Him And Her - An Odd Story

HER – SUMMER NIGHT'S QUARRELS

A crescent moon hung lonesome over the lit up cityscape, divining faint light upon it. Streets of the small city were doused in chatter, laughter and noise, as Friday slowly inched toward its end. On one corner was a small theater, designated as the place for couples to visit as they only ever showed romantic movies, and was currently spitting out one couple after another. Some held hands and laughed jokily, others awkwardly glanced at each other while smiling, while one pair was having a heated discussion.

"We could have watched anything! Anything!" Aya exclaimed. "They were showing About Time, Say Anything, Easy A, Love Actually, hell, even f.u.c.k.i.n.g Notebook would have sufficed. Yet you picked some random Sandler's movie?! I'll punch you in the nuts!!"

"What was so bad about it?!" Tyson exclaimed right back. "I thought it was sweet!"

"… do you want me to summarize the movie for you?"

"Go ahead. Maybe you'll finally see how sweet it is."

"Okay, here it goes," Aya said, taking a deep breath. "A forty-something societal reject was once upon a time heart-broken by some bimbo, and has used that as an excuse to go around banging chicks left and right. Then, he meets some poor, naïve twenty-three-year-old girl and, khm, feels it's 'real shit' this time around. So, instead of telling the truth to her, he makes up an entire family, drags his assistant and her kids to f.u.c.k.i.n.g Hawaii to play the part of his sick play, then proceeds to fall in love with that assistant, but still goes with wanting to marry that young bimbo after what was probably a month's long relationship, yet in the end stands her up to be with his assistant."

"… well, you know, when you put it that way…" Tyson mumbled.

"W-w-what other way could you possibly f.u.c.k.i.n.g put it in?!"

"Uh, a man realizes that the woman closest to him is, well, closest to him." Tyson said, smiling awkwardly.

"So, if I broke up with you now, you'd use that as an excuse to sleep around like a Snorlax?"

"Okay, first, loving the Pokemon reference. Second, are you breaking up with me?!"

"… no?" Aya said, arching her brows slightly.

"Oh, thank god. Just had a mini heart attack there."

"… ugh, it's not fair. You take me to see a terrible movie, and then you make me feel guilty about riding you about it." Aya said, sighing. "You're not fair."

"Y-you're the one who's unfair! We've already watched all those movies you listed, and I just wanted us to watch something new!"

"… and you couldn't find anything better?"

"Fine. The next time we go out and see a movie, I'll take you to see Requiem for a Dream." Tyson grunted.

"How did we go from 'I just want to watch a decent romantic movie' to 'I want to be depressed for the rest of my days'?!"

"It wasn't, you know, that depressing." Tyson said. Ugh, I'll kill him…

"… I just don't get it, you know? What's the appeal of these generic romances? Why would people want to see them over and over and over again?" Aya mumbled, sighing. "I mean, it'd be like someone making a movie about our relationship and people going out in droves to watch it."

"… are you trying to tell me our relationship is boring?" Tyson asked.

"No, no, but it'd be boring to watch! I mean, imagine sitting for two hours listening to two rejects bicker over whether the girl looks better in white or black p.a.n.t.i.e.s." Aya said. "Really high quality entertainment right there."

"Hey, I loved those two hours! It proved my thesis that it's actually physically possible to talk about u.n.d.e.r.w.e.a.r for two hours without being arrested!"

"… the only reason you loved those two hours is because I spent half of it without any p.a.n.t.i.e.s on." Aya said.

"And it was absolutely beautiful." Tyson said, smiling. Ugh, I can't kill him. I'd miss him too much.

"But seriously, would you go and see a movie about us?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"Who's playing me and who's playing you?" Tyson asked.

"… why does that matter?"

"Well, you know, I just want actors that would be playing us to stay faithful to the way we are as little as possible, to make sure the movie sells." Tyson said.

"Are you saying our relationship is boring? Am I boring?"

"Real classy." Tyson mumbled.

"Thanks. I try." Aya said, smirking.

"I don't think our relationship could make it to the big screen, though." Tyson said. "I mean, you know, unless you suddenly grew out a d.i.c.k one morning. Drama!!"

"Why am I the one growing out a d.i.c.k? Why can't your d.i.c.k disappear and be replaced with v.a.g.i.n.a?" Aya asked.

"I very much like my d.i.c.k!"

"And I hate my v.a.g.i.n.a?"

"Just a few days ago I heard you screaming 'For the love of all that is holy, could you bloody stop bleeding you whining cunt!' for like ten minutes." Tyson said.

"… Ty, darling, do we need to go to s.e.x-ed classes?" Aya said, faking a smile.

"No, no, I clearly know it was one of the bad ones," Tyson said. "I'm just saying, you know, if you love it so much, give it some leeway."

"That's the thing. You don't have to give your bastard any leeway." Aya said.

"You insane?!" Tyson exclaimed, glancing at her. "Do you know how many times I randomly got a boner in public place?! Or how many times the bastard decided to blue-ball me?! Every day's a struggle. But I forgive him. Because I love him."

"… saying you love your d.i.c.k is just… it just sounds weird man…" Aya mumbled, shrugging for a moment.

"Yeah, yeah, I hear it now. Ugh." Tyson followed her example as the two laughed for a moment.

"But yeah, you're right, we probably couldn't shine properly on the big screen," Aya said. "The entire synopsis would go: Uh, I know there's supposed to be a story here, but how about you just watch a girl and a boy fight on their couch for two hours? We promise they still love each other though."

"We could always decorate the couch with bunch of nudes and some references only hip people would get." Tyson said.

"And, instead of a window behind us, we could green screen the gateway to hell!"

"Yeah, you see, I was trying to fix your movie, and you're just f.u.c.k.i.n.g with me now." Tyson said.

"F.u.c.k.i.n.g with you? I would never darling. I appreciate you. I respect you." Aya said, barely holding back a smile.

"Your cynicism is the only reason our movie would never work out," Tyson said. "Whenever I propose I do something really romantic for you, you always go 'I'll blow your balls apart'. We could have made it!! We could have shone like stars, but you killed it!" Tyson shouted flamboyantly.

"… okay, let me remind you that your idea of, uh, 'romantic', involved going to ancient clocks expose and listening to an ancient guy talk about f.u.c.k.i.n.g clocks for two hours."

"Hey, it's classy and the lights would have been dimmed!" Tyson exclaimed.

"Only because if they shone even an ounce brighter, every other member of that audience would have gone f.u.c.k.i.n.g blind!" Aya exclaimed back.

"Well, yeah, maybe, but what's that got to do with us?!"

"Just admit you just wanted to make a f.u.c.kton of time puns so we can move on!" Aya said.

"Fine, okay?! I wanted to make truckload of time puns! Is that so bad, huh?! It worked for that shitty movie, what's it called, In Time? Why can't it work for me?!" Tyson said.

"Uh, sweetie, that movie bombed. Like, really bombed. As in, if it were an actual bomb, it'd be a second coming of Hiroshima." Aya said.

"… why? Why would you say that?" Tyson said. "You know I'll laugh at it. Why are you trying to turn me into a horrible human being?"

"Oh, honey, that ship had sailed long, long time ago." Aya said, smiling as she pinched his cheek. "The very first day you thought I was cute, all your previous good deeds just… puff. Gone."

"And, by the way, there was already second coming of Hiroshima, so technically it'd be a third one!" Tyson said, pushing her arm away.

"… and you're still holding onto the fact that you're not a horrible person?"

"I donate to charity!" Tyson exclaimed.

"What are you talking about?!" Aya exclaimed back, laughing. "In the three months we've been dating, the only time you, uh, 'donated to charity' was when you gave some homeless guy half a sandwich!"

"It probably saved his life." Tyson said seriously.

"He had like twenty f.u.c.k.i.n.g bucks in his bucket! The only thing that sandwich saved was your stomach, because you can't stand pickles!" Aya said.

"And I told you to make mine without pickles! But no, little queen here just had to tell them to put extra pickles!" Tyson said.

"… I just want you to be healthy so I can make fun of you for a long, long time." Aya said, smirking.

"You just wanted to see me choke on a c.o.c.k-shaped object." Tyson said. "That's why the only fruit we have at our place are bananas. By the way, you're sick."

"… uh, no, the reason why we only have bananas at our place is because your mouth basically turns into a waterfall every time I eat one." Aya said.

"Well, yeah, it's hot! Sue me!"

"You see me n.a.k.e.d practically every day!" Aya exclaimed. "Can't you hold it back for like two minutes so I can eat in peace?!"

"Alright, if you want me to do that, you need to stop jumping my a.s.s every time I bite my pen." Tyson said.

"… that's just mean, because you know it's impossible. Just mentioning it is making me drool."

"… you're not drooling." Tyson said.

"Oh, I am." Aya said.

"What do you mean? Oh…" Tyson exclaimed softly as it dawned on him. "We should really get you some a.d.u.l.t diapers."

"Oh, f.u.c.k you. Just so you know, next time, I'm picking the movie!"

"Oh hell no!! The last time you picked a movie, we ended up spending two hours listening to some Ukrainian guy speaking terrible English explain in great detail just why Ukraine is the heart of Europe!" Tyson said.

"I already told you it was a mix-up!" Aya exclaimed.

"Oh, right, I forgot we were supposed to be watching Jonas Brothers: The THREE DEEEEEEEEE Concert Experience. Somehow, heart of Europe doesn't sound half bad now. By the way, why the hell do you always have us watch doc.u.mentaries?! Why not pick an actual f.u.c.k.i.n.g movie for a change?" Tyson asked.

"Because, you know, I feel it's important we're educated—"

"—you just pick shitty ones packing a lot of lies to see whether I'll believe or not, don't you?"

"Yup, yeah, pretty much." Aya said, laughing. "I can't believe you actually believed that Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed non-sense. That literally made my year."

"… I f.u.c.k.i.n.g hate you."

"Nah, nah, I know you love me. Too late to back out now." Aya said.

"Yeah, yeah, I love you, but I also f.u.c.k.i.n.g hate you. Kind of like Bioware and Blizzard, you know? They provided me with some of my fondest childhood memories, but are currently doing their damned hardest to shit all over them in spades."

"Oh? Am I also shitting all over your childhood memories?" Aya asked.

"More like childhood fantasies." Tyson said, sighing.

"Please do tell. I'd truly like to fulfill a childhood fantasy of yours."

"Can you, like, become my tutor and let me bang you while you scream 'this is so wrong, but feels so right!!'?"

"No." Aya said.

"Wow, that's a firmer 'no' than when I asked you to go to a strip club with me."

"… I was the one who asked you to go to a strip club with me," Aya said. "And you were the one who said no."

"… that doesn't sound like me." Tyson said timidly.

"Ugh," Aya grunted, shaking her head lightly. Aah, why can't I ever stay mad at him? "You know what? Fine. I'll tutor you. I'll be teaching you how to become a decent human being while you're getting horned up. What do you say?"

"… don't make it sound so dirty."

"… oh, sorry, totally my bad. Your version sounded much more saintly."

"Let's go watch a doc.u.mentary about where all our shit goes," Tyson said. "I'm very interested in that."

"It's probably going into your mouth," Aya said. "Because only shit keeps coming out of it."

"I pretty much set you up for that one, didn't I?"

"Yup." Aya said, smiling.

"Despite all your shitty antics – he, he, see what I did there? Ha? See-uh, khm, right, so, despite your antics, I still love you. But, but, no more doc.u.mentaries, okay?" Tyson said.

"Fine. No more third-rate romantic movies either."

"So, what? We're only ever allowed to watch, like, ten romantic movies in total?" Tyson mumbled.

"Yup, pretty much."

"… let's just watch the damn doc.u.mentaries then."

"I thought you'd never ask!"

"It wasn't a question," Tyson said, smiling. "Just a statement."

"… yeah, we're breaking up."

"That's only like the fourth time you said that today," Tyson said. "You broke my heart at least twelve times yesterday. You gotta pick up your game, dude."

"It's amazing just how many times we broke up, yet we're still together. Kind of big-screen worthy, right? Like, hey, look at these two damn kids, breaking up all the time, but always ending up together. Fantastic love story, coming your way February the 14th, because f.u.c.k every romantic movie that isn't released on that day!" Aya exclaimed, deepening her voice as to make it sound like trailer narration.

"… I'm not lying, I'd go to see that movie. Just for that voice." Tyson said.

"Yeah, it was pretty badass, right?"

"Yeah. Just, you know, never do it when it's just the two of us. Alone. Especially at night. I know we're very close, but I doubt you'd like seeing me shit my pants." Tyson said.

"And your doubt is very much on point. Dully noted." Aya said.

"Wanna grab a dinner or go home and watch an actually decent movie?" Tyson asked.

"Let's get something to go," Aya said. "And buy beer. Tons of beer. I need to cause a short-term amnesia so I can forget I ever saw that movie."

"Ah come on! It wasn't that bad!"

"… yeah, you're right." Aya said. "So, let's buy even more beer so I can cause longer-term amnesia so I can forget both you and the movie."

"I'm pretty sure longer-term amnesia isn't a thing. I think it's long-term amnesia."

"You know what? Let's just buy a gun. That sounds much more efficient." Aya said.

"Yeah, and then you kill me, and then yourself – and then, finally, we can have our big screen debut!"

"… ugh…"

"That sounded like a grunt of approval to me!" Tyson exclaimed.

"…"

"… and that silence just killed it. Much like what the gun would do to our relationship! Huh? Funny, right? Ha ha—oh, you're not laughing. Yup. I should probably shut up lest that made up movie becomes a reality."

"Ya' think?!"

"…"

The night played on, as did their quarrel which resumed shortly after. Common-tongued, yet opposed, the two talked nearly without a stop until they came back to their apartment where, instead of watching a movie, they fell flat on the bed and fell asleep within a minute.