Before My Withering

The next afternoon, I picked a time when Qi Shu couldn’t be at home and went back to move my instrument and luggage back to my own house.

Then I fled back to school and hid from Qi Shu for a week.

On the seventh day, I found that it was a kind of torture to myself.

According to physical health class, an omega would be particularly dependent on its alpha during pregnancy.

Especially those with unstable health conditions like me needed the comfort of their alpha.

I had never longed so much for Qi Shu’s pheromones, for his hugs and kisses, and even for the pain he’d make me feel.

I became extremely sensitive. As soon as I got close to another unfamiliar alpha, I would experience headache and nausea all day.

Xu Xingze noticed that something was wrong with me and wanted to drag me to the hospital everyday. I had no choice but to tell him about my pregnancy.

He was extremely angry. For the first time he had known me for a long time,  he snapped and said in a loud voice that I was sick in the head.

 “I think you just lived too comfortably that you have to find yourself a sin!” He was so angry that he pointed at me and said, “Do you know how deep the water is in the Qi family? Do you think they’d allow a beta to give birth to Qi Shu’s child?”    

“So you don’t tell anyone.” I wasn’t afraid of Xu Xingze. I know he’s soft hearted. “Please, Ah Xing.” 

“…..” 

Xu Xingze really still couldn’t say heavier words. He sulked by himself for half a day and then said, “I’m too lazy to care about you.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.” 

As a result, I suddenly had a high fever in the middle of the night and became delirious. I still couldn’t escape being sent to the hospital by Xu Xingze.

I couldn’t remember the process very clearly. Vaguely, it seemed as if I heard him fight with someone on the phone.

When I woke up in the ward the next day, the first person I unexpectedly saw was Dr. Zhou. 

He was still dressed in a suit and a white coat, and was sitting on the chair beside the bed flipping through the newspaper.

“You’re awake.” Dr. Zhou put down the newspaper and pushed his glasses. “I arrived at the hospital this morning just in time to see Ah Xing go through formalities at the front desk and realized it was you who was sick.”

I had a severe headache, and my limbs were sore and powerless, as if I had been beaten in my dream. I felt uncomfortable all over.

Combined with a sluggish brain, it took me a long time to react to such a simple phrase. 

 “….You know Xu Xingze?” I asked.

“My mother and Mrs. Xu are close friends.” Dr. Zhou said.

Oh… The social sircle of high society wasn’t big so it wasn’t surprising that they know each other. 

Dr. Zhou poured me a glass of water, then leaned over and probed my forehead and said, “It’s fine, the fever is gone.”

His fingers were a bit cool. His touch made me feel a bit of resistance and discomfort, which made me react to the fact that he was also an alpha. 

“You look worse than when we last met. What’s the matter?” He asked.

I didn’t want to always be seen in this bad light, but unfortunately, I probably wouldn’t get better. 

“Are you doctors all so straightforward…” I tried to change the subject. 

“Euphemism isn’t necessarily a good thing,” Dr. Zhou smiled. 

Well, that’s for sure. I already knew my days were numbered, and white lies were not much consolation. 

“So you’re still not going to tell the child’s father?” Doctor Zhou asked flatly. 

“I can’t tell him…”

“Eh…” Doctor Zhou nodded as if absorbed in thought and said, “But you won’t last until the baby is full term. This fever is just the beginning. Over the next few months, you will have frequent low fevers that don’t go away, insomnia, difficulty breathing, and in the end, you would have to depend on oxygen tubes to keep you alive.”

I was forced to accept the bad news that I was about to die once again. I felt a slight choking sensation on my chest.

“Aren’t you a psychologist…”

“I have a PhD in both psychology and clinical medicine.”

I was speechless. 

When I met a doctor who managed both my heart and body, I felt like I had been seen from the inside out and held no secrets. 

I could only speak honestly, “But I want to give it a try.”

“If your desire to live had been stronger, perhaps I would have encouraged you to give it a try.” Dr. Zhou’s gaze seemed probing, “But you don’t even want to live yourself, why do you still have to keep this child?”

Do I not want to live? How could I not want to live?

The world was good, the moon was gentle, the stars were bewitching. Why would I not want to live?

Inexplicable rebelliousness suddenly popped up and I said, “It’s not what you think.” 

Dr. Zhou gave a soft hum with an upward trailing end tone.

I looked at him. I didn’t know whether I was too burnt out due to fever, but I actually felt that his eyebrows seemed familiar.

“Psychologists don’t always know everything.” 

“Sorry.” He apologized politely, “I shouldn’t have speculated arbitrarily.”

He was so polite that I felt too embarrassed to criticize.

I guess he’s probably guilty of an occupational disease. He couldn’t help but want to study people who were mentally unstable and had bags of brains whenever he saw them.

And I’m this level of stupid x, I should also be considered as some kind of excellent sample. 

I pulled up the quilt to cover half of my face as a silent gesture that I was chasing away the guest.

Dr. Zhou seemed to laugh a little. He took off his glasses, folded them up and put them in his breast pocket, moving extraordinarily slowly and methodically. 

I used my peripheral vision to look at him quietly, and found that the doctor without spectacles seemed all even more familiar. 

“Doctor, have we met somewhere before?” I asked a question that was particularly like a pick-up line. 

“Of course.” His lips curled up, “At the hospital two weeks ago.”

“…..” 

I’m a bit annoyed. I feel like he’s laughing at me. 

“I’ve been abroad all these years, and I’ve come back here only a few times. I don’t remember meeting you.” He added.

Okay, I’m sure I’m burnt out.

Xu Xingze came back and greeted Dr. Zhou first when he entered the door. “Brother Chen, thanks.”

And then he caught sight of me, “What’s up, feeling better?”

I answered truthfully, “Dizzy.” 

Xu Xingze didn’t have a good temper and said, “With a fever of 39 degrees, how can you not get dizzy.” 

I knew I was in the wrong and didn’t dare to talk back. 

 “Since you’re back, I’ll go first.” Dr. Zhou said. 

“Ah, okay.” Xu Xingze sent Dr. Zhou to the door and said, “Thank you,” only then I realized that he had asked Dr. Zhou to look after me. 

….I apologize for my rebellion and rudeness.

Xu Xingze came back to see me stupefied and said, “Don’t wait. Qi Shu won’t come.”

Huh? Did he misunderstand something? Of course I know that Qi Shu won’t come.

“I called him on your cell phone last night… Forget it, you shouldn’t expect a scum to have a conscience.”

Xu Xingze only narrated half of it, but I could guess the end result.

Qi Shu must’ve made cutting remarks, saying that I pretended to be ill and played tricks. I had the ability to run away from home, but I didn’t have the ability to survive without help. 

For this reason, Xu Xingze was so angry that he did not shy away from callIng Qi Shu scum in front of me.

I’m afraid that a young man with strict family education like him would never understand the relationship between Qi Shu and me.

“My fever is gone. Can I be discharged?” I asked.

 “What’s the hurry? The doctor said you need to rest.”

“But…”

I still wanted to explain it to Qi Shu. After all, I had agreed not to disturb him with my private affairs. He’s so tired working during the day, and then received a phone call about me at night.

….Forget it. No more excuses, I just want to see him.   

I comforted myself that even if I decide to leave, it would take a long process. One week this time, one month next time, then three months….

One day, I will get used to being without him.

The next afternoon, I picked a time when Qi Shu couldn’t be at home and went back to move my instrument and luggage back to my own house.

Then I fled back to school and hid from Qi Shu for a week.

On the seventh day, I found that it was a kind of torture to myself.

According to physical health class, an omega would be particularly dependent on its alpha during pregnancy.

Especially those with unstable health conditions like me needed the comfort of their alpha.

I had never longed so much for Qi Shu’s pheromones, for his hugs and kisses, and even for the pain he’d make me feel.

I became extremely sensitive. As soon as I got close to another unfamiliar alpha, I would experience headache and nausea all day.

Xu Xingze noticed that something was wrong with me and wanted to drag me to the hospital everyday. I had no choice but to tell him about my pregnancy.

He was extremely angry. For the first time he had known me for a long time,  he snapped and said in a loud voice that I was sick in the head.

 “I think you just lived too comfortably that you have to find yourself a sin!” He was so angry that he pointed at me and said, “Do you know how deep the water is in the Qi family? Do you think they’d allow a beta to give birth to Qi Shu’s child?”    

“So you don’t tell anyone.” I wasn’t afraid of Xu Xingze. I know he’s soft hearted. “Please, Ah Xing.” 

“…..” 

Xu Xingze really still couldn’t say heavier words. He sulked by himself for half a day and then said, “I’m too lazy to care about you.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.” 

As a result, I suddenly had a high fever in the middle of the night and became delirious. I still couldn’t escape being sent to the hospital by Xu Xingze.

I couldn’t remember the process very clearly. Vaguely, it seemed as if I heard him fight with someone on the phone.

When I woke up in the ward the next day, the first person I unexpectedly saw was Dr. Zhou. 

He was still dressed in a suit and a white coat, and was sitting on the chair beside the bed flipping through the newspaper.

“You’re awake.” Dr. Zhou put down the newspaper and pushed his glasses. “I arrived at the hospital this morning just in time to see Ah Xing go through formalities at the front desk and realized it was you who was sick.”

I had a severe headache, and my limbs were sore and powerless, as if I had been beaten in my dream. I felt uncomfortable all over.

Combined with a sluggish brain, it took me a long time to react to such a simple phrase. 

 “….You know Xu Xingze?” I asked.

“My mother and Mrs. Xu are close friends.” Dr. Zhou said.

Oh… The social sircle of high society wasn’t big so it wasn’t surprising that they know each other. 

Dr. Zhou poured me a glass of water, then leaned over and probed my forehead and said, “It’s fine, the fever is gone.”

His fingers were a bit cool. His touch made me feel a bit of resistance and discomfort, which made me react to the fact that he was also an alpha. 

“You look worse than when we last met. What’s the matter?” He asked.

I didn’t want to always be seen in this bad light, but unfortunately, I probably wouldn’t get better. 

“Are you doctors all so straightforward…” I tried to change the subject. 

“Euphemism isn’t necessarily a good thing,” Dr. Zhou smiled. 

Well, that’s for sure. I already knew my days were numbered, and white lies were not much consolation. 

“So you’re still not going to tell the child’s father?” Doctor Zhou asked flatly. 

“I can’t tell him…”

“Eh…” Doctor Zhou nodded as if absorbed in thought and said, “But you won’t last until the baby is full term. This fever is just the beginning. Over the next few months, you will have frequent low fevers that don’t go away, insomnia, difficulty breathing, and in the end, you would have to depend on oxygen tubes to keep you alive.”

I was forced to accept the bad news that I was about to die once again. I felt a slight choking sensation on my chest.

“Aren’t you a psychologist…”

“I have a PhD in both psychology and clinical medicine.”

I was speechless. 

When I met a doctor who managed both my heart and body, I felt like I had been seen from the inside out and held no secrets. 

I could only speak honestly, “But I want to give it a try.”

“If your desire to live had been stronger, perhaps I would have encouraged you to give it a try.” Dr. Zhou’s gaze seemed probing, “But you don’t even want to live yourself, why do you still have to keep this child?”

Do I not want to live? How could I not want to live?

The world was good, the moon was gentle, the stars were bewitching. Why would I not want to live?

Inexplicable rebelliousness suddenly popped up and I said, “It’s not what you think.” 

Dr. Zhou gave a soft hum with an upward trailing end tone.

I looked at him. I didn’t know whether I was too burnt out due to fever, but I actually felt that his eyebrows seemed familiar.

“Psychologists don’t always know everything.” 

“Sorry.” He apologized politely, “I shouldn’t have speculated arbitrarily.”

He was so polite that I felt too embarrassed to criticize.

I guess he’s probably guilty of an occupational disease. He couldn’t help but want to study people who were mentally unstable and had bags of brains whenever he saw them.

And I’m this level of stupid x, I should also be considered as some kind of excellent sample. 

I pulled up the quilt to cover half of my face as a silent gesture that I was chasing away the guest.

Dr. Zhou seemed to laugh a little. He took off his glasses, folded them up and put them in his breast pocket, moving extraordinarily slowly and methodically. 

I used my peripheral vision to look at him quietly, and found that the doctor without spectacles seemed all even more familiar. 

“Doctor, have we met somewhere before?” I asked a question that was particularly like a pick-up line. 

“Of course.” His lips curled up, “At the hospital two weeks ago.”

“…..” 

I’m a bit annoyed. I feel like he’s laughing at me. 

“I’ve been abroad all these years, and I’ve come back here only a few times. I don’t remember meeting you.” He added.

Okay, I’m sure I’m burnt out.

Xu Xingze came back and greeted Dr. Zhou first when he entered the door. “Brother Chen, thanks.”

And then he caught sight of me, “What’s up, feeling better?”

I answered truthfully, “Dizzy.” 

Xu Xingze didn’t have a good temper and said, “With a fever of 39 degrees, how can you not get dizzy.” 

I knew I was in the wrong and didn’t dare to talk back. 

 “Since you’re back, I’ll go first.” Dr. Zhou said. 

“Ah, okay.” Xu Xingze sent Dr. Zhou to the door and said, “Thank you,” only then I realized that he had asked Dr. Zhou to look after me. 

….I apologize for my rebellion and rudeness.

Xu Xingze came back to see me stupefied and said, “Don’t wait. Qi Shu won’t come.”

Huh? Did he misunderstand something? Of course I know that Qi Shu won’t come.

“I called him on your cell phone last night… Forget it, you shouldn’t expect a scum to have a conscience.”

Xu Xingze only narrated half of it, but I could guess the end result.

Qi Shu must’ve made cutting remarks, saying that I pretended to be ill and played tricks. I had the ability to run away from home, but I didn’t have the ability to survive without help. 

For this reason, Xu Xingze was so angry that he did not shy away from callIng Qi Shu scum in front of me.

I’m afraid that a young man with strict family education like him would never understand the relationship between Qi Shu and me.

“My fever is gone. Can I be discharged?” I asked.

 “What’s the hurry? The doctor said you need to rest.”

“But…”

I still wanted to explain it to Qi Shu. After all, I had agreed not to disturb him with my private affairs. He’s so tired working during the day, and then received a phone call about me at night.

….Forget it. No more excuses, I just want to see him.   

I comforted myself that even if I decide to leave, it would take a long process. One week this time, one month next time, then three months….

One day, I will get used to being without him.