Before My Withering

I still pushed him away.

I have never been loved. I was terrified. 

You didn’t need to think about it to realize how mortified I felt right now. I remained there in a trance, tears flowing down my cheeks like a broken faucet.

How could he fall in love with…someone like me?

There were innumerable vibrant and lovely things in the world worth loving, but I wasn’t one of them.

“I’m sorry.” I said. 

I’m sorry I’m too dirty.

For a brief while, he was taken aback and smiled faintly, almost self-deprecatingly. “Sure enough, is it still the same…”

The room was filled with the aroma of alcohol, so I created an explanation for him. He must be intoxicated today, since drunk people always utter gibberish.

“G-Go back and rest early…I’m exhausted…”

He gazed at me for a long time before saying, “Okay. ”

I couldn’t bear the thought of not sleeping. Before going to bed, I took melatonin.

Insomnia was harmful to the heart. Zhou Chen would be worried.

I was preparing to get up the next morning when he walked in. I laid back and pretended I was still asleep when I heard the noise. 

He could definitely tell I was faking sleep, but he didn’t say anything. “There is an issue with a laboratory in ’Cologne’,” he remarked as he sat beside my bed and stroked my hair. “I’m leaving for a business trip. I might not be able to return any time soon.”

Such a last-minute business trip….

“You must take your medication on time at home. Take the driver if you want to go out, and don’t stay up too late. “He still informed me as calmly as always, as if nothing had happened the day before.

My eyes began to shake, and just as I was ready to give up, he leaned over, kissed my forehead, and murmured, “I’m leaving.” 

I sprang out of bed as soon as the door shut and rushed to the window to look down.

After a time, I noticed Zhou Chen emerge from the home. When he was about to proceed to the gate, he abruptly stopped and turned his head to gaze in the direction of my room, as if he had sensed something.

I hastily shut the blinds and hid against my back. He was already gone when I got out again.

I wasn’t sure if I’d been discovered. 

Business trips were good. I didn’t know how to face him at all, and I guess he was the same way.

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…Forget it, I was an even bigger coward.

I retrieved the letter box from beneath the bed since I had nothing better to do. I was in such a rush that I neglected to thoroughly tidy it.

None of the more than 100 letters were very lengthy, but the visual impact of them all together was powerful. I had nothing better to do, so I disassembled them and sat down to read them leisurely, as if they were a collection of essays.

Xiao Fei’s penmanship was lovely, gorgeous, and exquisite, and it exuded aura. 

His message to me had the tone of a casual dialogue between friends rather than a father to a child.

He was only in his twenties when he wrote this letter, roughly the same age as myself. He probably didn’t realize he was a dad, and he saw the future me as a tree hole into which he could pour out his feelings.

I was more than satisfied after reading all of the letters in one morning, and I wanted to go to the study to find a few more books to read.

Zhou Chen possessed an overwhelming number of books. It took me a long time to come upon two writings. According to the publishing dates, they were all published more than 10 years ago. 

That means it may have been something he read in high school or college.

——All of a sudden, there was a beautiful sentiment, as if I had crossed time and space to meet Zhou Chen as a student.

I didn’t return the book, but instead sat in his chair and read it. When I first read the title page, I saw a random signature in the lower right corner–[Zhou Chen].

I couldn’t stop smiling. It turned out that when he was in school, he would also write his name in extracurricular books. 

His writing was far more vibrant back then than it is now– wait, this writing… looked a little familiar…

I’ve seen it somewhere, and I recently saw it.

In a stroke of inspiration, I remembered something. I grabbed the book and dashed back to my room, flipping through all the letters I’d stashed.

——The letter was written in Xiao Fei’s handwriting, the same as his suicide note. 

But I was certain I had read these two words in Zhou Chen’s book.

It took me more than an hour to find all the characters and ’Chen’ in the letter.

【….Recently, I’ve been feeling strangely unhappy, and I can’t laugh even if I watch comedies.】

【Went to a concert over the weekend. Herman Evans was really great.】 

【... I wonder if you’ll ever meet someone you can fall in love with…】

【…Writing here first, I went to see Zhou Gong.】

【The distant night is heavy.】

I was even more certain they were from the same individual after closely comparing the signature on the book to the words in the letter. 

Visit wuxiahub.com for extra chapters.

In order to verify, I also found a few characters of [机] [几] [凭]. The manner of writing horizontal folding hooks differs from that of [Chen].

Now I was completely dumbfounded.

Why did Xiao Fei’s handwriting appear in Zhou Chen’s book?

Did he write Zhou Chen’s name? 

No, I must think more thoroughly. Even if they knew each other, even if Zhou Chen’s signature was written by Xiao Fei, how could you explain that the character [几] in Xiao Fei’s [沉] was different from the [几]?

Furthermore, this was a book that was released more than 10 years ago. Xiao Fei was already a handful of ashes at that time.

I became very disoriented and even felt chilly in my back.

Mr. Butler came in halfway through to ask if I wanted to eat, but I declined on the pretext that I was unwell, and I shut the door out of guilt. 

This matter was really beyond my understanding.

Do they both know each other? No, they shouldn’t. If they knew each other, Zhou Chen would not hide it from me.

Was it only a coincidence? Could it be possible that two individuals in the world write the very same word exactly the same?

This was even stranger. 

I attempted to think beyond the box, ruled out a thousand possibilities, and ultimately settled on one–

Zhou Chen, who mimicked Xiao Fei’s handwriting, wrote Xiao Fei’s letter. Zhou Shen, no matter how much he imitated, nevertheless utilized his usual writing manner when he encountered his own name out of habit.

In order to confirm this hypothesis, I went to the cabinet in the study and dug out a copy of Zhou Chen’s classroom notes. I found all the characters with【几】 in them. The horizontal folding hook writing method was the same as the ’Chen’ in Xiao Fei’s letter.

Instead, I calmed down this time. 

I remember reading a passage in a detective fiction.

“Eliminate all other factors, and the one which remains must be the truth.”

——When you rule out all possibilities, the remaining one, no matter how impossible it is, is the truth.

So the truth was that the 112 letters I received when I was twelve years old were written by Zhou Chen. 

Why would he do this? How could he know me, or Xiao Fei?

Countless questions lingered in my mind. I couldn’t fathom anything else but the fact that Zhou Chen would not hurt me, that I could confirm.

A full day passed by unconsciously. I guess I’d always sit like this if it weren’t for the phone ringing jolting me back to reality.

“Hello? Xiao Yu.” A familiar voice came from the phone.“I landed. Uncle He said that you are not feeling well and can’t eat. What’s the matter?” 

“I…I ate too much yesterday, and I’m not hungry…”

I had a stomach of questions to Zhou Chen, but when I heard his voice, I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

In case there is something hidden that can’t be said, would my rash disclosure complicate matters between us…

No, I have to think about it again. 

He didn’t appear to believe it and said, “Really?”

“Really,” I said hastily, “I’m still hungover this morning, so I don’t have much of an appetite… I’m doing lot better now. I’ll have a nice meal…”

“That’s great… If you’re not feeling well, I’ll return as soon as I’m not too busy…”

When I heard what he said, I panicked and said, “No need! If you’re busy, do your thing; I can take care of myself.” 

Zhou Chen may have misunderstood that I didn’t want to see him, since he remained silent for a few seconds before saying, “Okay.”

But I didn’t know how to explain it further, so I just said, “Concentrate on your job, I’ll go grab supper. Goodbye.”

He sighed softly. “Goodbye. ”