Crocodile Tears

"YouShi, it's getting late now," he looked at me suggestively, casually crossing his arms as if expecting something. All of his seriousness vanished in less than seconds.

But none of that mattered. I froze. He used my name. Though I have been called it my entire life, the word now sounded so distant.

Since coming to Sui, it had been so long since I was called by that. I was always the Princess of Liang, Prince Consort of Jin, A'Xiao, and at best, new sister-in-law. But never was I YouShi.

The titles were constant reminders of the worth of my identity or rather the worthlessness of it. To others, it only mattered that I was half of the alliance. Yet he said it so easily, reminding me that my life was not always so. Just a bit over a month ago, I was a simple peasant girl who dreamed of opening a clinic.

"I thought I was your beloved consort." A bittersweet smile tugged on the corners of my lips. "You know my name?" My voice came out as almost a whisper.

"A Buddhist reference meaning freedom from all sorrows and confinements, is that not so?" He picked up the pitcher of wine and tilted it so that it reflected the candlelight. "Well, judging from how you turned out, I suppose there might be a sizeable margin of error in my reports."

Hearing him say the origins of my name, the irony of it all struck again. Freedom from all sorrows and confinements. Instead, I was trapped in the imperial court for the rest of my life, destined never to meet a happy end.

"I told you that I would treat you well, and I fully intend to keep to my words." He played with the vessel, pouring himself a cup but reflexively scrunching up his nose when he brought it close to him. "Of course, that is assuming that you play your part," he added.

My part… This was just all a necessity of the role I had to play; I reminded myself over and over again. I was expected to do my wifely duties, whether I had feelings for him or not. If not him, it would have been someone else… someone like Brother Liu. I paced over to him emotionlessly, slowly undoing my belt as I did so.

"What are you doing?" A look of temporary shock flashed across his face, and his already-deep voice grew hoarser.

Responding near mechanically, I tried to at least plaster on a smile. "Doing my part as a wife." But the smile kept on collapsing, refusing to cooperate and go against my actual thoughts. I could do this. I was sent here for this. But the idea of bedding a man I had no emotions for still stung as the childhood fantasy of "till white hair" echoed on.

"You do realize I'm the one who should be taking off your robe, right?" He motioned lazily to his body. "Per ritual, you're supposed to be undressing me."

No, I had to. I clenched my teeth, bracing myself for the worst as I reached for him. My fingers shook uncontrollably, fighting to stay away from this man I barely knew. When they grazed across the crimson silk, they retracted a bit, yet I willed them to go forward a bit more.

I took a deep breath. It was better to get it done over with quickly. This wasn't me. This was the Princess of Liang.

The wedding gowns were ritualistic, more complicated than I had imagined them to be. Staring at the mess of scarlet before me, I didn't quite know where to even begin. Belts and fabric seemed to intertwine into one.

He must have seen my confusion because he guided my hand to a knot in particular.

Pulling at the knot, it readily came undone. Layer by layer, I peeled away the complicated wedding gown from his body, gently setting them aside on the before-prepared clothes rack. He simply closed his eyes with a smirk, acting as if he enjoyed the process.

Pervert. My wordless curses cast a shadow over his surface-level appearance. He must have been one of those who played as the perfect child in front of others but secretly was no more than a useless and spoiled degenerate.

Perhaps my words were too harsh, but at that moment, those were the swears that filled my mind. There was but one layer more, and the form of his body grew increasingly visible. I too closed my eyes.

Reaching for the thin fabric…

"You may stop." He took my hand in his and set it against my side.

Instead, he began pulling at my gown. I must admit that he was much better than me at the skill of unrobing. My previous concerns about the complicated nature of the dress giving him trouble were utterly unnecessary as his slender fingers brought an article with them away each time.

The night air grew colder, and goosebumps lined my skin. No, it wasn't because of the night. I looked down to see only one layer remaining. He had even removed the golden crown from my hair and partially undone my hairdo. In the time that it took me to undress him, he could have surely disrobed more than five women.

He must have been extremely well-practiced. How many girls had he done this to in the past? So much for being his only one. The thought stung a bit, hitting more on my pride than my heart.

My body told me to blush, but my emotions and disgust for my new husband clouded all of my potential embarrassment.

"YouShi, do you love me?" His motions stopped, and he suddenly asked out of the blue.

I hesitated, wondering whether I should tell him the truth or not. He saw right through me.

"The truth."

Biting my lips, I shook my head no, half-expecting for chastis.e.m.e.nt.

In response, he nodded emotionlessly, walking away and taking a pair of scissors from the tabletop. Step by step, he neared me.

Was this how I would meet my end? He was prone to hiding, but who would have thought he was the type to murder his bride on his wedding night?

In one fluid motion, he cut off a strand of my hair and then a piece of his. Tying them together with a bit of red string, he handed them to me.

In the heat of the moment, I had forgotten the most basic ritual. To tie the hair of the groom and bride together was the last step of the marriage ritual, signifying a joint union.

"YouShi, till white hair we shall not part." He picked me up and carried me to the wide bed, gently setting me down. The bed was cushiony, more comfortable than any I ever been on. I sealed my eyes shut and braced myself, knowing what horror was to come.

The shadow loomed closer and closer, and a tingling sensation arose from his physical intimacy.

"We have a whole lifetime before us, so what is a single moment? I can wait until you willingly want to…"

Inside of the predicted storm, only a soft kiss landed on my forehead.