Walk Into Your Good Night

When I walked out of Tang Jing Chuan’s house, I thought of that line again: Unfulfilled love is the most romantic.

I recalled the moment the tips of our noses almost touched. The smell of alcohol that emanated from his breath hadn’t faded from my heart. Even after I got home, drank another half bottle of wine, and lay down on my bed, I was still thinking about it.

I thought of how Tang Jing Chuan was like a butterfly who rested on me who was a flower petal. He decorated my world, yet was unknowing of any of it.

After I had that meal at their house, I hadn’t taken the initiative to contact them again.

It felt like Tang Jing Chuan’s words were right by my ear. He firmly said, “We don’t need any more.”

Even though I knew he said those words because of a misunderstanding he had about my intentions with his wife, maintaining a distance from then on was the best course of action for us.

Ultimately, we were two people who were going our separate paths. It’s just that there happened to be an intersection somewhere along our roads, causing us to meet each other, but we had to continue walking forwards; he couldn’t change his course and follow me on my own path, and I, on the other hand, couldn’t force him to accept an intruder like me.

I’d always made self-restraint my creed. Restrain myself, don’t think of him, don’t look at him, don’t care about him.

Autumn passed by incredibly fast. All of a sudden, snow started to float outside the window.

That night I was dealing with some documents at home. At around 10 o’clock, the doorbell suddenly rang.

At that moment I thought, if it wasn’t a home invader, then it had to have been Tang Jing Chuan.

My expectation was met. It actually was him.

The instant I saw him, I felt an indescribable joy. There was heavy snowfall outside; the snow looked like goose feathers fluttering downward. He was wearing a black sweater, stood at my doorstep and said, “Mr. Shui, I beg of you, please bring us to the hospital just this once.”

That night was full of disorder. Well, I was still somewhat alright, it was mainly Tang Jing Chuan that was panicky.

His wife had been taking medicine and keeping up with conservative treatment. The doctor had said that at best, she only had 1 or 2 years left.

But it hadn’t even been half a year before his wife became incredibly skinny, and she was weaker than the first time I saw her.

I started driving them to the hospital. Tang Jing Chuan was in the backseat, hugging his wife and talking to her repeatedly. The thing is, because she was in pain all over, she could only let out painful murmurs.

As those sounds drifted into my ears, I was brought back to the time before my dad passed away.

The pain and suffering that cancer patients go through is one we healthy people can’t even begin to imagine. Not only are they fighting against a serious illness, but they’re more so fighting against themselves. They’re struggling and waiting to see how long they can hold on.

I immediately called my secretary and told him to wait for us at He Kang Hospital.

Tang Jing Chuan’s voice trembled as he said, “Mr. Shui, we…”

“You need to save her life.” I said, “Think about it yourself.”

If we were to go to Di San Hospital at that moment, not only would we be unable to get a bed for her, but how available or good the doctors there were would also be unpredictable.

I told Tang Jing Chuan, “You don’t need to worry about anything. Just take good care of her.”

He didn’t say anything else. I saw him hugging his wife from the rearview mirror, biting at his own lip.

There are seven hardships of life: birth, old age, illness, death, being together with those you despise, being apart from loved ones, and desires that are left unsatisfied.[1]

I had desires for Tang Jing Chuan that were left unsatisfied, and I was going to be witness to their eventual loss.

Throughout the journey it felt like I was having heartburn. I was suffering, yes, but the ones who were truly suffering weren’t me, they were those two in the back.

I thought of what my dad told me again. He said I didn’t know how to feel sorry for others.

When we arrived at He Kang Hospital, my secretary and a doctor were already there waiting for us. I followed Tang Jing Chuan into the hospital corridor and waited for an entire night.

My secretary bought some warm coffee and cakes. Tang Jing Chuan didn’t even look at them; he only looked down at his own fingers.

The backs of his bands were scratched till they bled. Those marks were from his wife when she was in pain.

He was still wearing that black sweater. Because we were in such a rush, he didn’t even have time to put on some outerwear.

I passed the coffee to his hand in an unyielding manner and said to him, “This is the best hospital around here, with the best doctors. She knows you’re outside waiting for her. She’ll be alright.”

Tang Jing Chuan cried, one of his hands holding the coffee, the other rubbing his eyes.

That was the first time I had seen him cry. I signalled my secretary to rest somewhere else, then silently stayed with Tang Jing Chuan. I listened to his crying which slowly got louder.

He actually wasn’t strong at all, he just didn’t have a choice.

He couldn’t display any ounce of tiredness in front of his wife. He had to let her feel as if their lives together still had hope.

I didn’t know how to comfort him, so I could only stay with him.

The tissue in my hand that I wanted to give yet couldn’t was crumpled in my hand. Heaven knew how much I wanted to take him into my arms and kiss away his tears, but I couldn’t. I could only take on the role of a neighbour and stay with him. I could only hear him lose his voice because of the one he loved.

This was how realistic it was, our lives.

Translator’s notes:

[1] This is from Buddhism.