Tales From the Terran Republic

Pain.

More pain.

Karashel groaned and weakly extended one of her eyes.

"She's awake!" a familiar voice screeched.

"Caw?" she asked weakly.

"Thank the Ancient Gardeners!" he said as he reached into the clear gelatin that surrounded her to grasp one of her tendrils.

"What happen-" she started to ask when exactly what happened, in all its glory, came crashing down on her.

She rapidly retracted her eyestalk.

"Oh no!" she moaned.

"Oh yes!" Caw laughed. "I have to say that when you Baleel do Xvakk'Keen, you guys go all out!"

Karashel sank deeper into the strange gelatin. Wait. What was this stuff? For that matter, where was she?

"Do I want to know where I am?" Karashel asked.

"No," Caw chortled, "but I'll tell you anyway. You are on board the Darksea's Mysteries, a Kalent diplomatic vessel."

"What?!?" Karashel spluttered as she breached the gelatin-like a mini-humpback whale as the embassy's doctor and a kalent entered the room

"Fuck!" Caw screeched as he jumped back. "I just got the last of your slime off of me!"

Karashel gasped in horror as that particular detail came roaring in.

"Oh my creator, I am so so so so sorry!" she cried.

"Eh," Caw laughed, "what's a little attempted murder between friends?"

"Buh… whuh?" Karashel spluttered as half a dozen questions all lodged in her brain at once.

"Yes, you are really on a mysterious Kalent ship," Caw said as the Kalent and Baleel doctor started fussing over her. "Why?" Caw continued, "Because they like you. Second why, because they have treatment facilities ideally suited for molluscoids. Why do they have them? None of your fucking business," Caw grinned.

Caw backed up as the two doctors crowded in with multiple sensors.

"No, there isn't a diplomatic incident," Caw continued, "Yes, we had to give Ambassador Marsamen a mild sedative. For someone with such a sensitive position, he does NOT handle crisis well," Caw laughed. "As far as your homeworld goes, I cannot make any guarantees, but I can assure you that they will be informed that the very high regard with which both the Xx and the Kalent regard you is absolutely NOT transferable. As far as we are concerned, this entire affair is so boringly tame in comparison to the nonsense we deal with on a regular basis that it's a non-issue, as long as you stay off of those five-threes."

"Seriously," the Kalent doctor added, "You definitely do not want to take those. Hire the Humans or the Vas-sk'ell to whip up something more suited to your people. We purged your system, so addiction shouldn't be a concern, but that doesn't help the psychological-"

"Oh, I'm never touching one of those again!" Karashel exclaimed. "Void, no!"

"Well, at least something good has come from all of this," Caw said with a smile. "I would love to stay here with you longer, but I have a few things that I simply cannot ignore any longer if I want to keep my job, which I don't but still, duty and all that garbage."

Caw leaned in past the doctors and gently patted Karashel's head.

"Rest up, and I'll see you soon."

Caw looked up at the ceiling.

"I'm ready to leave this miserable excuse of a freighter," he proclaimed in a loud and clear voice.

The door to the room slid open as two Kalent bots entered.

"This way, Xx!" one of the Kalent said unpleasantly.

"Well, what do you think, doctor?" the Kalent physician asked the Baleel after Caw departed.

"The patient's electrolytes are all over the place, and she is still terribly dehydrated, but she is definitely in the clear now." the Balean doctor said as he smiled at Karashel. "She can be safely relocated to our embassy at any time."

"Excellent!" the Kalent said cheerfully. "Oh!" he exclaimed as he looked at the wall of his tank, "That journal query just came back!"

"It did?!?"

"I would love to discuss the findings with you if you have a moment," the Kalent replied.

"Absolutely!" the Baleel replied, bobbing up and down with excitement.

***

"Why didn't you just let me die?" Karashel moaned a few hours later as she painfully crawled out of a silvery lander parked on the Balean Embassy's front yard.

"Professional pride," the doctor chuckled. "and I wasn't inclined to let you get off so lightly."

"Asshole," Karashel muttered.

"Asshole!" the doctor exclaimed, laughing. "I'm going to have to start using that!"

"Feel free."

The door of the embassy opened, and Ambassador Marsamen was standing in the opening, glaring at her.

"The Foreign Minister wants you to call her, now." he said stiffly.

Fuck.

***

Karashel just stood there, trying not to slump too badly, in the empty communications room as a stern-faced Baleel silently glared at her from a holo-monitor.

Seconds seemed like days.

Finally, the other spoke.

"Had a fun night, did we?" they asked, their voice dripping with sarcasm and disdain.

Karashel twitched and retracted her eyestalks.

"Five-threes? Seriously?" the Baleel asked, "What are you, sixteen?"

Karashel just stood there silently praying for death.

"Can you offer me any reason not to send a ship to haul your naked, drug-addled person back here to face dismissal and prosecution?"

Karashel tried not to slime as her eye-stalks drooped.

"Well?" the baleel asked, "Can you?"

"No, Minister Berkakel," Karashel said in a tiny voice.

"Well, fortunately for you, you do not have to," the foreign minister said stiffly. "I have had the most confusing conversations with high ranking members of both the Xx and the Kalent who have made it very clear that they hold you in VERY high regard even to the point that the Kalent say that they 'owe' you a favor that won't be extended to anyone else should you lose your position."

The Foreign Minister chuckled and wiggled in their equivalent of shaking their head.

"The Xx even seem strangely impressed by your little one girl 'bounce party'. They kept going on about the details as if they were something to be celebrated! Can you tell me why?"

"It's a cultural thing," Karashel said weakly.

"Do you have any idea what you did," the Foreign Minister asked, "any idea of what has happened as a result?"

"What happened?" she asked, dreading the answer.

"On second thought," Minister Berkakel said, "it wasn't what you did. It's what we did, I guess."

"What did we do?" Karashel bubbled in horror.

The Foreign Minister wiggle-shrugged.

"We impressed them," she said in a confused tone of voice. "We tickle-holing impressed them. Both the Xx and the Kalent are 'amazed' by the embassy doctor's ability to 'adapt and improvise' as Councilor Itsheesh put it as well as 'rapidly acquire and even create knowledge'. The Kalent said the same, I think. They said that 'someone important' was 'suitably impressed'. They didn't say who, but they seemed to think it was very important. I asked if they meant Councilor Itsheesh."

"Oooh," Karashel winced.

"Yeah," the Foreign Minister said as their eyestalks reflexively retracted, "I don't think the Kalent like the Xx very much."

"I don't know about that," Karashel replied, "but they definitely don't like Caw."

"Caw?"

"Oh, sorry," Karashel said, "Councilor Itsheesh."

"Anyway, the Kalent were so taken with the doctor that they want to keep him."

"Really?!?"

"They have offered him a 'research fellowship' in their home system," the Foreign Minister said in a matter-of-fact tone. "It seems that they have some sort of university there where they host 'promising individuals' and allow them to study and work with them. It would likely be a one-way trip, but he would be able to communicate with us and send medical advancements as he develops them."

"Holy shit!" Karashel blurted and then gasped, "Sorry, ma'am, I mean-"

"That was about my reaction as well," the Foreign Minister replied, "though I did manage a bit more decorum. They are offering to teach him one-on-one and work with him in order to advance our knowledge of life sciences, and it doesn't stop there. The Xx have also taken an interest in us, it seems."

"Huh?"

"It seems that Councilor Itsheesh was impressed by several embassy staff members, the doctor included. He said that they all were incredibly resourceful and adaptable, and capable of innovation under trying conditions. He said he saw 'sufficient lack of idiocy' that he wishes us to send a group of scholars to their homeworld to 'see if they would like a taste'."

The Foreign Minister sighed.

"You seem to be more knowledgeable concerning the Xx and Kalent than any other Baleel," she said, "as well as you seem to be familiar enough with the councilor of the Xx to be on a first-name basis. How do we refuse without offending them, preferably while still enjoying their favorable opinion?"

"What?!?" Karashel blurted, so stunned she had forgotten how miserable she felt, "Why?!? Why would you pass that up?!?"

"Things are very delicate right now in the Federation," the Foreign Minister said gravely, "You, of all people, should know that. This is a time for stability, not foolhardy and potentially dangerous risk taking."

"What risk?" Karashel demanded, advancing towards the screen. "This is an opportunity we aren't going to get again! We have the chance to learn directly from not one but two elder races!"

"And just what happens when they find out how stupid we actually are?" the Foreign Minister replied. "Our position is… less than entirely secure as it is, and one misstep from any of them could completely undo any regard that you have somehow managed to accrue? You are already quite enough of a liability, thank you very much!"

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe," Karashel shouted, "that we aren't stupid?"

The Foreign Minister just looked at her.

"Seriously?" the Foreign Minister scoffed. "Have you seen our tech? It's a fucking joke."

"Have we ever actually tried?" Karashel yelled. "Are you going to pass on a once in a fucking lifetime, once in a hundred lifetime, chance because of culture shock and learned helplessness? Do you want us to be a fucking third-world nation for the rest of time?"

"Culture shock?" the Foreign Minister said, looking confused, "Learned helplessness? Third-world nation?"

"Oh, sorry," Karashel said, "Those terms mean-"

"I would be terribly confused," the Foreign Minister snarled, "Fortunately I have access to a handy reference that clearly defines all of those terms, and a great deal more it seems,"

"Really?" Karashel asked. It was her turn to be confused.

"Yes," the Foreign Minister said in an icy voice, "Your computer."

Karashel's lymph froze as her hearts actually stopped beating for a moment.

fffffffffuck.

***

The cargo bay of The Paper Tiger was a whirlwind of controlled chaos as everyone ran around pulling racks of missiles, cartons of ammunition, and pieces of equipment back and forth in a riot of activity.

Amid all of this frantic rushing, however, there was one tiny little island of peace and contentment.

Sheloran hummed happily to herself as she unpacked another orange cylinder with a red stripe down the side.

She looked at a tablet next to her carefully for a few moments.

She unsealed another box and withdrew a red sphere, placed it on top of the cylinder, and snapped it into place.

The assembly issued a happy little "beep".

Still humming, she placed it next to a dozen others on her work table.

A hurried flapping of Kalesh flippers came to a stop behind her…

followed by a strange gurgling sound.

She turned around and smiled at The Chief.

"Hi!" she beamed, "I'm almos-"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?" The Chief bellowed at her.

Sheloran recoiled at the unbridled rage that slammed against her.

"I'm assembling the deton-"

"YOU FUCKING PAIRED THEM?!?"

"i..." she squeaked.

The Chief grabbed one and waved it at her.

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE ARE?!?"

"detonatorsforthe-"

"FOR THE WHAT?!?" The enraged Kalesh tech shouted, advancing upon her, "FOR THE FUCKING WHAT?!?"

Sheloran feebly pointed at a rack of nearby missiles.

"THOSE ARE FOR ASGM12'S!!!" The Kalesh yelled, his entire core shaking.

He shoved a wide fleshy manipulator towards the missiles.

"THOSE ARE ASGMF30'S!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

"butthetabletsaid-" Sheloran squeaked, backing away.

"Oh, they are fucking…" he muttered. "WE CAN'T SEPARATE THESE NOW!!! DID YOU FUCKING ARM THEM?!?"

"No!" Sheloran squealed.

"Hey, Chief," Jessie said as she rushed up, "Lay off, dude."

"I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO KEEP HER OUT OF HERE!" The Chief yelled.

"We need everyone who can help, and she can help!" Bunny snapped over a nearby speaker. "Don't blame her for your piss-poor supervisory skills."

"I DIDN'T TELL HER TO DO THIS!" The Chief shouted. "I DIDN'T EVEN TELL HER HOW TO DO THIS!"

"I'll fix it!" Sheloran squeaked, reaching for a sensor/detonator set.

The Chief snatched it away from her.

"YOU CAN'T, YOU STUPID FROG!!!"

"No," Sheloran said, reaching for another set, "All you have to do is just-"

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THOSE!!!" The Chief bellowed.

"iwasjusttryingtohelp..." Sheloran squeaked, tears starting to form in her eyes.

"OH, YOU HELPED, ALRIGHT!" The Chief yelled. "YOU FUCKING HELPED PLENTY!!!"

"Back the fuck off!" a deep, very dangerous voice growled as Eno walked up.

Silence fell over the cargo bay. Eno was a very kind and gentle person, but even Gloria didn't push him once he started sounding like that…

not after last time.

Sheila ran up at a sprint. Gloria going Yellowstone was one thing. Eno popping his crust was another!

"AT EASE!" Sheila barked.

Everyone in the bay, except for Sheloran, had to fight the instinct to snap to parade-rest.

Most failed.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Sheila asked in a very annoyed voice.

"The goddamn frog fucked up the-"

Eno inhaled and seemed to grow another foot

"Stop," Sheila said, holding her finger up in front of The Chief. "Did I ask for your opinion on what the fuck is going on here, or did I ask what the fuck is going on here?"

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Let me try again," she seethed. "What are the specific events that transpired before I had to run over here to stop the medic from making extra work for himself?"

"She started assembling and pairing the wrong sensors and detonators for the ASGMF-30's!"

"I see," Shelia said, "you had an unqualified person pair the det-pacs?"

"NO!" the chief yelled. "I TOLD her to STAGE the detonators, the GREEN detonators and the YELLOW-"

"Stop," Sheila said, raising her finger.

She turned to Sheloran as she picked up one of the orange cylinders with the red balls attached.

"THIS," she said, "might be your fault."

She pointed to the rest of them.

"THOSE," she said as she glared at the chief, "are yours, and you fucking know it. Blaming a private for your lack of attention?" she asked, "Not a good look… Chief." she hissed and then turned to the rest of the bay, "Show's over. Get back to work!"

"I think I will go check my supplies," Eno growled.

"You do that, big guy." Sheila smiled. "Sheloran, why don't you help him?"

"I just wanted to help," Sheloran peeped miserably as she was gently led out of the cargo bay by Eno.

The temperature of the bay seemed to drop a few degrees as everyone glared at the chief.

"Dick," Lorna said as she resumed work on a spare rail gun.

Muttering obscenities, The Chief rushed out of the space to retrieve the green detonators.

***

Sheloran's lip quivered as she sat on a cloth-covered chest in the corner of the Med Bay.

"That asshole," Eno rumbled, "he had no right to talk to you like that."

Sheloran looked down.

"I was just trying to help," Sheloran said as she absently picked up a medical scanner, looking at it sadly.

"Well, you can help out in here with me," Eno smiled.

"It's ok," she said as she fiddled with the scanner, "you don't have to tend my egg. I'll just sit here."

"I'm not here to 'tend your egg'," Eno laughed, "I'm here so I don't pull his eye-stalks out through his asshole. It wasn't right how he-"

He rushed over to Sheloran.

"I kind of need that," he said gently as he reached towards Sheloran's hands.

"What?… Oh!" she squeaked as she handed the partially disassembled scanner back. "Oh Creators!" she squeaked, "I am so pooping sorry!"

"No harm done," Eno smiled as he snapped the scanner back together, and it came online. "See, good as new… literally..." he added, slightly confused.

"Oh, good!" Sheloran exclaimed as she smiled.

Eno smiled back.

Sheloran's foot bumped the end of the shrouded case, which emitted a series of beeps, and lights started glowing from underneath the covering.

Yelping with alarm, Sheloran jumped up and backed away.

Eno chuckled as he walked up and pulled aside the shroud, revealing a med pod containing a rather sleazy-looking man, his face contorted with horror.

"Oh yeah," Eno laughed. "I completely forgot about him."

He pulled out his communicator.

"Hey, Sheila," he said.

"Fuck," Sheila grumbled, "What now."

"What are we going to do about that guy we have on ice back here?"

"Who?" Sheila asked and then laughed. "Oh yeah, that guy! Bunny!"

"Yeah, boss?" Bunny replied.

"Do we still need that asshole we got on ice?"

"Nah, I got everything I needed out of his phone when we handed that mess over to The Survivors," Bunny replied, "They never asked for more info. Let me check with… oooh… Yeah, they handled it… Yikes!"

"Who is that guy?" Sheloran asked, looking at her "friends" in alarm.

"Well, what do you want me to do with him?" Eno asked.

"Fuck, I don't know," Sheila replied. "keep him around in case Gloria gets bored or something."

"Seriously, who is he?" Sheloran asked.

"Wait!" Jessie piped up, "I know a guy! What's his tissue type? We could-"

"We don't have time for this," Sheila said, cutting her off, "Gloria's going to be here in thirty minutes, and we are missing our Hulk! Thanks, Chief."

"Yeah, thanks Chief," several other voices chimed in as the communication ended.

Eno walked up behind Sheloran and gently put his hand on her shoulder as they looked into the med-pod.

"Don't worry," he said, "he's a 'bully', a bad one."

"Oh," Sheloran said, beaming up at him, "that's ok, then."

***

"My… computer?" Karashel asked, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

"Yes," the Foreign Minister replied. "The ambassador uploaded the drives. Drugs? Subversive literature? A manifesto? Creators, Karashel, you really are sixteen!"

"It's just research," Karashel scoffed as her stomach turned to lead, "it's human, you know, know your enemy and all that."

"And your drug-fueled queries... through a Balean military AI… that you used to hack the Xx embassy?"

"Research?" Karashel winced. Yeah, that one kinda looked bad.

"Oh, I don't doubt it's research," the Foreign Minister replied, "What the fuck are you involved in?"

"Seriously!" Karashel exclaimed, trying not to slime or throw up, "It's just some academic-"

"You have exactly ten seconds to level with me before I have you shoved in a box and fucking mailed back here." the Foreign Minister said in a dangerously pleasant tone of voice.

***

Karashel just stood there shaking.

The Foreign Minister sighed.

"Void touched fucking sticky shits, Karashel," she said, "Drugs I can overlook. Running naked through the woods? No big deal. Rolling around in a sticky mess with the Xx councilor right before you try to rip out his throat? A little freaky, but you do you, girl. Sedition, treason, and crimes against the Federation? Councilors do worse on a daily basis..."

She leaned towards the camera.

"But naivety? Seriously?" The Foreign Minister sneered. "You are just now realizing this? Did you… Did you actually think the Federation was our friend? Of course it's bullshit! Of course it's this, what did you call it, imperial colonialism! Creatorslime, Karashel! I thought you had a good brain in your snot! Do you think any of this is news to me, to any of us? We were fucked from the start, we are fucked now, and we will be fucked tomorrow!"

"But it isn't right!"

"It isn't?" the Foreign Minister asked scornfully. "Wow! I had absolutely no fucking idea! And here I was just this morning telling the Prime Minister how wonderful it was that we got shafted last week in that crekernel export agreement! Boy! Do I ever feel silly now!… OF COURSE IT ISN'T RIGHT!!!" the Foreign Minister shouted, mucus flying out of her breathing tube. "And as far as 'how we treat our people'?" she asked angrily. "Here!" she shouted as she slammed a tendril on a keypad. "Here's our budget. Here's our production. Here's our assets, such as they are. If you're so fucking smart, You figure it out!"

Karashel's communicator pinged, informing her of a new email.

"We were hanging by a thread BEFORE the fucking Terran War. Now, thanks to the increased mandatory defense contributions, that thread is even THINNER."

The Foreign Minister flicked her eyestalks angrily, throwing ribbons of slime.

Was she sliming?

"And now we have the fucking HUMANS going crazier than you went last night! The Federation too! We almost had a fucking riot last week over the Porkietown massacre! Baleel in the void-touched streets!… Voters and businesses demanding a bigger SDF, which we can NOT afford… I had one ray of sunshine… ONE!... I heard that you were getting in good with the Xx and the Kalent. MAYBE something good could come of that but NO! You are just a fucking drug-crazed idiot with the wisdom and writing skills of my teenage daughter, and the Xx and Kalent don't offer tech or a trade deal but a shining opportunity for us to clearly and without a doubt demonstrate how wonderfully mediocre we are!… FUCK ME IN THE AIR-HOLE!!!"

The Foreign Minister just stood there, sliming, as Karashel was frozen in shock.

"Sorry… that wasn't fair," the Foreign Minister said, taking a deep breath, "My daughter is much more mature than you are… ok… ok…."

The Foreign Minister took a moment to compose herself.

"Here's what we are going to do," she said after a moment. "You will stay up there and be a good little girl and keep doing what you are doing to keep the Xx and the Kalent… wait..."

The Foreign Minister took a deep, slimy breath.

"What exactly did you do to make the Kalent so happy?"

"Well..." Karashel said hesitantly.

A few moments later, the Baleel marine standing guard outside of the secure communications center in the Balean capital jerked as he heard a scream coming from inside the room.

Wonder what that's all about, he thought to himself.

***

Gloria exited her Reaper to the applause of the entire crew. (except for T'sunk'al, who was manning the helm and Sheloran who was still hiding in the Med Bay)

"Alright, everyone!" The Chief shouted, "Let's get this warbird loaded!"

Everyone, even Eno, rushed to grab carts of munitions.

"Not bad, Revenant," Sheila said with a smile as she handed Gloria a cup of coffee.

"Thanks," Gloria said with an actual smile as she took a sip. "Hang on," she said as she picked up a tablet and walked along the missiles.

"Hey, Chief," she said.

"Yes, Revenant?" he asked with a smile.

"I need you to change the det-pacs in these '30s for me," Gloria said as she looked at the tablet. "You got the standard pacs in them. Those won't work. Those are for much longer ranges and won't even arm in time. I will be coming in hot and firing point-blank, so I need the fast-blow enhanced AI packages..."

The chief just closed his eyes.

He knew what was coming.

"They are orange with a red stripe down the side," Gloria said pleasantly. "and hook them up with the mass proximity sensor heads, you know, the red ones."

Gloria looked up in confusion as the entire bay burst into delighted laughter.

"What?" she asked.