Before My Withering

It was like I went back to the days when I’d been tortured by the gland.    

Insomnia, heart palpitations, vomiting, and fainting frequently.  

Whenever my mind would wander, I’d have this thought where all these past few months were just a dream. There was no Wen Ziqing, no Zhou Chen, no Wen Yan; after I woke up, I’d go to school and find Xu Xingze for dinner, and then head home to wait for Qi Shu to get off work.

But in my dream, I’d often see a rose garden. Under the afternoon sunlight, one man would sit on the bench playing the cello, while the other with scissors fiddled with the roses in the garden. He was clearly doing the work of a gardener, yet he had the elegance of an artist.

 

 

I couldn’t see their faces, but I could feel that they were happy and at peace.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a different person.     

Sometimes I’d recognize him, sometimes I don’t. 

 

Whenever I’d recognize him, I’d beg him to let me go, and went crazy trying to get away. 

When I didn’t know him, I asked him if he knew a place called Sunset Lane, where there was a gentleman waiting for me, and if he could give me a ride back.

He asked me who the gentleman was. 

 

I ignorantly shook my head and said I couldn’t remember. 

He thrashed a lot of things in anger, then pointed to me how I couldn’t even remember the name yet I still wanted to go back. 

“What good thing do you think is he? He only fancied you because you are in my bed!” he hurled a stream of all kinds of abuse.

I felt inexplicably sad and said through my tears that it was not so. 

Panic-stricken, he came up to hug me and also wiped my tears. 

But as soon as he touched me, the cells all over my body began to ache.

Pain was also good. Pain would make me clear-headed for a moment. 

I said a lot of things to him, saying whatever came to mind, because I was afraid that if I didn’t say anything else, I wouldn’t even have the opportunity again. 

“Qi Shu,” I called his name, “I might be dying… They said that people will recall all the good things in their lives before they die, but I have thought about you for a long time, yet only two things have made me happy over these years.”

“…One is when I fell in love with you, the other is when I fell out of love with you.”

“Don’t tell him if I die, I don’t want him to have a hard time.”

“And don’t feel sad, you’re not supposed to be like this…” 

“……Actually, I-I am very easily satisfied. Watch fireworks with me in summer, build a snowman with me in winter, and I can be happy for a whole year…. But you never did.”

“You don’t love me, I don’t blame you, I’m just somewhat…..regretful.”

 

“About the child…… Please don’t blame me, I did all I could… If you want to, there will be many in the future. If I gave birth to someone like me, you won’t like it… “

  

    …………

 

I was too exhausted to talk, so I spoke in an unhurried manner.

He held me from start till end. I couldn’t see what he looked like, but I could feel his shoulders trembling.  

He seems to have lost weight.

P vlv j ugfja atlcu yfobgf P vlfv. P qeiifv atja qgbev jcv bnfgkffclcuis jggbujca Hl Vte ogbw atf abq bo atf wbecajlc ab atf qevvif bo wevv.

Coafg teuulcu obg j ibcu alwf, tf olcjiis mtbxfv eq jcv rjlv, “Po sbe rjs sbe vbc’a ibnf, atfc sbe vbc’a… Tbe’gf atf wbra geatifrr bcf.”

He delivered in such a tone, it was as if I had let him down. 

 

Someone came to see me during that time, a very good-looking and familiar person.

He and Qi Shu quarreled in the living room. I stood on the stairs as if watching a noiseless farce.

“IF THIS GOES ON, HE WILL DIE!! HE WILL DIE, DO YOU KNOW THAT!?” He shouted at Qi Shu, “HAVEN’T YOU TORMENTED HIM ENOUGH!” 

“HE’S NOT GONNA DIE!!!” Qi Shu roared back, yet his gaze was indistinct. “He’ll get better…”

“Stop lying to yourself…” The man tiredly sat down and buried his face in his palm. “You don’t love him, you just can’t accept that he doesn’t love you anymore.”

“No..”

“Love isn’t a cage, marriage isn’t a chain, you don’t have the slightest idea how to love someone at all.” 

“If I don’t understand, does that mean you do? What else do you know how to do except run away! You left the country because you’re afraid of your desire, afraid of being bound by instinct, so you cut off your glands. What you consider an act of defying and unrestrained freedom is nothing but cowardice!”

“Think what you will, I must take him away today.”

 

“Don’t you even dare!”

    

 ……

   

So noisy ah. I’m tired of listening.    

I wanted to go back to sleep. I just walked two steps when behind me came an anxious, “Xiao Xiao!” 

Is he calling me? I don’t know…

I ignored him as if it was the right thing and went back to my room.

A purple plush rabbit sat at the head of the bed. I don’t remember why it’s there, but I know it’s important. Only by holding it, can I sleep.

The rabbit had a faint scent of wine. It’s strange, I don’t drink, how could it have such a smell? 

What made me uneasy was that the scent, day by day, slowly faded away. I’m so afraid that it would disappear, but I could only watch. 

I started to write down the things that came to my mind in my notebook. If I don’t write it down, I’ll forget it at any time.

    【I want to scatter the ashes into the sea, but I want to bury them together with the plush rabbit, otherwise I’ll have to split them.】

  

    【Yesterday, I dreamed of an island full of roses, floating all alone on the surface of the sea, and then came a little boat, and bang! hit it.】

 

    【It seems like I forgot to take my medication again. I’d always have this thought that someone would come and scold me, but there wasn’t.】

  

    【There’s a ring resting on my ring finger. So tight, it’s like a torture device. I can’t even take it off.】

 

 

    【I want chocolate cookies.】

  

    ……

 

The good-looking man came to see me everyday and brought me different flowers. He’d always said sorry to me, but I don’t understand why.

The last time he came, he said to Qi Shu expressionlessly, “It seems that I don’t have to wait for your wedding. You don’t have to inform me if there’s a funeral.” 

Visit readlightnovel.me for extra chapters.

Qi Shu looked at him in a daze and asked, “Am I wrong….

“I just want him to stay with me, am I wrong?

“In the future I-I’ll only want him, I won’t want anyone else. Is this not enough?”

  

    ……

 

The man’s expression finally showed a hint of crack, and his gaze became sad and sympathetic.

He said, “You’re not wrong, but you’re not always right. 

“Do you remember, you had a pomeranian when you were a kid? It was always playing in the garden so it got dirty, so you locked it in a cage for more than two months. It did not eat or drink and starved to death.

“Later, you had a cat, and because it accidentally scratched you, you had its nails all cut off. It couldn’t grasp the railing, fell down and broke its hind leg.

“What you didn’t understand when you were eight years old, you clearly still don’t understand at the age of 28.

“Qi Shu… You can’t even take care of a small animal, what makes you think you’re capable of taking care of a person?” 

After he left, Qi Shu stood at the door, as if he was afraid to enter.

    

 

 

Outside the window was a lush oleander with pink flowers all over the tree. I sat on the rocking chair on the balcony and counted how many flowers there were. 

One flower, two flowers, three flowers… so many, they’re countless.   

“Xiao Yu…” Qi Shu called me from behind.

I looked back and saw the shadows of the trees cast on him, bright and shadowy, just like our first summer.

But something’s different. 

I’ve been getting more tired and lazy lately. I’m not interested in anything, and even the pain turned dull.

I no longer lose my temper with him, no longer cry, and no longer refuse everything he gave me.

I knew full well that I was wilting, and he probably felt it, too.

He squatted down by my legs, took my hand and pressed it on his lips. 

“You’re not going to forgive me, are you?” He asked.

I didn’t reply. 

“If, if I…”    

He touched the scar on the corner of my forehead again. It took him a long time to say what he wanted to say. 

“Would you…. hate me less if I set you free?”

Freedom …… I now resembled a bird with broken wings standing on the edge of a cliff. What’s the meaning of freedom if I couldn’t even walk out of this courtyard with my two legs alone? 

I smiled at him and asked softly, “Are you afraid that I will die here and dirty your house?”

“You won’t die.” 

I didn’t understand why he is so obsessed with lying to himself. Even the doctor who came to the house shook his head at me, but he’s here thinking I wouldn’t die.

“I seem to have never said that I like you or that I love you.”

 

He tightly squeezed the ring on my hand with his thumb and forefinger, and little by little, he took it off.

“Maybe Wen Yan is right, I don’t know how to love someone.” 

The ring was so tight that my finger was red and sore.

Finally, the tiny ring passed the first joint and the silver shimmer disappeared into my hand with a flash, leaving only a circle of red ring marks.

He gripped the ring and looked up at me, his eyes red.

“I don’t… love you at all either.” 

“You’re too thin, dry and unattractive, and you are not an omega. Your body is as rigid as wood…. H-how can I love you…..”

“Don’t you ever be so stupid again.” He stood up. “Do you understand?”

I didn’t really understand, and he didn’t explain any further.

When he was about to retreat, I finally reacted and stopped him. “Qi Shu.” 

He screeched to a halt and slowly turned. “What’s wrong?”

The sky was turning dark. He stood in the shadows of my unlit room, his features indistinct. 

“…Nothing.” I shook my head.

ーーIt’s just that suddenly, you don’t seem to be shining anymore. 

It was like I went back to the days when I’d been tortured by the gland.    

Insomnia, heart palpitations, vomiting, and fainting frequently.  

Whenever my mind would wander, I’d have this thought where all these past few months were just a dream. There was no Wen Ziqing, no Zhou Chen, no Wen Yan; after I woke up, I’d go to school and find Xu Xingze for dinner, and then head home to wait for Qi Shu to get off work.

But in my dream, I’d often see a rose garden. Under the afternoon sunlight, one man would sit on the bench playing the cello, while the other with scissors fiddled with the roses in the garden. He was clearly doing the work of a gardener, yet he had the elegance of an artist.

 

 

I couldn’t see their faces, but I could feel that they were happy and at peace.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a different person.     

Sometimes I’d recognize him, sometimes I don’t. 

 

Whenever I’d recognize him, I’d beg him to let me go, and went crazy trying to get away. 

When I didn’t know him, I asked him if he knew a place called Sunset Lane, where there was a gentleman waiting for me, and if he could give me a ride back.

He asked me who the gentleman was. 

 

I ignorantly shook my head and said I couldn’t remember. 

He thrashed a lot of things in anger, then pointed to me how I couldn’t even remember the name yet I still wanted to go back. 

“What good thing do you think is he? He only fancied you because you are in my bed!” he hurled a stream of all kinds of abuse.

I felt inexplicably sad and said through my tears that it was not so. 

Panic-stricken, he came up to hug me and also wiped my tears. 

But as soon as he touched me, the cells all over my body began to ache.

Pain was also good. Pain would make me clear-headed for a moment. 

I said a lot of things to him, saying whatever came to mind, because I was afraid that if I didn’t say anything else, I wouldn’t even have the opportunity again. 

“Qi Shu,” I called his name, “I might be dying… They said that people will recall all the good things in their lives before they die, but I have thought about you for a long time, yet only two things have made me happy over these years.”

“…One is when I fell in love with you, the other is when I fell out of love with you.”

“Don’t tell him if I die, I don’t want him to have a hard time.”

“And don’t feel sad, you’re not supposed to be like this…” 

“……Actually, I-I am very easily satisfied. Watch fireworks with me in summer, build a snowman with me in winter, and I can be happy for a whole year…. But you never did.”

“You don’t love me, I don’t blame you, I’m just somewhat…..regretful.”

 

“About the child…… Please don’t blame me, I did all I could… If you want to, there will be many in the future. If I gave birth to someone like me, you won’t like it… “

  

    …………

 

I was too exhausted to talk, so I spoke in an unhurried manner.

He held me from start till end. I couldn’t see what he looked like, but I could feel his shoulders trembling.  

He seems to have lost weight.

P vlv j ugfja atlcu yfobgf P vlfv. P qeiifv atja qgbev jcv bnfgkffclcuis jggbujca Hl Vte ogbw atf abq bo atf wbecajlc ab atf qevvif bo wevv.

Coafg teuulcu obg j ibcu alwf, tf olcjiis mtbxfv eq jcv rjlv, “Po sbe rjs sbe vbc’a ibnf, atfc sbe vbc’a… Tbe’gf atf wbra geatifrr bcf.”

He delivered in such a tone, it was as if I had let him down. 

 

Someone came to see me during that time, a very good-looking and familiar person.

He and Qi Shu quarreled in the living room. I stood on the stairs as if watching a noiseless farce.

“IF THIS GOES ON, HE WILL DIE!! HE WILL DIE, DO YOU KNOW THAT!?” He shouted at Qi Shu, “HAVEN’T YOU TORMENTED HIM ENOUGH!” 

“HE’S NOT GONNA DIE!!!” Qi Shu roared back, yet his gaze was indistinct. “He’ll get better…”

“Stop lying to yourself…” The man tiredly sat down and buried his face in his palm. “You don’t love him, you just can’t accept that he doesn’t love you anymore.”

“No..”

“Love isn’t a cage, marriage isn’t a chain, you don’t have the slightest idea how to love someone at all.” 

“If I don’t understand, does that mean you do? What else do you know how to do except run away! You left the country because you’re afraid of your desire, afraid of being bound by instinct, so you cut off your glands. What you consider an act of defying and unrestrained freedom is nothing but cowardice!”

“Think what you will, I must take him away today.”

 

“Don’t you even dare!”

    

 ……

   

So noisy ah. I’m tired of listening.    

I wanted to go back to sleep. I just walked two steps when behind me came an anxious, “Xiao Xiao!” 

Is he calling me? I don’t know…

I ignored him as if it was the right thing and went back to my room.

A purple plush rabbit sat at the head of the bed. I don’t remember why it’s there, but I know it’s important. Only by holding it, can I sleep.

The rabbit had a faint scent of wine. It’s strange, I don’t drink, how could it have such a smell? 

What made me uneasy was that the scent, day by day, slowly faded away. I’m so afraid that it would disappear, but I could only watch. 

I started to write down the things that came to my mind in my notebook. If I don’t write it down, I’ll forget it at any time.

    【I want to scatter the ashes into the sea, but I want to bury them together with the plush rabbit, otherwise I’ll have to split them.】

  

    【Yesterday, I dreamed of an island full of roses, floating all alone on the surface of the sea, and then came a little boat, and bang! hit it.】

 

    【It seems like I forgot to take my medication again. I’d always have this thought that someone would come and scold me, but there wasn’t.】

  

    【There’s a ring resting on my ring finger. So tight, it’s like a torture device. I can’t even take it off.】

 

 

    【I want chocolate cookies.】

  

    ……

 

The good-looking man came to see me everyday and brought me different flowers. He’d always said sorry to me, but I don’t understand why.

The last time he came, he said to Qi Shu expressionlessly, “It seems that I don’t have to wait for your wedding. You don’t have to inform me if there’s a funeral.” 

Visit readlightnovel.me for extra chapters.

Qi Shu looked at him in a daze and asked, “Am I wrong….

“I just want him to stay with me, am I wrong?

“In the future I-I’ll only want him, I won’t want anyone else. Is this not enough?”

  

    ……

 

The man’s expression finally showed a hint of crack, and his gaze became sad and sympathetic.

He said, “You’re not wrong, but you’re not always right. 

“Do you remember, you had a pomeranian when you were a kid? It was always playing in the garden so it got dirty, so you locked it in a cage for more than two months. It did not eat or drink and starved to death.

“Later, you had a cat, and because it accidentally scratched you, you had its nails all cut off. It couldn’t grasp the railing, fell down and broke its hind leg.

“What you didn’t understand when you were eight years old, you clearly still don’t understand at the age of 28.

“Qi Shu… You can’t even take care of a small animal, what makes you think you’re capable of taking care of a person?” 

After he left, Qi Shu stood at the door, as if he was afraid to enter.

    

 

 

Outside the window was a lush oleander with pink flowers all over the tree. I sat on the rocking chair on the balcony and counted how many flowers there were. 

One flower, two flowers, three flowers… so many, they’re countless.   

“Xiao Yu…” Qi Shu called me from behind.

I looked back and saw the shadows of the trees cast on him, bright and shadowy, just like our first summer.

But something’s different. 

I’ve been getting more tired and lazy lately. I’m not interested in anything, and even the pain turned dull.

I no longer lose my temper with him, no longer cry, and no longer refuse everything he gave me.

I knew full well that I was wilting, and he probably felt it, too.

He squatted down by my legs, took my hand and pressed it on his lips. 

“You’re not going to forgive me, are you?” He asked.

I didn’t reply. 

“If, if I…”    

He touched the scar on the corner of my forehead again. It took him a long time to say what he wanted to say. 

“Would you…. hate me less if I set you free?”

Freedom …… I now resembled a bird with broken wings standing on the edge of a cliff. What’s the meaning of freedom if I couldn’t even walk out of this courtyard with my two legs alone? 

I smiled at him and asked softly, “Are you afraid that I will die here and dirty your house?”

“You won’t die.” 

I didn’t understand why he is so obsessed with lying to himself. Even the doctor who came to the house shook his head at me, but he’s here thinking I wouldn’t die.

“I seem to have never said that I like you or that I love you.”

 

He tightly squeezed the ring on my hand with his thumb and forefinger, and little by little, he took it off.

“Maybe Wen Yan is right, I don’t know how to love someone.” 

The ring was so tight that my finger was red and sore.

Finally, the tiny ring passed the first joint and the silver shimmer disappeared into my hand with a flash, leaving only a circle of red ring marks.

He gripped the ring and looked up at me, his eyes red.

“I don’t… love you at all either.” 

“You’re too thin, dry and unattractive, and you are not an omega. Your body is as rigid as wood…. H-how can I love you…..”

“Don’t you ever be so stupid again.” He stood up. “Do you understand?”

I didn’t really understand, and he didn’t explain any further.

When he was about to retreat, I finally reacted and stopped him. “Qi Shu.” 

He screeched to a halt and slowly turned. “What’s wrong?”

The sky was turning dark. He stood in the shadows of my unlit room, his features indistinct. 

“…Nothing.” I shook my head.

ーーIt’s just that suddenly, you don’t seem to be shining anymore.