Before My Withering

Today was a special day, so I was allowed to drink half a glass of wine at lunch.

But my drinking capacity was so bad that I was struck dizzy. In order to avoid making a fool of myself again, I conscientiously went back to my room to sleep after dinner. 

I vaguely remember that before I went back, I leaned on the back of Zhou Chen’s neck and sniffed for a long time, and said, ”This wine isn’t as sweet as you.”……

Sure enough, it was impossible not to do something embarrassing after getting drunk.

AD

When I awoke, it was already dusk, and the excitement in the house had subsided. Zhou Chen read calmly as the sun sank behind him.

In the entire room, just one floor lamp was switched on. I opened my eyes dazedly and saw the light hitting his face, casting a little, lovely shadow. 

I couldn’t stand ruining the image, so I sat up in bed after staring at it for a long time.

“Awake?” he asked, putting down his book and offering me a drink of warm lemonade. “Drink some water, are you feeling better?”

“Dizzy.” I answered truthfully.

He sighed. “I had no idea you were such a bad drinker.”

I blushed and said that it was because I hadn’t had a drink in a long time.

When I saw that he didn’t believe me, I said, “It’s true. Qi Shu won’t take me out to dinner parties with him.”

“I know, I didn’t mean that,” he added, taking my cup of water, “I simply thought young people could be more interested in some light entertainment and carnal pleasures.”

“You speak as though you’re not young anymore.” 

“I used to think I was just the perfect age, but now, every now and again, a little bit,” he reflected, “Hmm… age anxiety.”

The words ”anxiety” came out of Zhou Chen’s mouth with a sense of unreality. No matter how I looked at it, he didn’t look like the kind of person who would be anxious.

I wanted to ask why, but I was afraid he wouldn’t say anything or that he didn’t know, so I held back.

I looked up and noticed the last sunset that was beginning to fade away outside the window. Unconsciously, I sighed. “It’s so beautiful, ah.” 

“Yes, it is very beautiful,” said Zhou Chen as he followed my gaze out the window.

Together, we caught the last few seconds of twilight, on the first day I turned 23.

Then night fell. A curved moon rose from the horizon, and the room was swallowed by the darkness.

When the first fireworks exploded in the sky, I thought this was another surprise prepared by Zhou Chen. 

But I heard the phone ring at the same time, and Qi Shu’s number appeared on the screen.

I hesitated, then got up, went to the window and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

There was no quick response, and all that was transmitted was the sound of erratic breathing, as if he didn’t believe the phone would be connected. 

I eventually heard Qi Shu’s voice. “Xiao Yu… Happy birthday. ”

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I wasn’t some sort of exhibitionist, and I felt scared doing it there, but he didn’t care how I felt at all; he just acted out and vented to me. 

In the dark, the alcohol’s effect was infinitely amplified. When I thought of the past, it’d be a lie to say that I felt indifferent.

But between us, there was only this less glorious past.

“Thank you,” I answered.

Fireworks bloomed one by one, decorating the night sky with colorful lights. 

“You said you’d be glad to watch fireworks together in the summer and build snowmen together in the winter,” Qi Shu stated quietly. “I used to dislike these pointless antics, but now that I think about it, it’d be fun to perform them with you.”

“Let’s start with these fireworks; I’d like to give it a shot. Do you believe we can still pull it off?”

Qi Shu’s nature was well known to me, and for him to say such a thing was tantamount to a confession.

“One summer, one firework is enough. ” 

Looking at the gorgeous scenery in front of me, I remembered the day I spent in the amusement park with Zhou Chen.

“I’ve already seen it this year.”

“Seen it…” His voice lowered, “It’s okay, I…”

I didn’t hear the rest after “I” because the phone was taken away. 

A shadow stood in front of me. When I raised my head, I saw Zhou Chen’s dark and uncertain gaze.

“Sir…”

The next second, two warm lips blocked all my words.

Boom. A white light flashed across my brain. 

Zhou Chen… He…he kissed me..?

Am I too drunk? Why am I so dizzy…?

And why am I smelling alcohol again…

He gripped me by the waist, pushed me close to him, and kissed me deeply, as if he wasn’t content that I was distracted. 

My teeth were being pried open, and the tip of my tongue was fighting him. Every nook and cranny of my mouth was teased. My lips were thoroughly bitten after licking it.

My thoughts went blank, and my ears rang.

The oxygen around me was quickly exhausted, and I lost the right to breathe, so I could only let him plunder.

“Mm..” 

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I heard an incredibly vague gasp in the middle of the turmoil. After a time, I became aware that it was my own voice. My entire body caught fire.

Zhou Chen finally released go of me when I was almost choking.

I had no idea when my arm had crept onto his shoulder. My entire body was mushy, so I leaned on him, my lips gaping and I was breathing heavily.

Such a lingering kiss was like telling his love. 

How could I not understand?

But I dare not respond.

Words like purity and beauty couldn’t be applied to me, and I wouldn’t dare to sully Zhou Shen.

Even a kiss could move me. I wasn’t the pure little rose he desired. 

I was even concerned that he might see me right now.

Just as I tried to push him away, I heard him say “sorry”.

“I’ll be sorry tonight if I don’t do anything,” he said in my ear. “Please accept my apologies.”

So I placed my chest on his without moving, and the movement of pushing it away turned into a desire to resist. 

The phone was switched off and discarded. Zhou Chen’s breath went from my ears to my lips, then back again.

This time the kiss was more gentle, the plunder turned pacifying, and the usurpation into comfort.

I couldn’t see his face clearly in the dimness, but I could feel his scorching gaze.

At the end of the second kiss, a warm liquid overflowed from the corner of my eye, crossed my jaw and fell into his shirt. 

He kissed my eyes again and asked me why I was crying.

But how could I tell him of my uneasiness and fear, my inferiority and cowardice.

I wanted to ask him why you didn’t come earlier, why you didn’t come when I was still clean.

I’m dirty now. How dare I touch you. 

He panicked, thought he had bullied me and apologized to me over and over again.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t feel jealous.

“I was afraid you’d be moved and come back to him.

“I was wrong. 

“I lost my mind. I couldn’t help it.”

Listening to his voice, I felt even more distressed.

It was me who was obviously wrong.

But I couldn’t speak. 

He hugged me tightly, as if he was afraid that I would run away, which made my bones ache.

Only when I let out a moan of pain did he loosen his grip a little and say, “Don’t leave me.”

“Zhou Chen..” I heard my voice fluttering lightly, probably exhausted from crying. “No one likes an old toy.”

“It’s not like.” He shook his head. “It’s love.” 

Love…

This word was so heavy that I couldn’t breathe.

Like was a short-lived firework, and love was the everlasting night sky.

I never dared to expect that someone would give me the rest of the night of their life. 

“These days, I’ve been thinking about how to say that I love you so that I can convince you that love has nothing to do with sympathy or possession.”

The fireworks outside the window finally stopped, and Zhou Chen’s voice became the only existence in the silence.

“It may not make sense to you, but I love you.”