My Self - Insert Stash

-I just can't get over my Oregairu addiction... Yes this isn't SI, but still give it a try.

*Hachiman in a surprisingly very serious Monster Girls universe. He's summoned by the Empire to be the Hero to defeat the Demon Lord. But la di da turns out the Empire are sc.u.m and the monsters are the slightly tolerable and good ones.

*The same pragmatic Hachiman will become a badass General for the Demon Lord.

Sypnosis: Stolen from his world one winter night, Hikigaya Hachiman found himself in an alternate world. Surely, this means that he shall become a hero that fights again evil with extraordiary abilities. Wait. What's this collar? What do you mean I have to either fight or die? Why the heck are all the monsters girls!?

What kid of shit setting is this and why the hell is everything so difficult? Where's my shitty cheat skill!?

I want a refund!

Rated: T

Words: 72K

Posted on: forums.spacebattles.com/threads/unfortunately-i'm-not-a-hero-oreigaru-x-mge-lite.800668/threadmarks

(Sage_of_Eyes)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (*´ー｀*)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1.1-1.4

Usefulness is dictated by circ.u.mstance. While individuals will look upon the likes of plumbers, janitors, and garbagemen with disdain, the fact remains that when they're needed, they're irreplaceable. People give up their freedoms to become cogs in the machine called society so that water comes to them, they're protected, and they don't have to touch waste. Societies built upon ideas and dreams will inevitably falter and fail due to corruption and tyranny, but while societies of mutual dependence will inevitably falter, they'll persist.

Why?

Because human beings used to certain standards will consider that standard the norm, therefore give up more to maintain it, thus becoming nothing more than puppets dancing to a tune.

Source: me.

That was true in my previous world and in this one as well.

At the very least, this new world I've been summoned into is refreshingly honest about what they want and d.e.s.i.r.e from those they kidnap from other worlds.

Problem: Demon armies.

Solution: interdimensional conscription of those who won't be missed.

Rinse and repeat, until demon armies are swallowed by bodies of people who can't refuse you, who you've enslaved, and who you don't care for in the slightest.

In all honesty, I'd enjoy reading such an Isekai novel. The main character just being shit on, until he either breaks or rises above the occasion would be a fresh breeze through the stagnant halls of the genre. Not that it wasn't stagnant from the moment it was conceptualized in the mind of some wishy-washy mouth-breather/Zaimokuza-type, since it's all derivative and unoriginal in the first place, but I'm uncultured and have no taste, therefore I like such things. I would very much like to an MC get the what for, struggle, and maybe survive only because of the sacrifice of other people.

Needless to say, I didn't like it when I was the aforementioned MC in a setting where I can only suffer.

I lasted the longest of my batch of fellow individuals who were kidnapped.

Some had attempted to escape initially, but they were turned into examples of how much control our new masters had over us. The moment they grouped up and tried to run, it was as though Kira came down from the heavens with the Death Note in hand to express his disp.l.e.a.s.u.r.e upon them. Yep, disobeying means a heart attack and a stroke. Nothing silly like electricity or "lightning magic." That was only to punish. Everyone is replaceable, therefore there's no need for such extravagant measures.

Those who had potential for magic were taken away to be taught, arrayed into massive lines, and then act as artillery batteries that commanders didn't have to worry about re-positioning.

All that were left were individuals who could use their bodies and hold spears, wearing only what they had on their backs.

Thereafter, battle after battle, my "group" got whittled down.

Some had potential to be warriors, awakening some cheap bullshit while in combat, and they were taken away to be ablative vanguards. A few had proficiencies for ranged weapons, then they were deployed as sacrificial skirmishers to disrupt supply lines. And, of course, those who weren't particularly special all just died during battles, even after better armor and equipment was given to us every time we survive.

Eventually, I was leading a group of newly-kidnapped individuals from other worlds entirely, without anyone of my group remaining.

The veteran slave leading the rest into combat against monstergirls.

Hmmm?

What's that?

Yeah, I said monstergirls.

What of it?

Trust me, if this was some sort of l.e.w.d world, I wouldn't nearly be as f.u.c.k.e.d in the head as I am now. They are simply monsters who must be overcome through calculated sacrifice of chaff. The humans of the world we came into are nothing besides completely rational and utterly focused.

There was no l.e.w.d plot twist to be had.

Well, or so I thought, until I fell in battle and woke up again.

The plot twist was apparently the human empire kidnapping people to wage war for them across dimensions was the bad guy all along.

And the monstergirls were the good guys.

Again, who would've thought that the wizards kidnapping able-bodied individuals from across time and space to fight their wars against a whole world out for their blood are the bad guys?

Really.

Truly.

Surprising.

…

It goes to show the uselessness of education that not many high-schoolers from modern worlds managed to survive battles where they're forced to fight or die. In fact, according to my very-useful liason when I awoke in a ward with my crest removed, the human kingdoms preferred to recruit from worlds that were more tribal or feudal in nature. Teens from those time periods tended to either be farmers, warriors, or other sorts of laborers.

Things modern teenagers are not.

They also only looked for people with a certain amount of fitness.

Again, something most modern teenagers are not.

Zaimokuza, I'm sorry to say, you're too f.u.c.k.i.n.g fat to be an Isekai protagonist. I sincerely apologize (not) for being the bearer of bad news, regarding the fact that you have too much of a belly to live out your dreams.

Regardless, while I was not a laborer, warrior, or of a society that considered violence the norm, years of staying healthy, as to not invite scorn and become another Zaimokuza-type had f.u.c.k.e.d me over.

Disregarding the fact I'll never see my family again, am permanently trapped in another world, and will forever live with the knowledge that someone, somewhere is kidnapping people to be used as slave-warriors, the Monstergirls weren't exactly in good shape. The constant stream of bodies flooding into the borders of their empire, with the backbone of the actual, magic-using human army, was stretching their forces to the limit. Though they were numerous, individually more capable, and had far more land, due to not being pricks and willing to work with one another, that wasn't enough to deal with the constant onslaught of able-bodied individuals who either fought or died.

Thus, I was given the option of helping them out.

And, thus, I decided not to.

The moment the option to go somewhere peaceful was offered… I took it. Two years of being a slave, having to claw my way up from trash to trash who looked after the rest of the trash, was something that I intended to put behind me. What's that? Why don't I continue fighting, so I could perhaps find a means to get back home? First, I'm not an idiot. Second, I do not enjoy fighting. Third, I like living, preferably comfortably and with as little contact with other people as much as possible.

Upon my rescue, I looked forward to either living in the woods for the rest of my life, or finding a small town to become the grumpiest old man at. In a world devoid of entertainment, I figured that I'd either become a farmer, maybe write a few books, and do something else besides fight an empire that has the ability to kidnap and enslave others from across time and space. Anything, actually, sounded better than that.

Unfortunately, my dream of a life of simplicity and peace did not come to be.

Why?

Because, after I was given the option to leave, I was identified, taken aside, and told what I was really going to do.

By a Dragon.

Of the monstergirl variety.

But, still, a Dragon.

As expected, there's more than one way to enslave a person in this world.

…

I would've been pretty happy to meet the Demon Lord in her throne room. Throne rooms, after all, are in the center of the capital city of any faction. It is the defacto place for a ruler to stay safe, secure, and strategize at. Meaning, of course, that it the safest place to be during war. Even wars that involved magic that could level entire cities, killing the leader of an entire country indiscriminately would only result in massive reprisal, welcoming the same attack upon oneself, and utterly eradicating a chance for an armistice.

A good ruler will sit tight in their capital, so that they can communicate with the other side, stay safe from battle, and ensure that a war does not devolve into a fight of extinction.

Unfortunately, the Demon Lord led from the front, because this was a total war of extinction, no chance of armistice was possible, and the only way this was going to end was complete destruction of the other side. Even worse, she was the commander of the cohort of monstergirls that destroyed mine. And, finally the worst possible thing in the history ever, was that it wasn't luck that kept me alive in that fight… I was looked for, found, and apprehended.

In conclusion, I already knew what happened before the tent's entrance was opened for me.

I was taken for my skills by one side, so that I'd use them on the other side.

Therefore, naturally, I had to f.u.c.k up as much as I possibly could, so they'd just let me go.

If f.u.c.k.i.n.g up didn't get me killed, of course.

…

The Demon Lord was as a Demon, as expected. As far a battlefield opponent went, Demons were typically commanders who strode into combat and laid waste to just about everyone they fought. In game terms, they were Hero Units for those particularly enthused by real-time strategy. Each one had their specialty, the gimmick that they used to best effect, and they had to be killed by sacrificing a lot of a chaff while someone from range kills them slowly… or they're stabbed in the back.

Naturally, I was part of the chaff that was supposed to die for an opening.

"There's no need for you to have your weapon drawn, Jean. Without weapons, he cannot harm either of us." Typical and stereotypical were the best words for the red-haired, horned, and armored woman looking over the massive map. It was the same kind that I used the night before, when planning the attack, so I was able to tell where to look. Yep, there's the piece that represented me and mine. Ooh, it's a black and gold pawn, instead of just black like all the other slave-units. Neat. "Our former opponent is wasted in combat. I'm sure that he agrees."

Huh, despite looking like a generic Demon Lord, she didn't act as I expected. There were no "ara ara's" nor were there "ohohoho's." Also, despite her looks, there was no signs of flirtatious or salacious behavior. Indeed, she walked toward me clad fully in plate-mail from neck down, and offered me her hand to shake.

When I managed it, after a moment, she didn't smile and simply nodded.

"Well met, but there's no time to waste. You're healed, you're fed, and now you will aid me in composing a plan to extract my forces from one of the pincer movements the empire adopted since you came to lead." With a gesture at the parchment map, magic formed a more comprehensive picture of the battlefield. "Tell me what you see, as I can't see a means to withdraw without suffering utterly grievous losses."

Terrain came to life, models became surrounded by armies and projected a number, and other, important information streamed in. However, most of all, I noticed that the now "living" units of the Demon Lord were sending in information and updates, as well as requests for orders. Given how my body guard looked upon it with no surprise, and how easily the Demon Lord called upon it, it was probably common for well-supplied, military commanders. Now that I think about it, my kidnappers got the hang of fast-maneuvering very quickly and responded to threats with reinforcements quickly.

So, I was being f.u.c.k.e.d over not only on the battlefield, but also on the tactical and strategic level by my former captors.

What a bunch of d.i.c.ks.

However, I was now being tested and I was just informed that my abilities were well-known.

It couldn't hurt to try to act stupid, though—

"Your help is most appreciated. Rest assured that your fellows will be treated with the best possible care upon our successful retreat."

Well, shit.

"You overextended to take out a priority target, but took prisoners and a baggage train. No wonder I managed to push you back." I understood that these people are stuck in the medieval age, but this is a clear case of stupidity. "Fire whoever taught you tactics, because this little escapade is going to get you killed."

The Dragon growled, but I ignored her even when the Demon Lord didn't tell her to stop. There was no sign of her drawing her sword, or acting stupid, due to just a set of words. My hostess's features did not change either, she just smiled and nodded at my words. They were competent and strong, but they were tactically and strategically inept. No f.u.c.k.i.n.g wonder they were being pushed back by shitty mass-wave attacks and half-assed tactics.

"The next time you do this, you need make a force that you can afford to lose, but has a chance of doing what you told them to do." Risk, reward, and cost. That was the ultimate determinant of any operation. If you can afford the payment, then risk can be ignored, then you can acquire the reward. Needless to say, monstergirls could've afford a steep body count, and even if they took out plenty of people, it didn't matter of those people were worthless in the eyes of their masters. "What you should've done is had me kidnapped by your people who weren't worthless, because now you're f.u.c.k.e.d."

"I'll remember that, but first the problem at hand." The Demon Lord gestured towards the table. She moved to show me where we were, but got there before her. As far as magic went, I had next to nothing, but that was the typical case. I was able to interact with the magical map. There was the river that the battle had been fought on, there was the artillery, and cavalry. The infantry wasn't present, because that was my job and I'd failed at it. So, that should've been it. We would've had to face the heavy hitters, just artillery and cavalry, but that wasn't the case. "How do you propose to deal with these two other divisions that have arrived, which have encircled us after being reinforced by the remnants of your own?"

The typical response an infantry portion of a division being lost was a full-strength division in a day's time. It was the typical strategy of reinforcing the backline, then leapfrogging, thus having a defended rear and a chance to rest troops.

I had no clue where the second division came from, but that didn't matter at all.

I needed to deal with the problem at hand, just I'd been ever since I'd been summoned in this damn world to be a slave thrown into a meat-grinder.

Thankfully, this time around, I was actually fighting to survive.

That meant, I was more than willing to play dirty, instead of cribbing off of history.

Joy of joys, I get to f.u.c.k over the people who f.u.c.k.e.d over my entire f.u.c.k.i.n.g life.

The only thing that could make this better was if I could do without worrying about dying if I failed.

Spite, after all, is best enjoyed without your target being able to hit back.

I suppose that I'll have to manage until the time comes.

...

1.2

...

As multitudes of edgy, one-sided MCs would tell you, the only thing that matters in a fight is that you win. However, as expected of their monofocus, lack of intelligence, and 1-dimensional, mouth breather nature, they're dime-a-dozen warriors who can win fights, perhaps even battles, but not wars.

In war, everything matters, and if one thing that matters is f.u.c.k.e.d, there's no victory even if you win dozens of battles.

I only managed to get to my current circ.u.mstances, because I happened to know what I needed to do in order to be important, whilst any other comparable kidnappee won battles for the Empire, I progressed their plans, got them what they needed, and outlived the meatheads who actually believed winning fights and battles would get them freedom.

The only freedom to be had, after we were magically shackled, was to die on our own terms.

Since the Freedom True Ending was completely impossible, I changed routes, because I wasn't an idiot.

Edgy MCs with paper-like skin would continue on their path until the end, where they died ignominiously, hilariously, and deservedly.

Source: me.

Anyway, survival had been my first priority, then gathering power, and finally acquiring a whole division of meatshields. The longer I lived, even if it meant sacrificing others and placating my interdimensional, magical kidnappers, was my victory. Ms. Degurechaff will certainly be proud of me and my actions, as I'm sure it's perfectly in line with the rules of modern, logical, and capitalistic society.

Exploitation for one's own gain is never wrong, as long as it profits society and maintains social order.

It just so happened that the society and social order I was maintaining happened to be interdimensional enslavers who all deserved to die.

That part wasn't my fault, but the result of my actions saving the lives of babies, men, and women of the interdimensional invaders who deserved to die were certainly attributed to me.

The number of lives I exchanged in order to be seen as someone who had to be captured and used as an asset is well into the thousands. Fighting retreats, suicidal flanking maneuvers, and ambushes against superior opponents ate up people without distinction. However, the Empire saw the bodies of their enemies pile up, or their true troops coming back safe, so it didn't matter what I did, so long as I got those favorable results with troops destined to die anyway.

In their eyes, I was saving the lives of those they considered people, therefore I had worth.

Therefore, I secured my life, while being a good person.

Again, for the interdimensional slavers, but that's just how it goes.

Naturally, my fellow kidnappers noticed that I was surviving fights and currying favor, while they were dying.

That's the point where an edgy, brainlet who's just "clever" would have been introduced to a harem of knives while he slept.

However, it was never going to be me.

Why?

Well, of course, I had a commodity that everyone wanted. I gained the right to live, to be viewed favorably, and was asked to lead, while many were told to die. I approached those who understood that, who wanted the same safety, and betrayed the rest of my fellows to die on battlefields, while I led from the rear with capable guards.

Well, a guard.

The time difference between the point where I started getting odd looks from my troops, shortly after the Empire started treating me like an asset, and got captured by the Demon Lord is about… a month?

You can't expect a guy like me to get a cadre of people around himself instantly, even if I happened to offer a prolonged, miserable existence as a slave, who proceeded to step on shoulder after shoulder to live, I still happened to be a loner first and foremost.

The fact that I managed to get one capable, loyal guard is something worthy of praise, dammit!

Even if, technically, I was cheating because I saved her life and her ass-backwards culture meant that I owned her now or something.

Technically, I saved her life twice over, so I'm just right twice, anyway!

…

After my meeting with my new boss, who gave me the impossible assignment of escaping a pincer attack against a foe that outnumbered us three times over, I did the first thing any sane person would do.

Fetch my bodyguard who'd protect them with their life.

Naturally, since the Demon Lord intended to secure my aid, she captured as much of my troops as possible. And, given her forces were mostly composed of Dragons, "as much as possible" pretty much meant everyone. Yep, my whole division had been captured, and were now being used as collateral.

Whatever the case, the only person who mattered in the deluge of degenerates across dimensions I directed lived and stood before me now.

"Yo."

"You live. How unfortunate for me. I thought I was free." Ur didn't look particularly glad. In fact, even though she was standing upright in an iron cage, she looked as though she tried to pick a fight with the almighty Truck-kun, Hero of the Empire. Yeah, she definitely tried to keep her word, despite facing a force composed of dragons and led by the Demon Lord. "I presume that you have been freed of your collar, too? And, that you intend to fight against the Empire which stole us from our homes?"

"I wouldn't if I could help it. I'd rather leave all you idiots behind, but we're going to be attacked by three divisions, along with some actual Empire troops." I wasn't particularly interested in how my guard got beaten to a pulp, but still made her guards hesitate when they were told to release her to get healed. I could only presume that she did something incredibly stupid and insane, while I'd been unconscious. "Get out of there, and come get healed, because we have work to do."

"You have no need of me or anyone else now. You have monsters at your disposal now. Monsters that have defeated me and mine." Golden eyes met my own through ebony locks. Despite the purple and black splotches stretching across her tanned skin, Ur remained defiant. As far as meatheads went, she was the pinnacle of her kind. Worthless in conversation, academics, and anything generally acceptable in modern society, but decent in a fight… against monsters. That is to say, I was getting tired of her honorable warrior bullshit already. "I am of no use to you any longer. Death is my only course."

"You can die when you pay me back for saving your life and failing to save mine, which means: only when I f.u.c.k.i.n.g let you." Tribal warriors from other dimensions needed a firm hand. Their societies were born in worlds filled with monsters, threats, and other things that would kill most loners in their cribs. Unfortunately, they used all their skill points to spec into physical attributes and used everything else as dump stats. "So, come on, stop moping, and get yourself healed, because I can't leave you to die, so I might as well use you to get some payback."

"I understand. Then, my life remains yours to spend." As usual, Ur was powered by idiocy and determination. The moment I clarified that I wasn't an idiot, that I still needed her, and that she didn't fail, she fell into my arms. Being a tanned, tribal warrior that was specialized as a shock trooper, I barely managed to keep the meathead up when she fell face-forward. She was about an hour away from being dead on her feet, but the wonders of healing magic never ceased to amaze. I held up my shitty, doubting, and idiot guard, while she was tended to. She had to gall to hold onto me after nearly crushing me, too. Idiot. "Wake me when the battle begins."

Tch.

"You f.u.c.k.i.n.g moron." It didn't take an IQ of over nine-thousand to discern the truth. While I'd been knocked out, kidnapped, and taken care of lie everyone else, Ur had fought. Either she did so after she awakened while being healed, or she kept fighting until she was caged, then refused to rest. The hands the clung onto my shoulders, rigid even while their owner closed her eyes and breathed easy, were covered in cuts, bruises, and torn skin. I saw bone and a lack of nails on some of her fingertips. "You need to start to think with your brain, instead of your fists."

Thankfully, since she passed out, she didn't have anything stupid to say after my retort.

Now, with her in my part of the court, I could get the rest of the division in line.

Having authority was nice, but being able to call on unspeakable violence upon those who refused my whims was even better.

…

"You recruited the vast majority of your division to fight for you once more, despite the freedom I offered them."

"Please, stop stating the obvious, before I starting questioning your intelligence." The Demon Lord's guards glared at me, but I kept eating my meal. The wonders of being the guest of a commander who was also the de facto leader of a whole nation-state had its perks. I was enjoying freshly-baked bread, a slab of meat, and some fresh fruit, as was Ur. Despite enjoying being the smuggest smug to ever smug, I was eating properly, while my bodyguard was getting food on her… everything. I really can't get away with being cool at anything, huh?. "So, now that we have ablative, you and yours can do the heavy lifting. I've told my forces to start entrenching, so prepare yours for counter attacks."

"You intend to use those who pledged their lives to you as a distractions for my forces, just as you've done for the Empire." The Demon Lord stood. Clad in plate armor and with curved horns that bent over her skull and through a mane of scarlet hair, she was quite the intimidating sight. The only reason that Ur didn't stand up for me to fight against the threat was that the meathead knew that she couldn't do anything besides die with me against the Demon Lord. "And, I believed you kind when you so readily agreed to fight for me when I told you of our circ.u.mstances."

"It'll still be "kind" to those who survive the battle, which you dragged everyone into. If you don't like the idea, just fly away and leave everyone to die." It is said that those who have no pride shift the blame upon others. If such a saying was true, then I was saving the Demon Lord quite a bit of shame. This situation was a result of her actions. Not mine. "That's what I have for the problem you've given me, ojou-sama."

Surprisingly, none of the guards drew their swords, so that the Demon Lord could show off being noble by raising her hand and stopping them. Damn, it's been such a long time since I've seen anime that I'm trying to make it happen in real life. In retrospect, it's a bad idea to provoke dragon-girls, but it would've been pretty cool to see that particular scene happen in real life.

I'll take the Demon Lord getting pissed off for the first time since we met as compensation, though.

"Unacceptable. I swore upon those you've consigned to be fodder that they would have new lives." The distance between the two of us decreased with each word. Walking and following the edge of the table, she soon loomed over me. There was no trace of her beauty any longer. Her face was occluded by a mass of darkness which also came forth from the joints in her armor. Yes, without a doubt, she was the beast that plowed through my division's lines, past Ur, and swallowed me in pain and darkness. "Upon my family's name, upon the ideals that the alliance between all the tribes were crafted, I swore they would be free from their lives as fodder for blades, magic, and claws."

There was no dramatic pause, no chance for me to get another word in, as the Demon Lord looked at me with disgust and disdain which was barely restrained.

"You will provide another strategy for me. One that does not meaninglessly throw away lives for mere convenience. I demand not the impossible, but your best." Each word was stated without the slightest hint of hesitation. Each syllable dripped with strength. Every single ounce of intent was delivered clearly and with no room to argue. "Plan quickly and plan well, vaunted tactician, because you will be beside me to see this battle through to the end."

Many of the other individuals in the room were shaking due to the Demon Lord's strength, in both words and arcane might. The armored, armed dragons that protected her were standing straight due only to force of will or their weapons, which they gripped and held onto to support themselves. Ur had a grimace upon her lips, despite all the battles she fought calmly, with hardly anything more than what she deigned to call clothes, and whatever weapons she managed to get her hands on.

Me?

I was sweating like pig, trembling like a loon, and biting my lip as to not scream.

Correction.

Biting my lip as to not smile at a job well done.

"R-right." My teeth chattered while I agreed, but when I bowed, I allowed myself a smirk between troubled breaths. It was just the start, but knowing that I didn't fall into the hands of another tyrant who'd approve of the quickest, most ruthless options was something I needed to verify. Nor was I in the hands of a helpless, incompetent idiot. Trusting a stranger is foolish. Trusting someone who would allow a captured, enemy force to be rearmed and returned to their commander was suicide. I now knew that the Demon Lord was not an idiot, since she could wipe out all the aforementioned individuals she rearmed, nor was she simply faking her nobility, as she actually gave a f.u.c.k about how their lives were spent.. "I'll do that."

Definitely worth a few moments of existential dread.

"See that you do." The Demon Lord's power lessened. Breathing, no, existing became an easier and less complicated affair. When I raised my head to meet her calm gaze, covered in seat and fear, and lacking my smile… I saw a glimpse of regret that was tossed away behind determination. Another good sign. She wasn't a psychopath. Or, at least, very good at acting that she wasn't. A decent point in her favor either way. I'd like a perfect psychopath on my side of the court, especially if they couldn't tell if they were being tested and manipulated. "And, my name is Roseanne, not Ojou-sama. You will refer to me as such, Hikigaya Hachiman, my new court tactician."

Hah!

Forget not being an idiot.

I needed to stay on my guard, because she had sharp mind and more than a few suspicions.

With just a sentence, at little cost to herself, she put me under her command, along with all the troops I had under me, and made it so that every decision I made would have to go through her. Doubtlessly, around her, to fulfill my goal of survival, I would have to do just as well or better than while I was with the Empire.

Roseanne?

Roseanne was going to be a pain in the a.s.s to work for… which was almost too good to be true, given my last employer's complete lack of care.

This better not be a shitty dream sequence and I'm really still working for the Empire!

...

1.3

…

Only an idiot thinks fighting fair ever happens. The morons who try to fight fair are dead by the enemy's hand or the people they're supposed to lead into battle. Fact: people want to survive and win. Source: Me. Those who want to fight perfectly and look good are weeds that are pruned by the earliest of battle, left to be nothing more than lessons, and are convenient meatshields at best. They're the country's ablative armor, meant to dull the weight of an enemy offensive or two, while the real tacticians and generals are briefed, given the best troops, and send in counter attacks.

There isn't a single general or commander in the either side of the war that's an idiot, who'll fall for the same trick twice, and if there are… well they'll be f.u.c.k.e.d over by whatever tactic I use against the good ones anyway. There's no sunken cost involved into making a new, perfect strategy that'll kill someone else. If the enemy dies, then that's an absolute victory, because if they're dead I'm alive.

The trick is making sure the trick pans out.

To work is to lose, but if dying is the only other alternative, then I'll work the hardest.

Thankfully, my new boss happened to be the very best person for me to abus—work with.

Nothing like someone who was honorable, noble, and righteous to make sure that the most underhanded, dirty, and disrespectful means of victory comes to pass. Those who want to be right, those who hold something else above their own lives, and those who would rather lose everything than lose what they hold most dear will never think they're wrong.

Not even as they lie dying in a pool of their own blood.

…

The incoming enemy force was more than expected.

"Four divisions of the Empire's finest will be upon us in a day's time. Retreat is impossible due to enemy cavalry and our caravan." I knew all of that, but having someone else verify it was for the best. Trusting only my own eyes and ears is a good way to serve my head on a platter. Whether it's good new or bad, verification is what matters the most. "This situation is difficult. I look forward to saving your life and freeing myself from my obligations to you, especially against foes who I wish to kill."

I waved away my Amazon bodyguard, then turned to my liaison with the Demon Lord. I didn't bother with her name. She was just Cell Phone-chan. Beyond communication ability, she could also fly, breathe fire, and could turn aside regular, sharpened steel by flexing her muscles. 10/10 would buy a new version every year and trade-in the old one. Unfortunately, that review is only if I work with her under her regular parameters, so I had to test my new means of communication thoroughly, before giving a review to the public that could be appreciated by the masses.

Who am I kidding?

Anyone who can have a dragon-girl would get a dragon-girl.

"What do I have here?" I had my suspicions, especially given the nature of the camp, but verification was key. "I need numbers, types, and what they can do."

Wow, that's one heck of a glare. It makes me feel like I'm rotten trash left on the gutter for seven… no… ten days. The composition of sneer, narrowed eyes, and slightly-flared nose on your face, Cell Phone-Chan, is incredible. I give it 54/100 Yukinoshita's. It might not sound like a passing grade, but only Yukinoshita has ever managed 100/100 Yukinoshita's. She's Yukinoshita, after all. The most Yukinoshita Yukinoshita to ever Yukinoshita. What a Yukinoshita. To even be half a Yukinoshita at being Yukinoshita is quite the accomplishment.

However, joke's on you, Cell Phone-chan.

I have power over you, even if you can crush my head into a pulp between your clawed forefinger and thumb.

"Talk or don't, but I don't need someone worthless in this room. Get out of here and get someone more willing, if you're not." I'm very grateful that Demon Lord-chan provided me with a permanent warranty on Cell Phone-chan's. Truly, Monster Girl Incorporated is making strides in customer service that are revolutionizing the industry. Though, stockholders will surely question the need for such costly innovation, because their only competition is Asshole Associates who are, as the name suggests, assholes. "Well?"

"The Royal Guard and Retinue are composed of the finest warriors and staff to accompany her majesty wherever she wishes. We are at full strength with five Wings of my kin, fifty of the finest warriors of the realms, and five hundred common soldiery who also double as staff." So, it just takes the app a bit to start up. I won't dock points for it, or even complain, but if it happens again, I'll certainly complain. I might have paid nothing, but I deserve everything. Why? Because, I'm me. "If you are deserving of your reputation, you will be more than capable of overturning the oncoming foe without breaking the Demon Lord's word."

And, I don't care about what you say now. Go to sleep. I don't want you using any more mental power than you need to.

Obviously, you have a short battery life.

Five "Wings" means 60 Dragon Girls. One Wing is usually enough to chew through a few divisions of slave-soldiers/me. Thousands of Hachiman's will die ignoble deaths against a single Wing, then the aforementioned Wing will fly back home, rest, recuperate, and come back the next day to burnt up a few thousand more Hachiman's. Poor Hachiman's, they've done nothing wrong, yet they're all dying ignoble deaths, so that better-equipped divisions could catch them while they're doing so and catch them unaware. How sad, Hikigaya Hachiman has made a tactic that involved the deaths of many Hachiman's to kill 12 Dragon Girls. How sad. How terrible. How Hachiman.

Eh, did I just use my own name as a slur?

"So, those five Wings are worthless." I ignored Cell Phone-chan's outburst of surprise and indignity. I turned to my bodyguard. "Do you remember my plans against centaurs?" My very-useful, capable, and morally-obligated-to-stay-with-me-forever bodyguard nodded. "Get everyone who can move to start digging or making palisades. Cut down as many trees as you can without making an open plain. Turn upturned dirt into small slopes for cover."

There was an outburst in the making from Cell Phone-chan, but I used a voice command to make her go "silent."

"You and your kin were the biggest problem to the entire Empire. So, I made sure to make as many tactics and strategies to deal with the lot of you." My whole division was "destroyed" by the Demon Lord and her Royal Guard of Dragons. That was an undeniable fact. That was why five divisions of actual, professional soldiery were being rushed to f.u.c.k us over. They were going to be armed and ready for Dragons and Little-Miss-Mass-Destruction. "This is their chance to kill the enemy leader, several elite warriors they otherwise have no answer for, because they're not flying away and sacrificing troops to make sure they escape. Get it through your thick skull: even if the Empire loses tens of thousands of lives to kill you and your Empress, they win!"

Thus, with that Bad End condition in mind, I was going to continue my no-deaths, perfect run at the shittiest game to ever exist: life.

There was no way to remove that critical, complete weakness in my current situation. So, I'll at least make that weakness work for me. In my current stages of planning, all I saw was bait and the need to make a trap that could eat up ten thousand professional, specialized soldiers within a day's time, so that I can escape with my new boss and all the idiots she wanted to keep alive.

Nothing could be wasted.

Even proud, noble Dragon girls whose names I didn't bother to remember.

I eyed up Cell Phone-chan.

"Tell me, Captain of the Royal Guard, how fast and deep can you and yours dig?"

…

"It looks like a maze composed for slaughter."

"No need for applause. I know that I'm great." The fortifications were finished within the span of a day. Magic and magic-enhanced muscle carried the day, as it always did for monstergirls, and it showed outside of battle. True, I put my defeated, useless sacks of meat to work, i.e. my former soldiers, but most of the work was done by the Demon Lord's retinue and Royal Guard. Less than six hundred in total number, the quality of those present were just plain stupid. The cooking staff had a dozen monstergirls and they fed the whole operation, monstergirls and humans all, three healthy meals a day. Work that would've taken my troops five days was completed in one. Thankfully, they're all stupid, otherwise I'd be dead. "Lead the enemy here, after dealing with the mages, and the rest die. That's all you need to do."

The clearing that had been made into an encampment no longer existed. Earthworks, stone walls, and wood palisades now created defense in depth. Trenches were filled with pissed off, armed humans who wanted to crack the skulls of those enslaved them. Those who could shoot anything from a rock to an arrow had buckets of ammunition, commanding views of the battlefield, and cover. Monstergirls were formed into squadrons to hit locations that would get swamped with fighting. The tree line was ready to be set ablaze to stop any strategic flanking maneuvers. Then, there were a few surprises if things went badly.

Or, well.

If I made the effort to do something, it'd be a waste to not use it. I'm not sort of guy who keeps something "just in case." If money isn't used, then it's wasted. That's a for a regular, normal life. If I had a resource that I can use in battle, that I invested effort into getting, then it was going to get used. The best victory is always the overwhelming victory, after all. There's no such thing as a fight that could be won more thoroughly. How did the saying go in the American Sci-Fi movie?

Don't win one fight.

Win all the fights.

Yeah, the shota went insane and nearly completely genocided an alien species, but there's still lessons to be learned, especially when your opponents are morally defunct, terrible people.

"Granted power over those whom I rule, you still choose to fight without nobility and grace." Roseanne's statement had me focus entirely on her. It was the same sort of focus someone would have when they found themselves next to a predator several dozen times larger than you. Thankfully, I didn't shit myself. All I did was break out in cold sweat. I could also still move. Not bad for a former Chuuni, if I do say so myself. "Are you testing my patience, Hikigaya Hachiman? I'd asked for your utter best, the plans which gained you renown amongst the Empire and gave hope to those who were saved by my soldiers, and you have given me a slaughterhouse."

Some would falter at such words.

More than a few would cry out about unfairness.

Many would just be silent.

Me?

"Yeah? What the f.u.c.k did you expect? If you don't like this plan, then you should've given me more to work with, lady." With what I had, in terms of resources, manpower, and time, I'd made a slaughterhouse that would let little more than two thousand souls, even if six hundred of those were superhuman, the chance to fight against ten thousand, professional, magic-assisted veteran soldiers. "I don't shit out miracles. You asked for me to do my best. This is my best with what I have."

I expected ridicule, scorn, and maybe anger.

Actually, I'd have been pretty happy with any of those three, since it would mean the Roseanne was the easily-manipulable person I thought she was.

Instead, the red-haired Demon with pale skin and perfect features smiled at me. Her eyes curled, her teeth glittered, and a sigh that would've sent thousands of otakus groveling whilst holding their crotches left her lips.

What a scary bitch.

She just had me verify what she could always expect from me when she puts me in charge.

Again: what a scary bitch.

…

In shonen manga, there's a lot of romanticism that goes on around fights. People's backstories are told, the singular individual is put into the limelight, and every action and reaction has some sort of connection to some nobody's past.

And, all of that is true.

It's f.u.c.k.i.n.g horrifying.

Every single person on the battlefield has a special origin story. They are all special. What are the chances of being born? Being that one single, wriggly bastard punching through where all others failed, then going through all the inconsistencies of life with different others who all beat that one-in-a-million chance? Every single life is a culmination of thousands of probabilities, differences, and perfect situations that'll never happen again

My job is to snuff out those lives with absolute precision by spending lives myself.

I am good at it.

I introduced the Empire to warfare suited for them and saving my a.s.s. Nothing more and nothing less. I told them to change, so that I could get what I needed on time, so that I wouldn't die. Better logistics, specialized corps, and fast reaction forces all helped the Empire on every front, but I gave it all to them so that their resources, manpower, and time could be better spent saving my a.s.s.

With the Demon Lord, I wanted to win.

I wanted vengeance.

And, finally, I did want a lot of the Empire to die.

So, I introduced trench warfare against an opponent used to glory, cavalry, and artillery, while I had living tanks, gridded artillery locations, and tunnels filled with very angry, pissed off fanatics.

The results were to be expected.

The Empire went for magical bombardment to soften us up. The trenchline was deep and the few walls were spread out, so they held. Then, we counterattacked with our own artillery, who knew where to fire and already practiced. The Empire mages died, ours stayed alive, and forced the enemy to scatter, regroup under fire, and then look for targets.

The Empire's soldiers reformed under fire, because they were professionals. And, like professional soldiers, they set out to complete their objectives anyway. They sought out the Demon Lord and the mages, so they could end the war and avenge their fellows. Armored foot soldiers moved in pike formation, while armored knights mobilized around the flanks. Both found themselves against an entrenched position, where spears meant jack shit and horses even less, which surrounded the enemy artillery that they were still under fire from.

Retreating meant being fired upon by the Demon Lord.

Holding ground meant being fired upon by the Demon Lord.

Charging into seemingly-undermanned, if intimidating defenses would seem to be the only option.

So, charge they did.

Little less than ten thousand men, decked out in magical arms and armor, against some stones, dirt, and wood defenses staffed by barely any people from what they saw, which had already been worked over by their mages, before their untimely demise.

It was a slim chance of victory, but it was a chance, so they charged.

They charged into bow, sling, and javelin fire. They charged into long spikes being raised from mud. They charged into mounds of dirt that erupted and revealed Dragon Knights ready to split skulls and breath fire. The forest they charged from caught fire. Suddenly they were trapped in a muddy inferno and the only place they could escape to was filled with tribal warriors with grudges and who were very, very good with axes and clubs.

Protagonists died.

Sub-characters died.

Villains died.

All from different stories with different plots and different lives, but in the end they all died.

That was that.

...

1.4

...

There's nothing worse than having a boss that knows what you're completely capable of. Why? Because, when you have a subordinate that's reliant on you for everything in their life, you effectively have complete power over them. When you have complete power over someone, then you expect them to do their best, because that's what you plan them to do.

I speak from experience, of being the leader of a whole division of slave soldiers, and wasting a lot of lives being a f.u.c.kup at the start.

The undeniable fact is that even though humans are industrious creatures that'll curl up and die without stimulus or anything to do, they still need to rest, recuperate, and sharpen their skills. Even if that skill is getting reports done, or moving up the corporate ladder, and not killing monster girls to stay alive… a human being caught in a rut can only exhaust themselves, lose their way, and become utterly, completely useless trash that eats up revenue you allocated towards a prized worker.

They can't be pushed too hard, but still need to be pushed, and they can never be allowed to be completely, utterly comfortable either.

My new boss was a Demon Lord, raised from birth to be a perfect leader, and loved by all of her subordinates. Not only is she feared by an Empire that kidnaps people from other dimensions and harvests her people for ingredients, she managed to use just her Royal Guard and auxiliaries to capture a whole DIVISION of soldiers without casualities on the front lines of a f.u.c.k.i.n.g war. Her subordinates would all die for her, talking ill of her gets you f.u.c.k.e.d over, and she's pretty and healthy to boot.

A f.u.c.k.i.n.g degenerate, self-insert character like her won't have the weakness of being a bad boss.

I completely, utterly expected for the rest of my life to be as someone who'd be used and utilized. Whatever I was going to receive in payment for my work was going to be exactly what I needed, in order to achieve results just within the farthest realm of my ability to accomplish.

In short, I was f.u.c.k.e.d. Now I was an essential piece on a massive chessboard. And, naturally, in chess the essential pieces are essential because of what they can do before they need to be tossed away or sacrificed for complete victory. It's certainly better than being a corporate wage-slave, since I was more than a cog in a machine, but the fact remained that I was known by the people I was going to fight, those supporting me had high expectations, and I had more responsibilities to shake a stick at.

Not going to lie, it's still a leg up on being slave with an explosive collar, though.

…

Food was the one thing I could appreciate in this shitty fantasy. Cuisines of humans from many dimensions transferred over the course of the centuries-long war. It's not a surprise that quite a few Japanese ended up here, mostly from the Warring States period, and enlightened people to the wonders of rice, soy sauce, and good cooking. The same was true for other civilizations, but the fact that I could get miso soup for breakfast, with rice and fish, was something that I cared about more than having Fantasy Meat.

That was only due to the fact I was with the "good guys" of the setting, of course.

The Empire sent grain, meat, and pickled vegetables to the front.

And, encouraged the eating of Monstergirl parts that weren't for magical use or valuable

I kicked out the cannibals in my division, or had them valiantly perform their duties on the front lines.

Very exceptional valiant duties.

Heh.

"Whenever you smile as you do, I've learned to be afraid." Cell Phone-chan took a seat in front of me. While I was enjoying my miso soup, rice, and grilled fish for breakfast, the Dragon-girl was chowing down a trough of grilled meat. As a precaution against thievery and underhandedness, I brought my food closer to myself. The charging rate for Cell Phone-chan was expensive and I didn't want my food disappearing into the void. Blackholes for stomachs are cute, until you have to defend your food against them. "Forgive me for asking, but what are you so pleased about, Hikigaya-dono?"

Tch, all the monstergirls have been like this since I won the battle. I was being treated with honor, respect, and loyalty, despite treating them the same way before, during, and after the battle. All the admiration and praise was getting on my nerves, especially when I wanted to do without it. Dealing with scorn and disdain is a lot easier, especially when I knew that people thought less of me. I hate having high expectations to live up to, as well as having to pick out who was just hiding what they really felt about me.

"F.u.c.k off. It's too early for questions." See, my response ought to have had Cell Phone-chan scoff, walk away, or hit me. Maybe even all three. However, none of that happened. Instead, the dragongirl laughed and shook her head.

I already knew what she thought, so I didn't ask because I wanted to avoid conversation, but she spoke aloud anyone.

"I agree. Silence in the morning is a blessing. My mother missed it quite a bit when we were born, as she told me and my siblings." Blah, Blah, Blah, Boring backstory without purpose. Cell Phone-chan, I understand that you've been working for me for several weeks, but you'll always, only be Cell Phone-chan to me. You're not even a Smartphone. Just a Cell Phone. That's not a great comparison between two things from a Japanese young man's point of view, lady. I can't even waste my life away on .png pictures of anime girls on you. "Did you have siblings of your own, before you were taken from your world by the Empire?"

Holy f.u.c.k.

Forget Cell-Phone.

You're now Brick-chan.

"Great and now I don't feel like eating. Thanks a lot, you ins.e.n.s.i.t.i.v.e, flying lizard." The miso, rice, and fish were all good. There's no denying the fact that I was enjoying Japanese cuisine of relatively high quality. However, was it made for me by my little sister, who I used to eat breakfast with everyday? That woke up one day alone in a house bereft of anyone else? That's not even thinking about anyone else besides Komachi. "Yes. I did. She was the best little sister an older brother could ask for. And, she and I used to eat breakfast and dinner together everyday."

Tch, would she even recognize me, if I got back? Not that there was a way back, because why the heck would the Empire care about its meatshields. However, as useless as the question was to consider, I had to wonder if my family would recognize me. The years weren't kind, even though I kept all my parts and pieces, I was definitely something that would be refurbished before being put back on the market. Burns, cuts, and other injuries that disfigured were the norm. I was lucky to just have a scar instead of a right cheek, when most people who fought Manticores lost their heads. There was also the fact that, even though I was in one piece, I wasn't exactly a school boy going to university.

As badass as it sounds to have your youth taken by war, it's actually pretty f.u.c.k.i.n.g shit.

"I'm… sorry. I'd thought it would inspire you against the Empire further."

"Well, it didn't. So, give me some of your food and eat mine, because I can't eat it without remembering now." Brick-chan thankfully had enough braincells to do what she's asked. How someone that thought the way she did got into Roseanne's retinue was beyond me. Wait, no, that's a lie. I understood perfectly why a simple-minded, strong person would be recruited by Roseanne. Like I'd already inferred, she was a Brick that was thrown at opponents or valiantly held the line. Hopefully, for Brick-chan's case, it would be the latter. "So, what do you really want to talk about? Who told you to talk to me? Why? Because, I don't believe for a second that you'd actually spend time with me if you had to."

Politics and intrigue wasn't my strong suit. Or rather, I didn't have practice in it and it's impossible to have any practice with all the eyes on me at all times. Back when I was fighting for the Empire, I didn't have to worry about politics and intrigue. A smart slave is just a smart slave. I dealt with any challenges to my leadership the easy way: setting lose my bodyguard Amazon on anyone who didn't like me. I either didn't matter or my bodyguard's big, giant cleaver did the talking. The rest of the time, I just spent my day thinking about ways not to die the next battle, which took up a lot of time.

"...The captain of the Royal Guard wants to know more of you, especially now that the Demon Lord wishes for us to protect you as we would protect her."

"Protect? Pfft, you mean watch my every move." Looking after someone goes both ways. Roseanne might have phrased it in a way that got her affection points from her medley of Bricks, but protecting someone requires constant attention on Party A by Party B. Asking me to be protected by a bunch of Dragons, who've spent their whole lives learning to look for danger and anything strange, is just shy of reaching the level of having an explosive collar around my neck. "And, here I was thinking that I'd get some freedom after being freed, but it looks like you all just pretend to be different."

I took a piece of fantasy meat and ate it.

More spicy, hotter, and fresher than usual, but it tasted like slavery as per usual.

I managed to give it a few good chews before being punched.

…

"I see that your charms have wooed yet another woman." Ur spoke coldly, cleanly, and with a smile, while I held a hunk of ice against my face. The tiny, toned terror had a war axe larger than me on her back, but she walked with utter ease. I'd like to say that while she was talented in the warrior aspects of this isekai's magic, I was good at the regular, blasty form of magic. That would be a lie, though. I'm shit at both. There's no balance in real life. Only measures of unfairness and chasms between those who have talent and those who do not. "Do you seriously believe that if you are repulsive enough, that the Demon Lord would leave you to your own devices, instead of keeping you in her plans, Hachiman?"

"Those are some big words for bait. Maybe, if you try hard enough, I'll start to think you have a brain instead of muscle between your ears." I fired back, but the smirk on Ur's face told me that my counterattack wasn't very effective. I suppose that coming from a tribal society, she was more well-versed in strong-arm politics than I was. If the chief of a tribe knew what you can do, and if what you threatened to be wasn't bad enough, they'll put you where they want you. Curse my modern sensibilities, they're keeping me trapped in jobs I don't want! "Tch. F.u.c.k it. How many have you scared off to go live actual, decent lives instead of being idiots?"

Currently, Roseanne's plans for me was to bring me back to the Capital. On the way there, we dealt with bandits, actual monsters, and other little things. And, by "we," I meant me. Every little thing I was doing was being spread across the whole of the Demon Lord's vast country. Yes, while I could be a shitty person in my immediate surroundings, my boss was waging a full-on publicity campaign for me for every good deed I'm doing by her orders. While I can harass Brick-chan, be a piece of shit, and otherwise just laze around camp when I'm not finding ways to not die, her minstrels, envoys, and whoever else listens to her spreads her word far and wide.

Obviously, I was being set up for something big.

"A few who have been seduced by some of the camp have left, along with some who had relations with one another in the division." Oh, goody, the Riajuus are all gone to live peaceful, living lives with their significant others. Come back this instant. Let the loners with nowhere to go leave and find love. You already have love, so stay with me and die in whatever convuluted shitshow I'm going to end up in! "Those who are staying believe that the only way to victory in this world is by following you."

"Tell them they're a bunch of idiots, then. I'm trapped here, but they don't need to be, dammit!" I replaced my piece of ice with another. It was exhausting to conjure up a piece of ice the size of my fist, but I'd learned it so that I wouldn't have to worry about shitty water in medieval times. With all my daily practice with magic over the last couple years, I am feared for my ability to make cold puddles. Yeah, things like Heal, Fireball, and other awesome, basic magic skills are for people with talent that get picked up by the Empire to be trained and sent elsewhere. "Bully them if you have to. They're free now, so they'll leave because they have an actual choice."

"You are a fool if you believe such a thing, but I will try." Ur shook her head and sighed. Oi, what's up with those words? Do you actually expect me to believe that I'm the MC and you're an important side character? Well, the truth is that we're both tertiary side characters who die in a few chapters in another person's story. The only way out is with a ritual involving either a rope or a knife. Wow, that's a lot more morbid than I thought. Hachiman-kun, are you okay? "However, please keep in mind, that If you were less obvious about your continuous attempts to make others frustrated, so that we would not find ourselves on another battlefield, you would make my job much easier."

"...I'm not that obvious." And, ignoring my glorious acting skills, most of my troops are idiots. The Empire recruited from a multitude of different worlds, implementing Mass Isekai protocols to the absolute maximum according to certain specifications, to have an endless well of slave-power to draw from. They looked for magic and brawn. Brains weren't searched for because the Empire believed they had plenty. Suffice to say, if I fooled the Empire for so long, then I should be able to fool my troops and my new boss with a little more effort. "Just go get rid of as much of them as possible, okay? There's no need to think too much. That's my job. Now, get going."

Ur left with a single nod, while I was left to ponder my next move.

More specifically, how was I going to be an asshole and make a political tragedy today?

...