Long Past Dawn

"How do you feel?" Black Canary sits in a leather chair in front of me, her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her palms.

We've been at this for about an hour now. Because apparently I need trauma therapy, but the way I see it I'll be better if they just leave me alone.

"I'm fine," I say for about the hundredth time today. But Black Canary doesn't accept it as a final answer.

She sighs and sits back in the leather chair. I look her straight in the eyes and we just stay like that for a minute, so far we've been at a stalemate for about half an hour.

After a moment Black Canary speaks, "Are you mad about it?"

I'm almost taken aback for a second, so far it's only been are you ok? How do you feel? It's ok to not be ok you know? And so forth. I pause for a second. "I'm not mad."

BlackCanary blinks twice, obviously surprised by my answer. I am too after a moment I continue, as if the words I want to say are just flowing out of me, "I'm not mad, I'm furious. Not for what was done to me, but what that psycho did to Jikan. I want revenge. I want that motherf.u.c.ker down."

The room falls into silence for a minute and I'm starting to think that we've hit another dead end when Black Canary smirks, "That's what I want. Let it out Dawn, let it all out."

My eyes start to go blurry with tears but I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek to stop them from falling. "You want me to let it out?"

My anger is rising and I have no place to put it but in my words and actions. "You want me to let it f.u.c.k.i.n.g out? Right now I'm fighting a war with myself, one where I don't know which side is going to win. I'm fighting against myself, trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. But I have nowhere else to put the blame. Right now it feels as if a part of me is missing. As if..." My voice cracks and a tear runs down my cheek, "I died with them."

But I don't stop, my words just keep coming and I can't stop them, just like I can't stop the tears. "I'm just too tired to keep running but I have to, if I stop even for a second it comes back to me. I feel like I'm drowning in million times over and it doesn't make sense to me. In less than three weeks I've lost everything I've ever f.u.c.k.i.n.g loved. You can tell me all about how it's ok to be hurt and to grieve or even about some damn grief arc but right now it just feels like I should have died with them. But I didn't. I lived and they didn't."

For all the tears streaming down my face, my voice doesn't even crack, "When I first came here I was excited, I thought I could save the world just like you guys, that I could have fun adventures and make people happy. I thought I could be a hero, but... But now there's only darkness in my light. Now there's nothing left of that girl that first came here, only her shadow that's seen the darkness, and if I can't even defeat my own darkness- how can I be the hero that girl wanted to be?"

I stop and we sit in silence, I don't know what I want Black Canary to say, "So you're going to give up? Is that it? If you don't stand up for what's yours now then you won't have anything worth fighting for."

She makes sense I guess. "But I've already lost everything that was mine."

Black Canary leans forward again, lifting an eyebrow as she does so, "Really? Because as I see it you still have a lot left, you have food for a starter, you have clean clothes and you have a room here, and most importantly you have a place here with us. I think that's more than enough to be able to stand for, to be able to fight for."

I'm slightly stunned, I never thought about it that way. Black Canary sighs and her expression softens ever so slightly, "As long as you have the basics, that's more than enough to fight for."

"And if I don't have those?" The question springs to my lips before I can think about it.

Black Canary gives a small laugh and smiles, "Then you fight to have that much."

She then looks past me at a wall clock, "I think that's enough for today. That ok?"

I give a nod and sit up from my chair and get ready to leave the room but Black Canary calls to me just as I'm about to leave through the door, "I'm always here if you ever need me."

I hesitate at the door for a second before I nod and walk out of the room, not even turning around once.

I walk straight through the building and towards the exit, I'm almost to it before Flash speeds over and leans on the door frame, effectively blocking my exit, "Where you going beautiful?"

There's a twinkle of humor in his eyes and any other day I might play along but I still haven't burnt off all my anger from earlier.

"Out." I gruffly mutter, trying but failing to dodge past him. I try not to sigh at the idea of my free time outside slipping through my fingers.

Suddenly a voice sounds behind me and a firm hand is placed on my shoulder, "Let her go Flash."

I turn to see Green Lantern standing behind me. We've never really spoken before but I'm glad for his help right now. Flash sighs before being dragged away by Lantern under the pretense of 'work' and I manage to sneak out unnoticed.

On my way down the street, I fiddle with my wallet, it must have dropped out of my pocket when I was at the mall with Stephen because I'm 100% sure if those guys had found it on me they would have stolen it. But lo and behold it's still here, though I'm still a little suspicious that they did steal it and Batman replaced it without telling me.

I look around the streets, buildings and small shops line them but they're still strangely quiet for New York, very few people are in sight and those that are, well, I could count them on one hand.

It just feels too quiet.