My Vulnerary Husband- Our Journey Towards Love

||Eshan||

Not too many situations made me aphonic. However, the current situation not only made me speechless but also had me questioning my capability of speaking. The guilt of being the reason of her every misery, the guilt of failing her, the guilt of letting down Grandpa, and most importantly the guilt of not understanding how to resolve everything stole my voice. I could not vocalize what I was feeling.

What would one do being put in such a condition? Back in the room, I had thought it was yet another mirage of my mind. I had imagined Innaya for so many times in the past two months that I had long forgotten the difference between reality and illusion. I had apologized to her, just as I have been doing lately. Somewhere, I was aware that there was no point in lamenting about my misfortune for, I was the one to bring it upon myself.

Before I fainted, there was that feeling of Innaya being close to me, but how was that possible? She had no idea about my whereabouts; no one had an exception being Arjun. After getting conscious, it had finally dawned on me that Arjun had brought Innaya with him. She was here. I wasn't imagining her. Kneeling before her, holding her hands, it was all like a dream.

Innaya was looking beautiful- just like my new bride. The Anarkali suit complimented her color, and the beauty of those glass bangles was enhanced because she wore them. Her partition still held the vermilion of my name, and the wedding chain sat proudly around her neck. The knowledge that she had adorned every single symbol of our marriage was the reason that I somehow found my voice. Gathering my wits, I hesitated but nonetheless strengthened my hold on her hands.

I wanted- scratch that I needed something to hold on. Before my resolve could crumble, I needed to explain myself. I was always a good listener, and being on the other end, I had no idea from where to start. Her question unknowingly gave me the start I was looking for.

"I did." I whispered, and then clearing my throat once, I continued, "Not just once... every single second I wanted to come back, but I just could not. I was helpless," I admitted. It was the truth. I was helpless. There wasn't a single moment where I had not thought about her, where I didn't want to go back to her, but with what right?

"Why?" Innaya whispered. I could feel her eyes on me. However, I lowered my eyes to her l.a.p where I was holding her hands captive. Looking into her those sad, questioning eyes was torture. I had no strength to face her after how I had treated her.

Why? I had inquired that to myself every time I wanted to run back to her. The answer would come back within a snap of a finger. It might seem leaving was the option I had chosen when in reality, it was not even an option at all. I had to leave.

I was the reason behind her hospitalization. The excessive stress had lead to her breakdown, and eventually to the massive panic attack she had suffered in my presence. I had watched with my own eyes, how she had struggled and eventually laid lifelessly on the floor. I had died at that moment, never in my life, I had hated someone, as I was hating myself at that time.

"I am not sure how to tell you... I— I—" I opened and closed my mouth several times. I just couldn't find it in me. I did not know how to explain and what to explain. Innaya was expecting an explanation, and she had every right to. It was just that I couldn't, for I had no idea how to.

Breathing deeply, I let my mind wander to the beautiful smile that was lost from her face. Taking strength from her smiling face behind my closed eyes, I started, "I never wanted to confess my feelings the way I did. I acted on impulse, and the secret I had treasured to my heart from so long was out... just like that. You were already upset and then instead of clarifying everything... I had let my anger rule my sane mind. I had lost my mind."

The anger was returning as I recalled the events of that day. I was at fault. Had I not hidden things from her, she wouldn't have misunderstood me. If she hadn't misunderstood, then we wouldn't have had so many problems between us. Focusing on the contact between our skins, I waited until my anger dissipated. Getting angry at this point would do no good to me- to us. I had the first-hand experience of what my anger could do.

"I realized my mistake the moment I saw your crumpled form... All this time, I had cursed the person or reasons behind your nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, and this time... I was the one to be blamed." I heard her sharp intake of breath. I did not know why, but getting off everything off my c.h.e.s.t was starting to feel peaceful. Once I started talking, things were easily getting said aloud.

"Somewhere, I feared that you would blame me for this marriage. You would think that I had rushed everything because... because I was in love with you. However, trust me, it was not that case. I... I did not know that it would happen so suddenly. Grandpa and I had talked about it, and we were going to wait until you turn 24-25... Then Grandpa..." I abruptly stopped talking.

I could not sit anymore without breaking into the tears. Quickly leaving her hands, I stood up and walked away from her. I neared the glass wall from where the whole garden could be seen. Hot tears gathered in my eyes, and I allowed myself to have some time to gulp down the sorrow of that unfortunate day when Grandpa had a heart attack and later left us.

That day was forever etched on my mind. Grandpa had fallen in front of me. The once strong man I had come to know of was lifeless within a matter of a few hours.

I quickly wiped the tears that rolled down my eyes when I heard Innaya's approaching footsteps. She stopped just behind me for a moment longer and then moved to the other corner. She leaned on the pillar. Tinkling sound of her glass bangles as she moved somehow felt music to my ears, calming my distressed nerves somewhat. I noticed, she hadn't said the word yet.

I realized she was waiting for me to continue and at the same time did not push me for the same. She was giving me time. She was waiting for me to open up, and I appreciated her unvoiced support.

"When I was taking him to the hospital... he had me swear on you to marry you. He knew eventually I will put forth the marriage proposal, but I don't know why... He took the promise that I will take care of you and your family. I would have done that without binding you in this forced relationship if..." I could not complete it. It was hard, and the lump in my throat was not helping either. I couldn't understand the urging behavior of Grandpa at that time, maybe he had a premonition about his death.

"If what?" Innaya asked, and her voice held an edge to it. She was angry. It was understandable. Which girl in her sane mind would approve of such deceit? One way or another, she was bound to think that it was my ploy. However, the fact that she could imagine something along the line had shattered me. I had done no such things, but I had no proof to prove my innocence. That day it was all between Grandpa and me, no one else knew about it.

"It was a couple of months later Grandpa's demise that Naina Mom called me regarding our marriage. She had asked me to bring my family. Trust me Innaya, I had no idea. I was happy taking care of you from the distance." My fingers found my hair, and I pulled them in frustration.

Everything had spiraled out of control when Naina Mom told me about her decision. I had argued, pleaded to her to not to bind us this early. Innaya was grieving, and so was I - for Grandpa, but so were she and GrandMa. However, the reason she gave me was enough to drop my resistance.

I could never let Innaya break any more than she already was. Grandpa's death had already taken a toll on her, and if she knew about her Mom's condition, then God knew what would have happened.

I rubbed my aching forehead. I rested my forehead against the glass wall, my shoulders slumped, and a treacherous tear rolled down. I welcomed the relief cool glass was providing. It was getting rather difficult to control myself. Innaya's words had cut me deep that day. Every day, I would remember her words, and the pain hidden behind them. I couldn't erase her words from my mind.

"I could not bring myself to face you. The hatred in your eyes that day was-" I choked on my words.

"I had rewind that day so many times in my mind hoping I could change the happenings anyhow... it was futile. Your words... they were a constant reminder of what a failure of husband I am. I failed you and myself." I bit back the sob. I was not the emotional person to cry, but these days all I seem to do was crying.

"Oh, Eshan!" Innaya's warm hands came around me, and I was spun before her soft body crashed into mine. Her unexpected gesture was startling. I was stunned, frozen to be exact.

"It's not your fault. It was never. You are a wonderful person, and husband too. You did not fail anyone." Her words were slow, and as if she was trying to assure me. However, I felt guiltier because of her kindness. She was always like this- she just could not see anyone in pain. Despite everything, a smile formed on my lips. Her kind behavior was her strength, as well as weakness.

"I did Innaya... I did. You were in pain, and all because of me." I tried removing myself from her after recovering from my shock. You do not deserve her. My mind chanted, and though I wanted to revert, my heart said the same. I did not deserve her.

"So were you Eshan, so were you. You have punished yourself more than enough needed. Stop apologizing, please." Innaya insisted with her head resting right across my heart. It just felt right as if my heart was desperately waiting for her warmth.

"It should be another way around. I was at fault. I am not justifying anything, but I am assuming Grandpa told you about my past. It was only he, who knew what it did to me. Trusting someone was never easy, but slowly and steadily... I was opening up to you. So don't for a second think, you failed someone," Innaya firmly warned me. She pulled back little and started tilting her head upwards.

The moment her brown eyes brimming with tears raised at me, I found myself falling for her all over again. At that moment, nothing mattered— Past, fight, misunderstanding, guilt, agony- nothing. Absolutely nothing mattered. The reverence and tenderness with which she was gazing at me had my insides fluttering with delight. Removing her left hand from my back, she brought it to my cheek, c.a.r.e.s.sing it.

It was as if I was frozen at my place- I watched her tiptoeing. Her hand went behind my nape, pulling me down.

What was she doing?