Lunar Marked

 

My mind felt fuzzy. The soft and cozy heat of warm blankets and naked skin surrounded me, making me feel as though I were floating up in the heavens. I could feel the magic within me, the glowing warmth of it flowing through me after having gathered over the last couple of hours. It was something that I knew was unhealthy, something that I should have been avoiding entirely. Yet I couldn’t help the part of me that felt as though this was natural, that this was how things should be. It was so welcoming, so warming. It felt right. 

Lena nuzzled into the back of my neck, her lips pressed lightly against my skin. Our legs were tangled together, as they had been for a while now. Any moment now, we would have to stop; we’d have to talk and ruin the lovely cuddling session that we had been having. I tightened my arms around the pillow in front of me, giving it a gentle squeeze, and sighed. Perhaps just a bit longer… 

Lena nuzzled against me once more. 

“Thank you,” she muttered, breaking the long period of silence. Her words were soft and slurred, as though she'd just woken up.  

“What for?” I wondered aloud a few seconds later. What did she possibly have to thank me for? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? A bit of guilt crept into me at the thought of the supposed ‘favor’ she’d been doing for me. I should have told her. She'd never have agreed to this if she’d known the truth.

“For all of this. I could tell you were a little reluctant, despite admitting to me that you were ‘horny,’ as you put it. I know you probably felt it was wrong, because of my fiance… But I needed this. So, thank you.”

I wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t thank me. That I didn’t deserve it, and that in truth, I’d been deceiving her. Instead, I made the coward’s choice and said, “I—I still don’t understand why. I thought you didn’t like…” Me.

“I told you, Feli. I like girls. I always have. It’s why I never was into any of the guys in town, why I always claimed I was waiting for the right one.”

“But I’m not a girl,” I whispered. 

She sighed, “Don’t be silly. You don’t really think I believe that, do you? Of course you’re a girl.” 

Her words… didn’t make any sense to me. How could she think I wasn’t a boy? It was obvious, wasn’t it? Sure, I had some girly parts now, and the curse was obviously changing me into one. But neither of those impacted who I really was, who I’d always be. It was something that simply couldn’t be changed, something that a person was born with. No matter how my body changed, it would never truly affect who I was on the inside. And besides, once a cure was found, I had no doubts that I’d change back to my normal self. I wasn’t that lucky; I had to accept that this was temporary. 

Was it possible that she was just referring to my body: that perhaps she saw me more as a girl physically than a boy now?

There was a long pause as I became lost in my thoughts before she continued. “There’s something else I should tell you.” 

Slowly, she sat up, her arms uncurling from around me, leaving behind the cool empty touch of air. I turned around, facing her and sitting up as well. As both of us looked toward each other, half-naked in the bed and with the covers only hiding us from the waist down, a faint blush crossed my cheeks. 

“I wasn’t completely honest in why I so readily accepted doing this,” she said. I blinked as I stared into her eyes. She looked… guilty? A sigh left her lips, and she looked away, her gaze downcast. “Silas visited this morning.” My eyes narrowed, and I knew that whatever she was about to say, it likely wasn’t going to be good. I almost reached out to hold her, but a bout of shyness over our nudity held me back. “We walked through the garden. He was... trying to pressure me into going to my room with him, saying that as his future wife, it was my duty.”

My eyes widened as I put together what she was saying. “He — he can’t do that!” 

“Officially, no, it’s not allowed. But from everything I've heard, it’s not uncommon, especially being so close to the wedding.” She leaned back against the headboard, her face neutral as though she’d already accepted her fate. “A pregnancy tends to make things much more official than any slip of paper. He keeps finding ways of being alone with me. For months now, he's been pushing me to bed him.”

I was fuming. That absolute ass! I knew he was terrible, but this was a whole other level of awful. And this whole time I’d had no idea! Why hadn’t Lena told me? Couldn’t we have figured something out? She’d been keeping this all to herself… for months now. 

“I’m pretty sure it might have been his idea for us to be betrothed in the first place. His way of getting back at me for turning him down originally: by making me his. And now he wants to make sure I can't back out.” She bumped her head back against the bed as she stared off at the wall. 

I opened my mouth and then hesitated. “Did he — did he force you to…”

Her eyes trailed downward. “No, not yet. I think he’s been somewhat satisfied to wait, knowing that once the wedding happens I’ll be his for good, and he’ll be able to do as he pleases. But with it looming close now, he's been getting more insistent, almost demanding. I think he's worried I'm going to find a way to back out.” 

Backing out had always seemed like the best idea to me. “Lena… you don’t — you don’t have to go through with this wedding. You don't have to be with him. We can figure something out.”

She looked back over to me now, her face clouded with annoyance and perhaps anger. “No, we've had this conversation before, Feli. There’s nothing to be done.” I winced. Her use of my name stung in a way that I didn’t fully understand. I knew it was accidental, and ‘Felix’ was who I truly was, yet it still hurt. “The simple truth of it is that this is my duty to my family, to our town. Silas will be the next Reeve, and I, his wife. It is how things have to be, even if I don’t like it.” She looked off to the wall once more. “Even if I hate it,” she whispered. 

“I…” I began but trailed off. I wanted to deny it, tell her that she didn’t deserve this and that she should be with someone she loved. That Silas could go screw himself. Who cared if his father owned the lesei mine here? Or that the man practically ran the town already with the wealth he had? It shouldn't matter that both of their parents wanted them to marry. But I knew that Lena was stubborn about this. She’d always put the priorities and needs of her family and the town before her own. So instead, I was left silent and uncertain. 

I clenched my fists in frustration at the injustice of it all and my continued uselessness. Was I giving up too easily on this? Could I really just let this be? But what could I even do? I had no way of convincing her. I'd already tried, and if anything, I had only pushed her away. If I tried again, she might not tell me when things got worse. She'd already kept me in the dark over the past several months. I couldn't risk pushing her away further, not with what Silas was liable to do. 

I stared down at my hands. I couldn't convince Lena, nor her parents. They had never cared to hear my opinion. And I couldn't convince Silas. Even trying would only make him laugh and want to marry her all the more. I couldn't even bully him out of it. Not only was I physically weak, but I had no leverage over him. There was nothing I could do. The thought hung heavily in my mind. 

I had nothing. 

The fiery warmth within me continued to swirl.

Right?

The thought came hesitantly, yet there was one thing I did have. My Mark itched, and I held back a gulp. It was a bad idea, a terrible insane atrocious idea that would only lead to my downfall. My eyes looked up, taking in Lena's naked form for all her beauty, inside and out. She looked over and our eyes met. But if it was for her... 

“This wasn’t exactly what I’d been trying to talk about,” she went on, her gaze turning away as her expression became complicated. “My point was that I shouldn’t have done this with you, not without first telling you why. I didn’t really do this out of some noble desire to help you. I just wanted to do something for myself for once. And perhaps, I may have done this as some kind of petty revenge against Silas.” Once more, her voice was full of regret. She glanced back over to me before looking away once again. In a much smaller voice she said, “In truth, before you showed up at my door, I’d… been planning to invite one of the maids in.” The distinctive look of guilt covered her face. 

An image of the happy maid who attended to Lena, the girl who now knew who I was, came to mind. Was this something that Lena and Rosetta did together often, I wondered? A small pool of jealousy began to rise within me before I pushed it down. That wasn't important right now. 

I gave my best friend a serious stare and gently gripped her hand between mine. “Lena, you don’t have anything to apologize for. I really enjoyed our, umm, intimate time together.” Another flush of pink met my cheeks as I fumbled over how to talk about the fact that we’d just had sex. The reminder that we were both sitting here in bed still completely naked didn’t help. “It was nice,” I murmured. “And your reasons for it don’t matter. I’m always up for some petty Silas revenge, and I’m always here for you.” 

She smiled. “Thanks, Fe— umm, Pearl. Sorry, I’ll have to work on getting used to that," she said. "But, thanks.”

I gave her a glowing smile back. “Of course!” 

A thought still lingered in my head: the fact that I hadn’t been completely honest with her. And at least in my mind, my unstated secret was much worse than her’s. But now that I knew how guilty she felt about what we’d done already, could I really tell her that I’d misled her, that our intimate act would only make my curse progress further? My lips parted once again, and I hesitated. 

“So, I’ve got the day off," I muttered guiltily. The coward’s way it was then. "I was thinking of going to see my Da.”

“Yeah?” 

I nodded. “Yeah, Camilla gave me the day to myself. And since I haven't seen him in several days, I know he's probably beside himself with worry.”

“Did you want the clothes you left here?”

I blinked and looked over to the maid’s dress sitting on the floor before realizing she meant my boy clothing. I hadn’t even thought about what I should wear. After all, my father had already seen me dressed as a maid. Though I could still wear the clothes I’d worn over before all this mess had started. 

I slipped out of bed, and I could feel Lena’s eyes track my naked form. Picking up the dress, I stared at it for a long moment before slipping it on, happy that I didn't need a corset with it.

“This will be okay, I think.” 

Lena gave me a beaming smile. “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll go great!”

FlitterPuff A question to readers: how do you go about motivating yourself to do things?

I've been coming to find that my way of going about it has been rather counterproductive. Generally the way I go about it is by forming expectations for myself. And when I meet these expectations, then I'll raise them. In terms of writing, this could be a specific amount of words, a specific amount of time writing, or a specific time to sit and write. The last one in particular is useful because I've found that I like having some amount of structure to my day. I do better with it. The problem with expectations, however, is that it's easy to not meet them, especially for me.  And that leads to feelings of failure and continually growing anxiety, neither of which are useful as they just make me even less productive, which just leads to a continually negative loop. I've been trying to think of new ways to frame things, particularly ways that don't involve the success/failure dichotomy. I'm curious if anyone else has thoughts on it.