Crocodile Tears

My eyes met hers, but she swiftly averted her glance. Tears danced within the rim of her eyes, accentuated by the dazzling sunlight reflecting off them.

From the way she carried herself to the perfectness of her attire, everything about her spoke of poise and royal tranquility. Yet, she was hardly the empress that I imagined. Something felt off. Perhaps it was the air of nervousness she carried about her or the slight pursing of her lips as she struggled to initiate a conversation.

Finally, she closed her eyes, and two lines of tears silently ran down her cheeks. "My foolish daughter, why did you come back," she muttered, her voice softer than the fluffiest clouds. "I once said that I hoped you would understand our secret sorrows, but how I wish you were more selfish now."

"Empress, it is better if you speak inside," a cold voice shattered the brief moment of intimacy. It was that vile clerk again.

She nodded to his suggestion, and we followed him into a sitting area. It was an elegant place framed with watercolor paintings of bamboo, but the platefuls of red bean pastries on the table made me think I had accidentally walked into a pastry shop. Quite literally, the snacks came in every shape and color. Some were square, others were circular, and there was even a dish of red bean rice cakes.

"Your aunt and uncle said that they were your favorites," she gestured nervously. "Make yourself at home. After all, this is your real home."

When I didn't move, she hesitantly reached out and grabbed one at random, motioning to hand it to me. Halfway across the table, however, the pastry snapped in two, and the crumbs spilled all over.

There was yet another moment of silence. It wasn't that I hadn't wanted to talk with her, but simply put, I didn't know what to say. Bursting inside were countless questions, but at the surface, I could only gaze.

"How are your aunt and uncle?" She made another futile attempt for connection, drawing on the only known links we shared.

As if on cue, the door opened, revealing my fl.u.s.tered aunt and uncle. They cast hurried glances around, expressions of relief finally settling on their faces when they saw me. "YouShi, are you alright?" my aunt exclaimed, rushing over to embrace me, giving me a few hard pats on the back as she momentarily forgot that we were in the palace. From the corner of my eye, I could see the empress's smile fade away.

When we were finally all seated again, abruptly, the empress got on her knees and gave a solemn kowtow to my aunt and uncle. "Sister thanks you both for caring for YouShi all these years and doing my duties for me," she said sincerely. We were all stunned. It was unheard of for an empress to pay such high respects for anyone other than the emperor.

"Mother!" A'Yu and I exclaimed simultaneously. The word passed so naturally through me that I gave it no second thought.

Her eyes grew wide and watery, but her pretty face broke into a smile. "YouShi, what did you call me?"

"Mother," I repeated, crouching down next to her, my own voice shaking as I tried to hold back tears.

I was met by a crushing embrace. By any measure, it wasn't physically intimate. Her hands only hovered above the small of my back as if she was scared that I would disappear forever if she touched me. But at that split second, the world froze, and all I could hear were the beats of two drumming hearts entwined.

I felt a little nudge to my side. Looking down, I found A'Yu curling his arms around us, pouting that we had left him out. Somehow, that one action spoke so much more than the entirety of Princess MingZhu's hurtful words.

She shook her head in disbelief and hesitantly brushed my cheeks. "My precious daughter doesn't hate me. This must be my imagination. Oh Heavens, please let this dream continue forever."

But the surreal moment was short-lived before reality interrupted once more. Almost immediately, someone outside called, "Your Majesty requires the presence of Empress and the princess at the Grand Banquet Hall!"

Bidding goodbye to the others, we walked there together. "So, how exactly did you almost set fire to the apothecary?" Her eyes glimmered with a sense of humor that I hadn't known existed. I tried explaining myself, a bit fl.u.s.tered that she knew all of my embarrassing stories.

"How useless," the black-faced servant trailed behind us, muttering to himself, but not even he could disturb my mood.

When the banquet hall loomed into view, all I wished was that the walk could be longer. However, when I found myself practically drawn into the room by the mouthwatering aromas that greeted me, I realized just how hungry I was. The smells did not disappoint, and countless dishes painted a tempting masterpiece. There was meat, fish, and exotic foods that I had never even seen before.

Of course, the hall was packed with countless people. At the head sat the emperor, and an empty seat was open to the right of him. Along the sides were officials and Sui ambassadors with a table left for me at the back. Unluckily, Princess Mingzhu sat right across from me.

There were so many people, and amid all the commotion, I thought I saw the face of that fortune teller I met back at my uncle's home. I blinked in confusion, wondering if all of today was but a dream. When my eyes opened again, he was definitely nowhere in sight.

My mother tugged on my sleeve. "Your Wife pays her respects," she said while curtsying to the emperor. Her action seemed so distant, I thought as I followed suit, replacing wife for humble servant.

"Your Humble Servant welcomes Empress and the princess." As soon as we completed our rituals, the people seated all rose and bowed. Even Princess MingZhu was no exception. For the first time, I understood the power of the court and the carefully-crafted practices it took to maintain that sense of control.

Though this banquet was in the name of bidding bye to me, I was not at the center stage, hardly even mentioned. I meant nothing in the face of this alliance. It only mattered that I bore the last name of Xiao and was a princess in title.

Following some must-have small talk and a few rounds of alcohol, the overall mood relaxed.

"Wow, I wish we could stay a bit longer here in the South. Our Honorable Emperor prefers to feast on coarse grains and vegetables," a Sui official teased, looking half-serious. "It is too much of a shame that we must depart early tomorrow morning."

My time was much more limited than I hoped for, and a bit caught in his words, I accidentally knocked over my cup.

"Sister, you must be more careful than that," Princess MingZhu resumed her acts. I had grown immune, more wary than anything.

"General Lin, look at your granddaughter, hasn't she grown up to be quite the poster princess!" The emperor exclaimed dotingly, motioning to the elderly man sitting closest to him. My mother chimed in as well, praising Princess MingZhu for her superior etiquette.

The man burst into hearty laughter, and I connected the dots. He must have been the kingdom's most famous general, the one in control of more than half of the armies. Even back home, we had often heard people thank him for protecting the country and making us safe enough to sleep at night.

If Princess MingZhu was the general's granddaughter... I suddenly felt a wave of pity for the supposedly favored daughter. At least I was a knowing pawn. She was just a naive child crippled from being too spoiled, vying for her father's attention when larger plans were at stake. Then again, to not see through the acts was in itself the greatest form of mercy.

Even with mountains of savory food in front of me, I no longer had an appetite. Instead, I choked down cup after cup of alcohol in hopes that the vile liquid would help pass the time.

Maybe when I wake again, the curtains would be drawn and the play over. They all say to treasure each moment of life, but more than anything, I wanted it to elapse in just a blink of the eye. After all, what emotions does a puppet know?

Finally, the feast was over. Much to my surprise, the emperor accompanied my mother and me back. The entire walk was dictated by silence, and the hard-earned comfortableness from before was once again reduced to nothing. He was a bit drunk, the smell of alcohol lingering even after we arrived at my mother's palace. As soon as the doors closed, he began speaking loudly to himself, but luckily, A'Yu, my uncle, and my aunt were already asleep.

"A'Lian, do you think me useless?" He smiled brightly and slumped onto the bed. All of a sudden, he let out a soft wail like a child, curling into a ball. My mother began stroking him on his back, her moments fluid from familiarity. The distance they had maintained between themselves during the banquet evaporated, and I realized that it was all another part of their act.

So I stood there, not knowing whether I should take my leave. The room was spinning, and the scene playing before my eyes blurred.

"I can't look her in the eye," he choked out. "I wanted to compliment her achievements in medicine, but the words were just stuck in my throat."

Flinching, I realized that this phrase was all too familiar. Perhaps he was actually the one most similar to me in this palace.

"It's okay dear, our daughter is very understanding," my mother coaxed.

"The worst thing to be in the palace is understanding. If I didn't try to understand the fractures of this kingdom, I would at least be able to protect my own daughter! What use is it that I drag on this diseased kingdom's lifeline!" He suddenly exploded with frustration.

"I'm the father of all, but I can't even face my own daughter with all this guilt..."

He fell asleep, and I came to a harsh realization. In the face of the good of others, I would willingly follow in his exact footsteps, preferring to hate myself instead.

Years later, as I gave my own son away to become a hostage, I remembered that night as if it was yesterday. Or maybe, the memory was just a fabricated yet blissful gift from the euphoria of alcohol.