lowering my glasses to glare at her. She cleared her throat, looked away and started doing her job. I pushed my sunglasses back.

I smirked, taking my plastic bags from the cashier counter and was about to leave when-

"Romeo!" I heard a familiar voice call me out and I g.r.o.a.n.e.d inwardly, dropping my hand from the door handle. That was just about the last thing I'd want. More pretence when I was fueled with anger.

With an eye-roll and maybe a drool, I removed the unlit cigarette dangling from my lips and shoved in my pocket. I turned smiling, nevertheless, to none other than a grinning Caroline with a piece paper in her hand, a smirking Johnny with two packs of beer cans in his hands and a frowning Ben with five ch.i.p.s bags between his arms. The golden trio. Hm.

I walked back to them despite how my toes curled against this vile action. I wanted to leave so desperately and smoke that damned cigarette that was throbbing in my pocket.

They were standing at the back of the short cashier line. "Hello. How are you?" I decided to ask as I looked at all of them. Caroline grinned while Ben rolled his eyes.

"We're fine, mate." Johnny smiled.

"Guess why it's your lucky day today!" Caroline beamed, looking gorgeous in the floral dress she was wearing.

I smiled definitely not intending to spend a second playing this guessing game. "Mhm. Why?" I said, faking interest.

"Cause you're invited to the best party ever!" Johnny said, high fiving Caroline and I thought I needed some support to hold on to. Because I couldn't be hearing right. Because this was going to be the downfall of 2018 Julius Caesar. A party invitation.

"It was like a plan Ben came up with-" She looked proudly at Ben. "That if we see anybody we know, they get invited! Not only from uni!"

"I currently want to kill myself right now," Ben muttered.

I didn't like parties and music. At all. That was absolutely horrific.

"Thank you so much. You're all so kind, but I'm not the party-" I started pleasantly, but Caroline almost jumped at me.

"Hey! I made you a favour and helped you find Sam. Now it is your paying back time!" She grinned, brushing back a hair strand that fell over my face. I flinched a bit. And, yes, some people loved unnecessary touching. Your best example is Caroline, whom I hoped wouldn't end up with only one arm by the end of my visit here. So we'd both match with a non-functioning arm. "You have to come!"

"I'm not from around he-" I started desperately. This was the biggest, ever possible, black hole I could ever get s.u.c.k.e.d in. I needed to back out.

"Then it's your welcome party, mate," Johnny said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I looked down at his hand distractedly.

"I-" I was shaking my head.

"Hey. Romeo. It's done. Ben?" Caroline started, then turned to Ben.

"What?" Ben grumbled with a scowl.

Caroline stuck a hand in front of him. "Address, time and dress code."

"I'm out of invitati-" He blabbed and I hoped I could use that time to run away.

"Address, time and dress code. Ben." She repeated, stressing on each word. Cursing under his breath, he reluctantly reached for his jeans' back pocket while trying to hold the five ch.i.p.s bags.

He handed her a navy-blue paper which she handed to me.

"That's your invitation!" She exclaimed and I took it with immense dread.

"Thank you," I said, feeling the exact opposite to gratitude.

"Well, follow the dress code and we'll see you there!" She beamed before she noticed that it was their turn at the cashier who was smirking at me.

This was officially my second-worst day.

"Okay. I'll see you then." I said weakly, waving at them and exiting the bloody shop.

I seriously could have survived without cigarettes.

---

I walked to yesterday's park, sat on an empty bench and unfolded the invitation to find:

YOU ARE INVITED TO OUR

ANNUAL 'GREATEST' PARTY IN LONDON!

THEME: UV /BLACK LIGHT!

TIME AND DATE: SAT, 10, FEB AT 8 P.M!

*Turn the paper for the address*

I turned the paper for the address, lips still parted in disbelief. I was not going whatsoever.

Absolutely not.

I vehemently folded the paper and placed it in my pocket.

I took out a cigarette from my jacket's pocket and lit it up. I inhaled and exhaled immediately, feeling impatient with everything. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I needed to get a grip on myself.

I closed my eyes then opened them again. I then looked at a group of guys no more than seventeen years old ganging around something...or someone between two huge cars. I squinted to see if it was serious. I heard their laughter and hooting.

But I heard whimpering too.

I slowly got up and walked quickly yet stealthily towards the group, making sure I drew no attention to myself in case nothing was really wrong.

They were four guys. One was holding a familiar cane, the other gave me his back as he advanced on his victim, the other had a pair of sunglasses in his hands, and the last had earphones in his hands as he laughed like a moron.

I placed a hand on the shoulder of the guy who had his back to me. He turned quickly laughing with his d.i.c.k hanging out of his pants. When he took me in, his hands flew to his d.i.c.k, tucking it in as his face turned solemn. I guess my 'Audrey's-handsome-criminal-face' was on. And now? I wanted it to be. Because what he was doing was so dangerously wrong for him.

He was under the mercy of my anger.

I bumped my head with his nose, causing blood to ooze out of it and stain his shirt. I then punched him in his face so hard releasing all the anger harboured in me.

The anger on my father.

The anger over Audrey's death.

The anger on my baby's death.

The anger at the fact that I still hadn't received an answer from Sam.

The anger of getting invited to a BLOODY party.

The anger of seeing that knobhead use a blind woman in that disgusting way.

He stumbled back and collided with one of the stationary cars, only to trip over air. He caught himself just before he fell to the ground as the other three stared at me in pure shock.

"Get out of my face! Now!" I thundered, acutely reminding myself of my father.

They dropped all they had and tried helping their injured friend who was drenched in blood that oozed out of his nose and split lip. They dragged him by his armpits. He was glaring at me with watery eyes and with fingers coated by his nose's blood. But I swear I was waiting for him to challenge me because I was going to burn him to ashes with the flickering flames of my rage.

He seemed to decide against it though because he cooperated with his friends and got to his feet before they all ran out my sight, stumbling over each other.

When I could no longer see them, I exhaled loudly and looked down to find Samantha curled up on the floor between the two cars with her hands clapped against her eyes as she hyperventilated. Her hair was standing out in all directions. Her shirt and pants were ripped open, revealing her u.n.d.e.r.g.a.r.m.e.n.ts. I stood over her panting, right fist clenched as I assessed her condition.

She was m.o.a.ning softly as her body shook in evident fright. I shook my head at her destitute condition, feeling sorry for her.

Who r.a.p.ed in a bloody park?

I then knelt down next to her and reached for her sunglasses. I tried to reach for her hands, but she screamed.

"Hey, it's okay- It's just your sunglasses. If you -uh- want them-" I said hesitantly. She whimpered for a while before slowly turning a hand toward me, revealing a squeezed shut-eye.

I carefully placed her sunglasses in her hand. She tightened her fingers with her chipped, blue nail-polished nails around it before she shakily then put them on.

"Should I help you up?" I asked awkwardly, cringing at myself.

"No." She said quickly, but firmly as she sniffed.

"Do you not recognize me?" I asked softly, genuinely amused.

"No. I recog-recognize you." She replied quickly.

"I'm not going to hurt you," I said, surprising myself with my sincerity. I then looked around to make sure that nobody was watching us.

"I wouldn't know." She said, shaking, still curled on the ground.

"Hey, if I wanted to hurt you, I would have done that a while ago. Trust me on yourself please?" I tried slowly still, cringing.

I was being too nice.

"No. Leave."

My eyes widened in shock. "But the retards can retu-"

"Leave me plea-please!" She pleaded before she started crying hysterically and my heart might've broken as I retreated away from her.

I shut up, sat down next to her (yet far enough), my back to a car and watched her for a while. I stared at her anklet that was shimmering in the sun. I stared at her powerless, vulnerable figure. And I, with all the power and mighty strength in me, couldn't muster enough to just walk away from her.

"Leave!" She suddenly shouted, startling me.

I got up immediately and was going to leave when guilt -my enemy- stopped me. I couldn't leave her vulnerable like that. So I compromised.

I slowly took off my jacket removing all the warmth that previously engulfed me and knelt down to dr.a.p.e it over her. I felt her flinch before her breath hitched and she looked up, looking at a point behind me.

I backed away immediately scared that she'd start screaming again.

She then shot her hand in front of her. I looked at it and wondered what the hell was I supposed to do. But I went forward and took it in mine. I looked at her anticipating an insult, but there was nothing. Relief flooded me as I pulled her up slowly.

She then grabbed her hand away and stood there like that. "My cane." She whispered throatily and I immediately got moving. I knelt down to pick it up, got up, reached for her right hand and squeezed it gently around her cane.

She smiled tightly as I looked at the jacket that didn't cover anything, but her shoulders. She started turning around to leave, but I immediately stopped her.

"Wait!" She turned to me. "Are you going to leave looking like that?"

"Is there something wrong with the way I look?" She asked, sounding worried.

I looked at her showing peach bra, her hair and unbuttoned and unzipped pants.

"Uh- mostly. Let me help you." I said, approaching her.

I held the jacket so that she could put her arms in. Then I remembered that she couldn't see where to put them and helped her.

I zipped the jacket to the top. It covered her chin and I thought she looked adorable with her puffing all around the collar.

"Can you -uh- zip and button your pants?" I asked awkwardly, pointing at her pants and she looked shaken.

"They're open?" She dropped her cane and turned around to zip her pants, but I saw a family walking behind her.

Wrong image.

I grabbed her by the shoulders to let her face me as she yelped.

"There are other people walking on the other side," I told her urgently and she relaxed.

"Oh. Okay. Turn around then." She said and I almost rolled my eyes. It wasn't like she was trying to get n.a.k.e.d.

I wonder what she would do if I told her that I saw her peach bra?- I smirked at the thought as I turned to face the park.

"Okay. I turned."

"I'm done." She said almost immediately and I turned back to her and picked up her cane.

I handed it back to her.

"You have to fix your hair," I commented and she patted it using her left hand.

"How does it look?" she asked worriedly.

"It looks human-" I said hesitantly as I eyed the random strands that surrounded her face. She looked homeless with my huge jacket and unkempt hair. I saw her frown. "-which is...acceptable. I swear." I added quickly, and she nodded slowly.

She turned to leave.

"Wait-" I said hesitantly.

She turned quickly. "Is there something wrong?"

"Do you know where you're-uh- going?" I asked awkwardly, shrugging and reaching for my nape.

"I guess."

"What do you mean, love?" I asked in disbelief. "It's either a yes or a no."

"Yes."

"Okay then," I said still concerned about her. "Are you sure though?" I added half-heartedly.

"Yes."

"Okay. Take care." I said simply and she turned to leave finally.

I watched her walk to the right, then on the pavement like she memorized this place. I sighed and looked at the ground finding none other than her mp3 player and earphones. Her earphones were smashed through.

I picked them up and threw away the earphones. I'd return it to her when I saw her. If I ever got to see her again, that is.

I reached for my jacket's pocket for cigarettes then remembered that I gave it to her.

I g.r.o.a.n.e.d and kicked the car next to me.

So I got invited to a party because I wanted to buy cigarettes and now I lost them with the jacket.

I returned resolutely to my bench where I kept the bag with my beer bottles. I picked it up and decided that I really had to purchase some clothes. Especially a jacket if I were to survive the harsh cold.

It was shopping time. But as I grabbed random jackets, pants and shirts, I couldn't stop thinking about something- the familiarity with what happened to Samantha kept striking my heart like damned drum sticks. Almost everything that happened reminds me of Audrey. Of my selfishness to get her caught up in all of this and make her end up dead. With a baby. Another human being.

The numbness that followed seemed to slightly disappear when I was back at the motel drinking beer on my bed, smoking a cigarette and flipping through channels on the tiny TV that sat on a short, wooden table in front of me. Most of the channels had p.o.r.n.

I switched off the TV and sank under the bed covers n.a.k.e.d and it felt good to sleep like this.

N.a.k.e.d, but warm from the beer.