Chapter 33: Muddled Feelings

“Why are you crying?” He Xi was startled awake by Jiang Ling’s tears. As soon as she opened her eyes, she saw Jiang Ling’s crying face as she held her close. 

“I don’t want you to die…” Jiang Ling seemed to still be immersed in grief. She looked up blankly from He Xi’s embrace. With a smiling expression, He Xi’s beautiful eyes gazed at Jiang Ling with an indiscernible tenderness shining through. 

Jiang Ling came back to her senses and realized that she had lost control of her emotions. Her face flushed, and she wiped away her tears, “I…I won’t cry for an enemy. Don’t forget, before we’ve investigated, you’re still my enemy.” She turned away spitefully, not wanting to face He Xi. 

He Xi’s gaze as she looked at Jiang Ling was very different tonight. Jiang Ling felt flustered for some reason, so she hid from it. 

He Xi’s eyes curved into a smile, her heart brightening. 

This was her first seeing someone shed tears for her. Her heart softened, waves of feeling rippling through her heart. Her amber-colored eyes deepened, like she was deliberating something. 

She straightened up and grabbed Jiang Ling’s hand, making her turn toward her. The corners of her rosy lips curled upward. She stared intently at Jiang Ling, her scorching gaze landing on Jiang Ling’s face. In this moment, her world, her heart, were both seized by Jiang Ling; those waves in her heart surged. 

“Jiang Ling, you care about me. I’m so happy…” He Xi lowered her voice, thoroughly bewitching. She cradled Jiang Ling’s face and softly wiped away the tear tracks with her thumb. 

Whatever He Xi said afterward, Jiang Ling did not hear a single word of it. There was a rushing in her ears, and she only saw He Xi’s satiny lips open and close as she spoke. 

“Jiang Ling.” A deep attraction burrowed into heart and perplexed her mind. 

He Xi’s face suddenly grew larger, and while Jiang Ling reacted to her drawing near, He Xi’s lips had already lightly brushed acrossed her’s, like she was sampling the taste of some worldly treasure, carefully and cautiously. The soft, gentle touch of their lips made Jiang Ling tremble slightly. 

“Wu…What are you doing?!” Jiang Ling put her hands on He Xi’s shoulders and put distance between them, her dewy eyes filled with panic. 

“The way you were looking at me just now. You were thinking of it, were you not?” He Xi tilted her head. Her beautiful irises gazed attentively at her, watching for her reaction. 

“You’re crazy, we…we…we’re both…” Jiang Ling was frustrated and shamed into anger. She had been possessed just now, staring at He Xi’s lips. She had not…had not had the intention to kiss He Xi…moreover, kissing was something between men and women, right?

This sudden kiss had gone beyond Jiang Ling’s notions of the world. She stared at He Xi, frightened out of her mind. 

“I am crazy.” He Xi leaned forward once more and captured Jiang Ling’s lips, kissing her deeper than before, “Jiang Ling, don’t reject me.”

Jiang Ling was kissed until she was breathless. Her mind lost all ability to think, and she had not considered refusing before her reason was lost once more. She followed He Xi’s actions and laid down on the bed…

Jiang Ling felt that she was going crazy, too. The rushing in her ears grew louder and her consciousness blurred. He Xi’s touch was not overtly scalding, yet it ignited her. 

He Xi brought her to an entirely new world, a warm one she loved, one impossible to leave once indulged. She and He Xi were like two fish in a river, unbridled and unrestrained. 

…

The noon sunlight streamed into the room. Jiang Ling furrowed her brow, like she was about to wake up. 

“Awake?” He Xi said, her voice affectionate. 

Jiang Ling suddenly blinked open her eyes and found that He Xi was already up and dressed, sitting beside the bed, gazing at her attentively. She clutched the blanket and sat up. Her body still carried some embarrassing discomfiture. When she recalled what happened the previous night, her mind sizzled. She was crazy, absolutely insane. 

Jiang Ling’s face flushed red then went pale, feeling that she had been bullied. She struck out with a fist, wanting to beat the chief culprit’s beautiful face. Right, she must have been muddled by that face to do something as unbelievable as this. 

He Xi reached out and caught Jiang Ling’s weak fist, saying, “You’re adorable when you’re sleeping.”

“You!” Jiang Ling’s tone was even more displeased. 

“When you were begging me last night, you weren’t this—fierce.” He Xi’s eyes curved into crescents, like she was savoring the aftertaste. 

“Don’t think about it!” Bashful, Jiang Ling threw herself at He Xi, covering He Xi’s eyes with her hands. He Xi was thrown back by Jiang Ling’s pounce and the two of them fell to the ground, the thick rug cushioning their fall so they were not hurt. Jiang Ling’s body pressed down on He Xi, their bodies seeming to stick together. Jiang Ling was startled out of her wits by the accidental fall; He Xi’s face was so very close. 

Time seemed to stand still. Jiang Ling lowered her head to look at He Xi beneath her. He Xi was smiling, Jiang Ling’s own reflection in her seductive eyes. Jiang Ling was bewitched by her once again and quietly rested on her. He Xi’s hands encircled her waist, gazing at her motionlessly. 

He Xi raised her head slightly, but just as her pink lips were going to make contact with Jiang Ling’s, she abruptly sat up and pulled Jiang Ling into her arms. She grabbed the blanket off the bed with a free hand and wrapped Jiang Ling inside, turning Jiang Ling into a zongzi[1] before dumping her on the bed. 

Only then did Jiang Ling remember that she did not have a stitch of clothing on her. Her face immediately flushed bright red, and she buried her head into the blanket in silence. 

He Xi’s eyes and brow were tinged with amorous feelings. She said gently: “Wait for me to come back.” Just then, footsteps sounded outside the door; someone was coming. He Xi left, shutting the door behind her. 

Jiang Ling covered her mouth, sitting on the bed in a daze—just now, was He Xi going to kiss her again?

…

As she waited for He Xi to return, Jiang Ling got dressed and sat on the rug, lost in thought. Seeing that He Xi came back, for a moment, Jiang Ling did not know how to face her. The room was stiflingly hot. She stood up, slipping past He Xi, wanting to walk out. 

“Jiang Ling.” Just as Jiang Ling flitted by her, He Xi grabbed her wrist, “Where are you going?”

The smooth touch on her wrist made her break out in goosebumps, the sensations from last night floating up in her mind. 

She did not know where she was going, she just did not know how to face He Xi right now. Gritting her teeth, she threw off He Xi’s hand and ran out of the room. 

Jiang Ling ran around the oasis aimlessly for a while. Eventually, she saw the little lake, the source of life in the oasis and the sight that had given them hope. Short trees grew beside the lake, a cool breeze sending ripples that scattered the sunlight reflecting off its surface. The trees’ leaves rustled in the breeze, the crispness of the wind dousing the flames in Jiang Ling’s heart. She found a tree and hid in its shade, shutting her eyes. She put what had happened out of her mind, forgetting her worries and enjoying the hard-sought peace. 

When she woke up, the sun had already traversed the sky to the west, its rays peeking out from the horizon. She rubbed her eyes, sitting up to lean her back against the tree. 

A figure sat beside the lake, the sight a bit lonesome; it was He Xi. Jiang Ling could not help but want to go over and give her a hug. 

Jiang Ling sighed, heading over to sit beside He Xi. He Xi sensed Jiang Ling’s presence and slanted her head slightly to look at her. The evening breeze brushed past Jiang Ling’s cheeks, stirring the wisps of her hair: a sight He Xi was fond of. 

“I’m sorry. Right now, I can’t accept it.” She wanted to flee—flee somewhere where there was no one and forget what she had just done with He Xi. However, when she thought of how she would not be able to see He Xi, would never be able to hear her voice ever again, it felt like Jiang Ling’s heart was being gouged out by a dagger. 

“Hm?” He Xi had not expected that Jiang Ling would be the first to apologize. The moment Jiang Ling had run off, she had regretted—regretted that her desire had overpowered her reason last night, and that she had scared Jiang Ling away. 

“In the central plains, what happened between us is unheard of.” Jiang Ling had never known that two women could do this. 

“I know.” It was seldom seen in Xiyu, as well. 

“How long have you been here?”

“As long as you’ve been out here.” She had actually sat here for the entire afternoon. 

“I was afraid you’d disappear just like that.” He Xi had been mindful of what she had to gain and what she had to lose. Xiyu was not bound by the same fetters of dogmatic courtesy and etiquette as the central plains were; if you liked someone, then you could pursue them intrepidly. It was like this for her as well. In the time she had been with Jiang Ling, her heart grew filled with Jiang Ling, and she had gradually come to understand her own feelings toward her. Certain of her own thoughts, she had acted on them, and Jiang Ling had not refused her. She thought that everything had happened so smoothly, and that she could be with Jiang Ling just like that. 

But when she saw Jiang Ling run away without a word, He Xi felt fear. She was afraid—afraid that Jiang Ling would just run away, run back to the central plains, to a place she could not find her. 

And so, He Xi followed her closely until she saw Jiang Ling run up to the lakeside and fall asleep. The worries in her heart eased by half, and she sat beside the lake quietly, accompanying her. 

Jiang Ling was silent for a bit. She could not think of a response for He Xi, and figured they should talk when they returned. 

“He Xi, let’s head back.” Jiang Ling was a little hungry after being out for so long. 

The sunlight had been blindingly bright when she had left, and now the moon shone as she returned. The night air was brisk. Cold, Jiang Ling hugged herself, rubbing her arms to warm up. 

Suddenly, there was a warmth in her hand. He Xi had reached out and caught Jiang Ling’s hand, their fingers lacing together, “It’s cold, let’s hurry back.”

Saying as much, she tugged on Jiang Ling’s hand, pulling her into a run. The two of them were the sole figures under the gentle moonlight. 

When they arrived, they saw the old woman gripping the fence, her face filled with worry as she looked about. Seeing the two of them return, she felt relieved, telling them that if a conflict ever arose between sisters, they should not run away recklessly, and should instead go back to their room. 

At noon, the old woman had seen the two of them run out one after the other and felt certain that there had been an argument. She fretted over them, but seeing how they were right now, the conflict must have been resolved. 

Jiang Ling went back to their room and, upon seeing He Xi’s bed still lying there in disarray, she was reminded of everything that had happened last night. Her emotions, which had initially stabilized somewhat, were stirred up again. Her cheeks burned, and she stood off to the side, neither advancing nor retreating. 

He Xi walked over to tidy up of her own accord. 

“I’m going to sleep…” Jiang Ling did not look at He Xi as she rolled up in her blanket and shut her eyes. 

Jiang Ling had slept too much that day and could not sleep at all. She forced herself not to think about it, but her efforts backfired. The more she tried not to think about it, the more vivid the images in her mind’s eye were, and the faster her heart beat. 

Jiang Ling tossed and turned, and all the while, the person who had done this to her was snoozing peacefully. The more she thought about it, the more irritated she felt. She had to get even; she would not take such bullying lying down. 

And so, she slipped into He Xi’s bed like a fish, pressing her down. 

“What are you doing?” He Xi was unsurprised by Jiang Ling’s sudden appearance. Her hands naturally held Jiang Ling’s waist and traced circles with her fingers, immediately setting Jiang Ling alight. 

“You bullied me last night, so I’m going to bully you back. I won’t be on the losing end.”

He Xi raised her head, her lips pressing against Jiang Ling’s ear and she exhaled a hot breath. 

“Can you.” A provocation. 

Jiang Ling shivered from He Xi’s enticement. Her expression froze, and she took a deep breath, “Just you wait.” Learning from He Xi’s movements, she returned each of them to her. 

After their storm of passion[2] ended, Jiang Ling returned to her own bed, satisfied. Tucked into her blanket, she said, “Now we’re even.”

He Xi returned to her senses, her voice low and hoarse, “You have to make this kind of thing clear, too?” When dealing with Jiang Ling, who always had to make every little thing clear, she could not help but want to chuckle. 

Jiang Ling buried her head, “Of course!”