Dark Lord Dumbledore

Chad had not really thought this through, the best plan would be to have Boppy teleport him to somewhere safe. He didn't want to be delivered to the greatest Dark Lord that ever walk the Earth, having him cast God knows what spell on him.

But unfortunately, he had no way to hide if Dumbledore put his mind to find him. Hell, all it would take would be to send him a letter and follow the owl! Chad had yet to master any magic to hide with, and as useful as Boppy was, he doubted the little guy had the magical know-how to repel all methods of detection.

Plus, if Dark Lord Dumbles is assured his plans to leave 'Harry' under the care of the Dursleys was on track, Chad would be free to carry out his plans. Sure, he would be inconvenienced by his living conditions, but way less so than if he had Dumbledore and his Order of Flaming Chickens after him.

But the main reason Chad was cursing his decision to walk out into the night, was because it was bloody cold! His baby onesie did little to keep him warm in the cold November night. As soon as this thought came to him, he giggled and started to hum a bit of Guns & Roses.

He was less than thirty meters from the house when Snape apparated into the street in front of him. He screamed a manly baby scream in surprise and fell on his b.u.t.t. Snape's eyes nearly fell out of his head as they looked upon baby 'Harry', they then darted to the house in a panic only to see the collapsed roof.

Chad didn't want Snape to interrupt Boppy's work, so he started screaming at the idiot Death Eater. The usually calm and collected potion master was caught off guard, coupled with the fact that only a dead Lilly Potter would let her child wander the cold streets, caused him to cry out in grief and disappear with a crack.

It was sort of understandable, the only person he actually loved, and he was responsible for her death. Still, Chad hated all the weird love fans had for Snape. The guy was another example of the stupidity of wizards. Fair enough he was sort of railroaded onto the 'dark path', but it was still his decision to r*pe and murder innocents in Voldemort's name.

All he had to do was apologise and explain his feelings and reason for calling Lilly a mudblood. If he didn't want to do that, but still wanted to pine over her, all he had to do when he found out that the Potters were the target was to tell her! Why would he go to Dark Lord Dumbledore? After all, they were childhood friends, that would have been enough to get his foot in the door.

The guy had already sat back an watched him nearly being killed by a werewolf in school, why would he think the man capable (or want) to help him now? The goodwill he would have garnered from informing Lilly of her imminent demise might have offset her disgust for his action as a Death Eater. Let's not forget, the man was guilty, very, very guilty. The sympathy Snape got from fans baffled Chad.

Now with Snape out of the way, only Sirius and Hagrid were left to appear, at least the cold had woken him up a bit. After fifteen minutes of freezing his bit off and his head pounding from the minor Dark Lord's soul parasite, Sirius came flying down on his motorbike. Coincidentally, Hagrid was also trudging up the street, and they both stopped in confusion when they saw baby Harry walking around outside.

Just like Snape, they both automatically looked towards the house to see it trashed. Unfortunately, Sirius quickly lept from his bike, ignored Harry, and ran inside to investigate. A bit of a d.i.c.k move for a godfather to leave his baby godson out in the cold, but understandable.

Hagrid, with orders from his dark master, picked up 'Harry' and spoke words of comfort. "There, there little tyke, you're safe now."

Hagrid walked over to the house to check what happened to Lilly and James, only for an anxious Sirius to run back out.

"They're gone!" He cried out.

He then registered the baby in Hagrid's arms and with certainty knew that they were dead, there was no way that Lilly and James would leave Harry alone.

"Give him to me Hagrid, we need to get him to somewhere safe." Said Sirius, as he cried at the loss of his friends, where the hell where there bodies?

"Sorry Sirius, Dumbledores orders, got to get him to him." Replied Hagrid as he shielded Harry from Sirius attempt to hold him.

"I'm his godfather, with Lilly and James death, it falls to me to care for Harry."

It was at this point that Chad thought he might be able to change his fate of living with the Dursleys if he could somehow convince Sirius to stay with him. He would have to keep his vocabulary limited, but a few keywords should be able to tug at his heartstrings.

"Padfoot!" He cried as he held his arms out towards his new godfather.

Seeing this, Sirius once again attempted to take Harry. "Come on Hagrid, I am his legal guardian, I don't care what your mission for Dumbledore is. Give Harry here."

"No one will stop me from completing a task the great Albus Dumbledore has given me! If you want to make sure Harry is safe, you are welcome to come with me, but I wave a job to do!" Announced Hagrid with ardour.

A little put off with Hagrid's enthusiasm, Sirius decided that maybe Harry would be safe with him until he could claim him.

"Maybe you are right, take my bike, but you better take good care of my godson as I will be coming to claim him. First, I have a rat to catch!"

'Dafuq?' Thought Chad, 'what the hell just happened?' Seeing Sirius about to leave, he started to scream out 'Padfoot' as loud as he could, thrashing around like a fish out of water to try and break free of the half giant's grasp. Sirius just gave him a sorrowful look and turned away, only to disappear with a loud 'crack'.

'Bloody hell' Chad thought, 'how did that just happen? That worthless dog just abandoned me to catch Peter, I mean, I get it, but holy hell that's some cold-blooded nonsense right there! Suddenly I don't care you are going to spend ten years in Azkaban!' Chad wanted to curse up a storm, but with Hagrid there all he could do was internally rant at wizard stupidity.

"Come on Harry, best be on our way. Here come those muggles with the blue and red lights!"

And just like that, Chad lost his mind. He began to sing a particular song in his head as a little bit of fear struck him. Chad dealt with it the only way he could without getting drunk, with jokes.

'We're off to see the Wizard

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

We hear he is a whiz of a wiz

If ever a wiz there was

If ever, oh ever a wiz there was

The Wizard of Oz is one because

Because, because, because, because, because

Because of the wonderful things he does

We're off to see the Wizard

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz'

Unfortunately for Chad, Dumbledore was not a cowardly wimp hiding behind smoke and mirrors, no he had real power and was not afraid to kill off loose ends. He could only hope that Sirius, the idiot mongrel, somehow managed to defeat a semi-blind rat with half a foot missing!

All of his previous fatigue suddenly assaulted Chad's new, unfamiliar baby body, and his eyes couldn't help but close in exhaustion. Funnily enough, they were just passing over Bristol. He would not be conscious to witness more wizard logic as Dumbledork extinguish the street lights, but left all the porch lights still shining brightly. Not to mention that the headlight on the extremely loud motorbike made all that effort worthless.

When he came to, he was laying wrapped in a blanket on a doorstep. At least the idiot wizards had seen fit to give him something to fight off the cold! Not that did much, he was still freezing his arse off! Since he had yet to be discovered by the Dursleys, there was still a chance he could change things.

"Boppy" he called as quietly as he could. Thankfully, his prayers were answered as the hideous, yet still somehow cute, minion arrived with a 'pop'.

"Master, you really did end up with muggles!" Said the enthusiastic elf, now believing his new master could see the future.

"Regrettably, that seems to be the case Boppy. Can you sense any wards or spells on the house or me?"

"There is a mail ward, tracking spell, Bond of blood spell and unplottable spell on the house." He dutifully responded, how the little bugger knew the names of the spells surprised Chad.

"Can you move the tracking spell onto the other baby in the house?"

"Easy!" and with a pop, they were suddenly in front of Dudley's crib. After a wave of his hand, Boppy gave him a smile.

"Can you make no sound leave this room?" Whispered Chad, as Boppy once again wave his had. How had elves not conquered the world yet?

"It is done Master, nobody will hear us!"

"Ok, good job, Boppy. Can you get rid of the blood spell but keep the protection?"

"Yes, you already have the protection, but a wizard has cast a spell to spread it to muggles in this house. Since it has not been activated, Boppy can cancel it!" This job must have been a bit more difficult as he had to click his fingers and wave his hands about a few times.

"Done"

"You really deserve your title as head elf Boppy, you have performed flawlessly. How went the house moving?" Asked Chad curiously.

"I just made a room deep under the house and moved everything straight there, no one will find it! When the wizard ran in the house, everything was already moved." Boppy proudly reported.

"Outstanding! Now for your final task. Can you make it so I look like this baby and he looks like me?"

The head Potter elf thought for a bit, then clapped his hands and clicked his fingers on both hands. Chad felt nothing as he saw Dudley's appearance change and assumed he also now look different.

"Boppy will have to cast the spell every night, Master." Said the elf sadly, wrongly assuming Chad would be displeased with his stellar performance.

"That's fine Boppy, as long as no one finds out, this will work just fine. Excellent job! Now you just have to wrap that kid in the blanket and put him on the doorstep with this letter, and me in that crib."

And just like that, Chad could now rest easy. With his new role as baby Dudley, he would be treated like a king and not have to worry about food, beatings and locked in a dark cupboard.

He did sort of feel bad for the real Dudley, but that passed pretty quickly. After all, anything that happened to him was the fault of his parents! Chad just hoped they didn't kill him, as Dudley had no magic to keep him alive if they got too brutal.