Ch12 - I’m Your Mom

Hai Ri was on the verge of insanity. There was something wrong with his son!

Sheng Canyang walked leisurely at the back, a lollipop in his mouth and both hands in the pockets of his pants, the picture of a rebellious high school student. From time to time, Hai Ri would turn back and take a quick look, constantly feeling like he was on the brink of a heart attack. 

The third time Hai Ri looked back, Sheng Canyang asked him, “Is your neck stiff from sleeping?”

Hai Ri: “Speed up a bit?”

Sheng Canyang: “What for?”

Hai Ri felt a bit embarrassed that Sheng Canyang was walking behind him. Even though his own figure was without rival and there was no mud staining his buttocks, he felt an inexplicable discomfort. “Where did you get the sweet? Give me one.” 

Only then did Sheng Canyang approach him. He rifled through all the pockets his pants had – the left, right, the front, the back, before managing to dig out an Alpenliebe in wrinkled packaging.

Hai Ri: “Where did you get it from?”

“That woman gave it to me,” Sheng Canyang said nonchalantly.

“Ah,” Hai Ri smiled somewhat ambiguously. “Can I eat it?”

Sheng Canyang shot him a glance, his stance as if he was going to take it back. “Give it to me if you don’t want it.”

Hai Ri swiftly tore into the packaging and tossed the sweet into his mouth. It was then that Sheng Canyang released his grip.

It was the original flavor – the taste of his childhood.

The two of them walked for an eternity, shoulder-to-shoulder, exchanging a couple of random statements. They passed by a small shrub, the sunlight that shone through the forest seemingly filtered through a fishnet. Hai Ri caught sight of a small pathway outside, wheat fields lining both sides of it. An enormous mushroom cloud could be seen on the horizon. A killer whale passing through the cloud emitted a lonely cry of sorrow that shook the human heart. 

It was a blazing hot day outside. Hai Ri grew conscious that the person whom he was sharing this view with, side by side, was Sheng Canyang.

Hai Ri couldn’t help but sigh with emotion. “This place is so beautiful.”

“The scenery is great,” Sheng Canyang sucked on the lollipop, his mouth in a pout as he squinted at the gigantic mushroom cloud on the horizon. “If the whale dies, its corpse will fall and act as sustenance for many animals.”

“Twelve thousand types,” Hai Ri specified. “In fact, this is called Whale Fall and not Falling Whale.” 

He smiled at Sheng Canyang. Astonished, Sheng Canyang raised a brow.

Hai Ri said, “I don’t understand why they’re in this sky.”

“It’s a long-cherished wish of humans,” Sheng Canyang’s tone was flippant. “To have grand, beautiful things.”

Hai Ri, however, felt that it was pretty nice. “They are indeed grand and beautiful.” 

These words were used well.

Hai Ri: “When a whale falls, maybe we will also be nurtured.”

“Read less novels,” Sheng Canyang said. “They are not on the same plane as us.”

Hai Ri: “I’m just an optimistic boy. You’re too pessimistic, son.” 

He let slip this word.

Hai Ri muttered ‘crap’ inwardly.

In his heart, Sheng Canyang was his favorite existence. When someone doted on another person excessively, they would become moms – this was true, Hai Ri could testify to it. The times he kept vigil over the screen, gazing upon Sheng Canyang, he genuinely regarded Sheng Canyang as his own son. Therefore, this really was a slip of the tongue, something that he regretted the moment it occurred. The awkwardness was palpable.

But Sheng Canyang didn’t say much. He merely looked at him with what seemed like a smile yet not a smile, giving off the strong feeling that he was pondering over the underlying subtleties. 

Hai Ri: “Haha.”

Sheng Canyang: “Haha.”

Hai Ri: “As the killer, how did you…”

“You like me?” Sheng Canyang countered with his own question. “You’re my fan?” 

Hai Ri could only reply, “That’s what I told you long ago.”

Sheng Canyang: “Sorry, I didn’t believe it then.”

Hai Ri: “You believe it now?”

Sheng Canyang didn’t bring up the matter of having seen his Weibo account. “Why do you like me?” 

Somewhat at a loss, Hai Ri thought back for a while before replying, “You’ve very good.”

Before Sheng Canyang could say anything, Hai Ri added, “You’re a cool kid.”

Sheng Canyang: “In what way am I cool?”

Hai Ri pointed at him. “The fact that you don’t know how cool you are is the coolest part of you. I was very vexed by that Japanese person in your group, he’s just too good at putting on a pretense. Are his fans blind? Is he usually like that?” 

“Ah,” Sheng Canyang thought about it. “He usually puts on an even greater act.”

Just thinking about that guy irritated Hai Ri. “I can’t stand it!”

“He’s very jealous of you,” Hai Ri stated. “You’re more handsome than him and can even do music. The way I see it, he was about to go crazy from jealousy.”

When discussing these things, Hai Ri suddenly shed a layer of aloofness and became somewhat of a chatterbox. “When you guys went to Japan to participate in a variety show, wasn’t he deliberately isolating you by not grouping with you?” 

Sheng Canyang nearly couldn’t remember what he was talking about. He tried to recall, but still didn’t manage to remember. “When was that?”

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

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Ljl El: “Qts vlvc’a tf yglcu sbe jibcu?”

Vtfcu Jjcsjcu olcjiis gfwfwyfgfv. “Xf, atja kjr atgff sfjgr jub.” 

Hai Ri: “It’s still fresh in my memory, I’ll probably take it to my coffin.”

Sheng Canyang: “It’s possible. He doesn’t like me very much.”

Hai Ri: “How despicable. He even said in an interview that you don’t wash your socks?”

Sheng Canyang: “I really don’t.” 

Hai Ri: “Is that something he can say? En? What? If you don’t wash them, then what do you usually wear?”

“I gather a week’s worth of socks and wash them at the same time,” Sheng Canyang answered. “When did he say that?”

Hai Ri: …

Sheng Canyang: “What’s there to be angry about?” 

“Damn,” Hai Ri responded. “Don’t make me angry, you’d better shut up.”

Sheng Canyang: ?

Hai Ri: “What do you know?”

Sheng Canyang: ??? 

Sheng Canyang was thrown into utter confusion for a moment. He asked hesitantly, “Isn’t this my matter?”

Hai Ri: “You lack cunning.”

Turning these words over in his mind, Sheng Canyang grew cheerful. “That’s good, your logic is faultless.”

Hai Ri: “His fans curse you on the internet all day long because they follow in the steps of their master. Their master created a bad atmosphere and excluded you, that’s why they’re so unbridled.” 

“When was that?” Sheng Canyang was still in the dark.

Hai Ri: “All this while, ever since you guys debuted. You didn’t know?”

Sheng Canyang: “Nope, what about me is there to curse?”

Hai Ri: “You don’t usually look up your name?” 

“No.”

“Then what do you usually do online?”

“Read comments,” Said Sheng Canyang. “My @s, tags – all of these take me a while to read.”

Hai Ri: ? 

Hai Ri: “You’ve never looked yourself up?”

Sheng Canyang fished out his phone in suspicion, as if wanting to search his name on the spot. Hai Ri stopped him, placing his phone back into his pocket. “That’s a good habit.”

Hai Ri suddenly regretted it. He shouldn’t have brought up these annoying things. He assumed Sheng Canyang knew everything – that someone else’s fans were cursing him and that someone was excluding him. But he never expected Sheng Canyang to not even know of all these things. Then what was he still bringing them up for?

Hai Ri said lightly, “Forget it.” 

Sheng Canyang: “Forget what? Are there still people cursing me now?”

“No more,” Hai Ri answered. “There hasn’t been anyone since a long time ago, the trend now is for everyone to reminisce about you.”

Sheng Canyang made to take out his phone again. “I’ll go take a look.”

Hai Ri stopped him once more, preventing him from taking it out. He shot back, “What are you looking at it for? It’s all in the past.” 

That was true. Sheng Canyang didn’t say anything.

Hai Ri was silent for a while. Cheering up, he said, “You silly child. People cursed you for many years and you didn’t even know anything. Why didn’t you look yourself up?”

Sheng Canyang replied, “I have a glass heart, what else can it be?”

“They even took apart my past photos,” Sheng Canyang said. “And cursed me for singing badly, having poor facial expressions. Searching for those is equivalent to courting abuse, so I stopped looking at them.” 

Hai Ri: “Ignore them, it’s all slander.”

Sheng Canyang: “You’re really a true fan.”

“Yup,” Hai Ri said. “You only knew about it now?”

Sheng Canyang laughed as he shook his head somewhat helplessly. 

Hai Ri felt that his big boy image was very captivating, and had the urge to snap a photo.

Sheng Canyang was a boy with charisma and a very masculine temperament. His every move exuded testosterone, intermingled with the slight immaturity of a youngster. He had a pure male charm that was difficult to put into words. Sheng Canyang did not have the most fans in his group, but his fans’ purchasing power left the rest behind by several streets. Even in the ranking of all the male idols’ single albums, he could still rank highly.

Hai Ri watched Sheng Canyang stand before him so vividly with a complex feeling in his heart.

Observing his gaze, Sheng Canyang looked himself up and down. “What’s wrong?” 

Hai Ri turned his face away. “Nothing.”

Hai Ri’s curiosity about the minor aspects of Sheng Canyang’s life ran very deep. “Did you diet?”

Sheng Canyang: “Yup, I f*cking became so skinny my shadow was about to disappear.”

Hai Ri: “Hahahaha, you’re already so skinny, why did you still diet?” 

“They were all dieting,” Sheng Canyang said. “No one accompanied me during meals and I myself didn’t want to eat, so I dieted as well and did nothing.”

Hai Ri: “Cool kid.”

Sheng Canyang warned him, “I’ve tolerated you for a very long time, don’t talk to me like that. Even my mom doesn’t call me that.”

Hai Ri burst into laughter. 

Sheng Canyang: “Anything else you want to ask?”

Hai Ri thought about it before saying, “Yes.”

Sheng Canyang glanced at him wordlessly.

There was a moment of silence, and then Hai Ri asked, “Stinky brat, did you make any money?” 

Sheng Canyang stared blankly. “You’re asking about that?”

Hai Ri: “Yup.”

“I did,” Sheng Canyang answered the question. “If not, was I doing charity in the entertainment industry?”

Hai Ri: “Haha, I was scared your company deducted a lot. It’s good that you made money.” 

Sheng Canyang’s family was not well-to-do and might not even be considered moderately well off. Children of poor families had to support their families from a young age, so Hai Ri was always concerned that Sheng Canyang made little money and even went through a lot of suffering by choosing this path. After Sheng Canyang’s suicide, Hai Ri didn’t see any news on his family either; this was a constant knot in his heart.

Sheng Canyang: “Even if I didn’t make any money, they can only accept the reality that I’m already dead.”

Sheng Canyang: “No one can force someone else to live or imbue the will to live in them. A person has the freedom to die – that is their last right.”

Hai Ri was quiet. He couldn’t find the right words to respond. 

Because every time he heard Sheng Canyang utter words that weren’t in line with what a nineteen year old youth ought to be saying, he always had to hold back tears.

Who would be able to accept the boy they liked – a very hardworking, overly skinny, talented idol – making such world-weary statements in front of them?

Hai Ri didn’t pose any other questions to Sheng Canyang. Instead, it was Sheng Canyang who asked him, “Ge, why did you come here?”

Hai Ri was silent. Just as Sheng Canyang was about to brush it off, he smiled. “Isn’t it because I was sick?” 

“I was a bit depressed,” Hai Ri stated. “I’m already allocated to the fourth floor, what else can it be? I also just came to this realization.”

There was a hint of confusion in the gaze Sheng Canyang laid on him. Hai Ri continued with feigned nonchalance, “I attempted suicide many times since young. I tried slitting my wrist, but failed because the blade was too rusty. I was only in primary school back then.”

Sheng Canyang: …

Hai Ri: “Usually I’m all right, just like a normal person. But there are times when I’m not okay. Similar to epilepsy, I’ll get panic attacks and then feel like I might as well just die since there’s not much meaning in living.” 

Sheng Canyang: “Didn’t go for treatment?”

“Nah,” Hai Ri responded. “Nobody knew that it was an illness, including me.”

Sheng Canyang: “Ge, go back. I feel like you can live on quite well. Go back and get proper treatment, you can recover.”

Hai Ri was a bit moved. But he replied with some mischievousness, “I can’t, I might already be a vegetable.” 

Sheng Canyang: …

Hai Ri: “Ai, that’s how it is, let it be.”

Sheng Canyang: “It’s a pity, ge. I felt from the first time I saw you that you shouldn’t be here.”

“Why?” 

“You’re quite bright,” Sheng Canyang laughed self-mockingly. “The people here have a strong aura of death. You’re handsome and don’t seem to lack money, not like the people here.”

Hai Ri subconsciously wanted to ask, “You mean you’re not?” But on second thought, Sheng Canyang… fit in very well with the atmosphere of this place. He seemed like someone that belonged here – he knew this place’s rules like the back of his hand, he fit in here, he wanted to die.

Hai Ri: “Cool kid, you don’t want to go back?”

Sheng Canyang said firmly, “No.” 

Hai Ri shut his mouth.

Sheng Canyang glanced at him. As he idly sucked on his lollipop, he completed two rounds of chest exercises and then said, “I messed up my life, so I don’t want to go back.”

“Who said so?” Hai Ri’s sore point was jabbed. “Which part of it is messed up?”

Sheng Canyang: “Can you be a bit calmer?” 

“Oh,” Hai Ri said. “Am I calm now?”

Sheng Canyang: “Passable.”

Hai Ri asked politely, “Who said you’re messed up?”

Sheng Canyang: “Me.” 

“Those things,” Sheng Canyang’s tone was relaxed. “Those annoying things; I don’t want to deal with them nor do I have the ability to deal with them.”

Hai Ri: “None of it is your problem.”

“It is,” Sheng Canyang looked at Hai Ri evenly. “How is it not my problem?”

Hai Ri met his serene gaze. For reasons unknown to him, he subconsciously averted his gaze. 

His consciousness went back in time to a certain day ages ago. In his mind, it was a gloomy and rainy day. He’d only opened up Weibo at night after a busy day and was greeted with ‘Sheng Canyang, Shan Yu’ at the top of the hot search. A sudden clap of thunder sounded outside the window, and alarm reverberated in his heart involuntarily. As if he had an ominous premonition, his heartbeat stalled for an instant. After clicking on it, he saw that a marketing account had posted a pitch-black video, below which there were already ten thousand comments.

For some reason, Hai Ri didn’t have the courage to click on the video. He opened up the comment section first – the popular comments were a string of ‘??’ and ‘how stimulating’.

Hai Ri could already guess the content in the video. Yet another abrupt clap of thunder sounded outside, turning his complexion deathly pale in a flash. He clicked on the video. Pitch-black figures could be seen in the video. At the staircase, Shan Yu raised his head and kissed Sheng Canyang on the mouth. Sheng Canyang had his head down. He didn’t evade it, but his expression was also not visible.

Hai Ri still remembered how his head had gone blank then. For a split second, his head was empty, an empty expanse. 

Till now, Hai Ri still didn’t know what relationship Sheng Canyang had with Shan Yu. All he knew was the events that followed – the company called out the video for being fake and disallowed the two people involved from responding to the issue.

Those who were purely fans went crazy online, the CP fans went crazy too, and so did the netizens. All of a sudden, this combination was placed in the spotlight, causing Shan Yu and Sheng Canyang to become gossip at the dining table. The program they had once attended together, including the erhu piece that Sheng Canyang played then, were all analyzed in careful detail.

Sheng Canyang must have seen the curses directed at him in the comment section at that time.

Less than half a month after the incident, Shan Yu announced his withdrawal from the group. Back then, he claimed it was due to his own issues and unrelated to Sheng Canyang; he merely one-sidedly liked Sheng Canyang. Precisely because of this, Sheng Canyang’s fans refused to allow Sheng Canyang to leave the group, so he remained in it. Not even three months later, Shan Yu changed his tune in a program he attended, saying that Sheng Canyang had acted ambiguously with him and that the kiss was a natural act given the atmosphere at that time. 

And that Sheng Canyang’s willful omission of this had deeply hurt him.

From start to end, Sheng Canyang never gave out a response to this matter, and it remained that way till his death. Hai Ri didn’t know what he was being obstinate about and what he had to be obstinate about. How difficult could it be to offer an explanation? But he was also well aware that public sentiment at that time was akin to a live burial.

Hai Ri said, “No matter the reason, I don’t think you’re at fault. So what if you two really were dating?”

“Date?” Sheng Canyang laughed mockingly. “You really have a wild imagination. He didn’t even say we were dating, where did you hear that from?” 

Hai Ri: “Then you…”

“Something like feelings,” Sheng Canyang said. “Can it be said clearly? I myself don’t know how to answer questions like whether or not I liked him, whether or not I can accept it, why I didn’t evade his kiss. If I said that I myself didn’t know and that it was my first time, would anyone believe me?”

Hai Ri answered him, almost as if muttering to himself, “There would be.”

Sheng Canyang paused. 

Hai Ri: “I’m your fan, I’ll believe anything you say.”

Sheng Canyang was at a loss for words. Sucking on his lollipop, he paused for a long time before rediscovering his train of thought. “Why?”

Hai Ri also fell silent.

Hai Ri: “Why did he say those things later on?” 

That was pretty much forcing Sheng Canyang into a dead end. Why did Shan Yu suddenly change his statement? Hai Ri thought that something had happened between the two of them, yet Sheng Canyang said, “I don’t know either.”

“He didn’t contact me for a long while,” Sheng Canyang explained. “The next time I saw him was in the interview where he said I was being ambiguous with him.”

There was some confusion in Sheng Canyang’s eyes. “What does ambiguous mean exactly? Does that count?”

Hai Ri: “Did he say he liked you?” 

“No,” Sheng Canyang replied. “But I guessed it.”

“You guessed it?” Hai Ri asked. “Then how did you handle it?”

Sheng Canyang was blunt about it. “I didn’t really care about it, didn’t know what to say.”

Hai Ri: “Did he buy you anything?” 

Sheng Canyang nodded.

Hai Ri: “It was very expensive?”

Sheng Canyang: “About there.”

“How did you deal with it?” 

Sheng Canyang: “I gave him money.”

Hai Ri: “That doesn’t count.”

Sheng Canyang: …

Evidently, he still didn’t understand how it didn’t count. In fact, Hai Ri himself couldn’t be sure either. Indeed, there was no right answer to emotions. Emotions were an ambiguous affair. Perhaps Sheng Canyang had at some point unintentionally hinted to him, or at some point triggered sparks that led Shan Yu and Sheng Canyang into an impossible situation, resulting in that kiss. In that case, it might not have really been harassment. At most, Sheng Canyang would be considered to have passively accepted it. 

But Hai Ri would still always be on Sheng Canyang’s side. Sheng Canyang didn’t leave the group, didn’t come out to give an explanation, and eventually had no way of giving an explanation. He was pressured into dying because of this and not because of anything else. Attacked from all directions, he felt unworthy of everyone. Personally, Hai Ri still sided with the child he was fond of. He felt that Sheng Canyang had suffered enough.

Sheng Canyang: “I didn’t give you guys an explanation, right?”

Hai Ri said generously, “Doesn’t matter, it’s all in the past.”

Past my ass, Hai Ri cursed internally. Better not let laozi return, otherwise I’ll f*cking make it my life’s mission to send that damned 0 to his death. He just had to seduce my son when he was up and coming, he can go f*ck off.