One Day in California

"s..s...sist?" my hands trembling. The voice I haven't heard for years, the presence of a sister that slowly fade away, but I still can recognize her voice. It's really Cindy.

"STEFFI ! IS THAT REALLY YOU ?" I heard Cindy's voice shaking on the phone, followed by another sobs. It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope.

"You...you have to come back home Steffi ! Dad's life.... can't hold it any longer ! You have to meet him !" there's gasping wails echoed around the empty room.

"Sist.... What..happen?" I still couldn't talk properly, hardly move my tongue. I was shocked and terrified at the same time. There's a feeling inside the chest, deep inside.. I afraid losing my dad.

"Dad has a heart disease since 3 years ago..... We've done.... a lot of surgeries... or medical .....but... and now he..... is suffering...this... is.... Too...bad Steffi.... He....... wants to.... meet you so........ bad" she stuttered, hardly speak properly, but I understand every single words she implied. In Cindy's sobbing was the sound of a heart breaking. My body couldn't hold the gravity, as it shaking, wobbling, and falling to my knees, left me boneless. My eyes are wide open. Why... why dad..

The pain I carry in my chest is inexplicable. I hate him in the past, but deep inside I still love my dad so much, I want to see him for the last time. The very last time before he leaves this world. Noah's words echoing inside my head. Yes, I should go and meet him for the last time.

I drowned in sadness, I can't pull myself to stand yet tears come in such generous streams as I long for a hand to reach up.

The long minutes drag into even longer hours but I refuse to look at the clock again and again. The last time I peep the clock they are just 3 a.m. It would be enough to send my heart racing and undo the calming effect of being so restful. I can't sleep, can't stop thinking about my dad. It was all my fault, I left the town without saying a single word. I delete my social medias, I change my messenger's account, at first I thought it was better this way.

I texted Lily, Lily must have asleep. But I hope she replied me in the morning, I know she will, I don't know... I just can't think properly right now. I have to go home, I have to meet my dad. I have to say sorry.

Deep inside this heart there's another thing...Noah...it just hard for me to leave Noah, I mean everything here is just pretty, I just planned to stay longer, but I have no choice. I'm sorry Noah... I know.. I am just a nobody to you, but you've been a very good –friend of mine, even though the feelings I felt is far different from a word FRIEND.

I turn the lights on, drag the drawer from my bedside table, tear a paper from my black –diary, I grab a pen and start writing. My eyes shifted to the side again, became glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As I blinked, they dripped from my eyelids, slid down to my cheeks.

It's still early in the morning, Jane usually arrive at 7, I've packed my stuffs, ready for the flights. Noah comes everyday between 9 -10 a.m. in the morning for an Americano, I will pass the letter to either Jane or Cara and I will talk to my boss. I have to let Noah knows too, at least he knows I am leaving, I am not leaving for a while which means I might not come back. It's hard for me to say goodbye to him, everything is just hard.

It is the time. The time I knew would come sooner or later but dreaded. I had to say goodbye to the only person that I felt cared, to the only person that I felt happy with. How was I supposed to just do it without feeling like I've lost a part of me? All those times when we talk, joke, laugh and other normal things we usually do will leave me scars of leaving you, there's always a thing lack of something inside me because you are not by my side anymore. When I almost forgot how it felt to be care of, he was the one who showed me. When I felt like the world was falling apart around me, he made me feel as though it wasn't so bad. When I felt like nothing could make me feel better, he somehow managed to put even the silliest things he might do to cheer me up, it is just beautiful Noah. I afraid I am losing my way to come back to you, but every end has a new beginning and I hope the new beginning is the dawn of something special, I hope you are doing fine Noah.

There's a song played in my airpods. Day 1 – HONNE , playing Noah Hoskin's playlist in the application. He saved his favorite songs in the internet.

I turn my body back looking at the L.A. airport towering above the light blue sky. It's hard for me to leave this town. I don't want to leave this town, especially the little memories Noah made for me still bubbling inside my head.

The time when I accidentally bumped into you..

The time when I met you at Santa Monica..

The time when I met you at the cliff...

The time when you shared your sandwiches..

The time when we walked home together..

The time you care so much about me...

The time when you bought me Sushi..

The time we spent during Halloween night..

The time when you bought me that cute skeleton necklace..

The time when you drove me to Griffith Observatory...

The time when you gave me that kiss....

The time when we watched the fireworks together...

The time when we made promise with pinky fingers...

Everything is just beautiful, with you inside. Ah, it's more than precious or beautiful.. They are more than that, I don't even know how to describe it.

There is such sadness in leaving a place of strong love. I grab my phone from my coat, watching the wallpaper on my lock screen as I sniffed a smile. The picture of us at the cliff, that first time you talked to me properly, the picture you took with my camera, when I am not ready. Somehow it looks cute..

Now, they will become "just a memory". Nothings more than that....

I am both happy and sad at the same time. I am sad because I have to leave this town leaving Noah without saying goodbye, he must be pissed off, and I am happy because I spent the whole time in L.A. with him. How I wish I could stay longer with him. I must have done a lot of things, like what Noah promised me, such a sweet guy.. I guess I don't have to be so sad.. I used to be so strong.

In the airport

I've just landed, Lily's text message popped up from my phone –screen.

"I'm so sorry dear.. text me if anything happen, I'll try my best to help you"

"Thanks Lily, I've arrived. I hope to see you soon"

"STEFFI !!" Cindy yelled as she came approaching me from the far, hugging me so tight I can barely breath, her fiancé is with her. I saw a wedding ring on his finger. They are married. I just realized how long they've lost myself.

"We miss you so much little sist" she sniffed in tears. I tap her back gently, "Me too" replied her with a soft smile across my face. It's been so long.

On our way home, I didn't say a word and so they are. We are in sorrow right now, nothing's good to share. Cindy doesn't even talk about his marriage to me. I can tolerate her, I mean it was my fault too. I was leaving without saying a word. But I was curious, how can they find my phone number? Lily doesn't know them, so I don't think Lily did.

As we arrived in the hospital, three of us running into the elevator, Cindy quickly push the 6th button. We are running out of time, since I need at least a day flight to arrive here. My heart's beating faster, in my heart I keep praying to God to let me see and talk to dad even for a while. I want to say sorry to him, I don't want to keep the guilt inside my heart forever. And... I .. miss...dad...

I push the ICU door, bring me inside the room with eyes wide open, sniffing my fingers. Clara gives me a hug "Steffi" and sobs, then I see my dad waving his stiff hand towards me, smiling stiff as he hardly moved his jaw. He is in pain, but he is waiting for my presence. Thank God I still got time.

"Dad...." I called him.. tears bursting down like waterfalls. I run towards him, give him a very gentle hug, a long lost hug. "Dad..." still sobbing like little kid. "I am sorry.. I leave without saying a word....I should have stayed beside you" my breathing was ragged, gasping, eating my own guilts. This is worse than a broken heart I've ever felt.

Dad swayed his hand slowly across my hair. "It's okay Steffi....." he took another deep hoarse breath, he taps my back gently as the thin pipe following his gestures, his big crinkled hands are in pain, those injections are aching his veins "I am the one that should be...sorry" another hoarse breath, deeper.." I am sorry to believe those kind of ..things... I realize... I should have...." deeper hoarse breath "treated you  better.... You... have to stay contact with your...sisters...." His hand is shaking, he closed his eyes taking another hoarse breath "We ....all...love....you.."

TIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT..................

Long leaking voice from the monitor, dad loosened his arm, now falling to the empty space. The moment I feel really really hurt inside the chest, more than I've ever felt... this time I lost my dad.. forever... I can't even see him anymore... he is.. totally gone... leaving this world...

My eyes drip with tears. I always been so self-conscious when I cry but now I just give the way to the enormity of my grief. I sobbed into my hands and the tears dripped between my fingers, raining down onto dad's crinkled skin. My walls, the walls that hold me up and make me strong just... collapse. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching my shirt.

I never experienced grief this bad before. Every memory played like a song in my head, repeating itself for what seemed like forever. I remember the time when I was a kid and the youngest among all, since Cindy and Clara is older than me. Dad used to hold me onto his lap, making a cute brurp –brup sound as we are driving a boat, Cindy and Clara will be the boat keeper. I still remember when the time dad and mom were still together. We went to karaoke every Sunday, mostly sang children's song or Mandarin old song of their teenage time. I always love having them around me.. far before it happened.

At first, I thought grief was something bad that takes you ten feet under but soon I learned that it was just the price we had to pay for loving someone.

I sank to my knees at the tiny grave, not caring for the damp mud that dirtied my dress. My tears mingled with the rain, gasping wails echoed around the gravestones. I never got to tell him I love him one last time....