What Do You Mean I'm The King Now??

As we sprint through the forest, I can hear the bugbears giving chase about forty or so feet behind us. This, of course, is extremely bad news, as just a few minutes ago, they were fifty feet back.

"King Ash, I think they're catching up."

I look over to my elf companion and nod. "Roger dodger, secret strategy not very effective. I repeat, secret strategy has failed. We can't outrun them, Candy."

Which means we will have to turn around and fight at some point. The real question is, is it a fight we can win? I don't know what stats the bugbears have, or even what level they are, but based on their reaction time and ability to effortlessly block Candy's arrow, they must be significantly stronger than the goblins we've encountered thus far. "Candy, how many arrows do you have left?"

"Just two, King Ash."

F.u.c.k. That means, even assuming both arrows can hit the mark, there'd still be one bugbear remaining. Parker, you idiot! If you hadn't blown the initial surprise attack, Candy would have enough arrows right now. And there'd be one less bugbear to boot. F.u.c.k! F.u.c.k! F.u.c.k!

I curse myself in silence, tousling my hair frantically with both hands as I try to think of a plan, of how we can get out of our current predicament. That's when my right hand brushes up against the wreath Candy wove for me, still adorned atop my head.

Suddenly, an idea comes to mind, and my eyes open wide with excitement.

I remove the wreath from my head and hold it up in front of my face, staring intently at the blue and pink flowers. Or more specifically, the pink ones. I hadn't remember what they were called before, but the name has just come to me. They're called smokesnappers.

Yes! This'll work...probably. Now, I just need some mana.

I turn to the side and ask, "Candy, do you still have that mana potion we bought from the discount store?"

Candy nods and pulls out a cylindrical glass vial from the pack around her waist, tossing it to me. I catch it with one hand, then uncork it with the one holding the wreath. As I lift up the glass vial, I see the liquid inside jostling about, its color a dirt brown instead of the traditional blue. I think it's bubbling as well. I eye the potion dubiously, then press it against my lips. An absolutely rancid smell infiltrates my nostrils, and I scrunch my nose in disgust. "I swear, if this poisons me, I'm going to haunt that old hag for eternity-"

With one breath, I gulp down the entire potion and swallow. The liquid burns my throat all the way down, leaving behind a sour aftertaste that makes me want to vomit. I manage to hold it down however, and after a moment, to my greatest surprise, I feel somewhat refreshed. I flex my hand and focus my mind, conjuring up a small red flame in my left palm. Based on how I'm feeling, the mana potion probably restored enough for two spells. Hopefully, that will be enough. Otherwise, well-

I shake my head, trying to avoid thinking about the alternatives. Then I turn to Candy and say, "Okay, here's the plan. We're going to split up. I'm going to draw the bugbears' attention away to give you time to find a good vantage point in the trees. I can probably buy you two minutes. After that, wait for my signal, then aim for the bugbears' heads. You'll only have a few seconds' window after my signal to make the shot, so be prepared. Got it?"

Candy gives me a confused look. "That's enough time for me, but won't they just block the arrow like before?"

I grin, holding up the wreath in reply. It takes a second, but I see the light bulb go off in her head as her eyes open with surprised delight. "Oh, that's very clever, King Ash. I don't think they'll see it coming!"

"That's the point, Candy," I say, only half-joking, "Now go!" Candy breaks away from me, running to the right. I, on the other hand, suddenly pivot, stopping my run mid-stride. Then I turn to face the bugbears which are about twenty feet away from my current position. "They'd better understand this." With both hands raised, I throw out a raspberry, take a deep breath and yell, "Yo mama so fat, when I pictured her in my head, I snapped my neck!"

As my words echo through the forest, I see the three bugbears halt their movement, turning their focus completely to me. Then one of them lets out a loud roar, smashing its club into a nearby tree. Splinters of wood fly into the air from the force, and the tree trembles before coming crashing to the ground. One of the bugbears points to me, and its two companions nod. Then the three begin charging towards my location, with greater speed and aggression than before.

"I guess that pissed them off," I say with a shrug.

Your mama jokes. Universally understood and hated. Who knew?

As I watch the bugbears rampage towards me, I can only hope that my little distraction bought enough time for Candy to get into position. Whether she did or not however, I can't wait any longer. I wind my arm, chucking the wreath as high into the air as I can manage. As the wreath flies out of my hands, I catch sight of the bugbears momentarily hesitating, as if trying to decipher the meaning of my abrupt actions.

"Too late." I raise my left hand and point it at the wreath, just as it's hitting its apex, and shout, "Ember!" Instantly, a flaming red ball of fire erupts from my palm and flies up towards the wreath, setting it ablaze. "Three. Two. One."

The wreath suddenly detonates like a bomb, and an explosion of white smoke quickly spreads through the air. Looking over, I see the three bugbears, gazes fixated upwards, momentarily stunned by their own confusion. But then they are gone from view, hidden behind the dense, white fog that has wash over this entire area of the forest, like a cloud falling to the ground from the canopy above. Within the fog, the visibility is now so poor, I can't even see my own hand in front of my face. Fortunately however, this is not a problem for my elf companion.

"Candy! Now!" I yell as I dive to the ground. Within five seconds of my signal, I hear two arrows whiz past my head, followed by two loud thud! sounds, which I assume to be the bodies of two slain bugbears hitting the forest floor.

I wait for another few seconds, watching as the white cloud around me quickly starts to dissipate. Once it's almost completely gone, I stand back up.

Just as I'm getting to my feet, I hear an enraged roar echo through the forest. Looking over, I see that it is the remaining bugbear, with its spiked club raised defensively before its body. Beside it are the corpses of the other two bugbears, with arrows straight through their heads, right between the eyes. I don't have time to congratulate Candy on her yet again excellent marksmanship however, as the remaining bugbear immediately spots me. Its yellow eyes narrow dangerously, and it takes a cautious step in my direction. I can tell from the way it's moving that it's wary of an arrow potentially flying its way. Of course, its assumption is wrong. But if the threat of a ranged attack will limit the bugbear's combat options, then that's just as well for me. There's no way I'm going to correct it and tell it that Candy's out of arrows.

Keeping my eye on the bugbear, I pull out my rapier and take my stance. "Two down, one to go. It's just one on one. Mano y mano. Just you and me now, big boy. Let's do this."