Hessian Does A Thing

WARNING. THIS CHAPTER IS CRACK BECAUSE IT'S NEEDED TO FIX THE TRAP THE AUTHOR WROTE HIMSELF IN. PLEASE IGNORE ANY AND ALL PLOT HOLES FROM THIS POINT ON.

[I am ALIIIVE! again.] Onyx declared to the world as he padded himself without any limbs

"Welcome back buddy, we finished it without you." Hessian said as he stretched his limbs after hours of work.

It had been a few days since Hessian returned to Prisma Illya. Since then he's just been relaxing and fixing Onyx in his spare time. For some odd reason, Tiamat was fine with him not loving her back despite the fact that he was technically considered married to her. Also, he can summon Demonic beasts and Lahmu now apparently. On another note, he has a Primordial milf on speed dial now.

Ereshkigal disappeared along with the seventh singularity, but he could summon her again in the future. Hessian left Mash at Chaldea with Doctor Roman and Da Vinci since that was still her home. However he did fix her body before leaving. The Clocktower and other hidden magi organizations tried to jump in and take control of Chaldea, but being the apprentice of Zelretch and a True magician was a great enough deterrent to stop all that nonsense.

[Master Hessian, I detect the data of Heroic Spirits stored within me.] Onyx informed as he inspected his added features

"I made a copy of the data on the Heroic spirits we summoned. So if we summon them again, they should remember us." Indeed, he had asked Romani and Da vinci if he could get a copy of all the servants they summoned.

"Now to deal with my first universe" he said as he got up. "But first to deal with a loose end." Hessian spoke to himself as he let the narrator speak.

The author had never watched past season one of Prisma Illya. Thus, just by being in this universe was a trap that the author had set for himself. So the only way he could possibly fix it was quickly turn Hessian into a crack fic protagonist.

"It's time to get weird" Hessian struck a pose in his dark room alone like an insane person.

∞

Within a universe directly parallel to the Prisma Illyaverse was that universe with all the bad guys and dying world or something. The author doesn't know so he's just winging it at this point.

*EXPLOSION*

Stepping out from the destroyed wall of the castle dungeon, the young magician looked down towards the Shirou Emiya of this universe as he prepared to give a speech. Unfortunately it came out as "Sup, wanna f.u.c.k shit up?" he asked?

Shirou Emiya only weakly nodded as he was still chained up.

∞

Kotomine Kirei was just manning his Mapo tofu stand despite the world being all doom and gloom. Until he heard the sound of a vehicle playing head beating music roll up on his stand. It seemed Shirou Emiya was also in the vehicle. However his attention was drawn to the driver who was wearing black shades. The driver looked at him and pulled down his shades

"Sup, were bout to make people suffer." he spoke

"Say no more!" The sadistic priest joined the party of three in the humvee as he received his own shades.

∞

"Hey, do you hear that?" Beatrice asked as Angelica opened her eyes to the sound of a thumping beat.

*CRASH* A yellow Humvee crashed through the wall, killing Beatrice. How? It's a magical Humvee.

Angelica Ainsworth narrowed her eyes as three people stepped out of the vehicle.

"Faker!" she nearly yelled as she noticed him in the group

"No time!" Hessian cut off the Hero of justice when he was about to reply, then pointed at the girl who was basically female Gilgamesh "Join us cuz your hot or prepare to get rekt!"

Angelica Ainsworth responded by opening hundreds of golden portals.

∞

"HUHEHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!"Julian Ainsworth laughed maniacally as he stood on top of his giant evil cube thing that kept spitting out shadow servants.

"DON'T YOU SEE!? EVERYTHING YOU TRY IS MEANINGLESS! EVEN A TRUE MAGICIAN CANNOT HOPE TO STOP ME FROM SAVING HUMANITY!" he shouted to the world

Hessian looked up at the giant cube that was apparently immune to magic or something in deep thought. His zanpakuto might be able to cut it, but he doesn't feel like testing it out. He let Shirou Emiya and Kotomine Kirei fight off the approaching shadow servants as he took out his phone.

*RING RING RING* "Hello?" he said as it picked up

"Aaaaah?" the voice responded

"Yah I need you, can you come here?" Hessian asked

"Aaaaah, aaaaaah"

"Alright, well hurry up and come over here." he said as Kirei drowned a bunch of shadow servants in tofu

"Aaaaaaah" Tiamat responded

"What do you mean you can't find them?" he asked as Shirou argued with Kirei since he also got hit by the tofu

"Aaaaah... aaaaahh"

"What do you mean there's only soup?" In the background, Shirou and Kirei started fighting eachother as the shadow servants watched

"Aaaaah"

"Well then get out of the soup aisle!" There was now a fight club being hosted by both Kirei and Shirou as they were the Announcers

"Aaaaah!"

"What do you mean there's more soup!?" Shadow servants began betting on fights

"Aaaaah!"

"Go into the next Aisle!" A fight broke out in the crowd as people suspected the shadow servant of throwing the match

"Aaaah."

"Where are you right now!?" It became chaos as all the shadow servants started killing eachother

"Aaaaaah!"

"What do you mean you're at soup!?" Shirou and Kirei were forced to join in on the chaos as attacks were also sent their way

"Aaaaaaaaahh"

"What store are you in!?" The shadow servants realized that they were supposed to be fighting the living people instead of eachother

"Aaaaaaaaah!"

"WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE!?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Tiamat's voice was so loud through the phone that it completely killed off all the Shadow servants and broke the giant evil cube

A few days later, Tiamat and Hessian had make up s.e.x.

∞

Within the Emiya residence, Illya was joined by Kuro and Miyu as they were having their daily moments of hijinks until a portal opened in the room.

"Wha?"

Hessian's head popped through with a smile

"HEY KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?"

"KYAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

The only one who didn't scream was Kuro who was already used to the young magician's antics. Hessian ignored the screaming as he dropped down a body and disappeared.

Miyu stopped her screaming when she recognized the figure of her brother. "Onii-chan!!!"

"Hey Miyu" Shirou Emiya smiled wryly as he hugged his little sister

"What's going on? Why is Onii-chan hugging Miyu!?"

Illya had a weird day. Fortunately Hessian had saved the author from not knowing what the hell to do with this universe so he can forever ignore it now.