The Law of Averages

"Good news. You do not have super-cancer." Doctor Mercury told Dan.

Dan fidgeted awkwardly in his chair, covered in bandages from head to toe. He had been insistent on a full battery of tests after learning about what Mercury had called 'a minor side effect'. The doctor had not been gentle in taking samples.

Doctor Mercury continued blandly, "Nor do you have any other kind of cancer that I can see. Congratulations, you're about as healthy as you should be, given your age and circumstances."

Dan slumped in relief, glad that he could check at least one thing off his mental to-do list. Mercury bustled past him, shoving a microscope away in a nearby cabinet. The pair were inside the space station's medical facility, an overly fancy description of what was essentially a small bedroom filled with needles and stethoscopes. The room stank of disinfectant, dust, and old person. Despite being a doctor, Mercury did not seem all that interested in the helpful side of medicine.

"I can also confirm that the radiation did its job. You've got superpowers. Bully for you." Mercury flashed unenthusiastic jazz hands in Dan's general direction.

And then there was that. Dan really didn't know how to feel about it. He knew how he wanted to feel: thrilled, excited, ecstatic, superpowers fuck yeah! Unfortunately, that would require him acknowledging the rather grim process of how he'd obtained said powers, and he just wasn't ready to deal with that quite yet. That being said, Dan was perfectly capable of engaging with this situation as if it was entirely hypothetical. This was just a fun little thought experiment, that's all. Nothing horrifying to see here.

So, he shoved away his unwanted thoughts with familiar ease and asked the really important question. "What kind of powers?"

Mercury shrugged. "Who knows? Could be anything. Spackle doesn't follow any sort of conventional upgrade process like we do back on Earth."

Dan stiffened, partly out of shock, partly out of hope. "There are people with superpowers back on Earth?"

"Of course," Mercury replied, gracing Dan with a look of absolute bewilderment. "How did you think I knew how to test for them?"

"I just assumed that— Look, you're the one with the, the kidnapping space ship thing. How am I supposed to know this stuff!?" Dan demanded incredulously.

"By using your brain," the doctor replied with a huff. "Now I see that you are every bit as inexperienced at such a thing as the average human. I don't know why I keep raising my expectations. You'd think I'd know better, at my age."

Dan once again found himself wanting to throttle the old man. With great restraint, he asked, "Is there a way to find out what I can do?"

"Trial and error," Mercury told him with a shrug. "I could toss you out the airlock if you'd like. Powers usually manifest themselves during high-stress situations."

Dan stared. Licking his lips he said, "Doctor, back on my Earth, we used to have fictional stories about people with superpowers. Heroes and... other people, and their adventures."

Mercury nodded, a tiny hint of a smile appearing on his face. "Yes, we had them as well. Those kinds of stories fell out of popularity a bit, though, as time passed."

"Right, I guess with real superpowered people running around, they wouldn't seem as interesting," Dan admitted.

Mercury shrugged, making a get-on-with-it motion with his hand.

Dan swallowed, his throat oddly dry. "Right, well the reason I mention this is— and please don't take this the wrong way but, Doctor Mercury are you a supervillain?"

The doctor raised a single bushy eyebrow.

"I-it's just, you're living on a space station orbiting Neptune, you've got some sort of artificially intelligent space ship that kidnaps people from alternate universes, and you still haven't explained why there was blood in the holding cell. Or even why you have a holding cell," Dan stammered.

Doctor Mercury barked out a laugh, and Dan's entire body flinched.

"Supervillain, he says! What are you, an infant? Call it what it is! A criminal!" The old man jabbed a bony finger into Dan's chest. "You callin' me a criminal, boy?! Without the slightest bit of evidence? Back in my day, them were fightin' words!"

"Woah!" Dan realized that he may have erred in bringing this up, so engaged in his default response of DENY DENY DENY. He threw up his arms innocently. "No accusations here, no sir! I just had to ask, you know? I've got no idea what it is you actually do, but I wouldn't know the difference between mad science and, well, science. I mean, and I'm sorry to tell you this, but you just have a sort of villainy aura around you. Between the giant empty space station, the general disdain for other people, and the malevolent sideshipkick, sidekick, I think it's understandable for me to assume—"

"I have a grant, I'll have you know!" Doctor Mercury roared. "And excuse me if I dislike the company of idiots! Maybe if you could hear yourself babble you'd understand the appeal of solitude."

"I'm sorry! Really! I talk a lot when I'm nervous, I didn't mean to upset you," Dan offered timidly, feeling oddly defensive despite his position as, presumably, the victim in this situation.

"And another thing," the old man ranted, "I have neither the ability nor the desire to police Spackle's actions! Do not blame me for the insanity she gets up to!" His finger pressed harder into Dan's sternum. "In fact, why am I even bothering to explain myself to you? I should just toss you out the airlock and be done with it!"

"Oh fuck," Dan exclaimed, leaping out of his seat as the spindly old man fumbled for a nearby tray of scalpels. "Hold up Doc, we can talk about this!"

"No more talking! Your voice is grating. Now, hold still and this won't hurt a bit." Mercury advanced as menacingly as a knife-wielding geriatric was able to.

Unfortunately, the angry doctor was positioned between Dan and the door. Dan felt a bit cornered, being neither armed nor armored, and not particularly willing to test his half remembered middle school Jiu-Jitsu skills. He awkwardly attempted to juke past the old man, only to find a scalpel buried point first in the wooden cabinet in front of him. He leapt backwards with a yelp, too startled to consider grabbing the damn thing.

"No escape!" Mercury sneered. "You wanted a criminal? I'll show you a criminal!" Wrinkled bony hands scooped up another piece of pointy metal.

Dan considered his other avenues of escape. The walls were smooth and the ceiling was low, so he couldn't monkey his way out of the situation. Closing the gap between him and Mercury would violate the prime rule of knife-fighting, i.e. don't. If he tried to wrestle away the blade, he would get stabbed, probably somewhere unpleasant. He didn't seem to have many viable options. At least, none that would end without him bleeding out.

Dan felt more resignation than panic. What an idiotic way to die. Considering everything else that had happened, this was not the way he'd thought he would go. Why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut? Just nodded and smiled like he'd done for his entire adult life.

This is what I get for trying new things, Dan thought miserably. If only he'd been sitting somewhere else. If only he'd been closer to the door. If only he was on the other side of the Doctor. All that beautiful space on the opposite side of the room. Why couldn't he be over there?

He'd really prefer it if he were over there.

Dan blinked. The doorway was suddenly in his face. He spun around. Yup, there was Doctor Crazy, staring at the spot where Dan had previously stood. For a moment, Dan forgot his situation, too enthralled at holy shit superpowers!

A very quiet squeal of joy left his lips.

But Doctor Crazy heard it. The old man spun around to face him and Dan located his panic real fast. He turned to the door, just in time to see it hiss shut. Another panicked spin, and he managed to get sight of the doctor just as—

Just as the old man casually removed the scalpel embedded in his cabinet. All hostility had left his frame, leaving behind a perfectly normal, if ancient, little scientist. Two scalpels clinked merrily back onto their tray. Doctor Mercury polished his glasses on his lab coat, and peered at Dan with a smug expression.

"And now we know what your power is."