The Squire on a White Horse

Chapter 11.1. My Master

I thought he was just going to leave, but Stanley walked up to me and got down on one knee at my feet.

I looked him in the eyes with trepidation.

He had the same kind of fear, the same kind of confusion in his eyes.

Still, he didn’t run away like I did.

“Listen, My Lady. I told you this in the beginning. When I agreed to be engaged to you, I made up my mind that I would not have children. Originally, I had planned to remain single while serving my master here. Not being able to have children is only a small thing to me.”

It may be true that it was only a trivial matter. But it was also true that he had decided not to have children, and by quitting the squire’s position and taking over the family business, he had added another option to his life.

There was no way he was going to give it up for me. There is no such thing as a sacrifice.

“I don’t want you to be unhappy because of me…”

“Why do you say that…? He gave me a month of time to think about whether I was really okay with that. I thought and thought and thought about what I wanted to do and then I decided to get engaged to you. And I have no regrets.”

His hand reached out and wrapped around my hand that was resting on his lap. He said slowly, one word at a time, as if to say to me.

“The time when My Lady’s illness was discovered and the time when it was decided that I would take over Arliss are exactly the same. You, who cannot bear children, and I, who have no need of children, we were both in the same place at the same time. My Lady often says that life will turn out as it will. Remembering those words, I decided to resign myself to this inevitable course of events, to fate at last.”

I remembered his voice telling me over and over again, “What will be will be.” He had already accepted that this marriage was meant to be.

Stanley’s fingers touched my cheek, pulling me out of the depths of my thoughts.

His finger traced the outline, then quickly left. Instead, it was the familiar hazel color that caught me. I could no longer look away from those piercing eyes.

“My other master, small, delicate, and weak. I have always wished for your happiness. I still can’t forget the day I met you, a little girl lying on the bed urging me to continue the story, accepting death because she was going to die. I wanted you to live.”

Every time he blinked, his eyes twinkled as if they were wet.

“You were smiling when you underwent an operation that had less than half a chance of success. You say that you have lived your life as you wish and have no regrets even if you die, without knowing the feelings of those around you. Can you imagine how I felt when the surgery was over and I saw you with your eyes open?”

“…You were crying.”

“Yes, I was so happy I cried. Because you no longer had to live with death in your life. Then the next thing I wanted was for you to be happy. I would have done anything for that. When it came to choosing your husband, it took a lot of time, we had many people do research, and you and your father chose the best man for the job. You were to marry a kind and honest nobleman, and I thought that was the end of my self-imposed duty to make you happy.”

“But,” he shook his head. His words and gaze begin to mix with something stronger.

Stanley’s lips trembled as he squeezed my hand, which was wrapped around both of his, tightly.

“But that engagement was broken off, and the task fell to me. I made up my mind to that fate. If I am the only one who can make you happy, then I will make you happy…!”

His words become louder.

Stanley stood up, grabbed both my wrists tightly, and shouted.

“And it’s not something that was forced on me by you or anyone else! It wasn’t something I decided I didn’t want to do, it wasn’t something I gave up! I decided that I wanted to do it myself! I have no intention of marrying you and being unhappy…!”

His voice rang in my ears, and a silence fell over my brain.

I took my time and repeated his words in silence.

Even though they were intense words, they were surprisingly gentle and warm, enveloping me.

“If you’re happy, I’m happy. If you keep smiling, I don’t need anything else. No need.”

I looked up at the murmured words.

My wrist, which was about to be crushed, was suddenly let go.

“I’m sorry…”

Muttering in a stunned voice, Stanley wandered off and took two steps back.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry. Please forgive my rudeness.”

He knelt down in front of me again and hung his head deeply.

I reached out my arm and touched his hair. I gently pulled his head back and held on to it, and his slightly confused hand touched my back and was quickly lowered.

He cared for me much, much more than I had ever imagined. He was giving me the greatest happiness.

And now he was going to make me happy as his fiancée and wife.

Stanley pushed me gently on the shoulder. Our lips were almost touching as he whispered, “My Lady.”

“I’m a man, so I can’t really experience the pain of not being able to have children. I can only imagine how much you are suffering and how hurt you are by the words of others.”

I nodded my head.

“So, tell me. Tell me. If you do, I might be able to ease some of your suffering.”

I nodded once more, and a tear fell at that moment.

It was a tear I hadn’t seen for years. It had been so long that I couldn’t remember how to stop them.

I tried to wipe it off, but my hand was stopped and a handkerchief was offered to me.

I thanked him, accepted it, and wiped my tears over and over again. I took several deep breaths, and when the sobbing stopped, I finally made up my mind.

I was ready to open my heart.

“Stanley, I’m scared…”

His hand squeezed mine again. I squeezed it back as hard as I could and let it all out in a shaky voice.

“I’m afraid of being the wife of someone as wonderful as you and standing next to you. I’ve lived a lousy life, I’m naive, and I can’t have a child… that other women can take for granted. I am sure it is a mockery to the world. My shame will be the shame of you, my husband. I’m afraid that one day I’ll be a burden to you, a burden that you have to work so hard to live with.”

Stanley’s eyes widened. He couldn’t imagine that I was worried about such a thing.

“I want to be useful to you. Instead of not being able to have children, I have to put up with you going out and having them. I need to be able to do other things as well. I’ve been trying so hard, putting up with so much, but I don’t even know if it’s enough.”

The tears that I thought had stopped flowed again.

“I was tired of…”

I was sick and tired of everything, and I was terrified.

There was a thump on my body and I found myself in Stanley’s arms. He gently stroked the back of my head as he held me tightly.

“You did your best. You’ve done a great job with what you’ve been through.”

I nodded my head. It was the greatest effort in my history. I rested my head on his shoulder and let his gentle hands guide me.

“But you don’t have to work so hard anymore.”

“Yes…”

“After marriage, we have a lot of things to work on again. Let’s rest now, both of us.”

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to put up with anything. I’ll never do anything to make you sad.”

“Yes.”

I pressed my face against Stanley’s shoulder and nodded my head again and again.

I put my hand on his back and squeezed it tightly. I felt Stanley stammer something. This time I waited for him to say something.

Finally, he exhaled and began to speak in a quiet voice.

“My Lady said I was a wonderful man, but I am far from wonderful.”

He slowly moved away from my body and continued to speak as if he was mocking himself.

“I was on the verge of self-destruction because I couldn’t even assess my own limits, and the pressure of taking over Arliss Trading Company pushed me over the edge. If you hadn’t forced me to rest for you, I don’t know what would have happened to me now.”

Stanley let out a bitter laugh as if he remembered something.

“I was standing there because I wanted to see your face.”

That time. That time, when he was standing in front of my study room with an ashen complexion? When he touched my hand as if he was clinging to me and said, “I’m tired,” in an unusually weak voice.

“I can’t tell you how much your smile, your cheerful laughter, and your voice telling me I could make it, saved me. You’ve already helped me so many times, My Lady.”

I wondered if I was really helping him with that. Stanley laughed at my skepticism.

“Can I ask you for just a little more? I’m not very good at getting rest, and if I whimper that I’m tired, you can reprimand me to get some rest. If I’m struggling, listen to me and encourage me that I can manage that. When I am happy, smile at me. When I’m having a hard time, please talk to me.”

I nodded my head. I ruminated again in my head and nodded even more this time.

“Yes, I can do that.”

I didn’t have to work so hard that I was trapped and held back so much that I cried, but I could help him.

“Is there anything you want me to do, My Lady?”

What I wanted him to do.