What Do You Mean I'm The King Now??

"'That's right, ladies and gentlemen, a real castle! Located in the beautiful rolling hills of Somerset, Merah Castle is currently held by the esteemed Langford family, the gracious sponsors of this contest. But for a limited by only, the family has agreed to part ways with this prized structure. Why you ask? We cannot disclose that information. But who actually cares about the reason, right? It's a castle! And for 50G, you too can live like a king!

But be warned! This offer won't last forever! The deadline for entry is April 24th. So act now!'"

Then in much tinier letters at the bottom of the page:

"'Note: terms and exclusions may apply. Entry fee is non-refundable. Participation may involve significant risk, including, but not limited to, nausea, loss of appetite, dismemberment, psychosis, and death. Please consult your doctor before deciding to enter.'"

I finish reading the flyer before handing it back to Argeias.

"Well?" she asks.

"Well what?" I reply, raising an eyebrow.

"Isn't this good fortune? With this, you can simultaneously improve your living situation as well as your stature as a king. The deadline's only a month away though, and you still need to get fifty gold first, though I guess I can lend you some in the meanwhile and-"

I throw up a hand, interrupting the centaur. "Are you serious right now, Argeias? The flyer's obviously a hoax. And if it's not, then it's a scam. U.N Owen? Faux Street? I mean c'mon, that was sixth grade English class for crying out loud." When I notice Argeias giving me a confused look, I just shake my head in reply. "Nevermind. Just remember what I said about Riverbend. Everyone here's a liar and a cheat. There's no possible way a flyer coming from the city is legit. So just toss that thing and let's move on, okay?"

Argeias hesitates for a moment, but then realizing what I'm saying is true, she lifts up her hand, letting go of the flyer, allowing it to be carried off by the wind, off to deceive some other, less-savvy sucker. I nod approvingly, then say, "Alright, no more delays. Next stop, Riverbend."

****

True to its name, Riverbend is built along a deep, winding river, and we have to cross a narrow, wooden bridge before we finally arrive at the town proper. Stepping foot inside the city limits, we are immediately greeted by the stench of human filth, as garbage piles the streets, competing with the weeds for the light of day, and I can already hear the flies buzzing around my head.

"T-this is...Riverbend?" Argeias asks.

I follow her gaze, scanning the rundown houses lining the main street before us, with their cracked, orange shingles and ivy-infested walls, held up by moldy wooden beams that look on the verge of collapse.

Yup, just like I remember. Good ol' Riverbend.

"C'mon, we're going this way," I say, gesturing for Argeias to follow along. I hear her hoofs clack along the uneven brick road behind me as we turn into a narrow alleyway between two four story buildings, heading eastward, and we get about a hundred feet in before I hear her calling out to me.

"By the way, Ash, you never did tell me where we're going."

"Old Agnes' Charitable Good," I reply without turning my head, "But don't let the name fool you. The 'old' part is true, but that's about it. There's nothing charitable or good about that ancient hag. Hell, I'm not even sure her name's actually Agnes. It might as well be Satan."

"Who's 'Satan?" Argeias asks.

"Nevermind, basically what I mean is, just don't let your guard down around her, or she'll eat you for breakfast, shit you out for lunch, and then eat you again for dinner. That's just the kind of woman she is."

"T-that's awful. Why are we going to a store owned by someone so terrible sounding?"

"Some of it's true, but it's really not as bad as King Ash makes it sound," Candy replies, "Granny Agnes was actually a big help to us when we were first starting out."

"Granny?" Argeias asks in surprise, "You two are related?"

"They're not," I interject, "Candy just calls her that." Then turning to my elf companion, I continue, "And besides, it wasn't like she was helping us out of the goodness of her heart. Or did you forget she almost excised my kidney after knocking me out with some drugged tea?"

"King Ash," Candy begins, her tone disapproving, "you know Granny Agnes would never actually do that. She said she was joking."

"Joking my a.s.s. She had the scalpel in her hand prepped and ready when I unexpectedly woke up."

"She said that's because she was in the mood to do some sewing."

"Yeah, sewing me back together after she took my kidney!"

In response to my outburst, I hear a laugh from behind coming from Argeias, her cute giggles bouncing along the narrow alleyway, and it triggers a burst of laughter from me and Candy as well, as the three of us muse over the sheer ridiculousness of the memory. Then, a few moments later, the alleyway ends, and we exit into a wide open plaza, spanning about four blocks in size. I lift up my hand, pointing to the far left corner. "We need to go that way."

We manage no more than a dozen steps into the plaza when, suddenly, I feel a tug on the hem of my shirt. It's Candy, and I look up to see a concerned expression on her face. "What is it?"

"It's 'them'," she replies, gesturing to my right. I turn my head and spot a crowd of five or six people beelining for our location. Narrowing my eyes, I'm just able to make out their faces, and to my dismay, they're ones I recognize.

Shit. These clowns again.

"What are you two staring at?" Argeias asks, coming up beside me. She too looks at the approaching crowd, then says, "Wait, I think those people are waving at us, Ash. Do you know them? Are they friends of yours?"

"Not quite, Argeias," I reply slowly.

"Well regardless, they seem rather eager to meet you-"

"Argeias-?"

"-I mean look at how fast they're coming this way. They're practically sprinting-"

"Argeias-?"

"-Actually, now that I'm looking closely, don't they look kinda angry to you, Ash-?"

"Argeias!" I shout, grabbing ahold of the centaur's wrist, catching her by surprise, "Just shut up and run!"

****

The three of us are panting as we turn the corner, ducking into the backyard of a rundown, single-story house. As I try to catch my breath, I hear Argeias speak.

"Why, why are we running?"

"Because those men are chasing us. Duh!"

"But who were they? Why are they chasing us?"

This time, Candy replies. "They're loan sharks."

"Loan sharks? Wait, Ash, you didn't borrow money from loan sharks, did you?" Argeias asks, pointing a finger in my direction. I give her a scowl in reply.

"I'm not that stupid. Look, those guys run a gambling casino in Riverbend, okay? They're after us because they think me and Candy cheated them out of their money."

"Why would they think that?" Argeias asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Because we cheated them out of their money," Candy replies.

Before Argeias can cry out in protest, I interject. "Look, we only cheated because they were cheating first. And besides, it's not like we even won that much, just a few hundred gold or so."

"A-A few hundred gold?" Argeias stutters out. She takes me by surprise and grabs me by the shoulders, shaking me so vigorously back and forth that I think my neck might snap. "Didn't you say you were penniless?!"

"I am penniless!" I reply, jerking myself away from the centaur before rolling my head around to make sure my neck's still in place.

"How is that possible? What happened to all that money?"

"I spent it," I say simply, and immediately, I see Argeias' eyes glaze over, her expression growing deadpan.

"Don't tell me you spent all that money on p.o.r.n, Ash, or I swear, I'm going to-"

Before Argeias can finish her threat, I put up a hand to stop her. "Relax, will you, Argeias? How stupid do you think I am? You think I'm so irresponsible that'd I spend all that money on p.o.r.n? Don't be ridiculous." Then reaching into my inventory, I pull out a small item about three inches in height, holding it out in the palm of my hand for Argeias to see. "I spent it all on this."

In my hand is a figurine of Candy, gleaming in gold, with her details replicated in stunning accuracy.

Upon seeing the item, Argeias takes a deep breath, then mumbles, "I must apologize, Ash. Clearly, I didn't think lowly enough of you."

"What's that, Argeias?"

"Ash, are you an idiot?! Who sends all their money, hundreds of gold no less, on a stupid figurine?!"

My mouth drops open, aghast. "Argeias! For shame! How could you insult Candy like that?" I say, rubbing the golden statuette against my cheeks. "See? You're going to make her cry."

"That's not Candy! The real Candy is right here!" Argeias exclaims, pointing to the full-sized elf. Then turning her way, Argeias continues, "Tell him, Candy! Tell Ash he's being ridiculous."

Candy's eyes curl into a smile, and in her ever melodic voice, she replies, "Actually, I think it's quite lovely."

"Right? Right?" I prod, holding up the figurine with pride. "Look at the way it captures her hair and the sparkle of her eyes, the curves of her h.i.p.s and the exquisite form of her b.r.e.a.s.ts. Though I have to admit, the real things are still infinitely better." I give Candy a l.e.w.d grin as I flex my left hand open and shut, mimicking the motion of fondling her b.r.e.a.s.t, and the elf looks away shyly in embarrassment. All the while, Argeias is staring at us, her mouth open in disbelief. Finally, apparently unable to stand the situation any longer, she explodes.

"Okay, that's enough! You-!" She points a finger at me. "You're way too whimsical! You can't seem to budget ahead to save your life, and you love spending all your money on stupid garbage! And then there's you-!" She points a finger at Candy. "You're just enabling him! You're too nice! At some point, you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough!"

"Eek, it's evil, pretentious Argeias again," I whisper half-jokingly, though apparently not quietly enough, as the centaur still manages to hear.

"Hmph! I'm not being pretentious. I didn't even call you 'maggot', Ash. All I'm saying is that the two of you have no sense of financial responsibility." She crosses her arms across her c.h.e.s.t, her face forming a disapproving scowl. "That being said, I've made up my mind. I've decided that from now on, I'll be the one to manage the budget for our party. I'll control the purse strings, because you two seem wholly incapable. Now, hand over any money you still have."

I see Argeias hold out her hand, and I just scoff in reply. "No way. I'm not giving my money to someone who thought it was possible to buy a castle for fifty gold."

I see Argeias blush before she snaps back, "Well, I don't want to hear that from someone who spent an entire year's food budget on something stupid like p.o.r.no magazines!"

"W-what?! You just don't understand the complexities of a man's heart! And besides, I told you, me and Candy are penniless-!"

Just as I'm speaking, I notice Candy moving, reaching into her inventory before pulling out a small brown sack about the size of an apple. She unties the string holding the bag close, then turns it upside down, shaking more than twenty gold coins into Argeias' outstretched hands. Suddenly, I feel my mouth drop open wide.

"C-Candy-?! You traitor-!"

"Sorry, King Ash," Candy replies, a gentle smile across her face, "It's just an emergency fund. I didn't mean to hide it from you or anything."

"Why you-!" Before I can continue, I hear a sudden noise coming from the front of the house.

Shit, they caught up.

I turn to Candy, my face a long scowl as I say, "Candy, we're going to need to have a long conversation later about what it means to be king." Then seeing the crowd of men rounding the corner of the house, I break out into a sprint, gesturing for my two companions to follow along.

As we run through the streets of Riverbend, I look back and spot our pursuers, close on our tail and looking to be gaining ground. Suddenly, an idea comes to mind. I turn to Candy and say, "Let's split up. It'll be easier to lose them that way. We'll meet up at Old Agnes' shop. You take Argeias with you, got it?"

Candy nods, and the two break from me, dashing to the left while I continue straight, and within moments, they disappear from view. Fortunately for my two companions, the mob of loan sharks don't seem interested in giving chase. Unfortunately for me, however, that means the entire crowd is still hot on my tail.

Why are they only after me?!

I leap over a pile of garbage, then duck under a broken pipe, continuing to make my way down the street. As I run, however, I can feel my legs beginning to grow tired, and, suddenly, I wish that I had put more points into constitution after all. My speed begins to wane, and, glancing back, I can see the mob gaining ground, only a dozen or so feet back. With a snap decision, I duck into an alleyway, hoping to lose them. My face drops as I round the corner however.

F.u.c.k. A dead end.

I try to turn around and head back the way I came, but I hear voices approaching. I spin my head around, trying to find a way out of the situation. Then suddenly, I hear a voice call out from my right, and as I look, I see a side door crack open just a smidge.

"Over here," the voice says from behind the veil of darkness. With no other options left, I leap for the small opening, rolling headfirst into the building. Behind me, I hear the door slowly creak shut. Then with a click! sound, it locks.