Tales From the Terran Republic

“Void turds!...” Vendel gasped, leaning against the wall. “You guys ok?”

“Utilize your senses,” GhTuk rasped, “What do they reveal?” he grumbled as he held half of his mandibular plates in his pedipalps.

“Thank…” Ytunn moaned as he leaned on a stun rifle for support, “Thank the creators it is a juvenile.”

“That’s a juvenile?!?” GhTuk clicked in shock as he looked at the prone figure in the corridor. “If that’s a juvenile, what is an adult like?”

“It… Oh, Creators,” Ytunn moaned as he dropped his abdomen to the deck, “It wouldn’t have just been your teeth… I think it broke something...”

“We need a medic to level fifteen, sub-section five, doorway 12J,” Vendel called out, holding a black plastic box. “We have one crewman unconscious and multiple injuries.”

“But did you subdue it?” a crackly, static-filled voice responded.

“Yeah, we got it,” Vendel replied, wiping at a neon-green fluid that was leaking from his “nose”. “Took two hits, but the ancestor-defiling fornicator is subdued… Oh great, my teeth are loose.”

“Somebody grab that spiral-threaded panel fastener before it awakens,” GhTuk rasped as it indicated a large, heavy bolt laying next to five outstretched fingers.

“Why don’t you do it?” Ytunn grumbled as he laid down on the deck.

“Because I am occupied with the endeavor of holding my fornicating face on,” GhTuk buzz growled.

“It’s not waking up anytime soon,” Vendel, the least damaged of them, said as he leaned against the wall, gasping for breath.

The human teen groaned softly, causing Vendel to lurch forward and kick the bolt away, sending it singing down the corridor.

Zap

“You didn’t have to do that, Ytunn!” Vendel shouted.

“You want to court that beauty again?” Ytunn replied as he let the stunner droop, “I shall not challenge you. You can have it all to yourself.”

“Shoot it again,” GhTuk buzzed, “Just to be safe.”

Zap

“Seriously, guys,” Vendel shouted as he grabbed the stunner. “Stop it!… Ow...” he said, clutching at his side as he snatched it.

***

“So how are the brave warriors,” a large portly looking “mole rat” wearing a captain’s uniform asked another of his kind.

“Fractures, soft-tissue injuries, GhTuk lost a mandibular plate… Uvyon has a rather nasty blow to his primary cognitive nexus. If he was one of us, I would call it a concussion.”

“A concussion?” the captain asked in alarm.

“Uvyon’s simple neurology has its benefits,” the doctor replied. “It’s far less of a concern for their kind. I consulted with Starshield, and it seems that it should resolve with little issue, though he will be away from his duties for at least a week, possibly longer. However, if we don’t push him or, more importantly, don’t allow him to push himself, he will likely be fine. I have the first few escalation steps downloaded should more be required.”

“Thank the creators you were able to get through,” the captain replied, “Dare I ask how?”

“Pirate relay,” the doctor shrugged, “The Pirates of Lore have a direct link to Starshield now.”

“Strange days,” the captain chuckled. “Did you grab anything of interest while you were there?”

“As a matter of fact, I did,” the doctor replied, pulling a crystal from his pocket. “Actual uncensored news from independent space as well as the Republic and Empire and a few entertainment folders that I thought sounded interesting. There is some human animated programming that looks intriguing. I liked the colors.”

“Thanks, I’ve heard about their animation,” the captain replied, “What of our new ‘guest’?”

“A few scrapes and bruises, the worst of which was when his facial region impacted the deck plates,” the doctor replied. “I had heard about the damage resistance and bludgeoning ability of a human’s hands, but to be able to reinforce and add weight to one’s fist by grasping a metal bolt without breaking the, for lack of a better word, ‘fingers’ on the end of those… ‘wrists?’… Remarkable indeed.”

“I heard the crew got overly enthusiastic with the stunners,” the captain asked. “Any concerns?”

“Once again, simplicity seems to be the better design,” the doctor replied. “I was able to contact an actual human physician who reviewed the charts and said that there were no concerns.”

The doctor chuckled.

“In fact, the physician was far more concerned with how the youth represented his species than anything he saw on the charts. He said to let him ‘sleep it off’ and recommended certain compounds easily synthesized from the precursors we have on hand should sedation be required.”

“What sort of physician did you consult?” The captain laughed… then stopped laughing. “Doctor, please tell me you didn’t.”

“What else was I supposed to do?” the ship’s doctor demanded. “Because of the multiple shots from the stunners, I had very real concerns, and I needed to consult with an expert on human biology as soon as possible. What better expert than an actual human physician? They were the first ones to respond.”

The captain groan-whistled, causing the fringes around his mouth-nose to flutter as he pinched the soft tissue above the end of his elongated snout.

“Doctor,” he said as he squinted his eyes shut. “during your well-intentioned felony, did it ever occur to you that you have just informed the masturbating Forsaken that we have a captured human child on our ship?… Do you see the issue here?”

“Oh, it isn’t what we would call a ‘child’,” the doctor replied, “They said that it was in a transitory period between childhood and adulthood. Apparently, they have to do that conscious, the poor bastards.”

“Ok, then you told them that we have captured one of those,” the captain said as if he was explaining how to cleanse one’s anus.

“But we haven’t ‘captured’ it,” the doctor said. “We simply confronted it and requested that it accompany our crewmen to an appropriate holding area for its safety and ours.”

“Doctor,” the captain said, his fringes billowing, “while I understand the fine distinction between ‘capturing a prisoner’ and what you described, I seriously doubt a human would under the best of circumstances.”

“Oh dear,” the doctor said, his eyes widening, “You don’t think the humans think we are holding this member of their species against his will?”

“Let’s review the situation, shall we?” the captain said, looking downward in an appeal to the kind undergods, “We detected the stowaway and sent a few crewmen, armed with stunners for their protection, to contact our unexpected passenger and ask that they accompany them, correct?”

“Right!” the doctor replied, “I mean, we’ve been underway for quite some time. I don’t know what a human’s metabolism is like (Drat! I really should have asked.), but I can only imagine that it’s hungry. Oh, great worm! I forgot to ask what they eat! What if we don’t have something suitable?”

“Doctor, focus,” the captain said sternly. “And then what happened?”

“It just attacked our men!” the doctor exclaimed, “Completely unprovoked!… Do you think this is a result of this ‘adolescence’ that the human physician spoke of?”

“You are incorrect,” the captain replied. “It initially tried to run, but I commanded the hatches towards the machinery and cargo spaces sealed, which seemed to be its destination. Once it realized that it couldn’t flee, it attacked, throwing itself upon our crew with the intent to cause real injury… and did a pretty good job of it.”

“Bah! That makes no sense at all,” the doctor huffed. “Do you think it is mentally ill? Perhaps psychosis brought on by hunger… or this adolescence? That can’t be pleasant.”

The captain pinched the soft spot behind his snout again as he resisted the desire to lay his “digging hands” on the doctor.

“Violence,” the captain said in a strained voice as his blade foot slowly ground against the deck plates, “can be inspired by the oddest things, doctor… How long have you been a spacer, doctor?”

“This is my first trip!” the doctor snooted, his fringes fluttering excitedly, “I guess it’s that senescence madness you hear of! I got tired of my comfortable, boring practice and my comfortable, boring life and… erm… my comfortable, boring spouse… and...”

The captain clenched his tooth as the doctor prattled on. It was the height of discourtesy to interrupt someone, especially when they were answering a question. Since the humans who were definitely on the way weren’t here yet, the ship wasn’t on fire, or there wasn’t another human prowling his ship, he had little choice but to listen to this mud scratcher tell him his masturbating life story.

“… and I must say!” the doctor exclaimed, “It has been quite the adventure thus far!”

“Thanks to you, doctor,” the captain smiled through clenched tooth, “the adventure is just starting. When you get a moment, do yourself a favor. While we don’t have network access, we do have a small archive of information relevant to day-to-day operations. That includes hazards. Go to the archive and look up ‘The Confederacy of Sol’. In particular, I would like for you to run a query on ‘The Black Angels’, ‘The Dragons’, ‘The Long Shanks’, and ‘Knife Children’. Those are some of the groups that make up this confederacy, and this confederacy is what forms the backbone of this new ‘Forsaken’ movement. It’s led by a human named ‘Jessica Morgan’. You know what, doctor, do some reading on her too. Those are the nice people that you have invited to our ship. They have the most interesting customs. You should brush up on them as well so you can make a nice impression when they board.”

“Oh, how exciting!” the doctor enthused, “I shall do so once I attend to my patients.”

“You do that,” the captain clenched, “And I shall go and prepare our ship to greet these delightful people.”

“Grr-hu-hu-hu,” GhTuk snickered darkly as the captain walked past.

“How bad is it, Gh?” the captain asked.

“I can walk and hold a blaster,” GhTuk replied quietly as the doctor fussed over the human. “You think they are comin’?”

“You know what they say, Gh,” the captain snorted, “the void hungers. Just rest for now. Who knows, maybe we’ll be lucky, and it will be the Wraiths or the Beltkin.”

“Or maybe nobody at all?” GhTuk rasped.

“You spank!” the captain snorttooted, “Now you’ve gone and jinxed us.”

***

“Thank you for reaching out to us, Captain...” a smartly dressed man said as he concentrated and took a deep breath.

“My Federation name is ‘Plok’,” the captain said helpfully.

“Captain Plok,” the man smiled. “That certainly makes things easier.”

“And the most common mispronunciation of my name causes great amusement among my crew,” the captain said, hoping to keep things light.

“I know your pain,” the man smiled, “My surname is Butz. In our language, it sounds much like the common name for our posteriors.”

“If only I was so fortunate,” the captain said, trying (and failing) to mimic a human smile.

It looked like an aggressive fleshlight.

The human snorted faintly.

That was encouraging! The captain tried to widen his smile.

The human coughed and blinked.

“Firstly,” the captain said emphatically, “I want to stress that we have absolutely no intention of handing the human over to the Federation! On the contrary, we want to return it to its own kind as soon as possible, preferably to an area free of contagion. I understand you have ‘clean’ ships?”

“We do,” the human replied.

“And I would also like to state that we did not intend to engage the human… ad-low-ess-cent… in combat. I just could not allow it to enter our vital machinery spaces or the cargo hold, for its own safety… especially the cargo hold.”

“What are you transporting, Captain?”

“We are just a bulk freighter,” the captain replied as casually as he could manage. “We haul various ‘food safe’ cargoes such as grains, processed food precursors, algae and raw seaweeds, dare to dream produce every now and then, we also have refrigeration capacity that allows transporting of perishable goods. We will take just about anything that won’t contaminate us, though. Right now, we have a mixed food-grade byproduct load that we are transporting to Halbe for delivery.”

“Ah,” the human smiled, “Lips and assholes.”

“Pardon?” the captain replied, thoroughly confused.

“Halbe does a lot of meat processing. I assume it’s scraps, parts of livestock not otherwise utilized, and the like.”

“Their customers should be so fortunate,” the captain laughed. The human joined him for a bit.

This was going well! The captain “smiled” again, triggering a cough from the human. Their cargo was utterly worthless. There was no way these (let’s be honest here) pirates would be interested in a freighter full of marginally edible “food”.

“And you didn’t want the human contaminating it?” the man on the screen said, “understandable.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about that,” the captain replied, “This is stuff that we would use for compost. It’s for the human’s safety!”

“I don’t follow.”

“We have murder-borers down there!” the captain exclaimed. “Those things are dangerous!”

“...Why?”

“We haul a lot of bulk crap, open crates of unprocessed, half spoiled produce, and you don’t even want to know what else. No matter how hard we try, vermin always gets in, and it doesn’t take long for a ship to fill up with gynt, hyper-roaches, yul;ktan, or any of literally hundreds of vermin species that plague the Federation. The borers can dig through the bulk and will well… murder… anything they can find. They will eat damn near anything but prefer ‘flesh’. We’ve kept them since ancient times in our warrens both for hunting and to do exactly what we are using them for today. If you don’t know how to handle them, they will kill you.”

“We had species or two like that ourselves,” the human smiled. “Unfortunately, they were… edible...”

“oh...”

“Some survived, and others have been ‘resurrected’...”

Resurrected? the captain thought to himself. He decided not to ask.

“Their numbers have blossomed in the Republic, but they are still expensive rarities among our people… And once again, a luxury we likely will not be able to afford.”

“I’m sorry,” the captain honestly said. What the humans have faced…

“Eh, I prefer my glass crab, anyhow. Barely eats and is a friendly enough little guy. They are native to Raylesh. See?”

An image of a surprisingly large crab with bright iridescent multicolored shell segments appeared on the screen.

It never failed to amaze the captain when he saw a crab. Why that particular type of creature was so common was beyond him. Those things were everywhere, not the same species, of course. They were always different genetically, but when you looked at them, yep. It’s a crab.

“That’s natural?” the captain asked incredulously.

“Yep. Nobody’s sure why.”

“Amazing.”

“So back to business,” the human said as the crab disappeared. “You have a human. We want said human. Send me your route, and you will be contacted by a ship somewhere along it where we will offload the stowaway if we can. If I could impose,” the human said, “would you consider harboring him if needed? We would love to individually rescue each and every human, but that might not be possible. Needless to say, your assistance in this matter would be deeply appreciated… and would reflect well both on your ship and on your people.”

“We would be delighted,” the captain replied, knowing exactly what that meant (and was very delighted indeed), “and this is a very big ship with lots of hiding places. We can keep him out of the way for a bit.”

“Wonderful,” the guy replied. “We will see if your path intersects a ship or if one of your destinations is ‘friendly.’ As our way of saying thanks, if you would provide your transponder data and update us on your movements, we can ensure that you don’t… run into any difficulties in the future.”

“We will!” the captain snootled and gave the human a great big “smile”.

“Snerk! We have received your information, and you will be hailed, or a message will be sent through the shadownet. Are you familiar with how to set that up?”

“I will be!” the captain “grinned”.

“Oh dear God,” the man coughed. “Farewell.”

“And the Gods be with you too!” the captain snooted.

Sometimes things do work out, after all!

***

And things continued to work out for the captain as well!

The first “nice” thing to happen was the notification that the doctor had locked himself in the archives and refused to come out.

Good, the captain thought, his fringe flaring out in a sneer. “Welcome to the galaxy, sperm-waster,” he chuckled to himself.

He decided he would let him try to burrow through titanium for a little while longer yet.

Then, things got even better!

No sooner than he informed his very relieved crew that they weren’t going to be the guests of honor at a ‘barbecue’ was he called to the bridge.

He was being hailed… by an unidentified ship!

The kind undergods must have heard his plea! He’d be rid of that human (and reaping the benefits of cooperation) before the insane half-adult awoke!

He rushed to his quarters, strapped on his ceremonial tunnel sword, not worn since his discharge from the SDF entirely too long ago. Fortunately, the belt had just enough length to handle his… enhanced figure. (Had he ever been that trim?)

The humans respected such things, right?

Then, sword flapping all over the place, he rushed to the bridge…

Something was wrong.

Everyone was utterly silent… stiff…

Terrified

He looked at the screen, and his blood froze.

Sitting there, sprawled lazily in the captain’s chair, was a young(?) human with long silky yellow-gold strands streaming down from the top of her head.

The “hair” (well, that’s what he called his) was quite pretty, but that’s not what grabbed his attention.

The human’s jacket was open.

Underneath was only a “harness” of cloth covering the upper third of her torso and the two lumps that identified it as female.

On her exposed lower abdomen was the one thing that no spacer ever wanted to see...

The mark of The Black Angels.

Oh… no... The captain could hear the void laughing at him.

“Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!” the human howled its fearsome battle cry.

The captain raised to his full height (about 4/5 average human) and drew his blade, raising it outward in an invitation.

Every spacer knows that the void always wins in the end.

Every captain knows that any day could be his crew’s last.

Today was that day.

Trying to keep his snout firm, he then raised his blade in front of himself.

“You may win, harbinger of death,” the captain said firmly, “But by the hunger of the void, you will know that we were here!”

The captain then gave that Black Angel the biggest “smile” he could muster.

The Black Angel looked stunned, perhaps taken aback by his display of bravery.

It then started howling like the animal it was.

“Hooowlleyshiiiit!” It bayed, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OhgodImgonnapeeeeeee!” it howled, invoking the demons of the void itself.

“Wha?” it growled, looking at someone off-screen. “Oh… Shit… Sorry dude...” the devourer of flesh said in a surprisingly friendly tone.

“Relax, captain,” the monster said, “Yeah, I’m an Angel, but I’m flying under Morgan’s banner at the moment. I’m not here looking for trouble. We’re just interested in the human. Swear upon the honor of Jessica Morgan, the Angels, and upon the Shay name. You play nice, we play nice. You might not trust the angels, but you can trust Jessica Morgan and the Forsaken.”

The captain sheathed his blade and drew back his blade foot as he bowed, keeping his snout pointed at the screen.

The Black Angel rose, drew her combat knife, raised it to her forehead, and sheathed it, snapping the catch closed.

“And bonus points for steel, captain,” the horror smiled. “Too bad we aren’t playing today. I bet you guys would have been fun.”

“I lack your blood thirst,” the captain replied, “or bravado as the case may be.”

The Black Angel snorted a surprisingly nice snort. “I like you. I hope you don’t turn out to be a dick.”

The screen went black.

The captain slumped against a console, steadying himself, and then staggered off of the bridge a fucking legend!

***

The captain tried to keep his head up and his shuffle confident as he made his way through the corridors to the cheers of his crew.

He nodded, rippled his fringe, and even drew his sword in salute a few times to the general delight of everyone.

When he finally made it to his quarters, he locked the door, threw off the sword, and crawled under his bed, pulling the blanket along with him and wrapping it around his head.

Did he actually do what he thought he did?

Was he crazy? That monster would have literally eaten him!

He snootled to himself in the comforting close darkness of his blanket burrow.

And the void is denied one more day... the thought in amusement.

“Captain...” GhTuk’s voice called through the static of their crappy comms. “You need to get down here to the med bay right now.”

It didn’t sound good.

His nose reluctantly poked out from underneath the blanket.

“What’s going on.”

“The human is awake.”

“Is he combatative?”

“Not anymore,” GhTuk replied, “We got him calmed down before it got ugly. That’s not the problem.”

“Then what is?”

“He isn’t alone. He has a kid sister.”

“Oh, wring my sack...”

“Care to guess where she is… right now…” GhTuk buzzed grimly, “Go ahead, Cap. Guess.”

With that Black Angel on the way...

The captain burst out from underneath his bed, threw open a panel, and grabbed a heavy blaster rifle.

He was sprinting out of the door moments later.

“What’s wrong?” the human (his name was Marv) asked in alarm as he was rushed through the corridors, along with the captain and a dozen crewmen, all armed with either stunners or actual blasters. The murder-borers recognized the stunners. Their appearance was usually enough.

“Oh, nothing,” the captain lied, flashing Marv a reassuring “smile” (he was getting good at those).

Marv winced, squinting his eyes pleasantly, indicating a relaxed, trusting state.

“We just want to get your sister out of that nasty hold and both of you some food and water, that’s all,” the captain continued.

“Bullshit,” Marv replied, coming to a stop.

“I know not this word,” the captain said, smiling again.

“Jesus, dude,” Marv winced. “Now tell me exactly what the fuck is going on and why you are packing actual heat.”

“Heat?”

“He means the blasters,” GhTuk buzzed, his mandibular plate hastily glued on. (not his first rodeo… or fight for that matter)

“Marv,” the captain said firmly, “I need you to keep calm and not be violent. Can you do that for me?”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?” Marv shouted as he grabbed the captain, clearly demonstrating that he was not likely to remain calm nor likely to refrain from violence.

“Lower your weapons!” the captain shouted at his alarmed crewmen.

Surprisingly, Marv calmed down rather quickly and released the captain.

“Marv,” the captain said, “We are going into the cargo hold to get your sister. We are bringing these weapons because the cargo hold is not safe. Nobody is supposed to go in there except for the bots. There are very dangerous creatures prowling in that area, and you must remain calm and take us to your sister immediately. Her safety depends on it.”

And ours, the captain thought.” Here, murder lady, we have one of them but let our pets eat the little one, my apologies...

“You mean the rat-dogs?”

“Ratt… dogues?”

“About ‘this’ big?” Marv asked, holding his hand roughly waist high, “long tails, little poofy noses?”

“You’ve encountered them?!?” the captain said, looking at the human not-adult. He didn’t seem injured. Then again, humans did have a fearsome reputation…

“Yeah, they’re great!” Marv replied. “Just like the dogs in the holo. My sis is crazy about them. She always wanted a dog. Can we have one?”

“Your… sister?” the captain stammered.

“She’s probably with them right now,” Marv said cheerfully. They won’t let her out of their sight.

“YOU LEFT HER WITH THEM?!?” the captain shouted, grabbing Marv and slamming him against the wall. He knew exactly why they paying his small tender sister so much attention…

“Men, with me!” the captain said as he shoved Marv. “You! Take us to her NOW!”

***

The captain charged through the rather filthy cavernous hold like his life and the life of his crew depended on it…

Because it did.

Marv, now quite alarmed, wasted no time leading the captain and his team into a dark corner where a titanium panel had a hole torn in it.

“Vee?” Marv shouted.

“What?...” a distant but somewhat annoyed voice replied. “You woke up, Binky.” the voice accused.

“See?” Marv said, looking at the captain like he was an idiot. “I can’t believe I let you assholes get me all worked up… and touch me again, motherfucker...”

“Vee?” Marv called, “C’mon out. Everything’s cool.”

“Coming!”

A few moments later, the scrabbling of many claws and a chorus of malicious-sounding hisses could be heard.

The captain and his men backed away, leveling their weapons at the hole.

“That’s my sister!” Marv yelled, stepping between the crew and the opening.

“...sorry...” the captain said as they held their weapons at the ready.

Soon dozens of what appeared to be a combination of dog, possum, and mole poured out of the opening, confronting the crew, hissing menacingly.

Following them was a rather grubby child, clutching one of their young, its tail wrapped around her arm.

“Can I keep it?” the girl asked, “Pleeeeeese?”

***

The girl absolutely refused to leave her “puppies,”… so the captain just hung around, stunner at the ready.

He couldn’t have forced the child anyway. She had a pack of those little killers in a perimeter around her, letting nobody but Marv pass.

Besides, it was the “voidiest” thing he’d ever seen… He made a point of filming it because nobody would ever believe what was happening.

The captain watched in disbelief, shaking his head as these feral monsters nuzzled and groomed the human child, letting her paw them, even rolling over on their backs and letting her give them “blubbies,” which had the child bury her face into the oily matted fur of the monsters and blowing making well… “blubby” noises.

The beasts liked Marv as well…

but they loved that human child.

“Perhaps they recognize their own?” GhTuk rasped.

“BeHave!” the girl said firmly as she held a large basket of food. “You have to wait your turn!”

The creatures obeyed, and each took a treat from her in turn.

“Unprecedented...” the captain muttered. He had watched those things rip each other’s throats out for half as much as that girl was holding in her unprotected hand.

If they had to feed those things, which was rare, they would just sling in the food and run.

“Now, I’ve seen everything...” the captain muttered.

“You spank,” GhTuk rasped, “Now you’ve jinxed us!”

***

“So, how much for the lot?” The Black Angel asked after she arrived, with a relieving lack of murder.

“The humans are yours,” the captain, sword back on (like he could actually do anything with it).

“Not the humans, the puppies!”

“The… murder-borers?”

“Yeah!” The Black Angel said as she fed one of them a strip of raw meat. They loved that (and the person doling it out)

The captain noticed that they were exceptionally generous with the meat… a very high dollar luxury…

The conclusion he came to was not a pleasant one.

“You can have them as well!” the captain exclaimed as another ragged lump of flesh was tossed to one of the “ratdogs” in the back.

“You sure?” the golden-haired demon asked. “I’m actually not being a pirate this time… and I have a LOT of cash from the times that I was.”

“Yes… (ahem)… I’m sure...” the captain said nervously. “They are common enough on my homeworld.”

“Really?” the fiend asked happily, her eyes shining happily (oh void... he looked at her eyes!… again… shudder)

“Yes… really!” the captain snootsqueaked.

“Well, captain,” the monster bearing the mark of the devil said happily, “we might be in touch concerning a little purchase then!”

“Looking!” the captain squeaked… “(ahem), I look forward to your custom.”

“Ok, you two,” the golden-haired raider with naked singularities for eyes said cheerfully. “Grab your pups, and let’s bounce!”

“Ok!” The girl said as she grabbed a small backpack (and Binky) and hopped up.

Marv also gathered his things but looked at the human captain warily, avoiding her gaze.

The captain wondered if he was actually doing these two young humans a favor… not that he had a choice.

“So, Marv,” the golden-haired Angel asked as she wrapped her arm around him.

Marv froze.

“Tell me, Marv,” the fiend grinned, “how do you feel about… brooms?”

“I… I love them?”

“Right answer!” the fiend laughed. “Woooooooooooo! Brooooooooms!”

All of the murder borers raised their snouts, letting out a hissing wail.

“I fucking LOVE these things!” the terrifying human cheered.

“Wooooooooooooooo!”

“Hiisiiisiisisooososissiiscsisiissssaaaarrraarrrrrsss!”