What Do You Mean I'm The King Now??

As I approach the store, I find that Candy and Argeias have already arrived, waiting for me out front. I lift my right hand and greet them, and my elf companion looks up, a relieved expression on her face. "King Ash, you're okay. You managed to escape. I was getting worried since you were taking so long."

"Sorry, I got side-tracked chasing a kid who-" My words suddenly taper off.

"Who what?" Argeias asks, raising an eyebrow.

My eyes dart nervously between my companions' expectant faces. Then realizing the cat's already out of the bag, I sigh before saying, "A kid tricked me and stole the figurine of Candy. I was chasing him and he got away, okay? Go ahead and laugh, Argeias. I get it. I f.u.c.k.e.d up. I didn't think the kid would-" I shake my head. "-I deserve the ridicule after spending all that time lecturing you about not being fooled by the scammers in Riverbend." As I finish, I close my eyes and brace myself for the inevitable mocking. To my surprise, however, none comes. Instead, I just feel a light touch on my face, and, as I open my eyes, I spot that it is Candy, her hand against my cheeks.

"I don't care about some figurine, King Ash. Like I said, I'm just glad you're okay." My elf companion smiles kindly, her golden eyes radiant like the sun. Then to my right, I hear Argeias speak.

"I'm just upset you don't have the figurine anymore, Ash. I was going to suggest pawning it for gold to buy supplies. Oh well." I see the centaur shrug, her expression more of disappointment than exasperation or condescension, and I feel a lump beginning to form in my throat.

"You guys," I mumble. Then quickly looking away, I gesture to the door. "C'mon, let's go in." My two companions nod, and together, we make our way into the store.

As we enter, I am immediately reminded of those gothic boutiques you frequently see at the mall. You must know the kind, the ones with poor lighting, narrow walkways and overuse of black overtones. The only thing missing is some dry ice fog to complete the effect of doom and gloom. Speaking of which-

Walking past the checkout counter, I suddenly spot a disheveled head slowly creeping up, peeking over the edge of the table, with menacing yellow eyes staring in my direction, and I jump back in surprise. It takes me a second before I recognize the figure, and Candy does as well.

"Granny Agnes!" she exclaims, running around the table to offer the shopkeeper a hug. Then together, the two women wrap back around the counter to stand before me, hand in hand, smiles on their faces. I raise an eyebrow, then turn my attention to the short, old lady by Candy's side, the shopkeeper, Agnes. She's clearly not human- a dwarf or gnome or other subterranean species, with a face that is a mess of wrinkles, and wispy gray hair that falls abouts randomly, giving her the impression of being centuries old. How old she actually is, however, I have no idea, and I'm not about to use "Tactile Feedback" to check, if you know what I mean.

Agnes watches me for a long minute, sizing me up, before she finally speaks, the glimmer in her eyes showing life her appearance most certainly does not. "You're back again, brat."

"Nice to see you too, you old hag."

We fall silent as our eyes enter into an unspoken war for control, each trying to assert dominance over the other. Finally, Agnes looks away, her gazing turning to the spot to my left. "I see you've picked up more luggage since the last time you were here, 'Little Ash'." She puts extra emphasis on the last part, and I feel my eyebrows twitch, but before I can say anything, my centaur companion steps up.

"H-hello, I'm Argeias. N-nice to meet you, Agnes."

"Sure, sure," the shopkeeper replies.

I see Argeias pause a second, as if deciding if she should continue. Finally, she says, "U-um, Agnes, I don't want to seem rude or anything but...why are you fondling Candy's b.r.e.a.s.ts?"

The shopkeeper lets out a small, hoarse laugh, her gnarled hands still atop Candy's luscious mounds, rolling the plump n.i.p.p.l.es side to side, drawing the occasional m.o.a.n from my elf companion. "Because they're nice and youthful. Mine are too long gone, you see?"

I notice the withered shopkeeper about to lift up her shirt, and I quickly interject. "Please don't. I want to still be able to sleep at night."

Agnes shoots me a glare before letting go of Candy's b.r.e.a.s.ts, and the elf stumbles forward a bit, falling into my outstretched arms, her face still flush with heat. Then I look up to see the shopkeeper dusting her hands, moving back behind the checkout counter and taking a seat, her head up against her hand, a bored expression on her face.

"So? What did you want, brat?"

"We're here to buy supplies before heading to a dungeon."

My response draws a quick look of surprise from the shopkeeper, and I see her eyes flicker wide, her mouth open mockingly. "Hold on. You're actually going to a dungeon? You of all people? What happened? Your balls finally drop?"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny, you old hag. By the way, you have anything here that doesn't taste like piss?"

"What's wrong with that? It's the perfect flavor for that potty mouth of yours."

"Better a potty mouth than living in a shithole."

"Is that what you're calling that cave of yours now?"

"Only thing here big enough to be a cave is that flabby p.u.s.s.y of yours. How many people can you fit in there again?"

Agnes and I stare back at each other, sparks flying out between us. To the side, I hear Argeias stuttering. "U-uh, you guys…"

"Brat."

"Hag."

Another long, intense moment passes, then suddenly, we both crack a smile, hooting and banging the checkout counter as we burst into laughter, and it takes a full minute before Agnes calms down enough to speak again. She gestures to me and points to the table.

"Well, come on then, let's see what you've brought me this time, brat."