Why Are You So Obsessed With Rejecting Affection?

Chapter 76

My throat was parched when I woke up so I put down Kaiden, then turned around. I remembered that Nina had left a kettle of water and a cup on the bedside table just before I went to bed. Whoosh, as I poured down the water, I heard the sound of wind again from behind me. I also heard the sound of something flapping.

‘Strange, the windows are even closed.’

When I turned around, I saw Kaiden rushing towards the Grand Duke as if he would crash into him, then he was sucked into the Grand Duke’s arms. The Grand Duke’s arms were opened wide as if pushing him down, but it looked like he was actually hugging him as he held Kaiden in his arms.

‘When did they become so close?’

Again, I knew they were fighting. There’s no way the Grand Duke would do that with the young dragon. I shook my head and drank the water.

“By the way, did you come all the way here to wake me up?”

After I finished drinking the water, I looked back and found that Kaiden had disappeared from the Grand Duke’s arms like a ghost. Oh, so he was sitting on the bed over there. Then the Grand Duke picked me up when I turned my head to look at the dragon.

“It’s not good to skip dinner.”

“Oh, it’s already dark so it must be dinner time. How about brother?”

“I told them to eat first. You slept so well that I couldn’t wake you up, that’s why I’m still here.”

“Did you have dinner?”

The Grand Duke shook his head at my question. He came to pick me up but he waited because he was hesitating to wake me up.

I guess I was tired, seeing that the Grand Duke had been here the whole time while I slept soundly.

‘I’m sorry,’ I muttered.

“What dream did you have? You kept groaning.”

“Hmm, I didn’t dream of anything.”

“Really?”

“…Actually, I dreamt about something a little bit.”

The Grand Duke looked at me with such stern eyes that said I shouldn’t lie, so I said I would tell him the truth. As usual, the Grand Duke laughed at me as he asked me again.

“What was your dream about? me?”

“……Actually.”

[‘You’re too much trouble to raise.’ ]

In the dream, the Grand Duke resented me, saying that he had to go to the place where he lost his beloved wife because of me – because I came to this mansion due to the people of the Imperial Palace who threatened my life. Perhaps, it was because I heard Eldeira’s words that I felt guilty and had such a dream.

“Dad, do you dislike this house?”

“……I see, it was because of the head maid.”

Was it really because of me that you had to come here (to this mansion)? I wanted to ask him that, so I clutched my chest and asked nervously. He seemed to understand why I was asking such a question.

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

“But still…”

I hesitated a little.

A troublesome child that takes a lot of work to raise. That was how they saw me (in my dream).

I had thought that I was truly enjoying everyone’s love during my time here at the Grand Duke’s without any doubts by now – acting like a real daughter of the Grand Duke who was showered with love right from the beginning.

‘I thought everything was going fine now, but I guess I am still afraid of being thrown away.’

It was vastly different from my belief of how a family works. It was very natural for a child to crave for the love and care of an adult when they are growing up, that is why, the Grand Duke wouldn’t abandon me for that reason. Yet, unconsciously, I kept losing my reason. As if I was a child that deserved to be hated, as if it was only natural for me to lose the love I was receiving at any time.

It was strange that such illogical thoughts kept coming to my mind, as if I had been brainwashed for a very long time.

‘Is my real mental age younger than I thought…?’

I’m not even a real child, but I’m acting silly for nothing. Was it because the shock of meeting Azuela was so great? Or was it because this place is the Capital? Unknown questions circulated in my head, and something suddenly popped into my head.

『“See, there was no way everyone really loved you. I was really worried about you so I warned you to leave before it became like this….”

Azuela whispered while stroking Shuelina’s hair. Her hair was unfortunately very frizzy because she suffered a lot.

She should’ve left sooner when Azuela had warned her.

“Do you understand now why your family abandoned you? You deserved it. It was so pitiful to watch you cherishing such vain hopes. You’re full of scars now.”

People should know their place and live. She tried to live a fake life so of course, it wouldn’t work. Eventually, the Emperor and the Crown Prince’s affection returned to the real Princess Azuela.

“I feel so sorry for you, like a tiger moth.”

(T/N: The author used 부나방 which means ‘tiger moth’, but I thought that can also refer to 불나방 which means ‘someone is naïve/stupid/thoughtlessness’, and that fits more with the description. )

Azuela gently stroked Shuelina’s cheek while she whispered. Shuelina looked up at her with empty eyes.』

It was a conversation ‘I’ had with Azuela in the original novel. I vividly recalled her eyes looking at me pitifully as if she was sympathizing with ‘me’. Her eyes that told ‘me’ the affectionate family ‘I’ wanted was nothing but an illusion from the very beginning.

Though it was just a published story, her voice, eyes, facial expression and even the sound of her breaths were so vivid that it felt as if she was in front of me. Was it because I met Azuela in person yesterday? Or… was there actually a secret about me? Maybe I didn’t just simply possess this body, though I am not very sure of it at this moment.

I bit my lip.

‘I’m afraid that Dad will try to be too considerate of me then someday get tired of it and throw me away. How can I tell him this?’

It’s an exaggerated scenario that even a five-year-old wouldn’t think of.

The tip of my chin wrinkled like a walnut when I firmly pressed my lips together. The Grand Duke’s cool fingers grazed over it, and gently rubbed my grimacing lips to straighten them out. Slowly approaching me was Kaiden, flapping his wings. Like he knew that I was feeling sad.

“It is a little different from what the head maid thinks, Shushu.”

“……”

“That person and I…”

The Grand Duke paused for a moment. It was also unusual how the end of his words was slightly trembling.

I looked up at him. Due to the dim light coming in through the window, the Grand Duke’s jaw looked sharper than usual. His Adam’s apple moved as he gulped. It was like he was hesitating to say something.

‘Dad really loved the Grand Duchess.’

And now… it was clear that the Grand Duke was about to bring up the memories he had buried deep in order to tell me what it was – just to reassure me.

I gently pulled at the robe on his chest.

“Dad, don’t tell me.”

But he shook his head. It was already heartbreaking to see his regretful eyes. I didn’t want to see him looking like that.

“But Shushu – .”

“No, please tell me later.” When you can tell me about the good memories with the person you loved with a smile.

It seemed like the Grand Duke needed to heal his wounds first. He was never able to properly tell someone about how much his wounds hurt.

‘I don’t want to reopen my dad’s emotional wounds like this.’

So I will be patient. Be patient, Shuelina. The father and brother who abandoned you aren’t here. That’s just a story inside a novel. The novel has already changed, because my father and brothers now are different.

‘So it’s okay. Happiness is on my side.’

As I soothed my heart and closed my eyes, I said to myself, ‘It’s okay, everything’s fine’, then opened them again. The Grand Duke looked down at my face and slowly nodded.

Someday, the Grand Duke mouthed to me. I could see it even though he only said it with his lips without making a sound.

“Dad, I’m hungry.”

“I’ll take you to the dining room.”

He said with a bashful smile, as if to change the atmosphere on purpose. Then the Grand Duke immediately dropped Kaiden, who was hanging on me, and walked towards the door. Unlike me, who was still short and had short legs, the Grand Duke quickly reached the dining room by maintaining a quick stride with his outstretched legs. When we arrived at the dining room, to our surprise, Wyndert was still sitting at the table.

“You’re awake, Shushu.”

“I thought you had already eaten, brother.”

“I was waiting to see your face. Are you very tired today?”

“Yes.”

I quietly nodded at Wyndert’s words. Meanwhile, the Grand Duke placed me on a chair and put the fork in my hand. The food was changed out quickly when I sat down, and I was given hot food again.

As Franc helped us with the meal, I ate it as soon as the Grand Duke and Wyndert next to us started talking with serious expressions.

“Father, the invitation actually came from the Imperial Palace.”

“To me?”

“No, to me.”

Wyndert picked up the card next to him and handed it over to the Grand Duke, saying that he received it while the Grand Duke was in my room. It was a pale pink card with a shiny outer surface.

‘Where have I seen that card before?’

The Grand Duke looked at the card expressionlessly as I tilted my head to look at it.

“Did you promise to escort the Imperial Princess?”

“No, I am of course going with Shushu.”

Huh? The Imperial Princess asked him to be her escort?

Come to think of it, that card – it looks just like Azuela’s card! I spit out the juice I was drinking at the moment and was greatly surprised.

“Cough, Dad! That, cough…!”

When I suddenly choked and coughed, the surprised Grand Duke threw the card away and jumped up from his seat. As the Grand Duke and Wyndert rushed to me and started patting my back, I saw the words on the card that had fallen.

[On the first day of the New Year’s prom, I leave my hands to you, Wyndert William de Vaillot.]

You’re not asking him to be an escort but giving him an order instead? What, is my brother a commodity like a purse? Are you so sure he will do as you say?

I looked up at Wyndert, communicating my displeasure with my eyes, even if I was having a hard time coughing, and shook my head.

“I will definitely go with you.”

Of course! When we arrived at the Imperial Capital, my heart that had been timid, flared up again.

After Wyndert received an invitation from Azuela and sent back a rejection, I felt uneasy. It has been a while since they had stolen my spirit power the last time so they must be anxious now.

I was thinking about why there was no movement from the Empress, but the Grand Duke informed me of the situation in passing. The wizard that had been caught in the forest was contacted again.

I wonder if the release of the monster is going well. In the end, the Empress thought that Miya was now running wild as a monster, so she must be concentrating on that only.

‘The Grand Duke is here but I was thinking of moving Miya.’

When Miya became a monster and ran wild in the original novel, it was thanks to the Grand Duke that not everything in the monster’s forest was destroyed. There was hope since the Grand Duke stalled for as much time as possible while Azuela was still on the way towards them.

It was a premeditated slaughter in the first place. If it had been the same as in the novel, the Grand Duke wouldn’t be able to attend this coming New Year’s Eve. The Empress thought she must’ve made a mistake this time around, but it seemed to be a good opportunity for her anyways, so she was just going to give it a go.

‘She is less than human.’

I curled up by the window and looked at Miya, who was asleep. Miya can turn into a monster even now if I take off that ribbon, but she doesn’t feel scary at all. The one who I felt was more like a monster was the Empress rather than Miya.

“Now, Grand Princess, you’re all set. You really look like a flower fairy!”

And today is the day I might meet the Empress.

It was the first day of the New Year’s party.