The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

The double doors to the Rimeaux Estate's hall opened up before me.

Inside, a welcoming party consisting of every rogue, hooligan and criminal in Reitzlake awaited me.

Lining up either side of a large, rolling carpet, the worst that villainy could offer watched as I, along with a humming Coppelia and a very stiff Lady Renise, walked up the fabric road. Dark eyes glinted from torches on the walls and moonlight pouring through the expansive windows.

And then there were the weapons.

A litany of knives, daggers … and unwieldy black maces wielded by armoured guards. The professional hirelings of House Tolent, who formed a wall before Lady Lucina as she sat at a table at the end of the hall. Either side of her, a commoner and a member of the nobility stood. I recognised neither.

What I did recognise, however, was the stares of each and every ruffian in the hall, eyeing the ruby pommel of the sword by my side.

Their wish was clear. That I dare draw it to be claimed.

We were surrounded with no means of escape, and with more weapons pointed at us than a general in the midst of an enemy army.

Seeing the situation laid bare before me, I could not help but feel the sweat running down my back.

This was a huge problem.

A problem more severe than I'd ever anticipated.

… How was I supposed to requisition so many weapons?!

How was I supposed to carry any of this?!

It'd taken several sacks to haul away the weapons of a mere handful of forest bandits, and I still needed Coppelia to help! Now? Now I needed more than sacks! I needed carts! And Apple!

Despair ran through me. I'd need to unstable Apple and hire several carts. Where does one hire carts? Especially at this time? Could I also get them at the stables? Or did I need to rent them from individual shopkeepers?

This was a logistical challenge I'd never had to contend with before. And that was just weapons. How was I supposed to deal with the armour as well? The guards around Lady Lucina were in full plate. I didn't even know how to unlatch armour ...

How was I supposed to get any sleep tonight?!

“Juliette,” said Lady Renise in a low voice. “You look very concerned.”

“Yes, this is more than I expected.”

“I see … so when you started maniacally laughing outside, that was merely a bluff?”

“No, that's always real,” said Coppelia, leaning forwards slightly.

“Oh, so that laughter was genuine?”

“Yep. She can do it again if you want.”

“I'm not doing it again,” I replied, before pausing. “... Yet.”

“Okay.” Lady Renise's eyes took in the armed mob around us. “Because I was actually hoping it was a bluff.”

“Why would you hope that?” I asked.

“Because it means you were truly looking forward to the prospect of simply walking into the heart of the enemy's stronghold. And that's deeply concerning to me.”

I waved away Lady Renise's concern with a smile.

True, the entire armed contingent of all of Reitzlake's criminal underworld was currently present in this room. That was bad. The smell was revolting.

But at the same time, all the manpower I needed to ensure that the kingdom's soap making industry would become a world leading enterprise was also currently present in this room. That was good.

Very good.

Enough that when presented with the simpering smile of Lady Lucina Tolent, who I recognised for the sole reason that she was the only one seated, I was inclined to allow her the opening line that she'd been reciting for this moment.

It was a charitable give on my part. A loose red dress and auburn hair? Someone was playing the temptress card a little too candidly to be fashionable.

“Welcome, my lovely guests, to the Tolent Estate,” said Lady Lucina. “The Reitzlake 2nd branch, of course.”

Hmm.

Insulting, presumptuous and impertinent. 7/10. Acceptable.

“You haven't changed the décor, I notice,” replied Lady Renise, stopping well short of the table as House Tolent's guards blocked us. “Still settling in? It's already been more than an hour.”

“I was partial to the choices of the previous owners. Some, and by that I mean all, of the upholstery will need to go. But otherwise, I feel that respecting the senses of those who lived here previously is worthy of consideration. They did have many years to shape the interior design to best suit the natural lighting.”

“I'm certain they'll feel your deference. Before we continue, are we required to take our shoes off first, or may we sully the carpet that my great grandfather purchased from the Summer Kingdoms?”

“You may keep your shoes on.” Lady Lucina waved vaguely towards mine and Coppelia's direction. “You and these … adventurers also.”

“Should I introduce them? Or would you rather skip pretending to be interested?”

“—Actually, I'm an assistant librarian. Hi.”

A pause occurred where nobody knew how to react to Coppelia's cheerfulness.

Naturally, everyone pretended to not hear instead.

“I care not for their names. I care only for yours—written at the bottom of a letter you will write.”

Lady Lucina clicked her fingers.

Two Tolent guards approached her. One carried a stack of parchment. The other several quills and a full ink pot.

“Lady Renise, I'm willing to do you quite a courtesy, owing to my excellent good mood. Now that you're only imagining breaking through my guards and stabbing me repeatedly, as opposed to actually considering doing it, I would like to negotiate with you some outstanding points regarding the formal transfer of ownership of this estate. Do so, and you will be allowed to keep your life with only the most cursory amount of pleading, kneeling and crying to be displayed.”

“No.”

Lady Lucina's cold smile only creaked wider.

“You may write, in whatever detail you'd like, a letter officially signing away all the Rimeaux holdings and assets to my own estate. Do so, and I'll permit you to work as a maid in your former home. I see you're already dressed for the occasion.”

Shrill laughter rang out in the hall, the orchestra directed by the Tolent guards elbowing people in the ribs until they did.

“I'll need copies as well,” Lady Lucina continued. “For official purposes. This is all entirely above board, as you can see.”

“All I can see is your face. And that you have a lovely nose for breaking. Wasn't it a bit more pronounced in your youth? Is it true you had a mage cast alteration magic to make it less blocky?”

A few hiccups of laughter rang out again. They were silenced. Again by elbows.

Lady Lucina's smile finally dropped. Even though I'd never seen her before, I could see plainly that her unsmiling face was her usual one. Her cheek muscles didn't seem like they were physically toiling from the unfamiliar use.

“You would do well to consider my olive branch. Your life is in my hands, Renise. And I would remind you that you have no hope of saving your doting parents if you are dead.”

“A wonderful reminder. Thank you for your enlightenment.”

“You're quite welcome. And if you prove useful in my service, then I may even instruct my guards to allow you a few chances to escape with your father or mother carried in a potato sack. You certainly have the gall. We admire that, as you know. I wouldn't want to discourage it.”

I had to stop myself from yawning.

It was a shallow and wholly unnecessary display of power. Not only content to seize the Rimeaux Estate, she was now attempting to force a handwritten note of capitulation. No doubt she was still seething from Lady Renise's initial escape, and even the daring way she simply returned.

No, she had to do something beyond merely killing her on the spot.

And that was why Lady Lucina Tolent would always be a third-rate villainess.

Because the good ones dispatched their foes with little fanfare and only a cursory amount of gloating. There was only one way for a villain to lose from a winning position. And that was if they loitered until their enemies were inevitably rescued at the death. This posturing was utterly useless.

Especially as Lady Renise had no inclination to play the meek maid.

Her hand swept out, all the parchment and ink splattering across the carpet. The young woman slightly kicked the ink pot away for good measure.

Lady Lucina's eyes narrowed at the mess.

“You'll have to pay for that. It's my carpet, you realise.”

“That isn't for you to decide,” said Lady Renise, gesturing to her side. “It's for the silvered steel of these beside me.”

A few moments of silence passed. Coppelia poked me.

“Psst. It's your turn.”

“Oh, my apologies. It's been too long since I was last entertained by the catfighting of nobility. Usually, it's arguments over who stole the strawberry on the last shortcake. An armed attack on another estate is quite unprecedented.”

Lady Lucina looked like she considered another smile. She chose not to.

“So you're familiar with how we operate, adventurer. Excellent. And as for the …”

“Assistant librarian. Why is that so hard to remember? It's not a weird occupation.”

“Assistant librarian, then. I have, well, I have frankly no idea why you're even here. But regardless, you both may have my apologies for the unsightliness before you. However, as you can no doubt see, this is a matter between two rival Houses. As per the Guild Code, you will have to excuse yourself. However—”

She lazily flicked her hand. Another Tolent guard came over to us.

This time, he was carrying a small chest filled with crowns.

“A donation, in light of your time wasted due to Lady Renise's antics. I do not know what she told you in order to bring you here, but as a courtesy to the neutrality of the Adventurer's Guild, I will endeavour to pay whatever reward she's promised for your assistance.”

Ohohoho … come now, did she truly think we could be bribed so easily?

“We agree to—mhfffhhjhf.”

I covered Coppelia's mouth with my hand, then did my best to ignore her continued fidgeting.

“Please, as if the Adventurer's Guild has ever shied from interfering in politics,” I said. “Their incessant interference in matters of law and governance are a nuisance recognised the continent over.”

Lady Lucina blinked wordlessly. Her eyes wandered over to the copper ring I wore.

“B-Be that as it may,” I added. “This is not simply a matter of politics. It's a matter of crime. This estate is the headquarters of the Smugglers Guild, and you have now claimed the seat as the new Smuggler Queen.”

The silence which permeated throughout the hall would have permitted a raindrop to echo. I basked in the momentary stillness. Once nobility began talking, it only ended when somebody was thrown through a window.

“So Lady Renise has been spinning tall tales. That is quite the accusation you make, adventurer. One that I'm surprised you would claim with so few of your kind present.”

She shifted ever so slightly, rapping her nails against the arm of her chair.

“My contacts at the Adventurer's Guild report no movements against us. Not even a whisper. And this is a highly unorthodox visit. By any chance, is your presence here not entirely sanctioned?”

“Rest assured that I'm not here as an adventurer,” I replied, to the sight of Lady Renise desperately shaking her head at me. “I'm here as the boot of authority. And I see that the creases in the carpet are not the only thing that needs stamping out.”

Lady Lucina smirked. She waved her hand. The guard carrying the chest retreated and the audience jeered in laughter as weapons were freely drawn.

A multi-purpose wave. Now that was impressive.

“Is that so?” Lady Lucina obviously relaxed, settling into her stolen seat. “In that case, let me inform you that you are wrong. I am not the Smuggler Queen. Indeed, what I did was for the sake of not only this guild, but Reitzlake. The Smugglers Guild no longer accept the tyranny of monarchs, no matter which throne they sit.”

A chorus of agreement rang out throughout the hall, interspersed with boisterous laughter. Lady Lucina held her back straighter, knowing she'd sung a sweet note.

My hand fell from Coppelia's mouth. She didn't say anything. And neither did I.

I merely gazed into the eyes of the woman in front, who among all of the hoodlums in this room was the least impressive.

The acquisition of a criminal enterprise. The seizure of a rival holding. The unrest in a capital. The weakness of a kingdom. Always different names, but always the same process. Goodness. It was as though I was back in the Royal Villa's library. How many entries in our history books had I read where this tale played out? I could already feel my eyes wandering from the boredom.

Why, this was not merely a ploy for crowns, but the Crown itself.

This was the beginning of a coup.

“Oh … oho … ohohohoho!!! … Ohohohohohhoho!!!~”

I couldn't stop myself as I broke into laughter.

Unseemly laughter without end, inviting no interruption as I allowed my mocking jeer to trail into silence. I laughed until there was not even room for disbelief on my part.

Only disappointment.

“Really now, Lady Lucina. Anybody who says a line like that already has their coronation speech written. What does yours say? Have you made sure to properly thank your lowly subordinates before you discard them? That's important. They may feel hard done by otherwise.”

Lady Lucina tilted her head slightly, her expression cold and severe.

“What are you implying, girl? Did you not hear me? We do not accept kings or queens in the Smugglers Guild.”

“Yes, yes, I heard you,” I said, flicking my wrist. “Everyone did. Unfortunately, this has been done before.”

I pointed around the Rimeaux Estate and continued.

“Repeatedly, in fact. Treason is the favoured hobby of nobility, you see, and your designs are as dull as they are fated to fail. Do you know why? Because you have no imagination. You have more chance of a pretty nose than becoming queen.”

Out of everything she had said and done, her believing that this paper-thin scheme wouldn't be seen through was the greatest insult of all. Honestly, I'd seen poodles pawing at cookie jars with more nuance than she had.

The kingdom was awash with threats, but the designs of Lady Lucina was not one of them. She was simply a cockroach that had grown overly large.

And I happened to have a boot that was larger still.

No … the Smugglers Guild needed to be disbanded. They were the true plague. This dull woman at the helm was merely the next figurehead waiting to be betrayed by her own henchmen.

Which one would it be, I wonder? Likely the commoner beside her. It was only natural to follow a lady with a hand from the street, until the cycle required the fresh funds of nobility once again.

For a moment, Lady Lucina only looked at me in quiet thought.

“... Do I know you, adventurer?”

“You do not have that pleasure, I'm afraid.”

“Good.”

She rose from her seat. Even so, I could see that it was sluggish and drained, as though her feet were still firmly in the gutters.

“You know,” began Coppelia, who was about to say something highly unhelpful. “This is where you declare something like, 'I have no wish to be queen. Why should I, when I can be an empress instead?' … Also with the evil voice, too.”

“No.” Lucina Tolent gave another multi-purpose wave. “This is where I order everyone to ruthlessly kill you.”