Crocodile Tears

"Wake up!" Someone nudged my arm.

"Five more minutes…" I mumbled as a sense of drowsiness overtook me.

Grabbing at the nearest thing I could find, I buried my face into a pillow. The coolness of the pillow's jade beads made for… Wait a second, jade beads?

I slowly eased my eyes open and took in my surroundings. Instead of the adobe plaster that I was used to waking up to, on top of me was an intricately-carved wooden ceiling.

Pinching myself, only then did I realize that the blur of scenes that flashed before my eyes were not all a dream.

"Princess, hurry now! All of the officials are assembling by the palace door! You must be ready to head off!"

My head was still throbbing, and I heard only half of what the maid was saying. Alcohol was indeed the elixir of temporary forgetfulness followed with doubled pain. If only I could escape forever.

I propped myself up straight and reached for the warm towel set on the golden tray before me. But I soon stopped myself, remembering Princess MingZhu's "kind" advice on how to not lose face as a princess. "Help me prepare." Hearing the coldness of the command, I paused before adding, "Please."

For the next hour, maids rushed in and out, dressing me and cleansing me. At first, I flinched at their every touch, unused to the feeling, but soon it all numbed.

The whole time, my gaze was fixated on the bronze mirror before me. Or to be exact, my eyes were drawn to the distant stranger in the reflection. Not only was her usually simple hairstyle framed by countless jewels, she also wore an eerily-calm expression I had never seen before. The maids tied the final knot on her gown, and she looked every bit like a princess.

Silently bidding farewell to my past self, I closed my eyes and embraced my new identity.

A harsh knock on the door dragged me back to the present. But before I could say to come in, the door already opened with a creak. Looking in the mirror, I could see that it was the court servant who delivered the message that night, the same who seemed like he despised me.

"I thought you passed out for good," he sneered, walking towards me. "Don't keep Empress waiting. Every second means a lasting moment for her." Contrasting with the glares of hatred he casted towards me, interestingly enough, his voice softened at the mention of my mother.

If before, I would have rushed out, but today, I took small dainty steps as the weight of the dress dragged me down. Or rather, the significance behind the bejeweled costume reminded me that I was no longer an individual but a delegate for an entire kingdom.

My mother was standing by the door, her eyes red and puffy as she handed me a misshaped red bean pastry. For a moment, I held it in my palms, treasuring it as if it was worth the whole world. Gingerly, I took a small bite into it, one hand cupped under to catch any crumbs.

"Delicious," I said after swallowing the handmade pastry. It was a bit too dry, a portion sticking to the roof of my mouth. Still, to me, it was the best I had ever eaten. It was as if I could taste the hours of hard work my mother invested into it.

I nibbled on it again, trying to leave as much as I could so that it didn't all disappear at once. The sweet aftertaste lingered, and though I knew I shouldn't and that it was against royal decency, I licked my lips.

"I was going to prepare a box for your journey, but the rest burned," she explained, pausing momentarily to wipe her eyes with a handkerchief. To think she had asked me about burning the apothecary.

My uncle, aunt, and brother all joined us for the walk to the palace gates. Most noticeably, my aunt's eyes were swollen shut. I tried telling her what remedy to implement, but she would have none of it and instead talked over me, not caring at all that I was no longer her YouShi.

"Remember to wear warm clothes. Be careful not to let your husband find mistresses. If he does, knock him on the head with a stick."

"We're always here for you," my uncle set his hand over my shoulder, just as he had done when I was a mere child.

"Yeah!" A'Yu chimed in. "When I'm older and strong, I'll beat him up if he dares to wrong you!"

I couldn't help but let out a laugh.

I knew that their words were all for my good, but I instead spent our last moments together committing each of their faces to memory. But as tears fogged my vision, I struggled to see the exact outline of their features. I knew I couldn't cry. Not here. Not now. If I let myself fall weak, then they would be sure to worry even more.

The palace seemed to continue indefinitely, but once the gate loomed into view, I wished that we could retrace our path.

More than anything, I wanted to drag out my steps and make this final moment last. Yet involuntarily, my feet moved on their own, knowing that if I stayed any longer, the mask I had crafted would shatter once more.

My father stood at the top of the wall, gazing emotionlessly as we approached. Seeing me, he nodded to acknowledge my presence. With the sunlight illuminating the golden dragon on his robe, a wave of gratitude overtook me. Though I never was able to call him father, I was proud to have him for an emperor.

While the Liang kingdom was small, sandwiched between two powers that were both more than a hundred times its size, our citizens felt safe to call it home. Perhaps I should have blamed him for selling his daughter off for peace, but if he hadn't put his own pride second by bowing down to other emperors and accepting our position as a vassal kingdom, we would have disappeared off the map just as our neighbors had been swallowed one by one.

I smiled. From an emperor, the gesture was enough. Not daring to look anymore, I sped up my pace. The brimming tears were pushing against my farthest limits.

"Don't forget about us!" My aunt hollered from behind me. My face was already on the verge of contorting and giving in. Once I stepped out of the palace, I would probably never see them again. More than anything, I wanted to spin around and look at them one last time, but how could I let their last impression of me to be this one?

I walked out of the palace door that I had only entered a day ago to find the awaiting Sui officials. Breathe, I told myself. Breathe.

Turning around, I solemnly bowed in the direction of the palace three times. The first was for the throne and the necessary sacrifices made. The second was for my family and the goodbyes they bade. The last was for my past and the price I paid.

Without ever looking up, I was helped onto the waiting carriage. They could no longer see me. Like water bursting from a dam, the tears spilled out. Gasping for breath, I could taste the salt as some of it trickled into my mouth. I tried stifling my loud sobs with a pillow, but my body still shook as I choked for air. The inside of my mouth became raw as I bit on the sides.

"Lift the carriage!" A trumpet blasted a sharp tune, and it was a convenient cover for my whimpers. Scrambling to lift the window curtains, I inched it up just a sliver so I could see them. Just one last glance, I convinced myself. Only when I did, I wished to have never looked in the first place. My heart hurt too much, twisting on itself as I saw my loved ones crying. One day was enough.

Goodbye. Farewell. My fingers mechanically let the curtain fall back down.

With time, even my tears dried, leaving but crusty trails on the side of my cheeks. When I regained control of myself, though no one was looking, I readjusted my expressions into one of politeness and good-naturedness. From today on, YouShi was dead, and I would simply be the Liang Princess.

The journey was to be a long one, lasting for more than fifteen moons. However, before we were even out of the capital, JiangLing, the trip was called to a halt.

"Stop the carriage!" someone screamed. "We want to see the princess!"

Half expecting to meet my end, I looked outside. A small crowd had gathered by the streets, surrounding our entourage. Much to my surprise, one by one, they bowed.

"We heard of how you were living among us just days ago," an elderly woman exclaimed. "We thank Your Highness for putting country before self." The others chimed in after her. More and more people stopped as they were walking by and followed suit.

Before I knew it, I was surrounded by a sea of bowing citizens. Though I walked forth and asked that they stand up, they responded that it was the least they could do and parted to make way for the carriage. Seeing the scene before me, I was once again reminded of my duties. No matter what it took, I would not disappoint.

The next fifteen moons passed without commotion, boring at best. I would spend my days staring out the window at the land before me, watching the gentle rivers give way to the North's bleak plateaus. And at night, I listened as the Sui officials gave me necessary details regarding their imperial courts. Over time, I learned the basics of their tongue. Beneath the surface, the differences were not that glaring, an alternate dialect at best.

"Princess, we are almost there." Finally, those words that I had been dreading sounded.

Images of a nomadic hut and unkempt barbarism surfaced in my mind, but when the city walls of Chang'An loomed into view, I was stunned.

Countless soldiers dressed in full armor stood on guard, and all of them pointed towards me.