Snowflake: Frozen Child

"So, what happened to you 18 years ago?" Pherein asked Joy when the four of them arrived home. Angela sat next to Joy while Pherein sat next to Jhay on the opposite sofa, grasping her daughter's hand tightly.

"I..." Joy said stuttering while grabbing the cloth around her shoulders. Angela bought some clothes for Joy before going into Jhay's house.

"They never listened to me..." Joy started. Her voice cracked and she looked so lonely. Her hands were trembling as her left index finger scratching her right thumb uncontrollably. She repeatedly bite her lips whenever she tried to speak again. The nervousness and sadness collided can be seen in her brown eyes. She looked down on the floor and sighed heavily. Large drops of tears escaped from her eyes as she said, "I want to see my child just once."

Jhay dared not to look at Joy or she might end up crying too.

Come to think of it, Jhay always wanted to know where she came from. She always wanted to know who carried her for nine months before. Now that Joy was there, Jhay didn't know how to react.

"I...I.."

"Can I talk in her behalf?" Angela tried to speak but Jhay warned her.

"I dare you to speak and I swear I'll never believe everything you'll say" Jhay said with a straight face. She felt sad, she felt confused and lost. She thought, "What will happen now?"

Angela closed her mouth like a fish and remained silent. Jhay looked at Joy humbly as if she was telling her that everything is gonna be fine.

"Can I have a time alone with you? I promise I won't do anything that will hurt you or Pherein. Just please let me have a chance to talk with you, Jhay?" Joy said. Jhay looked into Joy's eyes and

she saw herself like how she sees herself in the mirror. That unspeakable feeling you get when you finally found the thing you've always searching for. Jhay bowed down her head and looked at Pherein. Pherein gave her a smile that could fool you if you only look into that smile and not the sadness in their eyes.

"Can we?" Jhay asked Pherein and her mother nodded obediently. Angela accompanied Pherein outside and she asked for a tea. Jhay bowed down her head as long as she could and avoided Joy's gaze.

"Jhay, please look at me" Joy said. Jhay shook her head and bit her lips to stop herself from crying.

"Please please, look at me, honey" Joy begged. Jhay cried in silence and remained bowing her head. She could feel her hot tears watering the cloth that covered her l.a.p.

"Okay, I won't force you. But please listen to me, okay?" Joy started. Jhay nodded her head slowly. She pleaded in her mind, "Please don't ask me to come with you. Please don't ask me to live with you. Please don't ask me to leave Pherein for you."

"There was a guy named Bryan. I, Joy liked him very much, no, I love him very much." Joy started. Jhay's eyes widened as she heard her adopted father's name.

"Wait, who's Bryan?" Jhay asked still bowing her head. Joy sighed and said, "Your father"

Jhay covered her face with her hands and sighed in disbelief.

"He said if I will carry the baby for him, he will marry me" Joy said.

Jhay protested in silence as she thought, "But daddy was married 25 years ago. How could he said that he will marry you?!"

"I had no idea that the woman who was with him in the laboratory room was his wife. He told me he only loves me and that woman never said a single word behind him" Joy said. Jhay thought, "Should I believe Joy?"

Jhay could not imagine that her parents could do that.

"Jhay forgive me for not fighting for you before. Forgive me I was so ignorant. Jhay, please look at me" Joy said sobbing. Jhay could hear her choking and gulping in between her sobs.

"Please don't make me do this" Jhay begged. Joy tried to lift her child's face and made her look into her eyes but Jhay tried her best to look away.

"Why won't you look at me?" Joy asked in a whispered tone.

"Why are you so afraid of facing me? Don't be scared, I am your mother, Jhay. Please look at me" Joy begged.

"That's why I am afraid" Jhay said while sobbing, not laying an eye on her surrogate mother.

"That's why I am scared. Because you are my mother" Jhay said and started hiccuping.

"Now, tell me what am I supposed to do?" Jhay asked and finally looked directly into Joy's sorrowful eyes.

"Tell me that I don't have to choose. Tell me that I don't have to make a choice. Tell me that everything will be fine after this. Tell me right now. Can I not choose you? Can I not choose her?" Jhay asked.

"Jhay, Jhay, listen to me" Joy cupped Jhay's face and made her look into her eyes.

"You've been together with Pherein for more than ten years, isn't that long enough for her to return you to me?" Joy asked. Right after Jhay heard her said it, Jhay cried badly that she almost shouted. Jhay thought, "Ten years wasn't enough. I never showed her my love for more than a year yet"

"I treated her like a stranger" Jhay whispered with her fingers near her trembling mouth.

"I never smiled to her. I never talked to her properly. I never ate together with her. I ignored her. I never cared for her. I never treated her like my mother! How is ten years of no connections could be enough?!" Jhay asked crying.

"I was just starting to love her and now... And now you're telling me to leave her?"

"Jhay, please give me a chance. I know it sounds selfish but can you please hear me once?" Joy said and slipped herself on the floor. She kneeled down in front of Jhay and begged. Joy placed her forehead on Jhay's l.a.p hopelessly as she kept saying "Please choose me".

Jhay wanted to call her mom. Jhay wanted to hug her. Jhay wanted to tell her, 'it's okay'. Jhay wanted to be with her. Jhay wanted to accept her.

Should I be happy?

Jhay felt like her senses stopped working. And when Jhay was about to hug Joy, the door suddenly opened and it revealed someone who was very familiar to her.

"Locrene?!" The woman standing right at the door was Jessica.

"Mommy?" Jhay's adopted mother. Jhay felt her brain exploded together with her heart. She felt her eyes closed on its own and her ears started to hear broken music and noises.

"Jhay?!" Jhay heard them calling her name but her head felt so heavy she thought she could die. Jhay's heart beated rapidly that she could barely breath.

"Jhay! honey hang in there?!"

Jhay's mind began to think chaotically, "Was it Joy calling me? Or was it Mommy? Is Pherein still here? Ms. Angela?"

"You're gonna be okay, honey?" Jhay heard her mommy's voice and she felt a hand c.a.r.e.s.sing her forehead, the other massaging her lifeless hand. Jhay heared voices of women calling out her name. Jhay felt it was too noisy, she just wanted to sleep.

"Jhay, honey!" Jhay heard someone crying.

"Mommy?" Jhay called the owner of the voice and she heard a sigh of relief before Jessica hugged her.

"Thank goodness, honey you're okay!" Jessica whispered into Jhay's ear and kissed her daughter's forehead. Jhay was half awake as she saw Joy and Pherein sitting on the floor not far away from her. Two woman stared at her with lonely eyes before she shut her eyes and felt safe inside those arms.

"Mommy, I want to sleep" Jhay mumbled like a child demanding for a glass of milk. Jhay felt a tender hand c.a.r.e.s.sed her forehead before she closed her eyes.

"Yes honey, you can sleep now" Jessica whispered and Jhay felt a pair of arms carried her.

"Jhay, don't be afraid it's me, Damian. You're gonna be fine, okay. Stay there with me, okay?" Jhay heard a man's voice and she could imagine him grinning at her.

"Haji?" Jhay said half crying. She heard a disappointed sigh before the guy answered her.

"Yes! Yes! It's me, Haji! Now close your eyes, okay?" the guy said. Just as what Jhay always do when Haji tells her to do something. Jhay carefully closed her eyes and let the Haji in her mind carried her.

.

.

.

"Jhay, can you hear me?" Jhay heard Damian's voice in the background. She could hear the radio playing.

So honey now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

"How exactly do you want to die?" jhay asked herself.

How?

"Does anybody wanted a scripted death? An expected death? Do I want to die according to my own guts?"

"If I got to answer how I exactly want to die. I want to die like I never existed in the first place. So that the people who were supposed to suffer for my death will no longer feel any pain."

But...

"Would it be selfish if I let that happen? If the people who treasured me would feel empty than lonely, would it make them feel better or worse?"

Now let me rephrase it.

How exactly do I want to die?

"I want to die as me. Not as how people see me. Not as how I want to see myself. I want to die as who I am."

Place your head on my beating heart

I'm thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are

"Jhay, can you wake up now?" Jhay heard Damian's tired voice and she slowly opened her eyes. Damian released a sigh of relief and was about to call the others but Jhay stopped him by holding his wrist.

"I need a break" Jhay said. Jhay believed that if her mothers would find out that she was already awake, they would rush towards that room and Jhay might suffer from panic attack again. Jhay used to have panic attacks when she was small and her mommy knew how to take good care of her. It never happened when she was with Pherein so Jhay assumed that Pherein never knew anything about it. Jhay was so shocked that she wasn't able to bear the tension between the unexpected situations.

"What will you do now?" Damian asked with a worried face. Jhay gave him a smile, a sad one. She made up her mind.

"Damian, I've made up my mind. I was just too carried away. I was just too eager to meet my mothers. I don't want to see them ended up in court with lawyers and tons of papers and prove who among them deserves to be my mother" Jhay said in a familiar tone.

"Is Haji inside you?" Damian asked sarcastically. Just now, Jhay realized that she talked like Haji. Just how much she missed him that she started imitating him? Jhay rolled her eyes at Damian and squated on the hospital bed.

"I'm no longer a kid. I can take care of myself. I don't want them to fight over for me. I don't even deserve them" Jhay said while bowing her head. It was a long wait, too long that she forgot she was already a grown up.

She was no longer a kid.

"Don't say that, you know you do" Damian said.

"Do I?" Jhay asked sarcastically and Damian nodded mischeviously.

"So, what are you going to do?" Damian asked seriously and started peeling Haji's favorite fruit, orange.

"I'll be living on my own." Damian almost crushed his orange and looked at Jhay in disbelief.

"Are you sure?" He asked, Jhay nodded seriously with her lips slighty pursed.

"It's for the better, for everybody and for me. I know you can hear me!" Jhay said loudly towards the door. She could sense them eavesdropping on the door, her mothers. The four of them including Angela came inside the room. Jhay had to say it unless she didn't want to do it.

"Okay..." Jhay took a deep breath and continued

"Ma, Mom, Mommy, I've made up my mind. I'm not coming with any of you. I'm a grown up now. I will be needing your support and I hope you will understand." Jhay said trying not to be too emotional. They nodded simultaneously as Jhay tried her best to make them understand. That way they would feel equal. That way, Jhay won't feel guilty anymore. Her father Bryan passed away five years ago, Jhay's mommy said. Jhay thought, "It is really too late to go back now."

*

*

*

JHAY made schedules and dates for the three of them and they agreed. They decided to buy a house for her but Damian's parents offered to let Jhay live with them. It was a big help.

That would be a new beggining for all of them .

.

.

.

One month later...

"Jhay, I need to tell you something" Damian said right after he placed his guitar beside him. They were sitting on the living room and enjoying the cold weather with the heavy rain outside. It has been rainy lately. Damian cleared his throat before he said something that really affected Jhay.

"I know where Haji is"